[Treasur]

Go slow and steady, my friend.
We are all thinking of you and cheering you on

[Singstein]

So today I went with a friend I made at the hospital to get some more stuff from our apartment. My H was shocked to see me, and more so the guy he didn’t know. First thing he asked: „who is this??“ After packing my stuff we hugged a long time - and he cried a lot. Said he loves me, that he is not well and he is sorry about that he couldn’t help me in my situation. He „doesn’t know“.  I didn’t cry; I simply told him I still love him and don’t want a divorce, that I would like to be there for him but well…
The friend said afterward that he doesn’t know what to make of this behavior. I don’t get it either, but he is still confused and hurting clearly and I felt sorry for him and wanted to help him. But I can’t. At least he didn’t treat me coldly and seems to worry about me dating other men. I feel drained of all energy now, but I am proud I didn’t cry or beg. Now I am spending time with another friend, going to dinner and tomorrow going rock climbing together.

[Reinventing]

Great job for taking care of yourself and having a friend help you, for giving a supportive answer but not getting into a relationship discussion when it's such a hard thing you are doing (moving your things), and for taking care of yourself with dinner and then rock-climbing.

[KayDee]

Yes, I agree with Reinventing - it may not seem it now, but it took a lot of strength to go back to the apartment and get your things. And it's a testament to your own survival instincts that you knew that you needed some help and support to do this and this help was given readily. The fact that you are able to ask for help is a big part of the recovery. I recognize well the situation you describe with your H. It is so painful and it can hurt deeply, because our empathy and love means we absorb the pain. We don't just switch off our feelings for our spouses. I've had a very similar situation happen to me. At first, I felt a sort of vindicated, but then I realized, that was completely the wrong way to think about this awful situation plus I already knew in my bones his crisis wasn't because of me. More importantly, it doesn't change much in the short term. You have still been harmed and your recovery process will be the same. It has to be gone through. Through, not over    But, the fact that your H has said these things, it does show some self-reflection, and IF he keeps to this, and winds in the blaming of you, it may help you establish a better way to reconnect in the future. But it such early days, and emotions are all over the place. The term used here is cycling. You will likely see it in him and yourself. That's why it is always better to give yourself a bit of time before making any decisions relating to your H or your M. Another adage here is the Rule of 3 - take 3 minutes, days, months. Three days seems th most sensible to me  But, I honestly think the best way to help the situation, for now, is to solely focus on your recovery. He needs time alone to answer his own questions - the whole 'don't know' of it. I hope you are settled somewhere safe for now. You've just taken another major step.

[forthetrees]

Kudos to your care providers for having helped you find that amount of strength in a month. It does seem odd that your H was shocked to see you- makes one wonder just how much the LBS is erased from the files. Kinda like, "Oh, you still exist?" When you are having a moment of feeling that you have to help him as he´s in crisis- remind yourself that he was ok not checking in on you during the worst of your worst. You still have a lot of healing to do on your own before you´ll be strong enough to be the person he can fall apart on- if you even want to take on that role in the future. You did provide a road map for him in terms of how when one is in a really bad mental state, reaching out for help is a great option.

Rock climbing is a great idea as you have to be 100% in the moment with no mental energy to spare on the whole MLC situation. While being in your Dad´s house will be tough in many respects, there´s also the comfort of being in a place that you know well that has the belongings of someone you loved and who loved you.

Here´s to daily steps of progress as you navigate the next couple of months.

[Singstein]

Thank you all so much; I really appreciate it!
I don’t read too much into his behavior because I know it can change again over night. I am on my way to my home town and already I am planning things to do with friends. I am glad I am leaving this city anf today I feel pretty good about building a new future while also standing (standing can change of course; right now I still love him and miss him so I keep on hoping about a future together, but I am prepared to have one without him if I must). I am glad I have a lot of good friends; otherwise I would feel very lonely.
The rock climbing today was great! Sports really help because you have to concentrate on what you are doing. And it went well, so it was good for my self-esteem.
I am still going with the version of no contact to my H in terms of I don’t contact him but answer politely and quite nice if he texts me. That feels good for me and I don’t wait for answers.
The health care provider really was the best thing to do. I believe without getting help I would be in a much worse place right now. I encourage everyone to seek help; I know some health care systems make it hard, depending on the country.. I got an app where you have 12 appointments with therapists online during the next months till I find a therapist directly in the new city.
Again, thank you all so much! It helps a lot!

[PrairieVole]

“but I can't be angry at the man I spent 8 years with, but kind of hate the man he is now, if that makes sense”

I have been reading through your thread and even though you said this a while ago, it 100% makes sense to me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels that way. This is why I enjoy reading through all the threads here. I feel so much less alone.

I hope you are well and have had some fun times with your friends.

[Reinventing]

That feels good for me and I don’t wait for answers.

And that is the most important thing--how it works for you.

You are really doing well getting your supports in place and being practical about building your life while you stand.

Not to say that it doesn't hurt deeply and that you don't have cycling emotions, but even with all of that, you are focusing on setting up your best recovery from this.

I wish I had thought of rock climbing because running did allow for thinking. Swimming was a bit more demanding as far as thinking about what you were doing (so that I didn't breathe in water, sometimes while crying), but rock climbing would have absolutely taken every bit of concentration for me.

Finding ways to give my brain and body a break from the pain was a focus of mine for sure. So that I could endure the next 15 minutes......

[UrsaMajor]

“but I can't be angry at the man I spent 8 years with, but kind of hate the man he is now, if that makes sense”

I have been reading through your thread and even though you said this a while ago, it 100% makes sense to me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels that way.

That is because "the man he is now" is sort of like this guy....

or this one

[MadLuv]

You sound great and are doing all the things that definitely for me were most helpful. Exercise and friends!!  I also agree that you can hate the man he is now and still care for the man he was. I firmly believe they are all in there somewhere. Who has the strength to find themselves again and evolve… that is the unknown and so keep moving forward and keeping busy is a great way to do it!!