[Thunder]

Helping what a wonderful, helpful post!  Thanks for taking the time.

It's so very hard when you first find yourself in this situation.  You are in utter shock, terribly confused and feel panicked and helpless.  We've all been there!

No matter what you read, or what people tell you, it's hard to grasp that you need to let your MLCer alone, it feels so wrong.

It takes time and patience and lots of mistakes to get to the point you got to.
You finally learn, you have absolutely no control over your MLCer,  Nothing you say or do will change the journey they are on.
You are now on your own journey.

Anyway I hope this helps a lot of newbies reading this.  I've book marked it!   
Thank you again for taking the time to write these wise words.

Hugs

[MadLuv]

That was incredibly helpful to those with an in home MLCer. I had one for 7 years, but due to the death of our daughter I didn’t know it.  If it weren’t for that I would have been on line trying to figure out what was happening and would have found this sight so much sooner. I think also you point of making many mistakes the first couple years is helpful to those struggling to get their footing. Sometimes even when you get the advise you can’t help but make those mistakes when in trauma.

Great post!!!

[WHY]

Im really curious how you handled things with the kids.  My wallower is still very much engaged with the kids thank god.  She's an excellent mom.  It's her only tether to this earth I think.  However, my kids are young, and she sort of has the monopoly on time with them (SAHM, manages all their activities etc).

As LBS, we drop the rope, step back, live as if, and GAL.  Which means we barely see our MLCer.  But I feel myself being isolated more and more from the kids, as a self preservation/survival thing (as I dont want to be around W). 

To be clear, it's not her isolating me (well sometimes, it does happen quite a bit).  However, its more myself, me isolating myself, because spending time with her and the kids is not fun at all.  I do try do stuff with the kids on weekend solo, but 95%+ of the time, she's in the picture. 

I dont know if it's selfish, but given the choice of a BBQ at friends with W and kids on a weekend, I'd rather be doing something else and not be with them.  Because seeing her wear the mask and walk around and laugh and have a good time like nothing is wrong, sends me into a spin.  I've tried to manage these feelings, but cant shake it.

I guess the bottom line is that I feel guilt from dropping the rope and it affecting my time with the kids, because Im putting on my own oxygen mask first and dont want to be around W when she has the kids (which is 95% of the time). 

How did you manage this?

[Helpingme!]

Thank You Madluv and Thunder.

Why

My kids were teens at first.

Oldest, well he was grown. He knew something was up, but he carried on.

Youngest, he knew something was up too. He through a few darts at her, it stung her pretty good.


Ask her why she was so mean to me?

Questioned her working out and running like a mad woman.

But she stayed a good mom mostly towards them the whole time. More like a big sister. Catered  to everything they wanted and acted just like there female friends. She loved being around them.

If they were younger?? Well it would most definitely been harder.

I would say try and find more things to do with your kids. Take them places. Just go.  If she wants to go?? Well let her go. I wouldn't ask her though.

I told mine many times, your welcome to go anywhere I go. I left it at that.

I coached both of my sons in HS, so i stayed busy with them during the week. Weekends, they did what most all other teens do, they were in the road somewhere.


And yes, they both knew something had changed, but they never questioned me. I never said a word to them about it. They both were very close to me, so that did help.


As for the bbq,  well i had that quiet often. Her BIL would call every weekend. We went alot.  It was a gettaway for me too, she stayed with women doing the women thing, I stayed away.

BIL knew something was up too, W had mentioned things to him, but only the lies and he knew was hogwash . I think he was trying to help, but he just didnt have a clue.

As for watching her be the fake lady???  Well that was an everyday thing almost.

Ball games, church, bday parties, Christmas, bbq,  yep. But you just have to let that go. It's hard. I can say it all day on what you need to do. But it's not easy.

It took me awhile to get past that also.

If you want a break, dont go.
Say you have other plans.  I played the happy family. I never told anyone about her A or any of it. So if I would have missed any stuff, oh the gossip hacks would have went to rolling.
If you dont want questions ask or your keeping her mess a secret??? I would go and suck it up. Get your game face on and battle through. 


If people know and your not hiding it?

Dont go . Go do your own thing. Do it with the kids too.
Let her have all the time she wants.

At first I was worried about going because I was thinking she cd run off with OM. Well once I knew that whole story?? They can meet anytime. Could be a trip to walmart or the grocery store. So I finally was able to take that also.
She couldn't hurt me anymore, she had already done it. If she want to go be in misery with her miserable OM , oh well.

I also took all the house duties on. Kept me busy. Wash clothes, floors, dust, dishes, you name it, I did it.

Try and find things to do after work with kids.
Simple as go shopping. Go eat.

