[MadLuv]

  She had revised the history of it and had included some elements of the real truth in order to make it more believable

  This!!!  They do have some trickle truths mixed in with their lies and I do believe that is how they continue on not looking into themselves. Over 2 years post BD2 and my daughter finding emails my XH said, “ I don’t think what your telling me is true” when asked, dates or what they say?  He replied “both” . Printed emails with stamped dates and conversations and he still could not admit it. That prompted my response of. Until you are ready to face yourself, your mistakes, your children there is no friendship to be had.

There is nothing you can do. We think we have a ball in the court, but we don’t. We have no influence on someone in crisis. Who would willingly destroy their life? That was the hardest part. You think you have  to save them, because they aren’t themselves. You almost have to let go of the HOPE. Hope kept me stuck. Waiting for the change. Put all that energy into you. It’s the hardest thing to watch someone you love make huge life altering mistakes that affect so many. It still gives me anxiety if I think to hard on it, so I try not to do that. Our rational minds can not understand the irrational, but it is their choice. No matter how messed up it is. Until they decide it is messed up!!

[Keyser77]

Wow - some of these messages are a punch in the gut.  Tough love sort of speak.  My W is going on about her life doing whatever and I am having a hard time not sitting around waiting on her to make up her mind.  We were all together as family last night and it was normal for a few hours.  Then today the alien reappears.

To further complicate things, we just found out that her grandmother is in the hospital and not doing well.  Does a life event life a close family member passing trigger something else in a MLC'er? 

If I haven't stated enough, I appreciate everyone's thoughts, comments and words of advise.  This is going to be a long road and it hasn't been easy.  I'm actaully debating do I want to end the marriage.  If you tell me that I have to put up with this for at least 2 more years before there is any chance of getting what used to be my W back, I can't do it.  I may as well end it right now and get the process going.  5 minutes from now, I'll tell you something different and say I want my M to work out. 

[xyzcf]

 

I'm actaully debating do I want to end the marriage.  If you tell me that I have to put up with this for at least 2 more years before there is any chance of getting what used to be my W back, I can't do it.  I may as well end it right now and get the process going.  5 minutes from now, I'll tell you something different and say I want my M to work out.

Hi Keyser,

It is incredibly difficult to comprehend how someone we were so close to "disappears" and it is very normal to hope that they will snap out of It and return back to us.

There is no way to give a timeframe for when or even if this will happen.

As has been stated, this is her crisis and there is nothing you can do to change things for your marriage and family. You do what is best for you, although if you mean "ending it" referring to divorcing...well it probably isn't quite that simple. You may still have feelings and love for her, and pain regardless of your legal status.

It gets easier to "accept" and some LBSers do have some wonderful new relationships....it just takes a great deal of time and there is no way to predict what the outcome will be for your marriage.

[FrenchHusband]

To further complicate things, we just found out that her grandmother is in the hospital and not doing well.  Does a life event life a close family member passing trigger something else in a MLC'er? 

If I haven't stated enough, I appreciate everyone's thoughts, comments and words of advise.  This is going to be a long road and it hasn't been easy.  I'm actaully debating do I want to end the marriage.  If you tell me that I have to put up with this for at least 2 more years before there is any chance of getting what used to be my W back, I can't do it.  I may as well end it right now and get the process going.  5 minutes from now, I'll tell you something different and say I want my M to work out.

Hi Keyser,
Sorry to see you in this place, and also happy for you that you found the community very early. It is clear when I read you, and you seem to realize yourself you are still not in a right mind to take good decisions right now. So... take your time, breathe, don't take hasty decisions. You are in the first phase so it is the biggest rollercoaster. Easy to say, not easy to do, detachment and inner peace is what can help you the most right now. The sooner you detach your wagon from the crazy locomotive, the easier you can find your own path.

[Treasur]

FrenchH is so right about taking your time. Few things are as urgent as we sometimes think they are. And a spinning mind understandably finds big decisions difficult to be clear on, which is normal….so start with small ones. Tiny ones even  …experiment with things that make you feel better and calmer, doesn’t matter what it is tbh. Try a new cologne, change your normal route to work, take up a new interest, exercise a little more or differently, read a different kind of new book or go to a different kind of movie, volunteer somewhere for a couple of hours a week or go to an art gallery.Bc anything that is good for you and your kids that is not focused on your wife’s behaviour is good enough. Imho, during these times that knock us off our feet, we need to find ways to feed our spirit and build our confidence in our ability to cope with change…..and small things can be surprisingly helpful.

I’m sorry about how tough any of our ‘tough love’ messages might be to hear.
Let’s be absolutely clear though….no one is saying that you have to ‘end’ your marriage or rush out to file. Treat the legal appointment coming up as less of a go/no go decision point but more of an information gathering appointment, for instance, to help calm your spin down. None of us can tell you with 100% certainty what will happen or how long this will last or if it will get better or worse. We are simply encouraging you to adapt your eye towards some of the current realities of how things are right now so you can stop the head spin and be able to feel better in yourself regardless of what’s going on.

Divorce can be a very practical solution for some problems, that’s true, but it is not a quick fix, brings its own demands and it is probably not an emotional solution for any of the pain or confusion you currently feel. And it is not your only option…..there’s a spectrum more than an A or B choice. But spinning heads naturally hunt for the clarity of A or B answers, don’t they? We will support you regardless of what you choose and when/if you choose any route that is healthy and positive for you and your kids.

