[FrenchHusband]

thank you -SS and B1 for your nice comments !
in hindsight, yes doing nothing was the better choice, from far. And I am glad too I did it.

So she runs away and then reaches out? Not a bad thing. It shows regret and checking to make sure the path back is still there (and hasn't closed).
Time, more time!!! 

Funny how sloppy they get with their lies..... I don't think it's them wanting you to catch them - they are falling apart, can't do anything very well.

it is maybe too early to know what is the meaning of the acts and words from W. Time will tell. But for sure she is not good for lying, she was never a lier before MLC, and now the MLC has hit she is so centered on her ego that she lost the ability to to put herself in other person's shoes, IMO.

Journaling second trip of W
With the recurrent trips in S, W has entered a new phase of her MLC. And it is also a new phase for our family, for me and for the children. The second trip has been longer than the first one : 1 week. And it was fine at home. D17 and D15 have a lot of things to do with the final exams ending the year (middle school and high school), and with the sport activities. They are very successfull, I am proud to write it, and they need also a lot of encouraging before and after exams : I feel often like Harry Potter trying to comfort Hermione Granger in these moments  . And it seems to me that our daughters have stepped up, and they are stepping up : they see more things at home, they feel more concerned about the household tasks.
S6 is also fine with W far away : he has many friends, a lot of activities at home and outside. So we have been fine during the week without mom. Until yesterday, when she came back.
I won't relate here all the good moments, the cooking together, the laughs and also the arguments and tears : our daily life is so full and joyful.

Again, W has called me a few times. And she asked me "how are you ?". It was a first since August last year. W complained that "the connection is bad" or "her phone is not working". Again it is sloppy lies to hide the fact that she is working farther form the French border. Why is she hiding the place where she works ? IDK. And why is she dropping hints so that it is so easy (without snooping) for me to know where she actually is ? IDK
For Mother's Day (it was Sunday 26th in France), S6 had prepared a gift box and a poem for mom. I suggested to him to send a voice message to mom. And D15 called mom.

So W told us that she would come back yesterday. But she didn't tell us the flight schedule. I was not expecting anything so I wasn't really affected. But the children were expecting their mother. Especially S6 who, for the first time of the week, expressed to me he wanted to see mum. I delayed the dinner with him, usually at 7pm, as he wanted to eat with mum. I proposed to him we play together, but he wanted to write a poem for Mum, so I sat beside him when he made the poem : he wrote "Mom I love you with all my heart. You have no age, you are beautiful. Even if you leave I love you, I will always think to you" IMO S6 found the perfect words.

Then I watched a rugby match with S6, telling him we will see only first half. At whistle signal the girls came back from their sport and asked me about mom. I said I did'nt know when she would come back. So we ate together without W. D17 saw that S6 was expecting mom, she tried to call W with her phone (no success). And finally I went with S6 to bed. He was really sad that mom was not here but he accepted to go to bed when I proposed that he sends a voice message to mum before sleeping.

Finally W called me at 10pm : "Good evening, I am in the taxi". I said OK. Then I told the daughters and I went to bed . D17 was working in the living room, usually she works late but this time she climbed the stairs and went to her room. 20 minutes later I heard the housedoor, and a few minutes later I heard the voice of W in the corridor : "good evening, how are you ?" (it is totally new, a timid and impersonal greeting  ). From the bedrooms of the daughters came no sound, then after a few seconds, I answered "I am fine". Then after a few minutes I remembered the request from S6 and I went down the stairs. W was in the living room on her computer, I said "S6 asked me to give you this [M day's presents and poem]". And I climbed back the stairs. For the record the children and me sleep upstairs, and W is sleeping in the guest room downstairs.

So W had a cold welcome from the D. I felt i had no will to talk with W, and I guess the D feel the same with their mum. That is not my issue, it is sthing W has to sort out if she wants to. 

[FrenchHusband]

Time for journaling !

