[xyzcf]

I think you are about 5 weeks post BD.

It is not uncommon to be intimate even after BD. There is this whole need to connect, to bond, a sexual urge that maybe this will bring us back together again.

He is still your husband.

Have I messed up my No Contact? Is there a way I can fix it? What was his purpose of being intimate with me?

You have not messed up anything Mimosa. You succumbed to a very basic human need with your husband. As long as he didn't force you, there is nothing wrong with that.

He is in a crisis. There isn't a "purpose" for why he was intimate with you and that why it is very confusing in the first weeks and months to separate....

It does leave us feeling unsettled, unbalanced...so glad that you seemed to have recovered quickly.

[Mimosa]

Thanks!! I really thought I messed it up! after what happened I was afraid I was gonna spiral back down from how I was after the BD..that I was always crying, a mess, desperate, hoping and expecting that we will get back together right away. But No, I didn’t cry, I didn’t mention anything about our relationship, My initial thought was. “Huh, so that happened”! 😂 I think? I am starting to detach myself from Him.. which is good!! I am slowly starting to focus on myself more and more everyday. 🥰 I hope I can keep this up!

[xyzcf]

Thanks!! I really thought I messed it up! after what happened I was afraid I was gonna spiral back down from how I was after the BD..that I was always crying, a mess, desperate, hoping and expecting that we will get back together right away.

In the future, there is nothing “unusual” about crying or being a mess. Most of us spend a very long time finding peace and calmness. It is a huge trauma and requires much time…..but we heal.

It is not how we wish to feel but often we cannot prevent those overwhelming emotions from taking over.

Actually crying is the body’s way to release “ pain” so I would not be concerned about it.

There is a lot of going back and forth in the MLCer’s head initially, they don’t understand their feelings from one day to the next and if you ask them, they cannot answer with any type of reasonable response.

One word of caution which is rather difficult , if your husband is having sex with another person, then you have to take precautions not to get a  STD,. I honestly do not know how I would have handled that, even though I had worked as a sexual health nurse…I just could not imagine having to have that discussion with him but we were never intimate so I did not have to face the reality.

Take care of yourself and your needs first.

[Mimosa]

I thought of that too, that’s why next time if he initiates, I have to say No for me. I am trying hard to do the No contact I have to stay on track with that for me. For my own healing. I would rather not see him or talk to him. And then I had a good cry yesterday.. I thought I was fine.. until I cried for 2 hours while driving home.. Its just some things are hard to forget, for example, I did something very important yesterday and usually he would be with me for something like that.. but as I was driving home I bawled.. because I was driving by myself and thinking he was supposed to be with me and he wasn’t.. It is soooo heartbreaking. I can’t kick him out of our house because financially, we will both be doomed.I still have those days where I’m hoping that he would “snap out of it right now” that brings me back to where I started and seeing him all the time doesn’t make it easy for me. BUT,  I have made progress for myself.. i am actually doing GAL. Going for a coffee with friends, meeting up for lunch. For a while I didnt want to do anything at ALL. At least there’s progress. I don’t ask or wonder where he goes now.. it doesnt bother me as much. I never initiate conversations. H always starts it.. slow but surely progress.

[xyzcf]

For my own healing. I would rather not see him or talk to him.

So very hard to do since you are still living in the same home. You are going out with friends and getting away from him so that is good.

I thought I was fine.. until I cried for 2 hours while driving home.

One of the things I did was volunteer at a food bank...stacking shelves was mindless and I could keep it together. But I would cry all the way driving there and all the way driving home. I never thought there could be so many tears to shed......although I know that crying is a good way to deal with pain, it was exhausting.

I never initiate conversations. H always starts it.. slow but surely progress.

Definite progress Mimosa! It's such a bizarre way to live....not to freely talk to them about whatever as we did for such a long time. It is like a switch went off inside of them when it comes to treating us with kindness or caring........their lack of empathy...at least for me was so hard for me to get my mind around. I often thought, ok, if he wanted out of the marriage, there were ways to have done so that would have been more "reasonable" and would have allowed me to resolve the ending of our marriage without all the confusion and to this day, he doesn't acknowledge or offer any words to explain......

and then I go back to the realization, this was never about me, it was never about our marriage and healthy adults do not act this way.