Go play in the yard. Anything. Just try and stay busy.


Whatever you do. Please dont distance yourself from your kids. Dont let her win that battle.

I wish I had more advice my friend with young kids.

Mine were teen boys that had my back the whole time.

It's a little more difficult with your situation. 


Hope that helped some.

[Baxter1]

Helping-
Why shared your story with me, I’m only 6 months in but I’m definitely taking notes from your journey.
I have 2 teen boys at the house and I’m just finding out about an A. She’s still at home and I’m trying my hardest to keep it that way. Thank you for sharing your story!

[FrenchHusband]

Im really curious how you handled things with the kids.  My wallower is still very much engaged with the kids thank god.  She's an excellent mom.  It's her only tether to this earth I think.  However, my kids are young, and she sort of has the monopoly on time with them (SAHM, manages all their activities etc).

As LBS, we drop the rope, step back, live as if, and GAL.  Which means we barely see our MLCer.  But I feel myself being isolated more and more from the kids, as a self preservation/survival thing (as I dont want to be around W). 

To be clear, it's not her isolating me (well sometimes, it does happen quite a bit).  However, its more myself, me isolating myself, because spending time with her and the kids is not fun at all.  I do try do stuff with the kids on weekend solo, but 95%+ of the time, she's in the picture. 

I dont know if it's selfish, but given the choice of a BBQ at friends with W and kids on a weekend, I'd rather be doing something else and not be with them.  Because seeing her wear the mask and walk around and laugh and have a good time like nothing is wrong, sends me into a spin.  I've tried to manage these feelings, but cant shake it.

I guess the bottom line is that I feel guilt from dropping the rope and it affecting my time with the kids, because Im putting on my own oxygen mask first and dont want to be around W when she has the kids (which is 95% of the time). 

How did you manage this?

It is strange : I have also an at-home wife in MLC, and the situation seems reverse to me. I am more connected to the children than W, and often I feel that she is flying from them. Around BD she had completely abandoned our children, even when she was with them she seemed far away. Then she reconnected and she is progressively taking more good moments with them. And I see also that she is better and more talking to the children when I am not here. So I make sure she can have special moments with children without me.
Evening meals are good moments in family, and W is more and more participating.
Yesterday, I went home late and (unusually) there was no common meal : W ate with S5, I ate alone, then D16 and D14 ate together. During this last meal I made the papers for D14's school, and I heard good talk in the kitchen : W sat also around the table and drought a tea, talking well with children. So when I finished the papers, I joined also the joyful moment... and W went silent... then she left the table. Means for me (after car incident) she is rereconnecting with children, but she is not ready to reconnect with me. Next time I hear W talking with kids, I won't join them. Time with children is 50% me with children - 30% W with children, and 20% W + Me with children.

Regarding the BBQ, I am the one who initiated these, I invited many people in our home since BD. W was very tense at the beginning, now this is progressively better, often there are glimpes of preBD W. For me it means good moments together in family, so I want to continue. Is W wearing a mask of fake lady ? I don't know. Anyway it does not hurt me to hear her laugh and see her smiling. And I see also that W is participating more and more to the preparation of these good moments (around BD it was 0%). Now it is around 45% (me 45% and 10% the children) : that is not fake.
In June W invited 2 friends (common friend, more close to W) at our home. She did not ask, she did it, and I participated gladly. I hope it happens again even if, in an ideal world, I would like to have the information sooner.

For me this "play happy family" is not a play. I don't expect our family to become perfect before organizing good moments together. It's the same with teenagers : even if sometimes they are down or in crisis, I find important to keep things as normal as possible. GAL means also for me Get a Family Life.

[xyzcf]

My daughter was an adult (sort of) when this happened and was away at college. Never the less, it impacted her greatly.

Because we all lived in different countries, and he did not make an effort to see her very often, it was difficult trying to figure out what was best for all of us as a "family".

I am a stander so that influenced my decision of how I would proceed.

I placed our familiy's needs first. He was and is included in holidays and times when our daughter visits. We go on vacation with her and her husband as that allows us to spend time with them as we don't live near her.

My daughter and I have talked about this and she recognizes that is is hard for me....not so much anymore, but in the early years. She also expresses how grateful she is that we are able to have some family time together. And it is actually so "normal" that my SIL has expressed to me how he cannot understand this at all... because "we" seem to bounce off one another, tease one another and generally like each other. ...join the club.

I don't think of it as "playing happy family". Although I did not share our story with many people, my family and close friends have been my support throughout.

I had to work hard to heal, to find peace and especially to feel joy in my life. The PTSD impacted me but once I understood what was happening to me, with the help of an amazing therapist, I was able to leave behind "those" years.

