[Kintsugi]

I am over 7 years post bomb drop and feel like it is still an uphill journey.   The OW (a.k.a. skank) is still working at the same place, still a homewrecker.  From what I know she moved into our area in 2020 and lives within miles of us.  We do not speak of her or the situation.  A very close friend of mine was recently promoted to where this homewrecker works and is one of the skank's bosses.  She keeps me updated on the skank's shenanigans.  Not much has changed.  I have this weird desire to tell my husband what a POS the skank continues to be but I cannot bring myself to it.  I sometimes wonder if he has seen her in area shops/businesses, but I also don't want to know. 
I think I posted that when his MLT was brewing (as far as I know no sex) I began to have weird feelings towards a distant coworker but I checked myself really quickly.  I knew something was amiss at home because of these feelings and ended up finding stuff through my husband's FB account.  I have been working overtime at another location which happens to be the location where my former coworker is.  I saw him one time while I was covering but didn't engage in conversation or acknowledge.  Seeing this person again just brought back so much of the memories of the betrayal from 2016.  I am trying not to go backwards and dwell on the negativity and the pain. 
I know standing was going to be work back then and continues to be work now.  Any suggestions?  Thanks. 

[Treasur]

I have no suggestions as such bc my own situation was/is so different from your own. I hope that others who are still with their spouses some years on will come along with some thoughts on their experience and what worked for them.

I suppose I just want to show you that you are heard and validate your feelings. Which I think you feel are negative, looking backwards and causing you some pain? If I remember rightly, you are a therapist yourself so I’m going to assume that as part of your own good professional practice you have a supervising therapist? Do you also still see someone on a more personal level to support your own healing?

I’m going to say a bunch of things now that I know you probably know….but hey ho, cobblers children, right?  ….sometimes even with our professional expertise, we need to be reminded when we are in a situation as opposed to outside one.

Triggers are common after trauma, although they ebb and flow.
Imho, at their most basic, they are a signal that some part of us feels unsafe regardless of the real ‘threat’ posed by the triggering thing.
Hypervigiliance is a common residue of trauma, a survival tool in our brains that comes with some quirky neurochemical and physical effects that can make it difficult to figure out our own wood from the trees. And therefore what is a ‘real’ threat or sense of disquiet and what is not.

Reading your post made me muse on three things….

- How safe do you feel in your life writ large currently? And what’s makes you feel more safe or less safe?

- What is the nature of your reconciled relationship with your h currently? Is there anything going on - with his behaviour or in life - which might be setting off small, even less conscious, alarms? Bc again jmo but I think there can be a gift of information in our own alarm settings as the well-known book ‘The Gift of Fear’ suggests, but a history of trauma or PTSD can lead us to doubt them perhaps. What do you think is really going on for you right now? And how does it make you feel about yourself?

- What do you see as your current exposure to things that might be harmful or distressing to you? As an example, your friend’s updates about the skanky ow continuing to do what those kind of folks do….what do you think you get from that now which you might feel you need or want? As a general rule, and again jmo, individual recovery from trauma does seem to require a bit of a deep dig on the illusions and realities of our own sense of safety particularly about what we can and can’t control. And regardless of what others do or don’t do.

I know from experience how very hard it is to live with a high alarm setting - it’s exhausting and confusing as hell. There’s a lot of truth imho in the saying that trauma renders past things into today things much as our rational brain tells us they are in the past…so I would probably suggest that you try to be a little kinder to yourself, to not use words like ‘dwelling in the past’ but instead think of them as signals and the common realities of how traumatised brains seem to work. It’s perhaps much less about your character and much more about the nature of trauma 

I can also see, I think, reading between the lines, that a lot of your internal energy is focused on ow/workplace links still but less perhaps on holding your h accountable for his choices. Or the agreements between you now that might help shift your focus to the life you are actually living today and the benefits or disadvantages of it from your pov. Idk what you might feel you need from your h to feel safer or what kinds of conversations, if any, have taken place about what happened and the effects of it. But I wanted you to know that I hear you. Bc this is your life and you have the right, regardless of your choices in the past or what others think, to feel safe and calm and peaceful in your own skin.

PTSD is imho a doozy. And it is hard to recover from as a solo sport. I wonder if you might feel it is time to seek (or seek again) some support from a professional who understands trauma and might be able to give you some new tools, perspectives or options?

[Songanddance]

She keeps me updated on the skank's shenanigans.

Why - why does she do that?   
If you are reconciled and working on your marriage - knowing what the OW is up to is not helpful.  That is a boundary that you can put into place.  You don't need to know what OW Is upto - it's now none of your concern.

It was what it was - your H had feelings for the OW and they are now over and done with? 

