[UrsaMajor]

The fact that she has emptied her bank account (which is, most likely, community property since you are still married unless she had that money BEFORE you got married) reeks of some sort of MLC skullduggery to me.  Trying to forecast what she is doing or what her motivation is is like trying to taste green ... with your elbow. You can speculate and ass-u-me but, until you have hard and cold facts, you are just tossing a dart over your shoulder backwards and looking to see where it landed this time...

Mid-Lifers are known for their financial antics and attempts to make it look like they are owed something.  If her accounts are emptied, she will look "poor"  to the court and guess who has to pay the price for that.... the dude looking at you in the mirror..... unless you can show that there were actions on her part that caused this situation.

If I were in your shoes, as Alvin said. I'd be looking for a lawyer now because to me, she's ramping up the voltage now and you can expect that things are going to be even more .... uhmmmmmm  ..... interesting.

[Treasur]

I agree with the guys about a lawyer. You have interests, money and a future life to safeguard. And you are dealing with someone connected to those things who is not thinking about your needs at all….so you have to do so more.

It is early days for you post BD, so how you feel is normal. Not helpful but normal.
But now is a time to prioritise facts over feelings bc the facts stay the same regardless of how we feel about them, don’t they?

My biggest advice to you right now is that you start deliberately pausing before acting to consider what ‘belongs’ on your side of the street and what does not, what is your job as a stbxh fired from your old job and what is not. And as a clue, if you did not get a voice or vote or choice about something, it is probably not your job to get involved in dealing with it. Her application? Not your problem. Her money legally? Not your problem if she spends it on wild parties or gives it to a cats home. Where or how she lives? Not your problem. What IS yours is how you protect your financial future, where and how you live, what plans and contingencies you put in place to reduce the effect her actions have on your wellbeing…..

What are you actually doing right now to take care of yourself and your future?
And are you still sober? And how are you looking after your own wellbeing and that of your kids? Bc every minute that is focused on her, every lunch hour, is practically speaking NOT focused on you or your kids. And you can’t get that time or investment back.

And what civil unemotional phrase are you going to use next time to say No, that’s not my problem to deal with?

[Ichoosefaith]

Treasur

I am sorry I thought I responded to this already. I am still sober 190 days today. I am trying to just be the best parent and man I can be. I have gained some of the lost weight back and been working out a lot and eating a lot and taking vitamins. Trying to put my mask on first.

But It’s our youngest birthday weekend and Mom couldn’t even be bothered to participate she was in her bedroom ALL night didn’t meet the friends that were over or anything. Came out grabbed some pizza and took it back to her room with her.

It’s sad because this is not the woman, mother she’s always been.

[Treasur]

Wow, well done on the sobriety, my friend, that’s impressive. I hope you feel proud of yourself.

Yes, it is sad. And bewildering to see I’m sure. Remarkable really how any adult can be so self-centred. In a strange way, it seems to be that the more we LBS see this kind of behaviour - bc it is SO obviously not about us or caused by us - it becomes easier to accept that this is how it is. LBS then tend to start going their own way more, organising these kinds of things without involving the MLCer or when it doesn’t matter if they are there or not. We change our expectations and so we are less surprised. I think as a parent it must always feel a bit sad that your kids don’t have the kind of parent they deserve and you want for them….but that is also why you being the best sane sober solid parent you can be is so important. And I hope your little one had a good time regardless of the MLC teenager in the attic!

[Baxter1]

ICF
Sounds about right, they are so self absorbed and in their own head that nothing else matters! Sad for your child but good for you for making the day about your daughter and not the MLCer.

[Ichoosefaith]

https://www.facebook.com/masonseason2?mibextid=LQQJ4d

We had mediation two days ago. It was the hardest thing ever. Putting values to a life we’ve built over so long. She attempted to go for spousal and child support but both were denied as when the calculator was filled out she would end up owing me money so obviously she decided to drop the pursuit. I could have continued but it isn’t worth dragging things out and more legal costs(however it would feel good to receive a small amount from her just to be able to ) she doesn’t speak she isolates and she neglects all responsibilities household or parenting.

