[toomanytearss]

ML there was something a dear friend of mine used to tell me quite often when I went down the road of "what the heck happened, maybe it was me, if it was me why is he still so miserable, he should be so happy now that he is living with his ap and has painted me to be a horrible person"

My dear friend would look at me and smile and say "Wherever he goes there he is."  LOL.  Meaning that nothing ever really changed for him or got better because wherever he goes there he is.  He's just going around with the same old baggage and hanging it in a different closet.  But he doesn't realize that if he took a moment and thought it through the common denominator in all his troubles is himself.  Hence the saying, wherever he goes there he is. 

So he hung his baggage in his fancy new house.  I'm just sure he figured a fancy new house will make it all better.  But wherever he goes there he is. 

I get to see the after effects of all this with my x.  I promise you the "happy life" that is portrayed is most likely far from accurate. 

[MadLuv]

Toomany- Oh, I so agree. I do have a MLCer that is a martyr and has said he is the issue, but he also blames me when  convenient for him.  I would hope that not seeing his own children or grandson who he was so close to is a problem for him.

What’s crazy is that he moved into his home almost 2 months ago and she did not move with him. She is still back in the condo we had with her younger D22. For a man in escape he picked someone that has been living her adult life alone in an apartment, so she is used to not living with a partner. He needs someone, but also his space. They have lived apart more than together in their 2 1/2 marriage. It’s a very weird relationship. I guess that also should not be suprising. How he is affording all his expenses is beyond me. She I think just want jewels, cars, multiple homes, clothes… she could care less about him.  That’s hard when you know how much he has lost with his kids and grandson.

[MadLuv]

Back for a little journalling after a couple months.  Divorced 3 years last month and 3 yr 3 mths since BD2.  What’s new? Well, XH continues to send weekly alimony with no issues. He still has not completed the warranty deed on the house that I refinanced immediately after divorce. He refuses to respond to any communication on our divorce agreements since I told him he was no longer my friend. He did not respond to a legal demand letter last Oct.  Last month I filed a small claims court filing against him and he has refused to sign for or pick up the certified letter.  One of the things I filed against he then just started sending me money for, but refuses to communicate.

Last week was the anniversary of our daughters death and he sent the alimony on her day. What is odd  is that it was 3 days before it was due. Never has he done that.  He still is not living with OWife. He moved in August.  It’s just the weirdest thing ever!!  They live 2 1/2 hours away from each other. I have not had any communication on the phone for almost a year.  He has not seen his kids or grandson in over 2 years. When I do have to communicate on the finances we agreed on in the divorce I know that I will not get a response and I am unaffected. He punishes me when I put up boundaries.  That no longer hurts me.

I will say that I am in complete acceptance of the situation and for me I just can never unsee or unknow what I know and I feel  fortunate to not be in the mess that I was in with him. I don't know if I ever knew him. I  don't know that he ever knew himself.  I still think the hardest part now looking back is that I hate that the man I thought he was doesn't nor will ever exist again and he used to be my favorite person. It truly is a death of a person, but they still exist. It’s the craziest thing EVER, but once you accept and see that it is easier to move on and I am.

[Evermore]

It sure is the craziest thing! Good update ML. Glad you are doing so well.

[titleholder]

I still think the hardest part now looking back is that I hate that the man I thought he was doesn't nor will ever exist again and he used to be my favorite person. It truly is a death of a person, but they still exist. It’s the craziest thing EVER, but once you accept and see that it is easier to move on and I am.

Nail on the head with this one! I relate to this so strongly. You sound good MadLuv! And it's exactly as you say, be glad you're not in his chaos anymore. You miss the person he once was (or tried to be) that person doesn't exist anymore and that is incredibly sad.

Love! TH

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi ML,

Needed to hear that message from you today.  Glad that you are doing great and very sad that the person we loved is gone.  I am getting their towards acceptance but still baffled at all that has happened.   

HF

[MadLuv]

Ever, Title, HF- thank you so much.

Things have taken a really bad turn. My XH hired an atty and denied all my allegations. It was a general denial and without merit, so I sent a offer of settlement and his attorney called today and let me tell you. He came at me like a bulldog and then acted like it was me. I stayed calm and low key, but he yelled at me and then said if he was having these kind of problems with me he can’t imagine what my XH and my conversations were like . I stated, I haven’t done anything but ask a question and he said I can hear your breathing  with attitude and you keep interrupting me. I wasn’t. It was so aggressive.  I was so unbelievably triggered as I was not doing anything. I rushed over and started a recorder , but by that time I had not fed into it so he calmed quite a bit.

He told me I did a hatchet job on my XH on the divorce……. So much and then would say, not that I am saying that you did anything wrong. It was frankly horrific. Anyways, trying to get these things resolved still from The divorce that my XH didn't handle, yet I look like a problem.  For asking after 3 years he get things done???