Either way, prioritising your own emotional and practical wellbeing in the middle of such a painful s$itshow is a win….and doing that tends to require less focus on your wife’s rollercoaster and more focus on all the other bits of life that are nothing at all to do with your wife and your marriage. Focus on how you respond with appropriate boundaries that are about what you will interact with (or not) when your wife rages or ignores you rather than trying to change her attitude or behaviour or play guessing games about what or why she is doing what she’s doing. You’ll see in FrenchH’s recent updates that he has got himself to a point where, while still hoping and standing for his marriage, he is fine if his wife joins in with his life and fine if she doesn’t? Not a bad spot to aim for perhaps even if your circumstances are not identical?

And you can start today, in the next few minutes in fact 
And if you feel ok to share some of your actions and plans here, we will cheer you on 

[UrsaMajor]

To further complicate things, we just found out that her grandmother is in the hospital and not doing well.  Does a life event life a close family member passing trigger something else in a MLC'er? 

There is no real way to know in advance - this will depend on lots of factors like how close they were, what influence the Grandma had in MLCW's life (positive or negative), what relationship they had up to now, etc. In some cases we have seen here, it has propelled the MLC'er into a whole new set of antics while in others it has (at least temporarily) kicked them out of the tunnel.  Still others have just gone on their merry way into la-la land so there is really no way to know in advance.

If I haven't stated enough, I appreciate everyone's thoughts, comments and words of advise.  This is going to be a long road and it hasn't been easy.  I'm actually debating do I want to end the marriage.  If you tell me that I have to put up with this for at least 2 more years before there is any chance of getting what used to be my W back, I can't do it.  I may as well end it right now and get the process going.  5 minutes from now, I'll tell you something different and say I want my M to work out.

Although he is not around much at the moment, one of the founding members of HS (OldPilot) was adamant in saying one thing - the Mid-Lifer has given the LBS a gift - the gift of time. We (the LBS) do NOT "need" to make any snap decisions unless it is required doue to financial survival or abuse from the Mid-Lifer.  In fact, as Treasur and others have pointed out, making snap decisions at this stage, unless required, is usually detrimental to the LBS. I can personally attest to this as I made the snap decision to accept the sale of the family home and moved out quickly after MLCxW decided she was going to move. If I would have sat down with a pencil and paper and done some reasonable math, I would have found that I could have, in fact, kept the house, kept my kids in their trusted environment, and been OK.... Not as well off as we were but we would have survived it. Instead I agreed to the sale and am dealing now , at age 60, with the consequences of her actions and my decisions......

Therefore, the word here is (and yes, it IS a four-letter word that you will grow to have a total love-hate relationship with) is "time." Don't set artificial deadlines for yourself or your Mid-Lifer. Trust your gut and your heart but don't let them put your brain in the cupboard. the focus needs to be on yourself and your kids and not some "line in the sand" date set out of anger, embarrassment, retribution or hopelessness.... No one, not even you or your MLC'er can know what the future will bring so, as the saying goes, shoot the wolves closest to the sled first and THEN start worrying about the mice at your ankles......

[Helpnewc]

So much good advice.

I agree. Slow down. I just hit 16 months and I gave myself 3 months at the beginning. Yes, sometimes I regret it and other times I realise the race is long.

You are in a rough place. Your head is spinning. You never thought you would be here. I get it. The loss of control is immense. The loss of someone you love and who supported you so much is hard to take. It really does throw you for a loop.

But go slow. There is no hurry. Take the pressure off yourself and find some space to breathe.

Be a good man. Be a good dad. In the end, it is all we can control and be.

It is also enough.

[Songanddance]

  We were all together as family last night and it was normal for a few hours.  Then today the alien reappears.

To further complicate things, we just found out that her grandmother is in the hospital and not doing well.  Does a life event life a close family member passing trigger something else in a MLC'er? 

If you tell me that I have to put up with this for at least 2 more years before there is any chance of getting what used to be my W back, I can't do it.  I may as well end it right now and get the process going.  5 minutes from now, I'll tell you something different and say I want my M to work out.

In order Yep alien disappears and then reappears without notice. Which is why learning to become detached helps enormously

My H couldn't cope with his mum and her severe alzheimers and when she passed suddenly - all hell broke loose including him taking up with OW for a month before BD.

There is no timeline that is guaranteed.  Replay can last between 3 and 7 yrs.  But replay is only part of escape and avoid so even if replay finishes early - escape and avoid will still be there for a while longer.  I was 9 yrs in when I made the decision for me and H to separate. Some people do it within days because it is wholly untenable or financially wise to do so.

Whilst you understandably wobble and spin around - this is not the time to make any decision.  Never make a life changing decision based on an uncertain or vacillating emotion.

This is why we advise focus on everything else except your W - she has made herself unimportant to you and your children  now.  Step back, detach and understand this is a process. 

[Reinventing]

Keyser77, once I found out who OW was, I am glad I divorced at 6 months. Did it mean the pain was no more? Not by a long shot. It meant I lessened the time I was tussling with a 3rd party and I could build my new life, with or without him.

It helped me to know that I was going to be okay. I still had a long way to heal and that became my number one focus pretty early on.

[MadLuv]

It’s hard to make these life altering decisions when you are spinning and they are spinning. I divorced immediately, but only because he was so firm on his leaving and he allowed me to make all the terms of the divorce. I financially knew I had to do it while he was still in some guilt for me. Would he have divorced me if I hadn’t? I don’t think so. He didn’t have the mental ability, but I still don’t regret it. He is swirling to this day. My lawyer told me. You can always get remarried, but you will never get this settlement again. So, I would say. Protect yourself and go with your gut. If you can avoid the divorce you don’t want. Well, that would always be the choice. Just think everything through. Get legal advice. Know your options.