I am well. After the first days, I get more and more used to the new situation. And the children too. During their aggressive phase the girls have told me they expect me to be their father, and I respond with actions, not words. I have understood that the children need more attention at this time and I am glad I can give them.  Especially the daughters, it has been a surprise for me because we have always raised them to be autonomous, and they are doing many things without mum and dad pushing : homework, housework, selfcare. Now D15 asks me several times to help her for homework (that's new). Both girls are sharing a lot about their daily life with me. We have light convos, we jest, we have deep convos. D17 is talking a lot about her future, she will very likely leave our home and go to University. That is very fine for me, and normal at her age. She wants to continue to practice her sport at high level, so I have called the places where she is eligible in order to know whether planning arrangements are possible. I told her that I will support her choice whatever it is.

It might be a bit difficult for D15 to see her sister leaving : D15 is very sensitive, the sisters are very very close. In the last months, D15 has done some faintings and bouts of fatigue. In hindsight, I am asking myself whether this is linked to her mum's MLC ? E.G. she has been very sick (fainting) during 5 days of sport training session during February holidays, well that was just a few days after I received the divorce letter. Other e.g : Monday, I receive a call from W, she wants to speak with S6 and just at this time D15's body is lengthened on the ground, she has her head in her hands. I take her in my arms and I try to comfort her. And few minutes later she is OK. What is ringing a red bell to me is the conversation we have then when she tells me that "sometimes she has she feeling that she is hurting herself". The next day I have proposed to D15 to see an IC, she refused but I saw she was glad that I was taking care of her (she was smiling).

With the daugthers, in the last month the dynamics have changed : in case of arguing (nothing big,you know, the daily life), it is very often 2 vs 1. Now I am always in the side of 2 : either one of the girls is asking me for arbitration (and after listening both I try to let them find a solution together if possible), either one of the girls is coming at my side when she feels her sister is "going too far" (and I tell her that her sister has the right to talk and I will manage). That is new because in the past, I had sometimes (rarely) to be 1 dad vs 2 angry daughters (and thanks to MLC learning I could handle the situation with calm).
Idk what it does mean : do the daughters feel I need support ? Do they try to replace their mum ? Do they grow ? Anyway we have most of the times very good and joyful moments, life is great at home.

According to her planning, W should have stayed 7 days at home btw two trips in S. And I found that the 7 days would be long, but I said nothing. And, without surprise, the planning changed. 7 days at home were too much it seems, W left us after 4 days. Still I see the same trend : when W is in S, she calls me almost everyday and we speak a few minutes. When she is at home, there is no conversation at all btwn us. I never call W. I let her lead the discussion and I mirror her words : when she says hello I say hello, when she asks for news I answer without rush. I don't fear silence : when W says nothing I close my mouth. I feel good with this communication. I hope this is good also for W ?
From what i know, it is the same with the daughters. With S6 the tone is warmer and the convos are a bit longer. 2 days ago S6 asked her mom (at phone) at what time she would come back. She said "in the evening". He insisted : "in the evening or in the evening late". (I understand S6 had a bad record for last comeback). And W tells that she has to take a bus (from the airport) at 7pm so she does'nt know when she comes back. Once again my intuition tells me sthing and after check there is no flight back at 7pm. Why is W lying ? And how can she not understand that S6 needs to know the comeback details ?
Please tell me : should I tell W that S6 really needs to know the approximate time of W's comeback ? Or not ? S6 is brave when W is out, he hugs me a lot, kisses me a lot and says ILY a lot. But I see he is missing his mother.

Yesterday W came back around 10 pm, she said "good evening", and D17 and me (sitting in the living room) answered "good evening". Then she came to the basement room, climbed the stairs and exchanged few words with D15. Then she locked herself in the kitchen. Another day in MLC

Hopefully at work my manager is very understanding : she lets me take as many teleworking days as I want. And in my projects at work and outside work I got good news, some people are acting well without me pushing. So I can focus on myself and on the children.

[Baxter1]

FH-

If nothing else comes out of this I do find that my relationship with the children is so
Much stronger. W is doing her thing and I’m taking care of the kids, it has brought us much closer together.

