[Dragonfly33]

Dear madluv, it's nice to hear from you.

I have been pretty detached, but still feel a little loss on direction in my life and I have to say it is hard to know that with all the destruction he is able to move up in a new company and  have multiple Homes and cars. Seems like he is  not living any consequences for the pain he has caused. .

It's funny you mentioned feeling being lost in life. This was exactly what I discussed for many sessions with my therapist. This is exactly how I feel even 4 years after BD and a year after divorce. I told my therapist in a number of occassions that I felt lost. I don't have any direction in life and I just felt like being stagnant.She said to me this is so normal because it's a big thing what we went through. I didn't just mourn the loss of my H and my marriage but I was also working on my childhood traumas. But she said to me,this is temporary. We will find our purpose and direction in life again Madluv. Maybe not what we imagined and wanted it to be but something better. Also these consequences for MLCers, I talked about this a number of times with my sisters and my mom. I told them how come he seemed enjoying his life, the person who did all these bad things to me. And I am the only one suffering. But, this is what we see from the outside. We don't know if they are really indeed happy now. I always believe in the saying, what you throw out there in the world will always find a way to come back to you. I'm not wishing that they should suffer but everything we do good or bad always has a consequence.

Like you I totally cut contact with my xh. A couple of times I contacted him last year but it's because of administrative stuff. I don't engage myself in long text exchange anymore. I am done with that even if he tells me he's not feeling well or he's sick. I just wished him well. Of course my case is different from yours as we don't have kids. The no contact has helped me a lot in detaching from that toxic cycle with my xh. Of course at times, I wish he would come home. At times I miss him a lot but I miss the person I married not the person at BD. I keep reminding myself that and usually it happens when I am overwhelmed by things in life or be insecure in life. He used to be my rock but now I only have myself. That is hard to accept but we have to force ourselves to accept that in the end we only have ourselves to rely on.

I'm sorry about your relationship with your daughter. She maybe affected by what your xh did but don't forget that she is also an adult and not a child anymore. She chose not to communicate with you and that is on her. My father also abandoned us at an early age. We lived with our aunts, and grandmas (both sides). It was a very unstable childhood. But despite that, we chose to stick with our mother, even though she herself at some point abandoned us to get my father back. We saw that she worked hard to raise us as a single parent. We appreciate that. All I want to say is that your daughter's choice of not communicating with you is not your exh's fault.

I hope you will have good days again. And I want to tell you, you are not alone in having those bad moments. I have them too and Im inclined on blaming my xh which is actually not helping but like you said we are humans and we are still hurting. I think the hurt will not totally go away but it may lessen.

[KayDee]

Well, he could also be throwing himself into work as an avoidance tactic?  It's so hard to know, isn't it. what they are really thinking and feeling, when we just get snap shots. Lots of extremely unhappy people have big houses and nice cars  Your conscience is clear Madluv and that's worth more IMO.

I really responded to the exchange you had with your best friend about loss. I read the Salt Path recently - short synopsis - a couple become homeless just as they find out the husband has an incurable illness. And, despite myself (because their hardship is so great) I kept thinking - but you have each other and you love for each other. I really had to have a word with myself  This couple, they went on both a real and emotional journey and somehow came through it enriched. I hope I can do the same. Life throws us hardships of all shapes and sizes I suppose. If you can read the Guardian Newspaper where you are, they do a great section called A New Start After 60 https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/a-new-start-after-60 - when the global news drags me down, I read this. Very uplifting - bet there's an LBS in the roster - think I noted one.

[Nas]

I read the Salt Path recently - short synopsis - a couple become homeless just as they find out the husband has an incurable illness. And, despite myself (because their hardship is so great) I kept thinking - but you have each other and you love for each other. I really had to have a word with myself 

I couldn't not respond to this, as someone who became homeless just as I found out my cancer had progressed, I can say maybe your gut reaction thoughts are very understandable. Everything is easier when you have someone to support you, to acknowledge you, to talk things through with you, to find solutions with you - EVERYTHING. It doesn't change circumstances but it changes emotional state, which changes how we respond to circumstances. We CAN do it ourselves, and we do, but it is harder. So I would take nothing away from a couple who persevered through extraordinarily difficult circumstances - their strength and achievement is not diminished by your true acknowledgment that it would be different and harder to get through it all alone.

[Evermore]

Thank you for pointing us in the direction of the Guardian articles KD! I had a quick skim through them and was chuckling to myself at my automatic categorising as I did (‘well that one screams MLC’, ‘good on them, likely LBS’). I thought it worth posting the link to this story here. 70 at BD after 46 years of marriage and now (well, in article) 102 and living a full life. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jun/05/a-new-start-after-60-i-was-devastated-by-divorce-at-70-but-at-102-i-know-the-secrets-of-a-well-lived-life?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

[MadLuv]

Kaydee- thank you. I am very familiar with the guardian and read it often. Thank you for sharing. I haven’t been on there for a while. I also think his work and purchases and need to be successful and get back to where is was is for his ego and also escape as you said. I don’t think he is happy, but ai don’t know that he is sad anymore either. I think he is just living.

 I also came across an article from the Uk that was so relatable on why we struggle after a break up.

https://www.lifesrosie.co.uk/5-ways-your-brain-is-sabotaging-your-heartbreak-recovery-and-how-to-speed-up-the-process-of-moving-on/

DF- yes!! Exactly!! I also told my therapist ( before I was laid off and wuit going) that I just cant find a direction. Where  can I go and still feel safe and will I regret it?

