[Mimosa]

Hello Everyone. I just need some advice to see what I should do with my Husband’s MLC. Three weeks ago he dropped the bomb and said that He doesn’t want a relationship anymore after 18 years.. He was going to wait till our kids are in college before he was going to tell me that he wanted a divorce. But I asked him what was really going on as he was distant with me the past couple of months. He said that he felt stuck since the beginning and that we got together for the wrong reasons. That all of a sudden he can’t forget all the things i’ve done in the past, etc etc. He said it was all the “small things” that he can’t forget. He also said that now is the time to start doing things that he wasn’t able to do before and wants to start thinking about his own future. And now he just leaves the house without telling anyone, comes
Home really late at night and he hardly talks to our kids and myself. But there are times he still gives me a hug, or a kiss and sometimes he just ignores me. He keeps saying that we’re not in a relationship anymore.. but never brings out the word divorce. He says he loves me but not “in love” with me. I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I let him go or will he eventually come back to us? How long will this take? How about you guys? How did you handle your spouse’s MLC? Thanks

[Reinventing]

Others will come along with a longer welcome than mine. I just want to say I am sorry you are experiencing the script that we also received. Everything he said has been said most other people in a MLC.

It is not you or your marriage. It is him going through a crisis in his life. You can't fix it or fix him.

He may begin lengthening the time that there were "problems" from 2 years to 10 years to even when he met you. The list of reasons he is unhappy--things you did or didnt do--can also change and expand. It is not based on reality.

He fell out of love with himself and is seeking a reason to explain that and has landed on the problem being external to himself, namely you and the marriage.

This is hard to hear, but he is likely in a relationship with someone else or will be soon. The reason they usually have an affair, buy a new car, try on a new persona, live like a teenager, etc, etc is to increase their dopamine levels. It is a temporary high, but it takes time for them to realize that.

This is a good, compassionate group. You're not going crazy. We've been there ourselves.

[Treasur]

Well, that all sounds very typical script. I’m so sorry.
You should prepare yourself that there almost certainly is an ow (or women). I’m so sorry for that too.

In his head he has mentally divorced you if that makes sense. Very common for MLCers bc paperwork, honesty and practical consequences are all rather tediously adult for them. Sorry. Plus tbh a ‘not divorce’ is not the same as an ‘active marriage’ is it? I suspect you know that but right now bc it is so overwhelming you may be in a bit of a fight/flight/freeze reaction which is pretty normal too.

So, what should you do? Well, that is for you to decide and we’ll support you in whatever healthy choices you make. It’s very early days for you so I suspect, like most of us, you are struggling to think your way out of a paper bag, right? Different LBS have differences in their situations - age of kids, finances, housing, work, family support, vulnerability to abuse, health issues - which can make a difference to what is possible, sensible or necessary.

My two best pieces of advice fwiw?

Seek legal advice right now - you don’t have to act on it but knowing where you stand and what you might need to do to protect everything that matters most to you bar your marriage might help you down the line.

Start getting very clear about what IS in your control and what is not. And what is happening right now vs what might or might not happen in the future. Invest the majority of your mental and physical energy, such as it is, on things that ARE in your control (no matter how small) and on current present realities rather than the past or future. And that includes prioritising your own mental and physical health - sleep, food, exercise, maybe an IC to help manage your emotional wellbeing - bc most of us take a lot of damage on those things post BD and your kids need one stable, healthy, active parent.

So, can you decide to ‘let him go’ if you wish - although what does that mean to you practically speaking? - yes. Can you ask him to leave? Yes. Can you make him do so? Deoends on the law where you live. Will he come back to you and his family? That’s an unknown. Will you want him back in the future after all the damage he is causing and will cause? That’s an unknown too. What we can say is two things….neither of them perhaps what you want to hear….if this is an MLC, you’re looking at years not months and it usually gets much worse before it gets any better. And if this is an MLC, it’s about his issues, not you or your marriage - the good news is that means you didn’t cause it and there is most likely nothing horribly wrong with you as a wife, woman or person; the bad news is that neither you or your marriage caused it, so neither you or marital solutions can fix it.

What do you think is the best thing to do for you and your kids as a next step? What are you most concerned about in any next steps you might take in how you respond or adapt to what’s currently happening? Do you have a network of support for you and the kids where you live? Can you support yourself financially and keep a roof over your head if you need to?

[Baxter1]

Pizza,
Sorry you’re here but it’s good that you found this site. There are plenty of resources and links here that explain what is going on with your MLCer. I’m a newbie to this club too and I have found this site invaluable, you can come on here and bounce ideas off the group and get advice as to what is going on and what to do. I got the ILYB speech and have a stay at home MLCer who goes out constantly, sometimes I get a heads up as to when and where, sometimes I wake up and her car is gone and she’s home hours later. Each one is different but the common denominator is the pain left in their wake. Good luck on your journey, we have all been there and feel your pain

[WHY]

I would find out if he has OW because in my case, I would no longer stand if there was a PA. 

So before raking yourself over the coals and enduring daily mental torture to stand.  Figure out under what circumstances you’re willing to stand.  And if those circumstances exist, or not. 