[Atari25]

If nothing else comes out of this I do find that my relationship with the children is so
Much stronger. W is doing her thing and I’m taking care of the kids, it has brought us much closer together.

Same - Much stronger. My kids can see both see how not well my wife is mentally. We were talking about it yesterday actually and I had tears in my eyes again. My daughter told us things she had said to her about how happy she is at her new place (basically not being with us). I reassured both kids I am staying strong and holding steady. Breaks my heart but every month I hold them closer to me.

Kids will be your rock and help you get through whatever is coming!

[FrenchHusband]

Thanks A25 and B1 for your comments, yes the kids are very close to me at this time, they require more attention than usual, but they give back what I give to them so at the end it is a win win  .

Currently W is in Switzerland again, she has spent 4 days at home and she is currently in a 11-day abandonment, after that she comes back for 3 days then in S for how long ?  So the 50/50 target was actually a "pious wish", kind of dead letter ? She wants but she can't.

Anyway I am well at home with the children, we have good times together. D15 has been a bit Hermione-ish in the last days, she has made a national English exam called Big Challenge (for all mid-schoolers) and she was unhapy after the test. Last year she was third in the middle school and she was hoping to have better ranking. Finally she was 1st of her school, 7th in the whole département (county). She is working very hard for the middle school final exam and asking me for support : that is new since a few months, contrary to her sister since childhood she had always been very autonomous in the homework.

D17 is currently having the high school final exam (today is Philosophy), she is accepted in a good University 250 kms away from here and I am actively supporting her for the future : searching an appartment, discussing the options, anticipating the sport activities. I asked D15 2 weeks ago whether she had told her mother about her choice for the future, she said no. And when W calls at home D17 does not take the phone. Well it is not my issue to sort out : I have done it in the past, but now I feel it is not my job.

Money for something (musical ref )
As W "failed" to send money this month on our common account I have asked W whether she intends to continue to contribute to the family expenses or she had cash flow problems, and I told W that the family expenses will increase. W's answers (and my internal thoughts):
"I have cash flow issues this month" (I am glad W opens up a bit)
"as I always had" (is it since always, or is it since you tried to win your independency ?)
"that is the reason why I work in S (3 months ago the reason of W working in W was the couple issues  )
"about the increase of the expenses, as always we will deal with these expenses". ( that is totally new, I did'nt know that there was a WE again ?)
(general comment : W is not asking what are the future expenses ? I hope she can guess that it is related to D17 rental, food, studies and overall future... )

Before sending the message, I was considering my other options related to the money topic : ask the lawyer to talk with w's lawyer in amicable way, or initiate a litigation (motion ?) in court. I keep these options open but will not rush, there is enought cash to wait a few months, and normally (?) W should make a lot of money in S. Then I discovered that W has taken money from S6 saving account (1K€). I am glad I discovered it after I had made my mind up regarding the money topic, because if it had been before I may have reacted. Then after a few days W took again 1K€ from S6 saving account.
I know W has no access to the daughter's saving accounts (and it is a good thing IMO ) so I will use also S6's account in priority for the next months expenses. My priority is to protect the children and the finances.

Holy days
Next 2 months the children will have holidays in France. I have scheduled the holidays with the girls taking in account what I want, what they want and what is possible. So, amongst many things they will do alone or together, we will spend 1 week in Slovenia, 1 week in the mountain (trekking), and likely a week with family (father, brother and SIL, cousins). I have informed W of the projects, she is welcome to join us, I don't expect her to do so. For D17 these summer holidays are important because they are the last before she will leave the family home. As a matter of fact, I think that we will have more common holidays in the future and she has very good memories from the past years. Slovenia, according to the girls, was the best holiday (2019). I recommend this country for the nature lovers, and those who like to visit old places and enjoy cheap and good gastronomy.

