[FrenchHusband]

Sorry about the awful conversation.  Hopefully things have had a chance to air out some since then, especially with your kids.

thank you FW for your comment, yes things are better at home (I didn't know "air out"). With S5 there has been no difficulty (he says at least everyday : I love you dad.... I love you mom  ). During few days the dinners were a bit strange : me talking only with S5, D16 and D14 talking only with S5, and W talking only with S5... and usually same topic was followed up. And, within a day, the relationship between me and the girls has come back to normal. The toolbox given here on THS is really good for handling teenagers in crisis : no expectations, short interactions, mirror the greetings. The reconnection is very smooth. Three different women parishers asked me for news from W and tell me she looks withdrawn and not well. I said nothing. S6 told me that mum does speak only with one mum, YM says W is not saying "hello" anymore to the other parents.
On the other hand, the baker and one other parisher who don't see W often tell me how W is a great person, how she is kind, balanced and devoted woman. I
say nothing else, I just validate what they say : I am glad they can remember W from 1,5 year ago.   

S5 is now S6, his birthday in family went well, now I am preparing the event with an other mum. W is informed and will likely join us ? Next comes D16's birthday then D14's.

[FrenchHusband]

I got it today : a letter from W's lawyer stating that we are "living as cohabitants since several months" and it is "more and more difficult for W, given that the break is definitive". W says, tells the lawyer, that "the MC has failed".
W "wishes that the separation can be done in an amicable way".
The lawyer wants to discuss with my lawyer the "separation modalities", and without answer from me she will be "compelled to engage a divorce procedure".

That letter does not bring any big emotion to me. I am just a bit sad for the children, especially S6.

[Treasur]

I am very sorry to hear that, FH.

[Biscuit]

Sorry about this news FH and doubly sorry it turned up in the impersonal form of a letter.

I know from your postings how strong you are for your kids and your family - but don't be too proud to give yourself a break and a little bit of slack today my friend, that's a tough thing to receive.

X

[forthetrees]

Numb is a fairly normal response to such news. May you grant yourself grace as you process this news.

[JohnnyBravo]

Sorry, FH. It's always tough to get it writing even if we were expecting it. It does at least give you tasks to focus on.

JB

[amazinglove]

I’m so sorry FH.  You deserve better

[FrenchHusband]

Sorry about this news FH and doubly sorry it turned up in the impersonal form of a letter.

I know from your postings how strong you are for your kids and your family - but don't be too proud to give yourself a break and a little bit of slack today my friend, that's a tough thing to receive.

X

A break  ? Yes I plan a nice break this Satturday : as the holidays begin and both the daughters go to their sport, I will go in amusement park with S6 and one of his best friend, and yes the little brother and their mom YM.

I forgot to mention that W's lawyer is giving to me an ultimatum : if I don't respond in 15 days, she will file for a Divorce. I don't fear divorce and I am ready for it now.

Sorry, FH. It's always tough to get it writing even if we were expecting it. It does at least give you tasks to focus on.

JB

Just a few words to clarify my options.

What W's lawyer is proposing is called "séparation de corps" in French, meaning "judicial separation" or "legal separation" I guess. That means our matrimonial status must be set in "property separation" instead of "community of property". It is already our matrimonial status actually, so no change.
With "séparation de corps", what will be the real change is that the spouses are not obliged to live together, they are still married and bound by the legal vows of fidelity and mutual assistance.


What is W seeking ?
I feel she is pushed by the fear and the strong will to escape. I know her crazy secret plan is to go in Switzerland, likely with OM (and for those who remember who is OM, this is pretty crazy).
So, she is now ready to abandon me and the children.
What is a bit strange for me is that she seems to forget that she is a private nurse, she owns a nurse's institute and she MUST find another nurse rebuying her institute and taking care of the patients. Not my monkeys, just a question mark for the record.
Another monkey, I am curious to see what she will tell to our numerous friends who continue to see us as a model couple.

What do I want ?
this separation agreement sucks a little. I will get all disadvantages from being divorced without being divorced : with this status I am bound to fidelity and can not marry someone else. From "Standing" or religious point of view, it is a bit better than divorce.

Let's see what is the real "amicable" proposal, but it is very likely me who will keep the children at home 100%. I am OK to take care of the children because I love to do that. I am sad for them : it is better to have both parents at home.
If W is fair, she will continue to give money to our family (alimony). This will be even more necessary as D17 will study in University in September. If not, I have to find other solutions.

On the other hand, we own real property together : 2 appartments (rented) and the house where we live (this one with big mortgage loan) 93% is fruit from our work, and (I am proud of it) owned 50% by me and 50% by W.
In order to get a divorce, we should first sell at least the appartments and me try to rebuy to W her shares from the house. That might take time and W has not this time.

So, what do I want ? I do not want a separation, I do not want a divorce. But I won't put myself in the railway of the crazy train, so I will LET GO. I will try to protect myself and the children, particularly from financial point of view. So I will use my tricky mind (shrewd as snake) to protect my family (as innocent as dove). Let's hope the crazyness of MLC and guilt of indelity may help as I read in some stories here.

I am currently considering selling our 2 appartments. It is a financial move that is worthy whatever the outcome of the marriage. I don't want a divorce and I don't want to delay an eventual divorce anymore.

I won't rush it. I will take time to consider from different POV my options in the next days before responding to the lawyer.

[Treasur]

Glad that you saw a lawyer and have such a clear perspective on the various options. Are there financial advantages for you in one option over another?

It sounds as if your wife, via her lawyer, is using the divorce option as a threat? So presumably your wife thinks this is your least preferred option and that she can get more of what she wants by threatening it? Is that true? And what does she want, as far as you can see?

I’d be tempted to keep an even closer eye on finances atm as your wife is obviously building up steam towards her escape, whatever that is, so she is likely to be even more focused on Me Me. And keep your distance emotionally from YM, my friend….think of it like a siren song to resist that kind of attention or affirmation…..this is not the time to add more complexity or other players into the situation that your family faces. If it is potentially something of substance, it can wait a few months at least until you and your kids are stood on more stable ground. If for no other reason than your kids deserve that stability and trustworthiness from you bc their mother is throwing a hand grenade into their lives that will irrevocably change a lot of things for them. And it is too early yet to predict accurately what that will look like in reality….so it is even more important that you represent the solid things of your family that will not change regardless of what your wife does bc that sense of solid ground under your mental feet matters a lot when life gets upended.

[KayDee]

I'm sorry FH. I know you were expecting something like this, but the cold, formal language of this process is still very cutting.

I love the analogy of snake and dove. It can be really hard though, to be our best tacticians when emotions are at play. I'm usually a great strategic thinker, but sometimes dealing with MLC has felt like punching my way out of mist. I know the MLC theory (if we can call it that?), that they have affairs, that they hurl around a lot of hurt, that they leave. For me, my H moving in with OW has been the nail in the coffin. Even though I know that it was utterly predicable and the relationship is ridiculous. Even though we could have looked it up in the MLC handbook etc. I guess what I am saying is, you will likely go through a range of new emotions and shifts in thinking if/when your W runs off to Switzerland (only in MLC Land could we be having this exchange). I think Treasur is right, your W is building up a head of steam. I wonder if you can take some time to consider what you might want if she is living with OM?

Of course, the whole thing is batpoo crazy. The OM is a dysfunctional predator, the escape is a pipe dream, it will all collapse like an avalanche, but can your compassion outlast the damage?  Intellectually I know my H's crisis is not about me, but his actions affect me, as your W's affect you and the kids. Wishing you strength FH.