I’m very sorry you’re going though this.  But please prepare yourself.  He more than likely has OW. 

[MadLuv]

I’m so sorry you are here. But as others have said it all sounds like text hool MLC words and behaviors.

Should I let him go or will he eventually come back to us?

  no one can tell you that. Not even him. If you can ( I was not able to so soon) detach from him and ignore his behavior. I personally would not accept hugs and kisses from someone telling me that they don’t love me or want to be with me. Show him you accept his decision but those decisions have consequences. Be kind, but only friendly and matching his behavior. I found this group way to far  in for me and I was already trauma bonded and cycling. Read, read, read!!!! All the journalling here as it will help you understand what is happening.

How long will this take? How about you guys? How did you handle your spouse’s MLC?

it may never end. That is up to him and how he faces his crisis. Get legal advise. If he seems completely off the rails you can present him with a separation agreement or divorce agreement. I divorced my xh right away. After 30 years. He agreed to everything I asked  for and although it went against everything believed in, it secured my future and saved a large portion of what we accrued. If I had waited I know now OW would have been in his ear to much for him to care about my needs

Keep journalling. This sight will be a life saver to you when you feel like your lost and alone.

[thissucks7788]

Hi Mimosa,
Welcome to the forum but so sorry that you're here.  I agree with the above.  Please prepare yourself for the real possibility that there is an OW, if not physically then most likely emotionally.  It is a horrible thing to go through and I hope you're taking good care of yourself at this time.  Most MLCers have some type of affair as they use it as an escape. 

At this time he will most likely be unable to care for you in any way so just be ready. They are pretty selfish beings. I would get a consultation with a lawyer (usually free) just to see where you stand. You don't have to hire anyone at this point, but please make sure that financially you will be protected.  Some MLCers can do a lot of damage in that way.

I know some people feel differently, but for me, I wanted my H out of the house as soon as I learned about his EA.  I told him I wouldn't stand in the way of him and his "soul mate". I helped him find an apartment (because I wanted him out asap). I only spoke to him through something called smart contact which means no relationship talk-- we only spoke about our child and business. (Check out Marriage Helpers- Smart Contact) Other than that, I was brief and pleasant.  They don't seem to care about your feelings during this and you can expect a lot of heartbreak from his behavior.

 If it's seems that I took this all in stride--I didn't.  However I made sure not to "show my face" to my H but I cried rivers and rivers privately. I wondered who this cold person was.  Anyway, I just let him play it out (you really don't have much of a choice) and did what I could to keep myself active and busy.  My H did want to come back after about 5 months (so this might have been more of a transition than a crisis or it's possible I could get a BD again down the line)  But we did reconcile, and I let him come home about 2 months after he asked.  Truthfully reconciliation has its own set of issues as a trust broken is hard to repair and does a lot of damage. But hopefully you will be the one to decide yes or no down the line.

I wish you all the best during this journey.  Keep posting as the people here are so wonderful and will support you during this time. I've made some fantastic forum friends and I'm very grateful.
B

[Mimosa]

I just have a quick question.. is it better to completely ignore my H  or still try and do small talks with him? He is a at home boomerang. Most of time he is the one that initiates the conversation about his work, about my day, and the kids and there are times he doesn’t say anything. We still both live in the same house so it’s hard to not have a conversation but it is always him that starts it. Like before he would totally ignore me but lately he will see me and asks how my day was or he’ll start talking about work. But he still goes out and does whatever / whenever he wants and comes home really late. Then he’ll tell me about the things he did while he was out. I am so confused I don’t know if I should just ignore him and  minimize what I share with him? I don’t know.. any advice for me about this situation? Thanks

[Baxter1]

Maybe someone else can chime in but I think you can talk to him if he initiates. My W was silent and ignored me for months. She coming around now and I love it. It may or may not last though. Maybe Google ‘smart contact’ from marriage helper(on YouTube). Basically you let him steer the conversation, no begging/pleading that kinda thing. Good luck!

[xyzcf]

I really don't think there is any benefit in not responding to him. The most important thing is how does it make you feel and what impact does it have on your peace of mind.

Since this is all so very recent, one of the hard things is not to ask questions or discuss the relationship. Avoiding this is probably a wise idea....experience from many others here have found it not to be helpful to question them at this point.

I think that if it is possible, then answering his comments to you is not a bad thing.

I believe that ignoring him or not responding back is a kind of "punitive" thing and does nothing to keep any type of communication open.

Everyone is different and some people do not ever want to talk to their spouse again.

It depends what feels right for you...trust your gut.

My therapist spoke to me about my concerns about having contact with him that I could decide and change my mind from one day to the next. Nothing is carved in stone and I have always felt it better to answer him back. It's all totally superficial and meaningless but I felt it was better for our family to be able to be in the same room together and have a conversation, interact with our daughter and son in law. She finds this better for her as well.

I am going to link your previous thread and this one together. We ask posters to stay on the same thread for 150 posts. This makes it easier for others to follow along with your story and is better for the running of the forum. You can always change the title of your new comments if you wish.

Here is the place where you can find RCR's articles with many topics covered about how to deal with the MLCer.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

These articles reflect upon the various contact levels

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_contact-levels.html