[marvin4242]

I understand what everyone is saying.  Honestly - I reread everything that I wrote and understand why you all feel the way you do.  I appreciate everyone's input.  My head keeps spinning.  Her explanations all made sense are were logical to me.  Maybe its because I WANT them to be the truth.  It's entirely possible she is telling the truth.  However, according to everything that I read a PA is going on.  There doesn't seem to be a lot of exceptions to the rule.

I will just add the following: my wife who had NEVER lied before would say things that were completely opposite of what I could see in front of me, and she absolutely believed what she said. You can imagine how confusing this was as you were experiencing it. So you have to detach and stop trying to listen to facts and arguments, because someone who "believes" what they are saying is very convincing.

I also remember the first time she actively lied, it was shocking in that the lie was so obviously transparent yet she delivered it with complete confidence and as if her explanation made sense.

My suggestion is stop trying to analyze and make sense and "read between the lines." As Treasur, Why, SD and others are saying stop listening, start listening to your gut and stop trying to "make it ok." Because as much as it may slightly reduce your pain now it will only amplify it manifold later.

Sorry you are here and this is not easy. But listen to yourself, trust yourself, decide what your boundaries and limits are.

[Keyser77]

I understand that no matter what her response or if there is PA going on or not that I need to continue my path, detach and take care of myself and my daughters the best way I can.  Patience isn't one of my strong suits.  I have looked into the coaching and also looked into working with Michele Weiner-Davis.  It's expensive but if it were to work, it would be money well spent.  Has anyone had experience with either?  I know traditional marriage counseling will not work.  I am willing to do anything to shorted the life cycle of the MLC that W is going through

[Treasur]

In the middle of all this confusion, we old hands who have the benefit of hindsight see that there are some simple truths hidden underneath which pop up over and over in lots of stories from lots of different people.

‘My head keeps spinning’ is one of them.
Unless you are seriously cognitively impaired for some other reason, this is one of the most obvious signs that you are probably being gaslit.
Why? Bc it shows that some bit of you can’t accept what feels like a lie or an omission of truth or a distraction intended to manipulate. You only spin bc it doesn’t entirely feel like it makes sense. Consider, for instance, how many other times in your life you have felt like your head is spinning? Very few, I’d guess (and hope). Even when people have lied to you in the past about other things. That head spinning feeling imho is a symptom of gaslighting…it stops when you value your judgement and gut instinct over someone else’s words.

And no, there is no evidence to suggest that any kind of coaching, counselling or action on your part will ‘speed up’ your wife’s path. It can help you navigate and survive it better. It can help you avoid doing things that make a bad thing worse. But you are still believing that this is about you or something you can control….and unless you are God or a secret neuroscientist surgeon who has been experimenting on your wife’s brain during the night, that is very unlikely.

So, maybe you need to go back to basics, re-read what MLC is and is not and then keep telling yourself ‘I did not cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t fix it bc it isn’t about me no matter what she says’ and repeat until you are bored of repeating it 

[Reinventing]

Here's one of the conundrums we live through with all of this.

Someone (MLCer) has an affair, which is lying in and of itself. Then the spouse asks a liar if they are having an affair. The MLCer, who is already lying by having the affair has every reason to keep the spouse in the dark about the affair.

I found that I did all kinds of gymnastics to not believe there was an affair after I saw him in another state with OW, where OW lived. In my defense, this was 10 weeks after BD. I convinced myself for a little while that he was just staying at her house and using it as a hotel to visit other people.

I am kind to myself for this step out of reality now. My brain was trying to protect myself from the intense pain I was about to feel, and did feel. However, shortly after that I tried my best to stay in reality and build coping skills and a support system to survive it.

Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself the best you can, you are going through hell. It will eventually get better.

[UrsaMajor]

I am willing to do anything to shorted the life cycle of the MLC that W is going through

I am going to put this as plainly and simply as possible....