The tears will become less frequent until a time when they cease....sadness may remain and certain dates can still cause me to reflect on what was and "de-stabilize" me a bit......that's ok for there is so very much shattered by their abandonment, rejection and betrayal and scars do remain...at least for me they do.

[Songanddance]

My H was a stay at homer but had an affair for 3.5 yrs of that.

There's lots I have posted about - you are welcome to read all 25 threads!! 
Maybe something in there will resonate with you and help you.

You're getting lots of good advice.  My main advice - is look after yourself first.  Don't feel guilty - just be kind to yourself and allow yourself to yo yo - it's normal.

[Mimosa]

Thanks.. I am trying day by day..I still cry most days because I think about our good times and makes me miss my H so much. It just hurts so much. But I don’t show him any of my sadness when he sees me.. I just ignore him most of the time or H will initiate the conversation. And I will just keep talking like we’re friends.. it is so hard. 😩😩😩 I will check out your threads!!! 😊

[PhoenixRising75]

Hi, Mimosa. Love the name. I am catching up on your thread. What you are going through now sounds so much like the beginning of how things went for me, except 1 1/2 years ago my H stated I did not love him, and I needed to change the way I did things because I behaved more as a roommate than a loving partner. He was very upset with me for not appreciating his 10 years of hard work becoming a better man. Please note his better man journey was 10 years of leaving me at home to do everything while he pursued his “giving to the community and under served kids through soccer- he was a ref, a coach, joined the board, became assistant district manager, elite coach, started his own Club, etc.” Everyone thought he was so wonderful and caring, a real hero. At home with me, he was of course different. Highly critical, impatient, demanding, jealous, accusatory, suspicious. I was happier when he was out being wonderful, and I could have peace. Lonely became alone. Independence and holding down the fort was my solace. My kids kept me busy, and there were good times sprinkled in there with H, so I just accepted it as a normal part of a long relationship.
The pandemic stopped all that out conquering the worl, slaying dragons, doing the good work for H. He was stuck at home facing the reality that both myself and our youngest were so very independent, aka not needing him. He started trying to connect with us. He wanted to be involved in our decisions, he wanted us to run things by him, he wanted in on something he had for the most part turned a blind eye to. My son and I made some efforts, both in our own ways, but it wasn’t what he was needing or looking for. He wanted his hero status back, and we were the only ones around he could try to get it from. He monstered at this stage, and love bombed.  He wanted intimacy, needed intimacy, and I wasn’t giving enough in his mind. It’s hard to want a monster to touch you. He never could wrap his head around that.
As the world opened back up, he jumped at the chance to go out more, and I wasn’t invited. Taking me out anywhere had always been difficult for him because I always received attention, attention I didn’t ask for, but nonetheless always happened. Sure, being hit on, depending on where we went, but also attention from group friends, too. Hard to be a hero if someone else is shining a bit, I guess. I’m trying to paint the picture of how I now understand his resentment built up towards me over time. I thought I was being a good wife, and supporting him. He saw differently.
Cold detachment came next. He also started injecting Testosterone at this time, 1.5 years ago. Mini BD’s, I’m not happy in our marriage, you don’t love me”..etc, etc. I don’t know why I thought he’d figure it out, that I was loving and supportive if enough time passed. He started looking to prove I didn’t love him, picking fights, and the like. Lots of blame and shame he dumped on me. Blame for being too independent, blame for hiding things from him, blame for finishing the things he left half done. He said he wanted a Divorce, but opted to just spend most waking hours out partying instead. He didn’t tell me where or who, he wouldn’t text to say he wasn’t coming home. He stopped talking to me much at all. Concerts, trips, party party, no explanations given for his behavior, except that I didn’t love him enough.
Fast forward to BD last February. He couldn’t trust me, I had let him down in every way. He had been forced to have an EA because of me. He had found a house to rent, and he was leaving because he wasn’t going to stay miserable, like he had been so miserable the last 25 years with me.
I am sharing this because, like others pointed out, things are just getting started. Your H is currently at home. Mine was for a year before he up and left. If you read my thread you can gain insight into some of the real triggers for his MLC. They have nothing to do with me, or our marriage. He keeps trying to fix himself from the outside in, and can’t figure out why it isn’t working. He never gets to the IN part of any real healing. He is being much nicer to me now, though. He has stopped outwardly blaming me for everything. Outward isn’t inward, but I’ll take the respite.

