[Raphael]

Again, thank you for taking the time to reply.
Treasur- I really like how you differentiated between being a victim of someone else’s actions and being in victim mode. It makes a lot of sense.
 I think what I am having the hardest time with right now is that I feel like I did all the work to try and feel better for the last three and a half years since he left and now that OW is pregnant, I have to start all over again- I know I can do it, I just feel defeated. I wasn’t able to get pregnant so I feel like it’s another loss. He said “we made a conscious decision to not have any more kids” I don’t remember it exactly the same way, but know we agreed that we wouldn’t do in vitro fertilization etc. I thought ( and thought he felt the same way) that we had two great kids and if I was able to get pregnant it would be an extra blessing. It breaks my heart that he is going through this process with someone else and not me. The kids are hurt and I just want it to all go away. It’s so hard when the person you trusted the most becomes the person who causes you the most pain. It makes it so hard to trust others and even myself.

[Treasur]

Imho one of the common markers of PTSD is losing a sense of self to the point where we find it very hard to trust ourselves. I found Brene Brown’s work on Trust tremendously helpful https://brenebrown.com/podcast/the-anatomy-of-trust/ - the basic idea is that you take the same principles that determine if we trust others and consciously turn them towards yourself. Don’t worry so much about trusting others - tbh that becomes easier when one’s back on internal solid ground - for now, focus very intentionally on learning again how to trust yourself. And yes, it is work….a whole series of every day baby steps….but I found it tremendously helpful. I hope it helps you too. I think when we are rebuilding important bits of our metaphorical scaffolding, it can be helpful, at least for a while, to have some kind of structure or guide.

You may find some bits apply more to you than others…..I did. That’s ok, just focus on what you see as most helpful.

I am sorry about the pregnancy news and I can quite see how this would feel like another loss. It’s understandable that it might take some time for you to shuffle those feelings around until you can tuck them away peacefully and, of course, understandable too that this carries the additional hurt of affecting your kids.

[Raphael]

Thank you again for your thoughtful response. I have gone back to weekly counseling, which has been helpful. I am trying take it one step at a time, and doing things to help me heal. I think I have to finally admit to myself that I need to truly move on and focus on me and my kids.  I think for the last three years, I was working on myself and moving forward, but always had a tiny bit of hope that he would get through his MLC and be open to at least discussing reconciliation. He said  so many crazy things when he left… “I need to put me first” “I like hanging out with her and if I say married to you, you won’t let me hang out with her and I’ll resent you , I  don’t want to reset you” and “I have to leave, but maybe someday we can get remarried or just live together” and like most of you he said , “it’s not what you think”. Now that she is pregnant and it was definitely a choice, I have to accept that it probably wasn’t MLC, he just didn’t love me anymore and I question if he ever really loved me.
I know I will get better and I need to stop trying to figure out why- i have been focusing too much of my energy on reading why people do this and how do you handle your ex having a baby with someone else. Do they ever regret what they did to the family? I need to be healthy and strong for my two kids. My family is now the three of us and I will take it one step at a time and accept he isn’t part of our family any more.
Again, it is so nice to be able to vent to people who understand. Thank you all.

[UrsaMajor]

Now that she is pregnant and it was definitely a choice, I have to accept that it probably wasn’t MLC, he just didn’t love me anymore and I question if he ever really loved me.

This is not a case of "He didn't love me anymore so he's having a baby with OW." This is a case of a Mid-Lifer sticking his willy where it didn't belong, because it was exciting and gave him an Endorphin rush, not taking any precautions, and now having to deal with the resulting consequences. It has NOTHING to do with him "not loving you anymore." He doesn't love ANYONE, including - actually mostly himself - at the moment.....

Yes it was his choice to go off and do  the Mattress Mambo with OW. Yes it was his choice to do so without a love glove or other appropriate protection.

But equating the that and "he didn't love me anymore" is like trying to equate chalk and cheese....

[MadLuv]

I agree with UM. The MLCer crisis is all about not loving themselves and their identify is in question. They are trying whatever to find themselves and they make horrid choices while doing it. They cant love anyone when they don't love themselves. So, back to …it’s not about you!! 

Also, you can move forward and still hope he finds his way. I still hope for my kids and gs that my MLCer finds himself, but I am no longer hoping so much that it is my focus. So, you focus on you and your kids and if he finds his way then you see where you are then. This is your life and you live it for you and your kids now.  He has to live with all his choices and their consequences.