In the end I think after this that I do not see my XH ever coming out of this .This was all so unnecessary and he caused himself legal fees not needed. I told his attorney that I have always tried to stay on good terms and this is all not necessary, but hopefully we can complete these things. I will say I told him he had multiple affairs for over a decade, he hid money and bonuses he did not disclose in the divorce and that he hadn’t seen his kids ans grandson in over 2.5 years.  No way was I exiting that conversation with that attorney thinking  my XH was a saint. His attorneys response. He may have been a horrible husband, but I have been in this business long enough to know that you must not have a halo of perfection over your head either. 

After everything else I think my XH subjecting me to that lawyer might have been one of the top 5 daggers I have had. I can’t believe that I had and continue to have endure abuse when I am Just trying to get things done 3 years later!! This  has messed with my mind which was so healed and ready to take on the world, but I know I will bounce back, but it hurts none the less.

[JohnnyBravo]

Wow, so sorry to hear about that, MadLuv. What a jerk. I'm really glad to hear you stayed calm and held your ground. And even if it WAS a hatchet job divorce, your XH signed off on it!

Hugs,

JB

[Reinventing]

MadLuv,

Wow. I am sorry that happened. Is his attorney allowed to talk to you directly? Is that a breach of ethics?

Yes, you will bounce back, but you shouldn't have had to go through that in the first place. That is very disturbing.

[Treasur]

Well, I think you need a lawyer so ‘his lawyer can talk to your lawyer’. Imho you should ask your lawyer to get all of this unfinished business resolved in one fell sweep, including alimony, so there is no more drip drip dependent on your xh’s ’goodwill’. And I’d talk to your lawyer about filing some kind of formal complaint about the fact - and the way - that lawyer spoke to you with his firm or Bar Assiciation. Bc that’s not appropriate, professional or reasonable.

To be fair to your xh….with gritted teeth bc he’s behaving like a (insert rude word of choice)….he hired this lawyer but the lawyer alone is responsible for calling you directly and the way he spoke to you. Try to document the salient bits while it is fresh in your mind. You may also wish to get your lawyer to write to your xh directly cc ing the lawyer that his behaviour was so egregious and threatening that you will now only communicate via your own lawyer.

I am sorry that you were abused like this. I’m sure your head knows, but his lawyer was just trying to batter and bully you. What he said was BS. And legally irrelevant. Your personality, communication style and the nature of your previous marriage is none of his business and something he knows nothing about at all. It is textbook victim blaming bc your xh now has buyer’s remorse over the agreement he signed and his lawyer thinks he can bully you into a better deal for his client. That’s it. That’s all it is. Horrific behaviour by the lawyer, but it truly says nothing about you at all. Or your marriage unless this lawyer was secretly hidden as a mini-version in his pocket for decades of conversations 

Tbh it’ not very different from saying a rape victim deserved it bc she was wearing a short skirt, is it? Are you perfect? No…don’t remember that being in the vows lol. But it’s a false equivalence to say that years of affairs, financial dishonesty and abandoning his children lines up with any failing on your part as a wife….its just BS. Like all those MLC ‘reasons’, right? The dog was too fat, or you bought bagged salad .,…just BS. Please please don’t let this kind of manipulative bullying creep into your head in any way, not a jot.

But imho you now need a rock hard boundary and a decent lawyer to feel outraged and act as a terrier on your behalf.

Still I am very very sorry that your xh has kicked off this state of affairs….it is always rather sad and hurtful when someone we loved and trusted dives even lower than we imagined in their actions. Even a bit of a shock tbh….a trauma ripple.

What I was musing on reading your post is that your xh is following the mLC textbook wrt to getting worse and a bit more unhinged a few years on. You filed quickly, more quickly than most of us were wise enough to do, but the overall timescale post BD seems to be still following the MLC playbook regardless, doesn’t it? About 3 years?

Your xh got the magic happy fix he wanted but is self evidently still full of rage and self pity and entitlement and blaming you. He has doubtless told his new lawyer that you are worse than Genghis Khan and still ruining his life. How textbook is that? And I hope that too serves as a reminder that NONE of this is about you…it’s just an angry self pitying entitled typical MLC man child having a tantrum and trying to get his own way by throwing spaghetti at the wall. That’s all it is.

Funny (maybe ha ha funny, probably not right now) how frequently years on that magic happy doesn’t seem to create much happiness…… ….but a reminder still that it was never about you and he took himself and his baggage with him right along into that new life. Blaming you for your ‘hatchet job’ is a textbook way of avoiding having to take ownership of the mess he has made of his own life directly bc of his own choices. If one is feeling kind, it’s a bit of a Greek tragedy really. If one is feeling less kind - and right now imho you should lol - it’s more like someone trying to walk in your nice clean house with dogs$it on their shoes and an opportunity to Just Say No.