This week we will make a trek in the Alps with some friends from Italy and France, then music, dance, songs, good meals and the mass. Actually I am the organizer of the trek, I have hesitated to do it this year (third time) so it is far from perfect, but I am glad I will do it with D17 and S6. D15 prefers to stay home alone, and it is ok also.

Sexuality topic (nobody is forced to read  , I hope the readers will laugh)
I have planned a chirurgical operation, a gift I make to myself : I have scheduled a Frenuloplasty⁽¹⁾ in 2 weeks. I have had pain since the beginning of my sexual life, but it was not really an issue for me as I have handled this pain "as a man" : I used my mannish courage to endure the pain, I was too coward to face a specialist and discuss the topic with someone else. But I am not this man anymore. My new self is so surprised how this is simple : last week I took an appointment, I saw the urology doctor yesterday, I showed him my Pen!$ (without me looking), next week I will see the anesthetist and the week after I will sleep for 10 minutes. Et voilà ! Then I will get an updated Pen!$.
Currently it is not very useful, I live in chastity since 19 months now, I hope a lady may enjoy the new me in an uncertain future 
Just a last point, I have spoken about this little thing to nobody and I don't imagine someone IRL that I can talk with regarding this topic. I am glad I can share it with you, dear friends. I only told to D17 that I will have a surgical operation. When she asked about the details and I saw she was worried, I told her that it is a minor thing and she would prefer not to know the details (D17 is sensitive).

Relationship topic
2 months ago I tested myself : I registered on dating apps and I met virtually a few women. I had pleasant conversations and I made virtual nice meetings. But I discovered quickly that I am not ready for a new relationship so I broke quickly the heart of a woman. I don't know whether the result of the test is "fail" or "pass", but I am glad I know where I am.

My detachment is fine : I won't say that to W (I know better ), even if I am glad for the children that she is present sometimes and even if I welcome heartfully the help at home, I prefer from far when she is in S. I know I can have a nice life without W, without a woman. I would like in the future that I can enjoy my life with a partner but for now I am satisfied with what I have. And in hindsight, adding a new person right now was definitely a bad idea right now, I have plenty to do with the children, with friends, with the parish and with the soon upcoming holidays.

(1) : the link does not work due to the moral corrector, interested people might rewrite the end of the link, replacing "!$" by "is"

[AlvinTheMaker]

You still sound good. And it's good kids are doing well.

Re, money... It's only smart to keep yourself and kids protected. It is bit alarming she used S6 savings account without consent.

Re, holidays....I think your kids are gonna love it.

Re, private parts.... Keep posting how it goes, as the operation is something I am thinking too. For me it's not been a problem in the past, but it seems aging affects things below the waist in ways I never imagined. And yes, it takes a lot of courage to have your private parts viewed by urologist.

Alvin

[Madanic]

FH-

If nothing else comes out of this I do find that my relationship with the children is so
Much stronger. W is doing her thing and I’m taking care of the kids, it has brought us much closer together.

I wish you luck, you will do well!

[FrenchHusband]

A bit of journaling ! I still don't feel that "time is flying" like it did before BD. I am still living in the decelarated time, and I am very busy (work, family, friends, parish) and mostly satisfied with my daily life.

Children
we are family together : the children and I, the momentum is very fine at home, we support each other and we spend good time together. D17 and D15 are not "helping" anymore, they are doing their part of the house tasks, more often taking initiatives without me saying anything. I have observed that, the few days W is at home, they are "regressing" : D17 and D15 are mainly in their room, no initiative, they only do what mom or I are requesting.
For S6, one thing showed me how the situation is crazy. He made a crisis last week. Why ? Because D17 and D15 were not at home in the evening : D15 was at the beach with friends and D17 was celebrating end of the year with some friends. So S6 made a 5 minutes crisis. What is crazy for me is that he did not make any crisis asking mother during the 3 last months when mom is not here. And 2 days after, when I got a message from W saying that her flight was cancelled (after 10 days of abandonment), did S6 make a crisis ? No sir ! He only asked me to add to the message I was sending "mom I love you from all my heart". That's all ! And he does not make any crisis when W "fails" to call at home.

