[Flummoxed]

Hi Baxter,

It is wonderful to hear that your trip went well and you got to spend quality time with family. It sounds like you really made the most of the trip and that’s amazing!

Thank you so much for sharing these updates! Although we cannot say or believe anything for certain, at least for this moment in time, what a wonderful shift in dynamics. I am truly so happy for the two of you!

I have to agree with FrenchHusband- our original BD dates occurred around the same time, but my situation seems to be on the opposite end of the spectrum. However, each journey is as unique as each MLCer. Hoping for continued growth, peace, and positive change!

[Atari25]

Other than that W is still home and stays home most nights. We talk  almost everyday, about the kids, bills, Baxter whatever is going on that day. She keeps complaining about the bills being so high, that what happens when one is in college and the other is a teen. There is no discussion about feeling or the D or any of that, just light conversations.

We have a pre-trial meeting coming up, I'm getting all my ducks in a row. I'm hoping that this is one of those "file and does nothing" situations but I'll be ready for whatever happens. I don't see any logical reason why she would go through with any of this but the MLC mind is all over somehow never can tell. From what I can tell OM is gone and she's just going out with friends but even that has slowed down.

In addition we are just co-parenting very well and the one remaining kid at home is doing well at school and doing great with the football team(American football)

I can't imagine living with my wife now that we are going through mediation. To me it would be so awkward in everyway but I'm glad there is civility and calm around your situation.

There is no reason for most MLC divorces but it seems to be the norm. I was hoping through the summer nothing would continue to happen but I was wrong.  I hope for you the file it and nothing it what happens.

[Baxter1]

Some Journaling-

W and I talked about the pre-trial stuff. She still wants me out of the house, some things never change! She been unhappy for 23 years(we got married in 2002) I was horrible and if I wasn’t so horrible she wouldn’t have had an affair. It was a lot to take in but I just listened, validated when appropriate (my sins was that I worked too much when the kids were little) and pushed back gently on the other stuff.

OM is gone and she likes to  go to the beach and mountains so who knows what’s going on in her head. I’m at a level if detachment where I know I’ll be fine either way. Actually sometimes I want to just call it a day and that scares me, I would have never have thought I would feel this way.

Silver lining is that we’re all still under the same roof and that’s a good thing, we both get to see the kids, I’m not paying rent on a place I don’t want and of course I get to wake up to Baxter every day so it’s all good.

[Flummoxed]

I just want to commend you for being able to sit through that conversation in-person so calmly and validate/push back when needed. Phenomenal work- I, for one, am in awe.

Always helps to focus on that silver lining! Keep it up, Baxter1- amazing and inspiring!

[Helpnewc]

Baxter, same complaints from mine. And maybe it was fair but I was providing at the time and someone had to do it to allow the other partner to be at home.

But I could have done better. I have acknowledged that.

The frustration is the inability to remember anything good. But it is all just justification for bad behaviour.

And as you know. It is not about you at all sadly.

But understanding it does not make it easier to accept it.

Stay strong.

[Standing Strong]

You're right where you need to be Bax 

You got this!!!

-SS

[OffRoad]

You have to love their inability to do math. And that they married us when they were miserable.  And so many of them say the exact same things.

Yep, stay in that house until there is no option for you. Is there any path for you to keep it if a D goes through?

[Treasur]

Yup, all pretty textbook script, isn’t it? Well, not very pretty to listen to, of course. One of the things that (now) strikes me as quite strange really is that these MLC folks often seem to keep assuming that we are still obliged to care about their opinion of us even after they have decided to discard us….tbh I suspect that’s a habit that both MLCers and LBS take a while to break? Part of being an LBS inherent in the LB bit surely is that I’m no longer obliged to try to reassure or comfort you, or try to fix whatever you don’t like about me, life or anything else or do anything really for the sole purpose of meeting your needs or wants.

Imho it’s sometimes tricky to maintain that balance between validation as acknowledgement and validation as agreement. And, again jmo, but there are some things MLCers say that are so awful, I’m not sure anyone needs to hear it more than once. These things are often scarred on our memories while anecdotally many MLCers seem to have no memory of saying them later. And tbh it can verge towards abuse and a kind of psychological bullying if it goes on too long, so it’s ok imho to not be obliged to listen to it over and over again, to acknowledge it and walk away. To accept that someone thinks or feels x bc they have said so, but that we are not obliged to soak it up or make it our priority just bc it is theirs.  That’s true in life writ large, isn’t it?

I’m not sure I recall reading any anecdotal evidence here that soaking up their anger or complaints repeatedly makes any difference at all to how they see us or their behaviour? But most of us LBS probably think it might, at least for a while. Or we think we can debate them out if it maybe, idk. Again jmo but what marks it as MLCish is usually the extreme lack of reciprocity which is not the adult norm…..there’s no You in it, just Me Me Me.

It’s a mark of our own recovery probably when we reach a point of shoulder shrugging perhaps….you hate me, you blame me for everything wrong in your life and you want me to just disappear with minimal inconvenience to you….ok, so, your practical proposal for next steps is….? Ok, I’ll take some time to think about that. I don’t know if this was how the convo felt to you, Baxter, but often you find there is no So What bit to the conversation….its just emotional vomiting or an attempt to get you to do what they want eg leave the house. Looking back, was there a proposed action point? And if so, was it any different from what you have heard before?

I agree with others that staying in the house with your kids and Baxter sounds wise, but probably quite hard emotionally. Have you taken legal advice about your options?

[Treasur]

And a PS - try not to be scared of your own feelings. Feelings are not facts and they are not actions. But they can be useful bits of info if you accept their presence and sit with them for a while having a metaphorical cup of coffee lol.

[Baxter1]

Thank you all for the validation.it was tough to hear but knowing that it’s all part of the script gives me a great comfort. I’m not planning on going anywhere, I’m pretty content in the man cave. As for her ‘plan’: I leave for 2 years(until S16 graduates)then we sell the house.She mentioned this plan after admitting to the affair and admitting that the OM is gone. This was a small conciliation but who’s to say there won’t be OM2,3,4 or a rebound to OM1 if I leave? I think I’ll stay in the man cave to prevent any of that foolishness in the home around the kids.
As for legal advice  I spoke to a lawyer who said that she was being very unreasonable and I should just stay put. Ugh, the joys of an MLC spouse, to be continued…