[Helpingme!]

Hello my LBS friends.

It's been awhile since I've posted an update.

Someone will have to link the new thread to the old one, idk if I'm even starting a new thread right. Ha

It's been almost 7 years I think.

Most all my madness started in 2016.

I left the site about 3 years ago to go work on me. Nothing against this site, it was a life saver for me, and the amazing people that are here. I just needed to get away.

My W is way better than she was 3 years ago.  Shes still getting better.

There was a never a light switch moment and I dont think there ever will be. It's just a long process and it slowly comes.

She is a live in and shes never left, neither did I.

Things are really good with us, are they as good as before??
To me, that really doesn't matter anymore. It used to drive me crazy wanting my old marriage back, my old W back. But I've realized what matters is the new one. Its steadily getting better and better. I stopped looking for change everyday and just went back to life. After months and years, I can see the change, it's better for me to compare back by years, ha. Way more peaceful.



I just wanted to update and let the forum know that things are good. I will update more.

Have a wonderful day my friends.

Previous threads: 

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10948.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10415.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10288.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10165.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9797.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9472.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9400.0

[Thunder]

Helping that is so good to hear!

It's funny how sometimes it just happens that way.

Where some have a harder landing.

I hope things just get better and better for you. 

[9393roo]

Help!  So good to hear from another 7 + year friend.  We sound very much like we are in the same boat….rowing VERY slowly forward.  So glad the absolute insanity has ended, here as well. 

There was a never a light switch moment and I dont think there ever will be. It's just a long process and it slowly comes.

This is exactly me as well.  I’ve heard that it takes just as long to fully come out of MLC as it does going in and going through replay.   I think I could measure my progress in years as well sometimes the changes are hard to see. 

So glad you are moving forward and continuing to work on yourself.  After all, that is really the only thing we have control over. 

Thanks for sharing, it is really good to hear from you!

Roo

[xyzcf]

Hello Helpingme.

Thank you so much for coming back and sharing your story.

I have attached the addresses for your previous threads from most current down to your opening message. Sometimes posters ask to read stories of members whose marriages have reconciled, and there is a great deal of wisdom that has been written on your threads by yourself and others.

My W is way better than she was 3 years ago.  Shes still getting better.

There was a never a light switch moment and I dont think there ever will be. It's just a long process and it slowly comes.

She is a live in and shes never left, neither did I.

Things are really good with us, are they as good as before??
To me, that really doesn't matter anymore. It used to drive me crazy wanting my old marriage back, my old W back. But I've realized what matters is the new one

Each person's story on HS is unique. The outcomes are very different from reconciliation to never having any contact for years after and many in between relationships.

I often find that there is a lot of "advice" given to decrease contact as much as possible, to live separately, but in your story and others, reconciliation has occurred even though the MLCer never left the home.

The LBSer has to be able to heal and we must find a life that is one that satisfies us...whether or not our marriages survive this.

As you have said, she is still getting better and it has been years.To have the patience and willingness to wait years is another thing we each must face. For some, the cost is too high.

I do think though, that you gave her the chance to go through her crisis and had a willingness and openess to enter into a new relationship with her.

I am not saying that anything you did got her through her crisis. That is their journey as we have ours as well.

Your insights are valuable and I really appreciate your sharing them here with us.

Please continue to share when you can. It is great to see your name back on the site.

[Treasur]

I often find that there is a lot of "advice" given to decrease contact as much as possible, to live separately, but in your story and others, reconciliation has occurred even though the MLCer never left the home.

The LBSer has to be able to heal and we must find a life that is one that satisfies us...whether or not our marriages survive this.

As you have said, she is still getting better and it has been years.To have the patience and willingness to wait years is another thing we each must face. For some, the cost is too high.

I do think though, that you gave her the chance to go through her crisis and had a willingness and openess to enter into a new relationship with her.

It would be really interesting, Helping, to hear your perspective on some of the points xyzcf makes. Particularly bc we have a few folks posting as newbies with live in spouses….or at least more accurately perhaps one’s that have not moved out as yet.
How did you detach yourself emotionally while living under the same roof?
What is your pov about how much/how little/what type of contact you had with her in the first couple of years?
How did you deal with either her silence or her anger towards you, assuming these things happened in your situation?
How did you manage the practical stuff of day to day life with two young adult kids when your wife was very MLCish?
What, if anything, with the gift of hindsight, do you wish you had done more/less/sooner/differently in living with a live in MLCer?

There are lots of different experiences here, xyzcf is quite right.
One of the blessings of this forum imho.
But it’s also true that it’s natural to look for guidance from folks who have walked a path that looks a bit more like our own.

[FrenchHusband]

Hi HM!, so good to read you here and to know you have made progresses and your situation is improving.

I often find that there is a lot of "advice" given to decrease contact as much as possible, to live separately, but in your story and others, reconciliation has occurred even though the MLCer never left the home.

The LBSer has to be able to heal and we must find a life that is one that satisfies us...whether or not our marriages survive this.

As you have said, she is still getting better and it has been years.To have the patience and willingness to wait years is another thing we each must face. For some, the cost is too high.

