[Standing Strong]

Journaling:

Oh wow... it's been a couple months.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 

Well.... what to report on? Hmmmmm.... everything!! HA!!

So...... W was home for all the holidays. 1st time ever (excluding the one Christmas we both had COVID).
She didn't go to my families Christmas or Thanksgiving, and just hid at her sisters. Still..... 1st year with her here. How about that?

I still see some what I guess could be called "flashes" of MLC, but these are like an echo or something, and they are so fleeting that before I really catch it - it's already gone.
As for W...... No big moment of admitting anything, and the way she perceives the last 6 years is twisted. I haven't gotten to the heart of that yet, but I will. In her mind there was no break, it's like she has skipped over it, or at least major parts of it.
She's still doing counseling, and it seems very regular, but it's mentioned to me very rarely..... she's keeping that very private (as always).
Lots and lots of change, even in the last months but really I have lost track of time...... it's all just a blur to me now - and I don't have a care in the world except doing what I need to do.

W has gone from a MLC-Self Centered- Miserable person to someone who is very caring for others, and wanting to be a part of their lives. Right now she's searching for a way to help others..... she's writing writing writing..... always writing. She thinks she's very deep, but she's skirting what she's been thru without directly saying/admitting it. Well, give her time. What else is there?
Her religious side has roared back into existence from nothingness...... and if anything, it seems as though she has overcorrected: Trying to compensate for something, or fix something. Just my impression.
Her eagerness to help or do anything she can for me is nice - and every so often I'll ask for something so she feels useful.... but I don't need anything. There isn't any real "working together" kinda stuff at this point..... but her guilt is very evident.
We are still at arms length. There is no touch. Well, to be honest I still recoil from touching her. I think she feels unworthy, and I'm not leaving an (emotional) opening. She's invited to everything, but not biting unless it's totally 100% easy and safe with no exposure on her part. She is completely raw, and I can see it.
Later this year she's going to go see her mom again..... and by that time it'll be more than a year since she visited. I know she misses her, but she doesn't miss the place. That's a big change. She's also taking her mom on a vacation out of that country so she doesn't have to go there twice in a year (this is new).
Lot of change.

On to me!! I finally healed my injury that's been plaguing me for 4+ years!!! WOOOHOOO!! Now I'm back to REALLY working out. I love it. Lifting almost every day now. No more pain. Oh 6-pack, you're days are numbered, I finally have you where I want you. Come Sept, I'm going to be big and shredded...... just in time for the water park in Orlando.
Lot of travel planned. Four trips this year, and I did invite W....... she though about it and declined. Just weren't things she was interested in. That's something that has changed about both of us...... I like this, she likes that - and neither one seems shy about just saying "ok, see ya later". 20 years ago that would've been unthinkable..... and it still is a little strange. I love the independence I had to adopt, but at the same time..... people ask "where's your wife?", I just shrug my shoulders..... but it could be true in the reverse I suppose, but I'm not going to South America. Zero interest for me, and that's been the only place she would go. Maybe that'll change in the next year or two.

Here in two months months will be my 6th anniversary of Bomb Drop. How time flies..... but time has no meaning here. Life is good and happy, and this really is the best time of my entire life..... and a good chunk of that I can chalk up to MLC. If it hadn't been for that, I wouldn't have been forced to grow. I was good before, I'm great now. Hmmmmm, come to think of it...... what I am now so closely resembles what I was before getting married (the person). It's kinda shocking...... and I like me    HA!!!

What does this year hold? I wonder that.... but it isn't in terms of her or us, or whatever..... but this year is EXCITING!!! I don't know what's coming, but whatever it is: it's good. I can feel it, and I control it: It's my life...... and no one can make it good or bad for me.
Still..... I sometimes wonder what a really good relationship would be like.... what it would feel like. I still only imagine that with W, but the understanding and realization that there's a possibility she will never open up. That would be sad, and a waste, and a tragedy, but I'll be ok no matter what.

Oh and the little dog? He's amazing. My little furry bundle of joy who loves to fight and wrestle and walk his daddy. He shines so bright.

Well, that's my life.

One (fill in the blank) at a time,

-SS

[Biscuit]

Great update SS - sounds fantastic for you!

[Happylight]

Way to go!  I wonder if having kids versus not having kids impacts the pace or the actions of MLC spouse in anyway. Although there were many times I have been the sole responsible parent, I have seen many flashes now that I think replay has died down where he does miss his kids.  He has also expressed a couple of times that he knows that he let them down by not showing up for things.  But really what I am saying is that the kids tie us together in a way that is unbreakable even with EVERYTHING.  I admire your strength because I am not sure that I would still be standing if it wasn't for them (and my marriage vows).

Glad to read you are healed and doing well.  I tore my rotator cuff, so hoping healing happens for me as well!

[MadLuv]

Sounds like the slow and steady course still, but no huge suprised is nice!!!  Good update

[Standing Strong]

Thanks B, H, and ML!!! 

And happy Valentines to all.

Small story to update:

Today is Valentines day..... which means nothing to me, and hasn't for a long time..... but I'm still cooking her favorite tonight: Tacos. Not that I'd point it out or anything like that (or that she'd notice)..... I know, that's all that matters. That's how it's been forever.

Well...... W calls up during the afternoon (not usual, actually very rare since MLC) and I figure she wants something, or is going to say she's working late or whatever...... a quick call and *click*. That's normal.
This time: nope..... slow, normal talk "how are you.... bla bla bla". Hmmmmm. Ok.
After like 5 min of small talk, she says "It's Valentines Day..... happy Valentines Day....... we should do something this weekend".
We should? Huh. That's new.
Of course we haven't done anything on Valentines since she was in Shadow..... so at least eight years. Back in the day, I'd cook something very special and nice..... and she wouldn't really care or appreciate it....... with the "Food isn't that important to me" line. 
Anyway, a very odd feeling for her to jump in like this.
Not a big thing, although three, four, five years ago I'd have been very excited. HA!!!!

Reconnection - what a process.

One piece at a time,

-SS

[Baxter1]

Always love your updates! They give hope to the rest of us who are not quite as far in this journey.
Happy Valentine’s Day.