[titleholder]

Great update,TH.  You are learning the lessons and putting your focus and energy where it will be best served:  YOU and your child.  You cannot control what the MLC'ER chooses to do, over and over again, but you can move forward and create a life you will truly love and one of which you can be proud.  That's where the magic happens;  turning ashes to diamonds.

Thank you BB, I always really appreciate your updates and reply's!

I wanted to respond to your message on my thread TH (thank you for your comments - I nodded along), but then I had to start a new thread - so I thought I would respond here. What you describe above, I see many similarities with what happened to me in the summer. It's hard not to get drawn in, because we still hold the image of our former spouse in our hearts  - so when we get glimpses and in this case it seems like a big glimpse with some introspection on his part  - well, it is so bittersweet, and I for one wanted to believe that my H was going to work on himself. And maybe he meant it when he said it, but what I suspect happens in these early days is that, when they are struggling, they are drawn towards us because we know them so well and they may feel safe with us. Perhaps it is initially soothing for them and perhaps they think we will pick them up and say 'there, there'.  At the same time, we represent damage they have to repair. WE are not the damage, but they have caused us harm, and they know that (deep, or not so deep, down). So, it's just too hard for them and I suspect they bury it all in denial and/or blame, and b*gger off to shiny new attentions of an OW.

My H seemed to have a lot of self-reflection -  he even said 'what I did to you was appalling' - and wouldn't you think that the next line that followed would be 'and I am sorry'? But, no. This to me says it all. Sounds like you xH is still in projection blame mode. How nice of him to 'care for you but...' - doesn't he realize he is the one being a jackass man-child at this moment? And not the catch of the day. It should be you saying 'I care for you, but [insert your own description]' For me,  I think if I hear or experience a real apology, that would be a good start. But, same as with your exH, it's still all about him. So it's really great to hear you and your D are thriving. You thrived despite what was thrown at you, which in many ways will make your bond stronger I suspect.

I always see so many similarities in all of our stories and I see a lot in ours too Kaydee! Sometimes there's clarity in the things they say but it never follows through in actions, so those words are as good as meaningless. They really have a lot of $h!te to go through in order to heal from their past and the destruction which accured after BD. It takes a grownup to deal with those things in a meaningfull way and they're not capable and I think that most of them aren't going to evolve into a new and improved version of themself. But maybe I'm too harsh and I'm wrong.. but also on the facebook-group there's almost only stories about all the destruction and only a handfull of stories where the MLC'er comes out of the tunnel a better person.

Thanks for the response Dragonfly and Madluv; it's so relatable.. it's all about them!

[titleholder]

Hello all!

I wanted to wait with an update because april is my 2-year anniversary of BD, but on the other hand I also don’t want to give that horrible date too much attention! So here I am :-)

Let’s start with how I’m doing; honestly I’m doing good! Sure there are still days that I can’t believe what happened to me and how my xH could’ve fall down the rabbit hole this badly, but sadly this is the reality I live in everday. I still mourn this loss, but I’m coming closer and closer to acceptance. My D3 is doing amazingly and I love my little life with her. I’m so, so happy that she’s with me 70% of the time. My life is filled with friends, family and a lot of activities that give me joy!

And also (as faith would have it) I’m in a really stable and loving relationship right now. I met this man last summer, way too quickly after deciding to stop dating the other guy, but I immediatly felt that this was a good one. We took it slow and he was really understanding and mature about this (green flag woohoo!). I think I can finally say what a relieve it is to be in a healthy relationship. After everything that has happened when your life is crumbling down you sometimes forget what ‘normal’ is.

My xH still down in the tunnel; no surprises there. I think I experienced another Touch&Go last week when he came over for coffee (necessary meet-up to talk about D3). He still isn’t happy. He still doesn’t know what the meaning of his life is. Our D3 gives his life meaning, but she’s also the one ‘stopping’ him from living the life he wants (partying, vacations etc.) but he also doesn’t want to do these things because he’s old (mind you he’s 35). So still very much depressed. He took up therapy again because he feels he’s ‘stuck’. I told him that therapy would be very wise indeed :-) I feel that he’s relieved that I’m moving on with my life, but sometimes I also get the idea he’s a bit jealous. While he’s lying in his pit of despair I’m moving on with my life and making the best of it despite everything that has happened. To repeat his own words: ‘so you’re not laying in the bath tub slitting your own wrist?’. Nope xH I’m not and I refuse to let myself sink down that low.