 Let him have this “new” life he has left for. As I told my XH. How’s your life now, because you had a pretty good life and it doesn’t look to great now. Once you see the mess they created for what it is, well it makes it much easier to let them play it out while you heal and move forward to a stronger and better life.

[Treasur]

I agree with the others that you might be in danger of doing a 1+1 = 5 here. Ow’s pregnancy says nothing more really than they had unprotected sex and ow is choosing to go ahead with the pregnancy. It really doesn’t even say much about the nature of their relationship, let alone your past relationship with him.

Having said that, it is normal and part of the healing process imho to chew on what was real and what was maybe not as we thought it was after this kind of huge betrayal until we reach some sort of conclusion that feels close enough to make peace with. And that’s a very personal thing.

Years on, I’m not sure I have ever quite managed to line up my experience of my h pre BD and post BD - even knowing all I know now, it still seems pretty bizarre and I see no way I could have predicted it based on his behaviour towards me for decades. The best I have come up with is that my h did love me but not perhaps quite in the way it seemed to me and others that he did or in the way that I would love. Or not enough when his own mental s$it hit the fan - which is about his tactics in dealing with that not me or us tbh. I never could have done some of the things to him that he did to me - it just isn’t in my tool kit. I didn’t know it was in his either….until it was. And I see what happened as a rather tragic loss of something good regardless tbh of how he might see it today. If I am wrong and he was a) capable and b) willing to fake love like that day after day for twenty years then it seems to me that a) he would be a truly f’ed up human and b) he unwisely wasted twenty years of his own life in a charade for unknown reasons which makes him a fool. Sounds pretty unlikely to me though….either way, it’s his loss as well as mine.

[MadLuv]

I also have come to the conclusion that if they have FOO issues or have always had an avoidant personality, then they just don’t attach as deeply as we do. I honestly think my XH loved me more than he has anyone and also his kids, yet he is now remarried and living and supporting some other mans adult kids and has abandoned his own. I think it’s easier for them to keep the mask on with those that don’t truly know them.

What I can say 2 years and 8 mths  is that my XH is just existing. There is no love in the new relationship. I think he like his wife, but there is no deep connection or love. He will talk to me any chance he gets and he never defends her, ever.  I believe  the limerence is gone , but he can just show up and her and her kids are all about them and so he can just disappear in the background. That’s no life. So, don’t discount your value in your relationship. It is truly all about his internal struggles.  That has been my experience .

It has been so helpful for my own trauma to not be so damaging to me. As Treasur has said and I agree. There is NO way I could do anything to my XH even close to what he did to me or anyone for that matter. I think that is why it is so hard for us to accept that anyone could. Specially someone we loved so much.

[Raphael]

Now that she is pregnant and it was definitely a choice, I have to accept that it probably wasn’t MLC, he just didn’t love me anymore and I question if he ever really loved me.
I guess what I was trying to say here is that they were trying to have a baby. She had two miscarriages (why he told me that I have no idea - other than to torture me more) he had ED for several years before he left, but after he met her (while we were still married ) he started to seek more treatment for his ED not to be with me but to be with her. I did call him after he told the kids about their new brother and told him how upset the kids were. He told me all the same things , we never got along, we had bad luck, you never trusted me. But this time he added “we decided a long time ago to not have more kids” and “ you know how much I wanted a baby of my own” I know it’s not about me (at least I tell myself that - not sure I believe it yet) but he left me for someone who could give him what he obviously could not get from me. If he is escaping from the responsibilities of our family, why would he start a brand new one with someone else. I guess that is why I question if it is MLC or he just wanted out. And I don’t understand how this OW (I call her Trixie) would think at 34 years old that having a baby with a 52 year old man that she is not married to and has never met his daughter (28) and has only seen his son (25) a few times a year that it is a good idea. She wasn’t there when he told the kids - what did he say to her, “hey, I gotta  go tell my adult children you are having my baby, but you are not invited” it’s so bizarre.
I know I am stuck right now and I’m in a not so great place, but you all have given me such wonderful advice and counsel.  I so appreciate it.