The trigger of BD is always going to be there until you work on yourself to reduce the trigger. 
My H was a stay at homer "let's flaunt and taunt S&D as I get ready each evening to go and see OW" for 3.5 years.  I had to work very hard with my therapist to remove the trigger and now I am not triggered by her. I will use her name and I will call H's actions out when he says something foolish like " do you remember when...." and it's his memory with OW not me.  I do it calmly and quietly. 

Yes it takes work. But it is very very possible.

Finally - my personal opinion is that if you continue to call her a skank or such names - it keeps you locked into the trigger response.  It keeps the memory fresh and remember your H was 100% responsible for his actions during his MLT - do you call him names?   
She contributed to wrecking your home - that is true. However you know as well as anyone that broken people do damaging things. It doesn't ever excuse it of course.   
She can only wreck your thoughts and your self growth as you and H continue to work on your marriage if you let her.

Call her by her actual name- make her a person and see her as a very very flawed person who is not worth your time or effort. If your H has rejected her - then why not you?   Find a way to cope with the trigger responses - I know there are a lot of ways of doing this. And, most certainly ask your friend not to "update" you- there is absolutely no point in knowing about her now - none!

Be kind to yourself too - it's human to feel triggered because BD is traumatic.  Allow yourself a few moments of "Grrr!" and then focus on what you want to achieve for yourself and for your marriage.

[9393roo]

Hello,

I too am 7+ years post BD and still working on reconnecting and building a new marriage.  Song and Treasur both have some really great points here (They always seem to know what say   

Getting through the reconnection and rebuilding stage for me has been anything but linear or easy.  I agree with Song that we LBS's need to be kind to ourselves more,  we have gone through some pretty big trauma that can continue to come back in bits and pieces and kick us in the butt.  Learning how to deal with these pieces and taking personal responsibility for dealing with these pieces is starting to become a game changer for me.   

A question for you, is your H currently DOING something to make you feel unsafe?  I have been working on answering this question myself when trauma comes back to trigger me.  I have to step back and honestly answer it.  If there is something that he is doing, I let it sit a day to see if it's something in my head or is he actually doing something to trigger me.  If after a day if I still am unsettled with it I will ask him to have a talk.  We have seen a great marriage counselor and have learned a lot of communication skills.  We were stuck in a blame/shame cycle for a few months that didn't do either of us any good. 

I have this weird desire to tell my husband what a POS the skank continues to be but I cannot bring myself to it.  I sometimes wonder if he has seen her in area shops/businesses, but I also don't want to know.

Take a step back and ask yourself, What good is this going to do me?"  What are you going to get out of telling him what A POS his former affair partner is?  Does it benefit you in any way?  My H's OW is an employee of our company that we own.  He had a physical affair with her and he still has to see her in group settings.  We had a safety plan between us a year ago that if ever has to have a meeting with her alone, I wanted to know about it.  However now, I don't even care.  He still tells me every time he sees her in a group situation, I have told him he doesn't need to do this anymore but he doesn't want it to ever look like something is continuing.  He says my safety is important to him.  Does he ever think about her?  Who knows?  That's not anything I can control.  As far as letting him know how messed up the OW is personally? My H's OW has done a really good job at showing the world on her own.  The best I can do is shake my head and walk away from anyone talking about it.

Finally - my personal opinion is that if you continue to call her a skank or such names - it keeps you locked into the trigger response.  It keeps the memory fresh and remember your H was 100% responsible for his actions during his MLT - do you call him names? 

100% agree with this right here.  I said some pretty horrible things about my H's OW until I realized that by doing so I was down at that High School level of mentality right along with her.  I'm 58 and beyond this now.  Both my H and I have grown up in the past year. 

Sending you hugs from here.  I know this isn't easy, none of this MLC sludge is easy.  If you are making the choice to stay with your H and he is making the choice to stay with you, that is huge.  Don't let the noise of the past misguide your future.  If you step off  into the hole of what was, it's hard to come back.  There is no way to change ANYTHING that happened to you. Accept and move forward is the best we can do.  I hope you can find peace.   

[toomanytearss]

I am 9 years in and reconnected but not reconciled. That is by my choice.

I just want to say that reconciling, in my opinion, is every bit as difficult as was the bd and all that came from that. So please don’t be too hard on yourself.

As the process of mlc brings to light in us our own issues that we must face and figure out so does reconciling.

I agree that at this point still calling the ow names is something you need to face. I found so much strength and power when I got to a place to be able to call them their given name. That took away some of the power I felt they had.

Now I’m not as forgiving and empathetic as many here. I still think they are pieces of $h!te and I don’t feel sorry for them or any hurt or struggles they have endured. To me they aren’t my problem, they aren’t family that I love or friends that I love. So they can go find empathy and understanding somewhere else.

But I did want to heal myself so I did have to face that they are humans with names and that I could say their names and take back my strength.

I feel that especially during reconciling you must face your fears and triggers. You must be able to discuss these with your spouse and receive understanding. But ultimately you have to find a way to face them and heal.