He also told me that he’s realising that he has to open his eyes to what has happened two years ago at BD. I nearly lost it, so after two years he hasn’t done any thinking about what has happened when he got up and destroyed our lifes. They really do run, compartmentalize and repress every emotion or situation that is hard for them..

He’s still with OW but from what I hear they treat eachother like $h!te. OW has so much dept that she’s now in a forced goverment-program to pay that dept back. Can anybody say; winner-winner chicken dinner?! I’m really happy I divorced him so quickly because with the dept OW has we could’ve had a ugly divorce where she smelled money. Luckily  my finances are really stable and me and my D3 can live a good life without financial problems.

Every day I’m trying to make the best out of the life that has been given to me. And I think I’m doing pretty well with that! 

Love, TH.

[KayDee]

You sound great TH! Isn't it funny (peculiar not HA HA), that he cannot distinguish between you and him when he says that thing about being in the bath with slashed wrists. Such a curious thing to say. Are you and he one in his mind? Is this projection and how he feels. Not sure it's worth too much agonizing - it just jumped out at me I suppose.

(ps - LOVE 'winner, winner, chicken dinner' going to borrow that if I may  )

[titleholder]

You sound great TH! Isn't it funny (peculiar not HA HA), that he cannot distinguish between you and him when he says that thing about being in the bath with slashed wrists. Such a curious thing to say. Are you and he one in his mind? Is this projection and how he feels. Not sure it's worth too much agonizing - it just jumped out at me I suppose.

(ps - LOVE 'winner, winner, chicken dinner' going to borrow that if I may  )

YES it's exactly that! He really doesn't know where his own self ends and the self of the other persons begins? I told him we're two different people; you talk yourself down, I talk myself up and that's why we're both living the lifes we have right now.

Haha of course you may!

Thanks KayDee, I always love your reactions! They have so much depth and always cheer me up 

[Treasur]

What a very nice update, great to hear your progress!

[titleholder]

What a very nice update, great to hear your progress!

Thank you Treasur!

[Reinventing]

I’m really happy I divorced him so quickly because with the dept OW has we could’ve had a ugly divorce where she smelled money.

Yes. And since OWs like to compete with the W, they would also try and get resources from you just to do so, even if they weren't in debt. But he sounds like he picked an extra special one.

[Hollie220423]

This is so great for me to read - that there is hope out the other side of this sh*t storm - my husband is 38 and I already felt like I maybe making excuses for him it being a MLC as he’s too young but I knowing that it can happen to younger guys - I also have small children 8,3 and 6 months - I am 10 months post bomb drop I was 6 months pregnant at the time.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Always so good to hear from you. When I read Hollie220423, and her having a baby and all, I immediately thought of you.

He took up therapy again because he feels he’s ‘stuck’.

He is stuck in a world where he wants to live like a teenager with not one ounce of responsibility. Unfortunately, to obtain such a life you have  1, Have really wealthy indulgent parents, 2, Win the lottery, or 3, Be so incredibly hot looking that you can become someone's eye candy. I don't think your ex is going to hit one, two, or three. So he needs to be ready for a really hard life. Just remember, his choices, his consequences.

To repeat his own words: ‘so you’re not laying in the bath tub slitting your own wrist?’.

Unlike your ex, you didn't wallow in misery. Instead, you recovered from the trauma he inflicted on you and moved forward. In one way, you both wanted a great life. The exception was you wanted a real life and he wanted a fantasy life. Who is making positive progress towards their stated goals?

And also (as faith would have it) I’m in a really stable and loving relationship right now. I met this man last summer, way too quickly after deciding to stop dating the other guy, but I immediatly felt that this was a good one. We took it slow and he was really understanding and mature about this (green flag woohoo!). I think I can finally say what a relieve it is to be in a healthy relationship.

So happy for you. It is nice to be in a real relationship with a person that you can deeply love. I am so happy for you. Your ex is not only jealous, but he is also going to have a lot of regret for letting the best thing that ever happened to him go.

Have an amazing day,

(((Ready)))

[beyondblessed]

Nice to hear an update, TH.  You sound strong and moving forward at a great pace.  Keep on keeping on.  And, also, congrats on the new relationship.  Meeting someone stable, loving and whole in all ways is a huge blessing and an eye opener to the stark contrast between was is now as opposed to what once was.