[Treasur]

The more stories you read here, particularly from folks on similar timelines, the more you will see things that mirror your own experience. Hence, the easier it becomes to see a duck rather than a previously beloved swan…..first in others’ experiences, then in your own. These folks create a lot of pain and chaos but in reality their textbook is pretty predictable and pretty limited….and not very pretty at all  But that does make it easier to begin to emotionally and/or physically as you may find that doing collective ‘family’ things the way you used to rather loses some of its’ appeal with an adult who behaves like  a teenager on speed in this way….

[Helpnewc]

Sorry Key.
It was so painful to me. There I was caring for our children and she was texting cocktails to someone else.

It is all so screwy. We don’t want to control them.

The disconnection is the worst. I am sure I got that wrong a bit.

I just watched Australia get through to the quarter finals in the women’s world cup with her tonight but she barely spoke to me. It is just weird.

Love those kids. Look after yourself. Remember you may have got some stuff wrong but no one deserves this.

[Helpnewc]

Baxter I agree.

Nothing but the EA was something that my wife could not have done and stayed married.

I suspect the pandemic has a lot to blame. She connected nothing go on with me but it was COVID.

Stay strong lads. Love your kids. Stay calm.

[UrsaMajor]

"I don’t believe my wife has but the EA is bad enough. Texting photos of her drinks go another man while I was home with the kids."

I almost fell out of my seat reading this!!!  Last Friday after a function we all went to for my kids, a group of us went out to an early dinner.  I saw my wife, who was sitting next to me at the table, take a picture of her drink and text the OM.  She didnt know I could see it.  I don't know what the message said but I could see her take the photo and text him.  Unbelievable!

Typical Mid-Lifer - they are oblivious to those around them as long as they have a way to get their next "fix" of "happy." The thrill of doing what they are doing overrides most senses of caution or propriety...

[Keyser77]

So I broke the rules but I couldn't stand it any longer.  I just confronted my W on the EA / PA issue.  I may be the most naïve person on the planet for saying this but she had a logical explanation for everything I threw at her.  So I actually believe that the PA did NOT occur as of yet.  Her definition and my definition of an EA aren't the same but she feels like the EA that I see going is innocent.  I feel better in this moment.  The weight of a possible PA was too much for me to handle and I felt like I was going to explode not knowing.  There is a possibility she could be lying but I don't believe that is the case.

During the course of the conversation she told me about some of her well meaning friends saying things that I feel like really jeopardize our M.  That actually makes me angry but I just held it in, listened to what she had to say and let her know I understand where she was going from and apologized for past mistakes that I have made that she brought up.

[WHY]

Help-
I could not feel your post more. The isolation/disconnection and the feeling that she is having a new life is the part that hurts the most. The funny thing is all the things she is doing (she goes to the beach mostly, goes out with her sister for drinks) I would be fine with, I just didn’t see the need for the ILB speech.If she would have said ‘ILY but I need some time to my self’ I’d of been fine with that.

The ILYBINILWY speech is designed to alleviate the MLCers guilt and "let the LBS down lightly" for the upcoming affair, or the affair that's already occurring.  It's designed to push the LBS away and to give the MLCer the physical and mental space needed to pursue the affair.  The timing of this bomb drop isnt random and it's the start of replay for a reason.  Things are about to escalate!

ILYBINILWY says Im not in love with you, because Im in love with someone else... 

That's why Key.  If PA is a deal breaker for you.  Spend time figuring this out.  Confronting her will only make her go more underground and hide things better.  Read the MLC script.  The lies are going to drive you insane

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

[Treasur]

I suggest you Google DARVO bc it is such a common behaviour by these folks and it can add to your confusion until you see it for what it is….

Time will tell if she is telling the truth or not.
It can be tricky bc she has some reason to lie and you have some reason to look for what you want to see. But time and events will usually shake the truth out somehow.

Assuming she is for the moment, same question applies - how acceptable is how the relationship is to you right now if she is not showing any consistent signs of wanting to behave differently with her half of it? What, if anything, is constructively different after that conversation?

[WHY]

Key I'm gonna shoot some truth darts your way regarding her denying EA/PA:

1) "I highly suspect an EA although no real proof". 
-go with your gut.  You already know something is wrong. 

2) "because of how evil she has been for the past few months".
-and now she's suddenly telling the truth? 

3) "She recently lost about 15 lbs", "obsession with appearance started a little over a year ago", "She has done a lot of cosmetic procedures", "dress what I would call a little more provocative"
-this started for me when my MLCer became limerant... 

4) "ILYBNILWY"
-of course.  Because you're in love with someone else.

5) "real bad stuff started about 3 months ago"
-beginning of replay when EA/PA escalates?

6) "She recently blocked her location on her cell phone"
-this needs no explanation

7) "sitting next to me at the table, take a picture of her drink and text the OM"
-really?

Key, if PA is a deal breaker.  I agree.  Confirm if this happening or not, so you can figure out if it makes sense to stand, or not.  I 100% did the same thing.  But you have to be smart/strategic about it or you wont get the answers you need and will drive yourself insane.   

[Keyser77]

I understand what everyone is saying.  Honestly - I reread everything that I wrote and understand why you all feel the way you do.  I appreciate everyone's input.  My head keeps spinning.  Her explanations all made sense are were logical to me.  Maybe its because I WANT them to be the truth.  It's entirely possible she is telling the truth.  However, according to everything that I read a PA is going on.  There doesn't seem to be a lot of exceptions to the rule. 

[Songanddance]

MLCer's cannot distinguish truth from fiction from a downright lie.  What ever suits them in that moment.

They also gaslight by tactically twisting things so that  you apologise for the questions or your behaviour.   What does it matter what her "well meaning friends" say.   They don't have the full picture, they don't have your shared history and equally friends are easily manipulated by a clever MCLer who knows how to play the victim.

So there might not be a PA but her behaviour prior to BD the ILYBINILWY certainly indicates a real midlife transition.

Remember limerance in the early days of any kind of affair is very very powerful and the MLCer is in la la denial land.

If there is a PA - you will know - you just don't know when you will know.  And so in the meantime - leave her to it and focus on what is important for you and the children - she certainly won't be.