This week we will get the results from the end year final exams. D17 got today high school "baccalauréat" (baccalaureate ?) with the rating "mention très bien" (highest honour ? summa cum laude ?), & D15 is expecting also "mention très bien" for the mid school "brevet" (MS diploma). Please forgive me for being proud of my daughters, and for being proud of myself : for me, the good results at school show that doing my best at home is worthwhile (I have tears in the eyes while I write this). More than successfull at school, D17 and D15 are well balanced : they have good and healthy friends, they are doing sports, they are thinking by themselves.

In a few days we are going together in Slovenia and I expect very good times together. One year ago I was dissatisfied with holidays without W, now I feel very good with the idea, I enjoy time with the children. 

Frenoplasty, consequences and thoughts
Last week I had the chirurgical operation and it went pretty well : 2 hours of sleep and it was done. But after the operation, I overacted a bit, estimating that "no sport" was enough, and I did'nt take real time to rest. I paid the price of my carelessness and I suffered big hemoragy in the end of the afternoon, that leaded me to call the emergencies, faint, and be rescued by the firemen who took me back to the clinic's emergencies department. During this trial I got great support from the neighbour and some S6 friends parents. So I can't complain, I have a few cuts and bruises on me from the faintings that make me remember I have to be humble.
Regarding the little thing between my legs, the change is great. The chirurgian has been able to increase the frenulum's lenght by 4-5 cms, he told me. Now I have a little pain due to the operation's aftermath, but but I have no pain anymore ! I am so happy ! And I understand I have been a fool to not do that operation before. But I understand that I had to change before it would be possible. What is also new to me is that I can speak about this private topic with other people, something I never did and never imagined to do in the past. I hope that the medical progresses will also find a way to deal with endometriosis one day.

W's come back
so, after 9 days out of home, W sent a message telling that her flight was cancelled. I asked her to keep us informed for the next days and July's planning, and the next day she came home at 7pm unannounced (she told she had traveled by train  ). I was upset by her lack of communication, so I quickly reacted when she crossed my boundary (asking S6 an adult topic instead of asking me) and we got a long discussion. I could'nt help but send a few truth darts to W : regarding OM, regarding her abandoning her children like her mother did to her. That did not please W, she is now denegating to have been abandoned and she says I am implying she is a bad mother (I never said it). So I woke up the Monster. A quiet Monster I would say, and what is new is that W told many times during the convo that she is "coming in peace" (with gesture of hands praying).
The day after, considering again the will of peace, I proposed an adult discussion, but after two texts I got Monstering by text (still about MIL topic) and W removed the pictures from her mom and dad in the living room ( ). So I ended the text discussion with "I am sorry how you feel, but we both know what you write is not true". Thanks UM, this trick is working very well !

I see that W is still not ready for an "adult discussion" and she is still not in peace. So after thinking carefully the topics I would like to discuss with her, I see it is best not discuss them now, and I can manage these topics myself without discussion

Finances
W has not contributed to our family expenses. She only told me that she has issues with money since "someone" has made a mischief to make her loose her housing (in Switzerland). With my incomes I am not able to support all the family expenses (including the mortgage that belongs to both of us) so we can not continue like thak. I need more visibility and I have asked my lawyer to act on this topic, either in amicable way with the other lawyer or before the Court.

Relationship status
During the festival following the hiking with friends, I met someone. I mean, a woman. It was simple and fine. We discussed together, we danced together, we cut carrots together, we ate at the same table. Her first words to me were : 'you are the dad of the little boy ?". To the readers, please be reassured : nothing happened ; only hands clasped during dances around fire. What was new for me and fine is that the children were here, and many dear friends. And it was OK. The final meal, I was sitting with three Italian sisters and part of their family. These sisters are very good friends since more than 30 years, almost sisters to me. I called my new friend and, even if she dislikes participating a discussion with a lot of new people, she sat alongside me. And we had a very pleasant time together, all speaking in Italian. At the end of the day, I don't know if this story has a future, we both are currently healing from a deep wound, we both agree to make it very slow and to be only friends in the first times. And we live more than 3 hours driving away. Let's see how it goes.