I do think though, that you gave her the chance to go through her crisis and had a willingness and openess to enter into a new relationship with her.

It would be really interesting, Helping, to hear your perspective on some of the points xyzcf makes. Particularly bc we have a few folks posting as newbies with live in spouses….or at least more accurately perhaps one’s that have not moved out as yet.
How did you detach yourself emotionally while living under the same roof?
What is your pov about how much/how little/what type of contact you had with her in the first couple of years?
How did you deal with either her silence or her anger towards you, assuming these things happened in your situation?
How did you manage the practical stuff of day to day life with two young adult kids when your wife was very MLCish?
What, if anything, with the gift of hindsight, do you wish you had done more/less/sooner/differently in living with a live in MLCer?

There are lots of different experiences here, xyzcf is quite right.
One of the blessings of this forum imho.
But it’s also true that it’s natural to look for guidance from folks who have walked a path that looks a bit more like our own.

Yes, as a newbie with at home wife, that would help me a lot to read about your path in the last three years. +1 with Treasur and xyzcf !

[Helpingme!]

Hello
Thunder,XYZ,Treasur, and FH

Roo, so glad to hear things are going good.
Steady as you go.



First, I really want to think I wouldn't have done anything any different , I may not be where I am today.

But, honestly if I could have detached sooner. Just let her be and ne bo on with my life, I would have.
I would have saved me alot ot pain and mental torture.

I wouldn't have snooped as much or at all, most definitely would be less scars on my brain. What you dont know doesn't hurt you,  I believe that now.

Try to go ahead and assume there is an affair.  EA or PA. Even if it doesn't happen, they thought about it.
The PA my wife had truly means nothing to me. JMO, folks, at first it destroyed me, but once I learned how meaningless it was with all my info I found out later, I felt sorry for her a little bit.

The hateful things she said about our marriage and my skills as a dad is what truly hurt me. She has mentioned enough to me that all of that was lies. So that does help.

So basically get a life sooner and drop the rope and walk away.


Living in the same house was hard. Now having older kids helped. They were gone alot like teenagers do.

I really had to change my schedule. Work later,  leave earlier. Just try not to be in the same spot at the same time. Went to the gym, alot. Basically just a gettaway alot whenever I needed it.
Say I had to go back in to work, but I really didnt.

I would go sit on the lease in the woods and relax.


I did all my own things. Groceries, stuff for the house, you name it.

We would meet on an isle in WalMart, ha. I would just say hey, what's up and keep going. Lots of double things in the house.
I had to just quit asking anything. Made my own appointments, Dr. , Dentist , etc. 


It was a game at first say the first 2 years. I was not on my feet. I did the wrong things many times. Too many questions, to many relationship talks, to much snooping.  Way to much trying to be a H to W that hurting , but she didnt want my help. I made it worse imo.


After that,  I would not say anything.  I would wait on questions. Wait on the monster. Yep, I would answer with the good ole,  I hate you feel that way.  I'm sorry you feel that way.   
If it got worse, well I just hopped in the truck and left.

She had her bath time/get ready for bed and I would go around her, usually way later.

For the longest she shut and locked doors, so I was used to that anyway.
We stayed in the same bed mostly. Weekends I would stay in son's room if they were gone.

It was literally a King Bed broke into  2 beds. Huge stack of pillows dividing the bed. Head to toe. 

She monstered and snapped al the time, I just ignored it. Or , I would go outside. Just stayed away from her.
Once i finally was able to do this, she started to quit. It's like she fed off of me. If she could stir me up, she loved it.

The last 3 years, now here near as hard as the first 3. We share the house just like normal imo. It was slowly getting better to where we are now.

No more hiding. No locked doors. Calls and text like normal , what do need from town?  Do you need anything?  What do want for supper?  It's all coming back.

It takes lots of patience. Lots of space, for us and the MLCer.
I had tons of breakdowns, just not in front of her. I wanted her to think I was good either way.

I hope this answered some of the questions.  If not ask again.

I tend to ramble and take a whole page to explain a 3 word answer.


Have a wonderful day my friends

[WHY]

So much of this resonates with me.  Thank you for posting this. 

6 years…….  Just.  How?

Read up about narcissistic supply and not feeding the monster.  So much makes sense to me now.  I saw RCR mention it.  I’m bummed I never saw it earlier. 

[Helpingme!]

Hello Why

Actually 7. Sorry for the confusion. 
But some of the middle was like living the same day over and over again.

No change whatsoever.  I made lots of post early on, saying, well it's about the same as it was yesterday. Yep, I was too my friend. The same.

Just have to stop looking.  Find your peace. One day you will wake up and things will seem a little better.  You look back, and it's been 4 months or 6 months. You smile, and just keep going.

No need to change. Just keep going, the MLCer will catch up to you. By that time you will both be in a good spot.
Forgive, find peace. Try to forget.(I'm not there yet, easier said than done) and keep going forward

[Treasur]

No need to apologise for the number of words,:Helping.
I bet lots of them are going to be really helpful to some other folks here.
Thank you