[MadLuv]

My XH had ED issues for 7 years before leaving and ended up it was bad enough for surgery, yet he found someone to marry him. Some people just want to be taken care of and they know also how to build a man up to get him, but that mask also fades. My XH married immediately. They think these other people are the answer. What you do know MLC or not is that how they behave and how they move on so quickly is NOT normal. Who they are now is not worthy of you. The age difference on your H and his new partner is going to be an issue. It will. They dont think far enough ahead. They look at instant gratification.

[UrsaMajor]

Now that she is pregnant and it was definitely a choice,

Yes. He made a choice to have unprotected sex with a woman who was not his wife.

I have to accept that it probably wasn’t MLC, he just didn’t love me anymore and I question if he ever really loved me.

If you really didn't love eating liver and onions, would you continue to eat liver and onions EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE for <how ever many years you were married before he went bat-snot crazy> years? Probably not.....

I guess what I was trying to say here is that they were trying to have a baby.

Trying to decipher what intentions the Mid-Lifer and the Affair Down (AD) had is like trying to taste green..... with your elbow.  But I disagree.... SHE may have been trying to have a baby. HE was trying to get his rocks off and the new-found rush of sticking his willy where it didn't belong heightened the excitement (which may have very well been helpful in alleviating part of the ED issues).

She had two miscarriages (why he told me that I have no idea - other than to torture me more)

Because he is a Mid-Lifer in the throes of Replay and a twatwaffle.... Nothing more than that. Most Mid-Lifers don't have enough emotionally functional brain cells to sit and come up with sadistic plans on how to torture their LBS's and the filter between brain and mouth is practically non-existent. Yeah, they talk a lot of smack and can get really cruel on a moments notice but it isn't often where there is malice aforethought. Rather they want to lash out at the time against something or someone that they see as the root of all their issues.

he had ED for several years before he left, but after he met her (while we were still married ) he started to seek more treatment for his ED not to be with me but to be with her.

So, he was already seeking treatment with you? and then went at it whole hog when the MLC took over his swiss cheese brain

I did call him after he told the kids about their new brother and told him how upset the kids were. He told me all the same things , we never got along, we had bad luck, you never trusted me. But this time he added “we decided a long time ago to not have more kids” and “ you know how much I wanted a baby of my own”

So, you not only got the full load of

you got the historical revisionism to boot..... Lucky you 

I know it’s not about me (at least I tell myself that - not sure I believe it yet) but he left me for someone who could give him what he obviously could not get from me.

.....
Yes and if it wasn't THIS particular OW, it would have been a different one because she is just a symptom of his dis-ease, NOT the cause. What she/it can give him is that happy rush of endorphins.... Too bad they wear off so quickly..... so he'll need another shot soon....

If he is escaping from the responsibilities of our family, why would he start a brand new one with someone else.

 
Because he didn't think any farther than his willy..... The little head took over all thought processes and he is now a hormonally driven Bug in an Edgar suit

I guess that is why I question if it is MLC or he just wanted out.

Yum Yum Yum... GREEN!

And I don’t understand how this OW (I call her Trixie) would think at 34 years old that having a baby with a 52 year old man that she is not married to and has never met his daughter (28) and has only seen his son (25) a few times a year that it is a good idea.

Because she is JUST as broken as he is.... After all, the Affair Down is NOT someone "better" than the LBS... The AD is someone WORSE than the MLC'er themselves because then the Mid-Lifer gets that extra endorphin rush from being "superior" to the AD.....

She wasn’t there when he told the kids - what did he say to her, “hey, I gotta  go tell my adult children you are having my baby, but you are not invited”

Who cares what he told her. She deserves as much space in your head as she is paying rent for..... ZERO! 

it’s so bizarre.

EVERYTHING about MLC is bizarre..... That is why the LBS is taken for a loop... We (who are still reasonably sane in comparison) have NO frame of reference by which to categorize or order the actions of the Mid-Lifer.... It is so far form what we knew before the body snatcher showed up or how our lives together were that it takes a LONG time to wrap our heads around, especially when the Mid-Lifer undergoes such a rapid and complete personality change...

I know I am stuck right now and I’m in a not so great place, but you all have given me such wonderful advice and counsel.  I so appreciate it.

If you were out gallivanting around and not somewhat disturbed, I'd be wondering WHO the MLC'er actually was....  This is a long hard slog in the mud, not a sprint to the finish.... Just hang in there... Put one foot in front of the other, survive until the next minute, the next hour, the next week, the next month, the next year and see what you can do.....