[keepfighting]

Your wife reminds me of when I was a teenager. I turned 18, took out my pack of cigarettes, bought a bottle of gin and put both on the kitchen table and told my parents that because I was now 18 I would do whatever I want. I also had a strong desire and intent to leave home which surprisingly was not longer there 3 years after I finished college.

xyzcf, you nailed it. This is exactly how she behaves. I am getting this line for a while now: I do what I want and you cannot hold me back. My reply: I don't want to hold you back, just think about the decisions you make and don't rush decisions.

With holding her spending money is probably making her very angry. The idea of moving out to help a friend to help out around her house is pretty wild to me, what about her two children?? There is no "sense " in what she is doing...but she may feel "trapped" and absolutely wants to find a way to dull the pain.....and this means she has to leave you...because you are the person responsible for her unhappiness....and she sees the only way as leaving behind both you and all responsibilities...very very common for a person in crisis.

She does feel very trapped, not once did she express wanting to run away if she could.  I guess this is her running away from her feelings, FOO traumas, the death of her father at the age of 60 (cancer). In the initial period W mentioned about the internal fight going in her, not heard about this lately. Often I see the dead eyes and that she is sad, sometimes I asked if she is moving towards rock bottom, but don't think she is yet. Think it was caused more about the relationship issues with OM, they broke up a number of times but she so far always 'cried' herself back to him. The 'relationship' started round about BD so 6 months in. I read these infatuation last about 9m-2y on average, probably a long way before it's over.

The breakups put pressure on her, when she loses temper, today in fact, she said she does not want any men in her life anymore, she would much better be on her own. 

For a while now I have been thinking about trying to 'win' her close friends over. Not in the sense not be friends with her anymore, more like try to make them look at her situation clearly and not from W's PoV that is distorsioned. I am talking about possibly 3 people. 1 I think I could handle, 1 maybe a bit harder to convince, but could probably get there in the end and 1 not sure. It's a person I am not in close contact with, it's one of her friends she goes out with when going partying.

Did anyone else do this? Pros contras?

[mcm64d]

I kept three of my friends updated daily for a few months. They were my friends first and two since became shared friends after me and my stbxw got together, so a bit of a different situation.

But my experiences with the three were interesting. The one which never became mutual friends with my wife is and has been totally on my side since day 1. The second friend had me create goals to achieve that would address her main concerns, which in and of itself is not a bad idea just as long as they are truly things that could use improvement. The issue became as things intensified and divorce became the only option did he see that her concerns, while valid or not, were by no means cause for divorce.

The last friend, after speaking to my stbxw and getting absolutely demolished by my stxbw monstering (in ways nobody ever saw- my stbxw is one of the most beautiful people inside and out anyone has ever met), insisted that reaction had to be something I did to her. Something "major". (Like being asked if I ever physically abused her or cheater on her- which both me and my stbxw said no to). Still she wouldn't believe me. It took a while and again after things intensified and divorce came into the picture, did this friend start seeing my version of things and started agreeing that this was by no means cause for divorce. But that took its toll on me as I needed support, not further attacking.

I guess the moral of this story, although the types of friends are different than in your case, is that you could be setting yourself up for further attacks and the need to defend yourself, which at this moment I am guessing you do not need. It could foreseeably add fuel to your spouse's fire with these friends if they are or will become manipulated

[Treasur]

Big mistake imho.
And tbh, more usefully, a sign that you are far from as detached as you probably want to be.

You are trying to control or influence what you can’t and to do so by triangulating others. Not sure that’s very fair. And not sure you can control their reactions either. And have you ever seen a single story here where that worked and poof normal spouse reappears?

You will do as you wish. Ha ha, I accept that none of us control you either lol. But, at least, take a rule of 3 breath and do nothing about it for a little while. Give yourself time to think hard about what you would be trying to achieve and why, and what YOU see as the pros and cons.

[UrsaMajor]

For a while now I have been thinking about trying to 'win' her close friends over. Not in the sense not be friends with her anymore, more like try to make them look at her situation clearly and not from W's PoV that is distorted. I am talking about possibly 3 people. 1 I think I could handle, 1 maybe a bit harder to convince, but could probably get there in the end and 1 not sure. It's a person I am not in close contact with, it's one of her friends she goes out with when going partying.

Did anyone else do this? Pros contras?

While you are at it, you might also wish to consider sticking your finger in a light socket with the power on while standing in a puddle or stabbing yourself in the nose with a barbecue fork.....

Seriously....  Do NOT go there.... They are her "close friends" and if you go about peeing in that pool, she will rightly blame you for it. If they are too blind to see what is happening in front of their own eyes, they are either enablers or are paddling their canoe up De Nile and you trying to get them to see the light will invariably blow up in your face..... They are likely to side with her if they are that close. My MLCxW had 3 enablers who were supposedly "mutual" friends... Two were actively engaged against me and one was telling her "You might want to think about that."One other mutual friends broke off contact with MLCxW because the friend supported me and MLCxW tossed the friend aside like 3-week old fish that was left out in the hot sun. I also no longer have contact with the friend - she WAS MLCxW's friend long before MLCxW and I met and I kept some contact for a while but it gradually fell by the wayside....