[UrsaMajor]

RP - if he is juicing, better to have him out of the house and away from you and your son regardless. "'roid rage" is real.... Let him rage on OW and Co.....

[Treasur]

Agree with the others that you should be clear-eyed and kind to yourself that it is very early days and so it is understandably hard to see which way is up at times. We get it. For most LBS, with time and events, our thoughts and feelings move around and evolve. Sometimes in ways that surprise us.

Well done on all the positive self care things you are doing bc it is not easy at all when you feel as if one tornado just blew down your house and part of you is waiting for the next one.

I am trying hard to do the No contact I have to stay on track with that for me. For my own healing. I would rather not see him or talk to him.

Imho part of seeing which way is up is to be as accurate and honest with ourselves about the language we use and how it affects our actions and expectations.
No Contact is not a magic fix. It is not what works for everyone. It is not a tool to restore your marriage or influence your h’s behaviour. Plus, of course, it is not the reality if you are still under the same roof - unless you live in a huge mansion with an east wing lol.

So in your situation, I would drop the phrase. It isn’t what is happening. It’s perhaps an unfair goal to hold yourself to in the current circumstances. What you seem to be aiming for instead right now is perhaps Less Contact? And trying to emotionally detach how you feel about your day/life/future from anything your h says or does. Which I imagine is pretty hard to do under the same roof.

At the same time, I would encourage you to listen to your own instinct that you feel your own healing requires less interaction with him. That’s fine and entirely reasonable - well to anyone but an MLCer who lives in a garage  Get specific with yourself….what does that look like to you in the current situation?

He keeps saying that we’re not in a relationship anymore.. but never brings out the word divorce.

You wrote this on your first post, and I’m going to encourage you to take what he says at face value as current reality. Not to believe any of his BS about why or any of his opinions about you or your marriage, but to operate on the principle that he has in a sense divorced you in his head. Which is nuts, I know….but in his MLC world, that means he thinks of himself as now having all the freedoms of being not married and none of the obligations of being a husband or probably parent.
Take him at his word. Stop any wifely behaviour. Do not try to protect him in any way from the pretty predictable consequences of getting what he wants. But protect yourself….and that includes deciding if having a husband in name only lurking in the garage for months/years feels do-able to you or not.

I see what you wrote about living separately bringing financial disaster for both of you. Unfortunately that is pretty common as a fallout effect from what your h is doing and a lot of LBS here have lived through it. You can’t prevent some of it sadly….but you can take action and gather information to protect yourself the best you can. Practically speaking - and I know this is a tough message - MLCers usually create financial havoc post BD and the consequences don’t seem to matter much to them. They seem to think they can do a kind of virtual divorce in their head, and live however they want without adult obligations or consequences. They rarely contribute equally to shared costs post BD and most situations here will unfortunately end up in either financial/legal separation or divorce.

It depends on individual circumstances, of course, but protecting ourselves in the longer term often requires thinking the unthinkable and taking back some level of control rather than waiting for the MLCer to put a more grown up plan in action. Or indeed have a plan lol. It seems bizarre I know, but humans tend to do things repeatedly or consistently bc in some way it works for us. So your h finds living in the garage post BD an ok enough solution at the moment….but newsflash lol, not everything in life is just about what he wants, is it? It is ok and reasonable for you to look at the situation and decide that it isn’t ok enough for you as a way to live. Or that it is….until it isn’t. Either way, I’d encourage you to get legal advice where you live on your options and obligations, even if you are not ready to act on them. I’d encourage you - and it can help to create less contact - to separate your joint financial and domestic arrangements as much as you can. Partly to protect yourself from further damage. Partly to unhook the practicalities of your life from anything that is dependent or affected by his emotions, priorities or actions. Everything from cars to laundry to groceries to credit cards. And to start considering what your options might be if you had to create a life without any financial contribution from him….short term solutions, longer term possibilities.

I wrote on someone else’s thread that MLCers often behave a bit like unhinged teenagers, and that it’s usually a costly mistake to let a teenager be in charge of your own life ship