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO SPEED UP HER CRISIS

You could stand on your head, wiggle your feet, and sing the Ave Maria and it will not make ONE bit of difference... Why? Because this is NOT your crisis. It is HER crisis and SHE has to go through it. That is going to take however long it takes. Some anecdotal evidence suggests that the LBS can help to EXTEND the duration of crisis by their behaviours (basically enabling and assisting them by intercepting the consequences of their actions so that the Mid-Lifer feels no consequences)  but, the general school of thought is that you have about as much influence on her crisis with your behaviour as you would  on the path of an oncoming tornado by standing outside, waving your arms and yelling at it..... with comparable results...

Another rule of thumb....
How do you know when a Mid-Lifer is lying to you?
Their lips are moving and sound is coming out.

Their "truth"is completely relative to the image they wish to project, to the situation that they find themselves in and the the potential consequences of their actions. If the consequences are severe, they will lie through their teeth to avoid responsibility for their actions... The hardest part is that they actually believe their lies. I remember a story my MLCxW concocted about why she was out until 05:30 in the morning that, the longer she went on, the less plausible the story became. By the end of the story, I was just nodding and muttering things like "Oh, you poor thing" and "that sounds really horrible" because the male bovine excrement was SO deep that she was up to her nostrils in it.... But SHE believed it 100%.... She had revised the history of it and had included some elements of the real truth in order to make it more believable.

[KayDee]

I am willing to do anything to shorted the life cycle of the MLC that W is going through

A simple observation. This statement above, is you trying to fix things. And when any of us tries to fix something for someone else, it denies that person the life experience needed to 'fix' or heal themselves. Thus, to learn various lessons that are so valuable for future resilience. This, in and of itself, can hinder the MLC process.

[KayDee]

I speak as a former fixer   

[Songanddance]

I am going to put this as plainly and simply as possible....

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO SPEED UP HER CRISIS

ABSO...Fri******..... lutely!

Nothing will speed or provide a shortcut.  This is her crisis - not yours together. You cannot fix and neither can you "help".

If I'm honest - counselling or paying for a marriage therapist will not work either.  Not because they're not any good but they can only advise based on what the MLCer or you are telling them.   
Imagine - you get your MLCer to a marriage therapist who is purportedly excellent at healing broken marriages... You're in the room and your T asks - "so MLCer what do you want from this relationship" and the MLCer replies with something like " Oh I love my partner but he/she keeps doing this and doing that and so I don't think he/she is the right person for me' he/she is broken and won't do anything to fix our relationship...."
What would be your response? 
" That's not true" by any chance?

What can the T do to help - absolutely nothing because the MLCer is in absolute denial and as the previous posts have pointed out they become skilled liars who tell the lies so often that it becomes their truth.

Sorry - there are NO shortcuts, there are no quick fixes and there are no easier routes to navigate.

Time is the only solace you have; time for you to detach, heal and become whole yourself so that when the time is ready and assuming your MLCer returns - they will return broken and if you want to help - you must be healed yourself.

[Treasur]

I am willing to do anything to shorted the life cycle of the MLC that W is going through

A simple observation. This statement above, is you trying to fix things. And when any of us tries to fix something for someone else, it denies that person the life experience needed to 'fix' or heal themselves. Thus, to learn various lessons that are so valuable for future resilience. This, in and of itself, can hinder the MLC process.

Amen to this.
Plus tbh, if we are robustly honest with ourselves, our fixing desires are not always as entirely altruistic as we might paint them. It’s a bit more complicated than that when the effects of a problem affect our own lives significantly, isn’t it? It’s understandable that we have our own agenda….not always helpful but understandable.

Imho one of the benefits of laying down one’s fixing impulses wrt to other people tends to make it easier to focus our energy on fixing our own lives a little more. Your desire to ‘speed up’ her crisis will have some stuff in the mix which is more about how you do or don’t want to live your own life or minimise the damage you are experiencing bc of it. Sometimes accepting what one CAN’T fix, difficult as that is, forces us to act on what we CAN fix from what is left. What do you think that could be? How might you do that if you stop believing that you can have any influence at all on your wife’s approach to her crisis?

[Helpnewc]

Yep. Agree.

The powerlessness is hard to accept but the truth.

Find your peace. Accept you can only manage your emotions and get that cortisol under control.

And love those kids. A lot.