[keepfighting]

Based on the last 3 posts, the answer is clearly, no, that's not a good idea (UM's 2x4 made me laugh). Was thinking of this from the point of you that if they see the real version of the story and not just whatever bu!!sh1t my W told them, maybe they can move away from some of the advices they give.

One of her friends out of the 3 I 'targeted' clearly said she does not condemn my W for what she does, that's after the numerous time she's been in our house, see how we live, etc. and known each other for 5 years.

OK, will move the focus away from this idea then... plodding along.

Off to the gym with the boys in a little while.

[mcm64d]

This just reminded of something my stbxw said to me on the phone in one of our early discussion of this fiasco. She told me that her friend, who adores me as well, said to my xw "Why would you stay (with me) if you're unhappy?"

I didn't verbalize it at the moment, but I had one of those smacking myself in the forehead moments in disbelief someone would actually say that. First, its not my job to make her happy and second, did we ever truly find out that I was the reason for her being unhappy before saying that??

And in case you are wondering I did ask my stbxw if I (and the marriage) was the only reason she was unhappy in her life. Her response- "What do you mean?"

Rational thinking and behavior seem to fly out the window.

[WHY]

Please dont take the family vacation.  Been there, done that.  You're setting yourself up for catastrophic failure and disappointment.  None of you are in the right frame of mind to do something like this (it's not just her), and it will be a powder keg....  You both are not ready for something like this.

[UrsaMajor]

And in case you are wondering I did ask my stbxw if I (and the marriage) was the only reason she was unhappy in her life. Her response- "What do you mean?"

Rational thinking and behavior seem to fly out the window.

I got "I have to get the D because it is because of the marriage and because of you that I always sick."

Guess what,,,, We're divorced now and.... she is STILL always sick...... and had to reduce the number of hours she works during the week because of it..... Before it was because of her boss and the other men she had to work with that she was always "sick".... Then it was because of her colleague that was doing the Mattress Mambo with the new boss that she was always "sick".... I have no idea what the excuse du jour is now....

But, as with anything MLC-related, no matter how far and how fast they run away, there they are....

But then I got the  "I never said that."  Uhhhhhhmmmmmm yeah, right... Must have been the Body Snatcher pod in the garden shed talking then....

[mcm64d]

And in case you are wondering I did ask my stbxw if I (and the marriage) was the only reason she was unhappy in her life. Her response- "What do you mean?"

Rational thinking and behavior seem to fly out the window.

I got "I have to get the D because it is because of the marriage and because of you that I always sick."

Guess what,,,, We're divorced now and.... she is STILL always sick...... and had to reduce the number of hours she works during the week because of it..... Before it was because of her boss and the other men she had to work with that she was always "sick".... Then it was because of her colleague that was doing the Mattress Mambo with the new boss that she was always "sick".... I have no idea what the excuse du jour is now....

But, as with anything MLC-related, no matter how far and how fast they run away, there they are....

But then I got the  "I never said that."  Uhhhhhhmmmmmm yeah, right... Must have been the Body Snatcher pod in the garden shed talking then....

I am sorry for all your experiences UM but you are so reassuring. If I had never found this site, I would have thought ALL of this was my fault and that I was going crazy......  I have to take my responsibility for this even though it has been said this MLC has nothing to do with me or my marriage. Its the only way I can improve as a person.

[keepfighting]

Guess what,,,, We're divorced now and.... she is STILL always sick...... and had to reduce the number of hours she works during the week because of it..... Before it was because of her boss and the other men she had to work with that she was always "sick".... Then it was because of her colleague that was doing the Mattress Mambo with the new boss that she was always "sick".... I have no idea what the excuse du jour is now....

This was also my experience... blaming, blaming, blaming and it was always someone or something else. MLCer don't want to take any responsability for the mess they cause.

If I had never found this site, I would have thought ALL of this was my fault and that I was going crazy......

I second this, even now there are days I feel like I am going mad, though now I look at the situation from a slightly different angle. This is no easy journey and I don't know if I will be able to make it to the end. For now I'm trying to find strength in my children, my vows, etc. but it is a damn hard journey for sure. Some days are easier than others, the hardest part for me is in the morning when you need to get out of the bed when you know you need to put up with the same sh1t again.

Journaling:

the situation did not escalate from yesterday, no more mentioning about the moving out, but I am alert, the situation can change from one day to the other. W has been calm since yesterday, we had some neutral conversation today, mostly about kids. W seems to be content of herself.

I've been reading Standing Strong's story the last few days. He is one lucky guy so far in the story (part 6), I wish I had known what I know today and intercept this whole situation before it turned into an affair, but it is too late now.