I fear she’s ruining her life and I don’t know if I can be there when she comes around.

I’m so scared for her. I’ve found various prescriptions and injections that would indicate she has had some medical procedure I don’t know about. I’m leaning toward tubal ligation or abortion or both.

Where is the woman I love? Is she gone forever?

[Baxter1]

ICF
She’s still in there! Under the anger and monstering she is still there. I keep reminding myself of that.
It’s gives me some peace to know that Original W would never act in this way, it’s very difficult to see that she’s in pain and acting out in so many ways.

[Ichoosefaith]

Baxter

Where?
I can’t see her. It gets angrier and uglier every single day. I believe she’s in there too but I can’t see her at all.
And I don’t know where or when I’m going to ever see her again.

Like how long is this monster going to be in control?

It’s fricken hard man.

[FrenchHusband]

Baxter

Where?
I can’t see her. It gets angrier and uglier every single day. I believe she’s in there too but I can’t see her at all.
And I don’t know where or when I’m going to ever see her again.

Like how long is this monster going to be in control?

It’s fricken hard man.

The theory here as I understand it is that your W is currently prisoner inside the body, and Monster/Inner wounded child has taken control. Sometimes you can see glimpses of the W you love, first interacting with other people, then sometimes with your children when she reconnects to them.

Yes you don't know whether and when the damned fog will lift, that is why for now and the future, best thing you can do is detach, focus on you, your children and what is dear to you, and enjoy all the good that life is bringing to you.

Edit : when you are facing the Monster, you may find fruitful to set up boundaries : it will make you feel better, I promise. This skill is also useful when dealing with teenagers as I see you have 2 daughters. From my side, I have seen many similarities between my W's MLC and my daughters' teenager crisis ; actually it is exactly the day that I saw same behaviour - D16 refusing my goodnight kiss after a good evening together - that I have been able to understand my W was under MLC

[Treasur]

ICF
She’s still in there! Under the anger and monstering she is still there. I keep reminding myself of that.
It’s gives me some peace to know that Original W would never act in this way, it’s very difficult to see that she’s in pain and acting out in so many ways.

No one wants to take that comfort away entirely from any LBS. However I’m not sure that the narrative that the ‘real’ spouse is ‘hidden’ or ‘still in there’ is entirely accurate either from a behavioural and psychological pov. And believing so can lead some of us sometimes to excuse behaviour which is not ok or deny how things are bc of how we think they were.

I think it’s probably more accurate to say that another part of our spouse is in the driving seat, a part that came to the fore under certain conditions. For some here, that’s the kind of profound psychological fracturing that comes with crisis or perhaps deep depression to the point of disassociation. For others, it’s their response to a set of life circumstances like an affair or other difficulties in their life, their way of dealing with whatever is going n for them. But it IS imho part of the mix of their character/personality - just as one recognises that as an LBS in this kind of situation, sometimes parts of one’s own responses can be surprising - even if it is one we never saw before in them or in ourselves. I know that this pov is not a commonly held one here perhaps, and not always a comfortable one, but it does hold water psychologically imho, the idea that each of us has parts. When I doubted it, I could remind myself that experience had shown me what I was capable of, or not, under the most extreme pressure in my life and I still could not have done some of the things my former h did. It just wasn’t in my toolbox, imperfect as I am. But it was in his unbeknownst to me. Maybe even unbeknownst to him. It did not serve me though to try to pretend otherwise bc what was happening was actually happening and it created a situation that I had to find a way to deal with even if it made no sense to me at all.

I suspect some of these character traits exist on a spectrum….entitlement, avoidance, rage, blame and deceit. When life is easy, they are not needed. When it isn’t, they can climb in the driving seat. It’s not uncommon to see FOO patterns that sowed the seeds for how humans deal with stuff when life gets hard either. For those who heal from a crisis, MLCers or indeed we LBS, I suspect it takes conscious choice to not feed some parts of that character….and that’s hard work so perhaps some never do. So, perhaps it is more accurate to say that this is part, if not all, of who your wife was and is. Jmo.