Just like I had to put my xh on lockdown, so to speak, not speaking to him or hearing about his shenanigans so I could have the space to heal I believe you also need to shut down any current information about anything concerning the ow. You are only keeping those feelings of hurt strongly alive. And although for that moment it might feel good to hear she’s still a piece of $h!te it ultimately is you that this information hurts. Not her. I hope that makes sense.

Much of the painful memories I have had through this hold very little power over me anymore. Don’t get me wrong they still pop in my head occasionally and I have to deal with them but but it isn’t long lived anymore.

I haven’t not reconciled with my xh because of the things he’s done or the memories that get in my space here and there. I’ve chosen not to reconcile at this time because I don’t feel comfortable with his actions. He is nice to me even kind at times. He gives me no reason to distrust him at this point. But he has not taken the action of working through his issues or participating in working through our issues. He seems to like band aides instead of doing the actual work and dealing with his issues.

It’s a very difficult place to be sometimes. But I continue on with my life.

So I do understand to some degree how very difficult it is where you are at right now. But you’ve learned so much and now you need to apply those skills for where you are at now.

Sending you strength

[sachat3]

Okay so I’ll admit I’m not familiar with your backstory. Im only 5 almost 6 years in. I imagine different circumstances etc etc. I have three small kids, at the moment they are 6 (almost 7) 9 &11. At BD they were 1,3&6. When they met Ow they would have been around 3-4,5-6,7-8. I’m not a stander any more. I’m more an “iffer” IF one day clington is worthy of a chance. I’ll accept it. Same way I would anyone else.

First thing that struck me is, why does your friend still inform you. A few years ago I had to tell my friends STOP TELLING ME. Unless it affects my kids. I don’t want to know.
Also song said it best, use her name. It sounds weird I know, but for about 4 years I never called her her name. It was always she was spoke about in a way we knew who we were talking about or I’d said “her”. When I started using her name, the fear left. She was just another thing. Another one of his ex’s.
Mine never cheated with ow, it’s a bit weird for me. But still, once I used her name I wasn’t triggered. I viewed her the same as the ex’s before me or a random girl he knew. Not ow

[thissucks7788]

This post is extremely helpful.  I am at under a year of reconciliation (H wanted back in Aug 2022 and he moved back home in Oct 2022)- so really a newbie at it but I fully agree that the healing process has been anything but linear.  A rollercoaster in fact.  Unwanted thoughts, triggers and other goodies between times of feeling good, connected and happy.  Crazy process.  In fact something strange that has happened to me since H returned.  I am panicky and uncomfortable when H drives.  Now I have been driving with H for zillions of years prior to this...but ever since he came home, I just can't be relaxed when he is driving.  Weird, right?  A friend pointed out that it is my mindset playing out in real life.  When H is driving, I give up all control and depend on him to get me there safely.  Since all this happened, I guess I have my doubts and it expressed itself in this strange manner.  Anyway, I did discuss it with H and he understood.  Looks like I'll be driving for a while though now.

But anyway, I'm sorry to make your thread about me.  I will say that I would want no updates about the OW.  Maybe tell your friend that you're not interested.  I mean ow can pop into your thoughts without any prompting-- you certainly don't need any help with that.

Sending hugs to you-- this process is pretty tough.
B
xo

[sachat3]

I wholeheartedly agree. You do not need updates on Ow. During my time dealing with Ow1 my friends would always tell me things they saw online. I had blocked her so I couldn’t see. And I always said, unless it concerns my kids. I do not care. So sure you might go “omg look ow is wearing the same outfit as you” and we would laugh but I don’t need it. I don’t want to know. Even my kids who spent every other weekend with ow would come back and say things like “ow has the same tan as you” etc. and I even told them “only tell me really important things”. Not that I wanted to make them feel like they couldn’t talk to me about her. I would have bitten my tongue. But like I said to my friends. Unless it involves my kids (mine were young even now 5 years in they are only 6,9&11) I don’t need to know. Did I need to know ow wore the same outfit as me two months after I did. No. No I didn’t. Did I need to know she snatched a phone out of my oldest daughters hand. Yea. Yea I did.

Protect yourself. These ow will be a trigger for a long while. Don’t give them any power. They’re worthless.

[MadLuv]

I think also that if you fear the OW than maybe any woman will be a trigger. The OW has no power without your H giving it to her.  So, if you feel he is truly committed than you no longer need to fear her and her antics nor need to hear  of them. There will always be women that don’t respect marital boundries. Once our H or W allow those boundries to be broken is when we have to decide if their commitment is solid and true and we can believe that. It’s a huge ask after so much deceit and betrayal . Thats why reconciliation is harder work than can be imagined .

[Songanddance]

The OW has no power without your H giving it to her.

Not quite.....The OW has no power if Kintsugi doesn't give it to her. 

We can only control ourselves and no one else.