I was smart at the break up and not sure how, but I think I just knew he would be back so for a bit I could kick into my independent self. I asked for the house and all the equity. I am sure he just started a 30 year mortgage at 57 and my house will be paid off in 6 years after my refinance of 10 years. Plus if I sold now I could buy a house outright and have several 100 thousand in the bank and his weekly alimony still. Which I get for another 11 years.  The alimony covers all my monthly bills and thank goodness since I was laid off.

So, he is still taking care of me and he does. I hate it in some ways because Im so independent, but I gave up my career for him, so I dont feel bad. Maybe this is his consequence, but he agreed to it all.

On my daughter. It is definitely not my XH fault but it is what for her instigated her behavior, but she is an adult and I have been a very good mother and grandmother and it is unforgivable to be shut out. There are some other reasons but they are all internal with her and I just cant keep fighting to have her in my life. It feels abusive. So, I have just backed off. I had to drop Xmas gifts off as she said it wasn’t a good time for a visit. He bday is coming and  their will be no gift.

So, today seems like a debbie downer update, but really I have been so good. I just think we have dips and are triggered still and it’s understandable after over 30 years with someone and they just disappear.

[MadLuv]

I also wanted to share for those that wonder if any of it was real. I have come to that thought many times in the last year. Well, I was reminded of a story my XH told me and it wiped all that away. He told me towards the end of our relationship which is odd in itself, but a year before he asked me out he came to the area I was working. I was managing the mens department in a retail department store. He said, I asked you to help me pick out a sweater. I didn’t need a sweater. I just wanted to talk to you, so I kept turning down ones you picked because I wanted to extend the time. That was a year before he asked me out. When he did ask me out he did it on the escalator of the store. I said no several times and finally agreed.

Anyways… he really worked to go out with me and date me. I guess in the end if you can tap into  one of those sweet moments you can still appreciate them and also validate that it was real.

[WHY]

It was more than real for me.  Once I stopped blaming myself and realized that it was her mental breakdown, I remembered the 20 years we had together.  It was VERY real. 

This thing is crazy.  Understand MLC so deeply by now but it still seems surreal some days. 

Someone mentioned death would be easier.  At least the LBS mind understands that.  This is like your MLCer dying overnight but their ghost torturing you everyday.  When does it stop?

[MadLuv]

Why- it is the most crazy and surreal thing ever to live through, but some how we do. Time and our own personal work gets us there, but for the rational mind it can even years down the road give you pause to once again say to yourself WTF happened? My mistake this week was getting information that made me think for a minute that it was me not him. That’s ridiculous. It’s still him. A new house does not make a healthy man, but we can still have these moments that we question.

 For me it just always comes down to he is not a healthy adult. A healthy adult does not do this to anyone they once loved. So, for me and my XH recent large house purchase and the seemingly from the outside look of success its a small gut punch at first and then you realize hmmmm…. Did he magically become ok? Can his obviously damaged new OWife really have been the magic answer? No!!! Sharp no!!! It’s a facade. An escape of dealing with themselves. But…again for us relatively normal humans it can throw us around the spinning wheel of questioning our own worth and accountability in the why all this happened.

For me I think the fact my XH is looking like he is BACK from the ashes of destruction he created really threw me for a loop for a hot second, because frankly if he is so damaged and depressed as he has told me, then why is he seemingly doing so well? I don’t think he is, honestly. I think he wants to be doing well. If  he can just get back his status at work, drive a fancy car, buy that huge house than he will be happy. He just needs the right spouse. No, there is no way they leave a family they created with a devoted spouse ( even with our own flaws as we all have them) and magically start over. It’s not normal.

 I can only speak for my XH and OWife but she is so over the top ridiculous in her actions, materialism, maturity and even looks that  it has been the hardest thing to grasp. Why? That’s what you are throwing away your life for? Was that the type of person you wanted? Then why me ever?  It truly does prove that they always affair down. Always, because they can’t be with someone that makes them feel less than and not because we do, but because thats how they view themselves. Thats why we have no control in the manner someone handles their internal issues. It is a one man job.

[FaithWalker]

ML, your MLCer might have a new house and what looks like a shiny new life, but he also has to live with the pile of poo that he created when he did what he did.  I don't know that anyone could truly rest easy with that stuff on their conscience. 

I'm sorry that things are tough between you and your D right now.  I will be praying for her heart to soften.

He lit a match to his old life thinking the whole thing needed to burn, when honestly there was just one tiny light burnt out that needed changing.  Who does that?  MLCers, that's who.

[MadLuv]

Thank you FW. You are so right!! I hope my daughter also can come to a placesof calm and realization. Funny you said that they cant possibly rest easy. My therapist told me that as well. She said, when they put their head on that pillow they can’t run and avoid and they certainly dont rest.

I will say for all the newbies that even with these little moments they are just moments. My life is pretty calm and going NC has also given me more time to heal and view things myself more clearly. I feel pretty fortunate in the the circumstances that I am in.  I have survived cancer, death of both parents, my youngest daughter's death, my husband leaving, loss of my job and my  oldest daughter’s disconnection.  Yet, I am not angry. I’m not bitter. I have grown to appreciate what I still have vs what I have lost. 

Time really does  make things better. Mostly because we acclimate to our new life and circumstances and not as much  due to healing, because that still takes so much time due to trauma. I’m just so grateful not to have anxiety anymore. To sleep well, to laugh, sing and enjoy fun moments.  When you get there… even with small moments that can be a trigger. Well, those pass more quickly and you realize that no matter what life does go on and you will be ok. I’m just so thankful, because we have all been at the beginning when it seems like we wont survive. We do !!!