[Helpnewc]

Hi Keyser,

I don’t think there are any rules in midlife club unlike fight club.

I have learned there is nothing rational going on. They lurch from place to place.

Trying to rationalise it and understand it will do your head in. It is like asking a hurricane which way it will go next.

It is like going out and yelling at a storm to settle down. Go inside. Batten down the hatches and ride it out.

I am in month 16. When I was where you are I was doing the same as you. Trying to rationalise it.

There ain’t anything rational going on.

[Keyser77]

So a day or two of acting normal is something that is common and W saying she want things to work out in the middle of a MLC is pretty common?  I know she isn't on the other side of yet and there has been a lot of damage caused by all of this.  But I didn't know it was normal for a MLC to revert back to normal for a few days.   

[Songanddance]

So a day or two of acting normal is something that is common and W saying she want things to work out in the middle of a MLC is pretty common?

Yes - because it's MLC. Every single thing in their brain and emotions is transient.  Within weeks of my H starting his affair he was fixing things around the house as usual and moaning about OW being difficult - the way he would moan to me about a customer being difficult. It was bizarre.

But we all learn that nothing about MLC is normal - nothing.  Everything they say or do is impulsive, reactionary, and transient.

[FrenchHusband]

So a day or two of acting normal is something that is common and W saying she want things to work out in the middle of a MLC is pretty common?  I know she isn't on the other side of yet and there has been a lot of damage caused by all of this.  But I didn't know it was normal for a MLC to revert back to normal for a few days.

Yes nothing is normal. I have seen also a cycling with UPs and DOWNs. Now I have become an expert in seeing when she is down and up, so I can adapt the discussions I can start (or not). In the first months, the cycling is very high and crazy (that is why we speak about rollercoaster I guess). When there is an Alienator, in the first months the UPs and DOWNs can be linked to the Affair, so you may misinterpret the signals.

[Keyser77]

I'm not going to lie - it was a little encouraging how she has been acting for the past couple of days.  I'm not saying its been all arms around me shouting I love you from the roof top.  Its just a little less of the coldness.  She even kissed me before she left today which she hasn't done in weeks.  She still blames me everything, she still thinks this is all my fault, she still things I have been a terrible husband for 20 years, etc.  None of that has went away.  But it was looking like a corner was turned.  I will continue to GAL and detach.  Honestly, I was doing a very good job of it so I was thinking it was working.  It obviously had an effect but I'm sure I didn't turn her around this quick.

[Treasur]

Think of it as the difference between weather and climate perhaps…..?

[Baxter1]

K-
We’ve all been the worst spouse in history, as for the cycling we’ve got that going on too. I got a text with a picture of a deer in the backyard. I answered the text and got no responses to that or any texts for the rest of the day. When I got home it was icicle city. At least in my experience the first month or two was pure hell, I have never seen  her (or anyone else for that matter) be so angry. It’s been a couple of months and it’s getting a little better, it’s a long road though.

[Keyser77]

K-
We’ve all been the worst spouse in history, as for the cycling we’ve got that going on too. I got a text with a picture of a deer in the backyard. I answered the text and got no responses to that or any texts for the rest of the day. When I got home it was icicle city. At least in my experience the first month or two was pure hell, I have never seen  her (or anyone else for that matter) be so angry. It’s been a couple of months and it’s getting a little better, it’s a long road though.

Baxter - there are a lot of similarities in our stories .  Ive read your posts.  You are a little further along then I am. 

My W has been better since Saturday night then she had been in weeks.  I am just waiting for the alien to appear.  Things aren't great but better.  The new thing she is telling me is that she can't open up the door to her heart because I've hurt her so many times in the past.  In someway there is some truth to that.  I still think that if she had another/better option, she would probably have left by now.  I don't know why she is sticking around when she isn't in love with me anymore.  She has too many of the MLC signs to not be in a MLC but maybe she is a walk away wife??  I don't know.  I'm still detaching and taking it minute by minute, second by second.

[FrenchHusband]

Baxter - there are a lot of similarities in our stories .  Ive read your posts.  You are a little further along then I am. 

My W has been better since Saturday night then she had been in weeks.  I am just waiting for the alien to appear.  Things aren't great but better.  The new thing she is telling me is that she can't open up the door to her heart because I've hurt her so many times in the past.  In someway there is some truth to that.  I still think that if she had another/better option, she would probably have left by now.  I don't know why she is sticking around when she isn't in love with me anymore.  She has too many of the MLC signs to not be in a MLC but maybe she is a walk away wife??  I don't know.  I'm still detaching and taking it minute by minute, second by second.

Hi Keyser, there is a lot of similarities with my story also even if am also a bit ahead B1. His W is "high energy" and mine is "low energy" so maybe he will catch up ? Anyway the first months are crazy and I guess it is too early to draw conclusions. Even 6 months post BD W was preparing escape paths to leave our house, and I am still not sure she will stay home in the next months. I was also very shocked when my W told me she can not trust me anymore, now I understand why she has said that (linked mainly to her childhood wounds and to something I did 7 years ago).
Again, the best thing you have to do is focus on yourself, grow and detach.

[Keyser77]

Its been typical of what everyone described.  Sunday night we slept in the same bad, she grabbed my hand in the middle of the night.  Since then, things have cooled a bit.  Not being mean or angry towards me but more distant.  Not really talking unless its about kids.  She is doing her thing, I'm doing my thing.  She had a work function tonight so me and the kids went out to dinner and rode some rides on the boardwalk.  Tomorrow afternoon she taking the kids and two of their friends to the water park.  I didnt know they were going until later and she said she didn't ask me to go because she thought I had to work.  I am self employed and dont have to work.  So then she text me as ask me if I'm going tomorrow.  She didn't ask if I WANTED to go.  I just told her I would pass and left it at that.  One small step forward and three steps backwards.  Sometimes I wonder if its an MLC but then I read all of the signs of a MLC and she hits almost all of the points.