[FrenchHusband]

Hell all, Here I go for a second thread ! Thank you so much to this community, for the great ressources and advices that are available here. It helps me a lot to read your words. Now I feel the need to change the title, that was previously surviving a MLC

Now I know that I will survive whatever the outcome. More than survive, I will live, eventually thrive. And, to copy Acorn's words, my life is not defined by MLCer, so the new title is consistent with what I want to do : focus more on myself. This is my journey, my life. So no reference anymore to MLC.

Then the opportunity word comes from my IC. The counselor asked me at the end of our first session "then this situation with your W is for you an opportunity ?". It took me a few seconds to answer, then I said yes. I never wanted this to happen, and I don't wish to anybody to become a member of this LBS club. But now that I am in, I choose to face the situation, to make it an opportunity for me.

I am now accompanied by an IC and a spiritual counselor. I want to deep dive in my childhood wounds in order to understand and overcome some of my "hurting patterns" that I could not amend by myself. I took many inputs from W as I value her point of view : W is the person who knows me best. I want also to deepen my inner life, since I do that I observe that I improve my relationships with others.

To make a summary, I had BD in January 2023, since then I am working on myself and after ~2 months I detached. Then from February to August I have seen a very slow and steady reconnection from W and a slow improvement of our relationship.
 
August 20th, I got a car incident when driving with our children. Nobody was hurt, then I observed that this car incident was a big push for W in her crisis, kind of repetition of BD. She immediately disconnected with the children and me, now she is reconnecting very fast with our children, and with me she is currently on a rollercoaster. She sends me many contradictory signals or baits to make me react, and I don't react. The consequence of the car incident showed me that my W is still frail and this crisis will last a long time. Before that event I did not observe at how the statement that I read in this forum "it will be worse before it is better". Now I see.

I am still standing, and since the car incident I made a step back according to the new distance with W. I may also distance a bit with this forum for daily life : in the last months I have read many stories and it helped me a lot to understand what is happening. Now I understand each story is different after the first months that are very scripted, so I can't expect my story to be a copypaste from another story & I don't want to focus on the phases, stages, or timeline. I even don't know what I face : is it a MLC or MLT or something else ? only time will tell in hindsight.

W is in her journey, I am on mine. I hope one day our roads will be

No trial has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tested beyond what you can bear. But when you are tested he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it Corinthians 10,13

[Helpnewc]

Dear French,

I think this is a very wise post and reflects my own journey.
You are right you may need this forum less but it will still be here when you do.

Use the time. Reframing is such an important skill.

As is patience. Whatever may come.

[Baxter1]

FH-
When I first started with IC I was told that I was going to pulled into her crisis. I didn’t know what he meant at the time but after a while I figured it out. She is changing and it is forcing us to change. After an event like this you have no choice to change. I(you, everyone here) has been changed through the MLC, I would rather not have this be the source of my change but no one asked us out opinion before we were thrown into the crisis.

[FrenchHusband]

thank you very much Baxter1 and Helpnewc !
Yes I know this forum is here to support me and it is a big relief knowing you are here, thanks !

Today I want to share here the insights of another French LBS, he is part of a community of LBSs following a rare French "coach" talking about the midlife crisis. 5 years after BD he is finally accepting the divorce that he delayed during years. Now he sees 4 main factors that influence the duration and intensity of the crisis, I added one fifth factor :
1) Level of initial suffering (including FOO wounds)
2) LBS doing "what to avoid" (in French we call that les interdits / the forbidden things
3) stickiness of the "bandage" (pansement = French name for OP)
4)  capacity for introspection of the MLCer
(5)  entourage of the MLCer (family, friends) : sometimes the traditional family is helping positively, sometimes the divorced "friends" have negative influence

What is interesting in this POV is that, between the 4-5 factors that may influence the crisis, only one is under control of the LBS.

My scientific mindset is telling me that it might be possible to compile the datas from all the stories then to figure out the level of the crisis. But on the other hand, I don't think we can foresee the future and I believe the human nature is unpredictable (for good or bad). At the end I think that wanting to predict the future means having expectations, and for my own wellbeing I learned it is best to keep "no expectation"

Another simple criteria (result of the 4-5 factors) to distinguish between minicrisis (MLT) and big crisis (MLC) is the determination for the spouse under MLT to destroy everything that has been built : marriage, finances,

According to the French LBS the duration of minicrisis (MLT) might be
- mini MLT some months
- small MLT : 1 to 2 years
- classical MLT : 3 to 4 years
- big MLT : more than 4 years (rare)

A bit of journaling
life is nice. I spent good time with the children and the friends during this weekend. And the next weekends will be busy also. I feel more and more at peace and I feel my detachment is also increasing. I did not react to the balls that W is sending to me the last week. Instead I continue to keep my line : listen, be light, polite and friendly. I communicate what is needed, no more, no less. I am satisfied of me also because I was able to set up a boundary last time I wanted to discuss some topics with W (related to children and to joint decisions we had to take) : when she began to rant I said simply "OK I see you feel not well so let's discuss another time when you feel better", and she stopped immediately.

I raised the Christmas holidays topic. It was settled 2 years ago that this year we will receive my brothers and their family (spouses + many children). So I asked W whether it was fine for her. She answered instead that she does not know if she will be here for Christmas. I continued with my question, because I want her to feel comfortable, then she said "you do what you want". Then I said (again) that, as I am an adult, I want what I do, and I do not want to invite people behind your back, I finished with "it is your house". I know there are small truth darts hidden in all these words, on the other hand I don't want to hide who I am.

W told me also that she will travel in Switzerland in October for 3 days, to see an old and sick friend from her father. I know there is more to the trip : it is also the preparation of an escape path. I won't react to this escape path, I am happy that I have the knowledge because I can prepare to respond appropriately, may this escape path become revealed to me by W... It seems obvious to me that W is reliving what made her mother 30 years ago after W's father death : abandon the children. Crazy how this crisis is a transgenerational thing :  fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge is such a human reality.