[Baxter1]

More journaling:

Just got back from a trip to Seattle, Vancouver and Portland. Very awesome part of the world. Very cool vibe and everyone is just laid back and have a ‘you do you’ vibe. My quest for the 50 states and 10 provinces continues, (45 and 6).

 Other than that we’re doing ok. I got her something nice for Mother’s Day and she took 2 weeks off from contact. Just today she reached out and asked about my trip, light years from where we were a year ago. I’m going to just take it as a win and keep going. Im doing a lot of research into the avoidant personality and I’m understanding that the need for space is real. All of this takes time and it’s a process, we’ll see where this process takes us.

I’m going out more and hanging out with new friends and so far so good. See the kids when they can(the 16y old is too busy) but my 19y old lets me buy him dinner about once a week which I very much look forward to.

[Helpnewc]

Dear Baxter,

You are doing so well. You also sound content.
Thank you for the update.

[UrsaMajor]

See the kids when they can(the 16y old is too busy) but my 19y old lets me buy him dinner about once a week which I very much look forward to.

Boy, do I know how this goes... Mine (S18 and D14) are often engaged with things, friends, school, getting a driver's license, etc., but we usually manage to hit the gym together once per week per kids (Tuesdays are D14's night and Wednesdays are with S18). They have been showing up less and less often for their "Dad weekends" but that is to also be expected as they get older..... Of course, if there is food (specifically Barbequing) in the plan or some other "fun"activity, they usually show up... <snort>

[Baxter1]

Journaling:

It’s been a good summer. Went on a cruise with mom brother and SIL. Been traveling for work and also took a trip to Canada to see some old friends. Baxter and I have settled nicely in the new apartment, he’s living his best life.

Contact is about every 9 days, seems like there’s always a deals for her to reach out. Usually about the kids or the house, every once in a while it’s about nothing at all, just a quick check in. Our next court date is in September, I’m hoping she can hold off until S17 is 18, let him graduate high school before getting this done. I used to pray that we would reconcile but I love I just pray for what’s best for both of us. We are each discovering of own lives and im enjoying that journey. The middle years are just hard since everything is calm but there’s still no resolution. In a perfect world she would cancel this foolishness and we can stay separate for a while. It’s out of my hands so all I can do is wait and she how it plays out.

[UrsaMajor]

Contact is about every 9 days, seems like there’s always a deals for her to reach out. Usually about the kids or the house, every once in a while it’s about nothing at all, just a quick check in.

Kid stuff - fine.  You are the sane parent so it's good to make sure you are up-to-date.
House stuff - Well, if your name is still on the deed/title, better to be informed than to have it all blow up if the house has to be sold.
"Just a quick check-in?" - That, my boy, is called an "anchor check" and serves to make sure that you are still there, waiting in the wings. Heaven  forbid you might be getting a life and actually healing, DOING things that she has no control or knowledge over....

[Baxter1]

Journaling:

Well we went to court the other day and we signed divorce papers. Not the outcome I wanted but can’t say I didn’t see it coming. Although this sucks I am grateful for the 23y we did have. Between trips and kids and dogs and moving cross country, we had a good life.

She was relatively kind, no alimony, she even dropped the support payments so that I had some breathing room. After it was over I walked her to her car and we had a nice long hug, she leaned into it and it felt like old times. About 2h after is was done I got a text thanking me for going along with it. She also mentioned that had I listened to her for the last 5y this may have no ended this way. Sounds like BS, every time we talk it’s a different excuse. She also said she wanted to work
On our ‘communication and friendship’. I’ll take that, who knows where we end up but Im still
Standing. I don’t really have a desire to get into a new relationship, I’m Having fun building a relationship with myself and learning about me.

[zartheit]

She also mentioned that had I listened to her for the last 5y this may have no ended this way.

Ouch. What a kick in the teeth, completely unprovoked. I'm sorry you experienced that, friend.

Sounds like BS, every time we talk it’s a different excuse.

Yes, I agree about the BS. It's more rationalization for actions she's taken. It's a big neon sign, a shiny veneer, to coverup the complete lack of understanding or insight into her own behavior.

I'm sorry about the divorce. I hope there are some events or activities around for you to rest on. With that being said, you sound remarkably well.

[JohnnyBravo]

She also mentioned that had I listened to her for the last 5y this may have no ended this way. Sounds like BS, every time we talk it’s a different excuse.

Sorry to hear about all of that, Baxter. I occasionally fall into the trap of wondering if I could have done some things differently, but then realize that anything my ex-wife said that may have mattered was very passive or in "code." (I proposed to her because she was much a straight-talker when I met her.) She said something to a friend about lack of communication, but that was a mirror on her.

The divorce is lousy, but I found it did at least solidify a path forward.

Onward and upward...

[FaithWalker]

So sorry it had to end this way Baxter.  You've got this! 

Yes always a different excuse.  More like "if she hadn't treated marriage like a contract instead of a covenant and divorce a non-negotiable it wouldn't have ended this way."

[Helpnewc]

Dear Baxter,

I have learned that the stories we tell ourselves are very powerful. For a while, my wife had me believing I was the devil. But with time and help I realised I was just a frail human being who made the usual mistakes in a marriage.

There was nothing remarkable with where we ended up. Her reaction and the craziness was unusual. The story she tells herself now is exculpatory and yes, you may have listened a bit late but when you listened and had insight she chose the path of destruction.

I have learned that it is impossible to repair with someone who is avoidant and does not want to. Yes, you could have made it but she chose not to do so. That is not on you.

Focus on your kids and healing. I have been  by myself for nearly 4 years. I think I will stay that way but who knows what lies ahead. I do know that marriage is a wonderful thing.


Help