Each person will examine their own life, and the acceptance of their spouse or not. I totally see MLC as something that was inevitable and nothing to do with me or our marriage, nothing I could have changed even if I knew this was going to happen. His actions and behaviour have been "abnormal" and perhaps having this contact allows me to see that...his mask slips sometimes.

I don't ask him for any help what so ever from him but he's quite happy to allow me to take him for some medical procedures and be with him recently during two surgeries and his recovery.

The bottom line is that this feels right for me. Not everyone will want or allow this type of relationship.....and it takes a great deal of contemplation...as I have said several times..on of the most important things my therapist said to me when I was debating back and forth about having this type of contact, she said,you can change your mind any time you want. Nothing has to be set in stone. See him if you wish, don't see him at another time if that is your preference.

I found this very freeing.

To date, I see him. It's his call...I don't initiate but I don't turn him away either.

My 2 cents worth.

[WHY]

You know we all talk about recovered MLCers.  And I suspect most here would define recovered as "remorsed and reconciled".

But, is it possible for them to be recovered and be living their dream life, assuming it works out for them?  Like, "yes I had FOO issues, yes Ive dealt with them, yes I feel bad about what I did to my family, but I'm now happy and living my dream life, this is just how things worked out".  Would this be recovered too?

What does recovered actually mean?

[Nas]

You know we all talk about recovered MLCers.  And I suspect most here would define recovered as "remorsed and reconciled".

But, is it possible for them to be recovered and be living their dream life, assuming it works out for them?  Like, "yes I had FOO issues, yes Ive dealt with them, yes I feel bad about what I did to my family, but I'm now happy and living my dream life, this is just how things worked out".  Would this be recovered too?

What does recovered actually mean?

I think if a person does the work, identifies the underlying issues, addresses those underlying issues, stops looking for “happiness“ outside of themselves, is self-aware enough to admit and make amends for the wrong they’ve done, that does not preclude them continuing on with the life they started living in the midst of crisis. I hated admitting that early on, but as we always say, the end of the Crisis is not equated with a return to the marriage.

I used to say in the very early days after BD that I believed that there could never be a true “recovery” without a sincere amends being made for the way they chose to go about leaving. So for instance, a vanisher could remain wherever they vanished to, but they would at least reach out to try to right some of the wrongs. I think for the most part I still believe that if they have done the work, they would want to at least tell the people they left behind how sorry they are for the way they went about things. At a bare minimum.

I don’t “need” his apology because it won’t change anything for me, but I will admit that on some level it would still be nice to witness true remorse.  But also, if he were to somehow develop the self-awareness and empathy and everything else he would need in order to understand the damage caused and feel true remorse, that still would not in any way mean a desire to resume our relationship. What he did was not a marriage issue. Reconciling what he did for himself would also not be a marriage issue. That part was something I didn’t want to really think about in the first year, but once I really understood that that was the case, it helped me tremendously. The MLCer’s recovery is just that: theirs. It’s an individual recovery, not a recovery of the marriage. There is no guarantee that they will want to go back to the marriage (and in some cases, even if they do, the LBS doesn’t want that.)

Edit: if memory serves, I think there may be a discussion thread on this topic actually.

[Helpingme!]

Baxter

Dont try too hard, you may push her to leave.

They are going to do, what they want. Use what we are trying as the reason they did it.


FH and Why

No MLCer is the same, some treat the kids good, some just drop being a parent altogether. 

What works for some will not work for others. My W would went crazy if I would have invited people over.

Either way it goes, I would stay close to my kids. Priority #1.

XYZ
I'm at peace with my situation and my W. If she walked up today and said I want D. Well, I think we would still talk, yes, I would still help her out if she ask, I really think I would.
There is not any more faking in our house. It's a real as it gets.  The playing happy family?? No need for that anymore.

NAS and Why

I dont know what a recovered MLCer is. JMO

I dont really care much for the reconciled either. Just me now.

I like the reconciling, let's just keep going and see how good it can be.

I dont ever care if I get any remorse from her. Most definitely dont need it said to me.
Words are cheap. Show me and keep on showing me.
I dont bring the past up, and if she can move forward and heal, I can too.

I know she feels it. I know she was hurting, I dont nèed or want her to explain it.

She has let little things out about things she said were not true.
She didnt mean that, etc.

Has she ever said she was sorry for the crisis, the affair,  nope.  Do I feel she is? Absolutely. 

So, I would be happy reconciling the rest of my life.


These are my opinions only and my little fruits bats mlc.

I understand and support how others feel and do( Unless I truly believe that's going to chase them misery) I will say something. 

Have a wonderful day my friends