What is this story telling to me ? I see that I have reached a new stage in attachment : I feel in my heart that I am ready to move out. What about my Stand ? I am still Standing, for me, for my children, for the people I love (including W). I am not standing for a relationship that is already broken and that I can not fix alone.

What am I considering now ? I am looking at the next steps, and that would be speaking to the people around. Today I have talked about "the whole story" to very few people IRL. My family does not know, my work colleagues do not know, almost my friends do not know. To the people who see that something is wrong with W and ask me, I only request them to pray for W. From what I know, W has not informed many people about what she is doing, very few people know that she works in Switzerland, and almost nobody knows about her ongoing divorce.

I want now to inform more people about what is ongoing. The question for me is : what should I tell ? And I know I need a few time to decide what I exactly I say to whom. I don't feel responsible of the divorce, and I don't want to tell other people "the whole story". I don't want to make other people talk to W (because it does not bring any good). So what should I say ? Are there some advices here regarding this topic ? Should I speak about MLC ?
Atm I want to speak the minimum : W wants to divorce me, she is living in Switzerland most of the time, I have accepted it. Is it too much ? Does someone have experience about it ?
Additional question, should I tell W also that I am now telling this, or even ask her whether she has something to say about it ?

[KayDee]

I want now to inform more people about what is ongoing. The question for me is : what should I tell ? And I know I need a few time to decide what I exactly I say to whom. I don't feel responsible of the divorce, and I don't want to tell other people "the whole story". I don't want to make other people talk to W (because it does not bring any good). So what should I say ? Are there some advices here regarding this topic ? Should I speak about MLC ?
Atm I want to speak the minimum : W wants to divorce me, she is living in Switzerland most of the time, I have accepted it. Is it too much ? Does someone have experience about it ?
Additional question, should I tell W also that I am now telling this, or even ask her whether she has something to say about it ?

I asked my therapist about this, as it relates to telling mutual friends. She said 'keep it factual', meaning, don't speculate on what you think is in your spouses mind (having a crisis, confused, etc) just say what has happened in terms of  actions (moved out, living apart, working on separation arrangements etc). I did this incrementally, when I needed to i.e. when I was going to actually see them, or they wanted to visit. Maybe you can consider apportioning in this manner, because sharing the news is still very emotional. A lot of these mutual friends were very, very upset. A couple of them cried, I kid you not. So much fallout - it's not to be underestimated. And of course, you need to brace yourself for their questions, and sometimes, the assumptions people make that this is a 'normal' break up. People can often say well meaning, but hurtful things. I found that very hard to take and to not justify myself. Zip the lips, as they say. In the end, what I said to mutual friends, after sharing the basics is that I thought it was best that we did not talk about my H at all and that I did not want to hear about him from them either. And actually, it is very liberating to have these MLC free zones and, IMO, can save the friendships. Case in point, I have just been away on a short break with some mutual friends. It was no longer hard to do this, and I am glad I kept that territory MLC free. 

In terms of my family and my friends of old, I told them from the get go. I needed a small tribe to get me through, but I have always tried not to speak ill of my H (occasional outburst allowed  .

[Biscuit]

I'd also add that if you want to have any friendship / reconnection with your W in future tell mutual friends as little as you can. It will get back to her and possibly bite you on the arse when you and W want to talk as it becomes a "he said that and you said that" conversation.

This is from personal experience, and has been hard to negotiate as I start to rebuild something (friendship, co-parenting - who knows?) with my W. As KD said, have a tribe - your family, your personal friends and here - and vent. tell whatever to them.  If you get to the point of trying to rebuild your friendship with W, having aired your dirty laundry to all and sundry is just another complication. (well it has been for me - and I'm very early on in a reconnecting process that may or may not go any further)