[toomanytearss]

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11417.msg800061#msg800061

My last thread.  Wow that took a long long time to get through.  LOL.  How things change.  I remember the early days when a new thread might last me a week or month.  Something like that. 

Anyway, it's hard to believe ten years is coming up in February.  A whole decade.  So many changes and ups and downs. 

It's kind of strange the way I look at my life these days.  You know back in the day when I'd think about my past it was usually mostly my life with the x.  He was always the star of the show.  Sometimes I'd think back to my childhood, but it was rare.  These days when I go down memory lane it's pretty darn short.  It pretty much starts at the time that I started putting myself together.  Kind of like that is  when my life really started.  Of course, I still go down memory lane about my kids here and there, but those memories are now very narrowed down.  They are usually a specific moment in time and include my child only or me and my child.  Kind of like the x never existed in my life.  He's certainly not the star of my memories anymore. 

I think a lot about if I wish this had never happened.  My answer is not what it was many years ago.  I'm glad that it happened.  The only regret is that it didn't happen earlier.  But that is because my marriage, after looking at it in a clearer way, was not good.  I was not married to a loving, kind, emotionally mature person.  And I was a highly reactive person.  Anyway, it just didn't make for a good marriage and neither of us was smart enough emotionally to know to get some help.  I am in no way saying what he did was right.  It was not right.  But it is what a emotionally immature person with an inferiority complex would do. 

I am in no way saying that I didn't love him and want the marriage to work.  But it didn't work, and couldn't work with the material that the marriage had to work with. 

From all this I have learned and grown.  I've had some rough times, and some times I was almost too scared to move.  Some very sad times and times of such utter loneliness.  I think it was the first time in my life that I had "FEELINGS" that I was not being told by a significant other or a parent how I should feel and what I should do. 

This mlc, they say, is a depression, a coming to the surface of wounds and a decision of sorts for the mlc'r when his crisis is over.  Hmmmm, I get that I guess.  Not really.  I'll never truly understand mlc. 

But I do know this.  I don't know how much the x learned from his crisis.  But I can tell you I learned a lot.  I learned a lot about myself, overcame a lot of fears, learned about people, learned to trust myself, learned to face the worst parts of myself as well. 

I wish I had been able to start my adult life with the knowledge and understanding I have now.  But would it have changed anything in the end?  Who knows?

But time does help you heal if you choose to let it and participate.   

[Dragonfly33]

Toomanytears, thank you for continuing to update is with your life now. Everything you said about memories is what I am experiencing right now. I still talk a lot about memories that include my ex. He is still mostly the star of the show. But that deep pain I felt before during BD and after isn’t the same anymore. It does get lesser and lesser. I hope one day, I can say those words you said regarding your mind set and your thoughts now.  It sounds like you are totally healed now. I have noticed I feel more and more confident now. Unlike before I was very dependent on my ex. I really believe my ex personality was already like that when it comes to cheating and MLC probably reinforced it. Who knows.  Please continue to update us.

[Reinventing]

Thanks for what you wrote at the end of your last thread and the beginning of this one. Great reads.

[Evermore]

But I do know this.  I don't know how much the x learned from his crisis.  But I can tell you I learned a lot.  I learned a lot about myself, overcame a lot of fears, learned about people, learned to trust myself, learned to face the worst parts of myself as well. 

I wish I had been able to start my adult life with the knowledge and understanding I have now.  But would it have changed anything in the end?  Who knows?

But time does help you heal if you choose to let it and participate.   

I’m so glad you (and other veteran LBS) continue to post here TMT. I love your thoughts above. Especially the bolded part.

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching TMT....

[toomanytearss]

Well it seems like this Christmas season is going to be quite busy. So far this month has been very nice. Except for the fact I took a bad fall and ripped my knee open and I have to go for an X-ray because I might have a fracture as well. So riding season is sort of out for me. Except I did ride today for just a bit. Lol. Shouldn’t have. I’m in some pain right now from it. And my ankle is as big as an elephants leg. But I couldn’t resist. My trainers horse was right there all saddled and ready to go. Lol. He’s a great horse and fun to ride. Lol. I’m paying for that decision now.

Things here other than that have been pretty nice. The x took all of December off. He wanted to be with family for the holidays. It’s usually very stressful when he is around. Especially the holidays.

But he has been quite non stressy so far. He came over and hung all my Christmas decor outside and youngest d helped him. I was at work and I couldn’t do it this year because of my leg.

He has decided he wants to learn to ride and has been taking lessons 3 times a week while he’s here and apparently he is loving it. He asked me to watch his lesson today so I went. He’s doing well. He said he sleeps so well after his lesson day. He has completely cleaned his house and decorated for the holiday. He usually just sits in his house and watches tv. He is taking lessons with my trainers. They have welcomed him and have invited him to go with us to our Christmas barn dinner.

He came over on Sunday to spend some time with youngest d and me. She wanted to play cards. He picked up all the ingredients for a charcuterie board and he and youngest d set it all up together. We played cards and ate and talked. It was a nice night.

Our oldest daughter had a family dinner last week and we all went and everyone had fun. He was nice and laughing and eating and being a normal human being.

Youngest d is having her birthday celebration next week and chose to do that with me and included her dad. Her choice. She asked him.

They have also planned a birthday lunch just her and him and then they are doing some cooking together for the Christmas dinner. All the family is coming to my house. So they are going to go over the stuff they want to cook and then picking up all their groceries for that. He asked her to lunch and she accepted.

I am very happy for her that they are finding their way. He is learning to just be her friend. Not to push. So she’s letting him in a bit. I’m hoping very much that he continues to help his relationship with her grow. They were never close and when all this happened she felt like he threw her away. Like she didn’t matter. No child should go through that.

I didn’t make a big deal of it. I just said oh that sounds like a nice day. She just smiled.

It really makes me happy to see the kids being able to work through all this with their dad. And that he’s finally understanding and making the effort. He’s going to our sons house tomorrow to help him with some home improvements. Our son bribed him with cheesecake. Lol!!

The x and I had a talk about where we are as well. As I told him we are both on the downhill slope now. It’s not fair for either of us to be in this weird holding pattern. We either need to put in the work to move forward or let go and find our happiness elsewhere. He agreed. And we agreed that if we decide to move forward separately that we will continue to be friends and be good to each other and be there for each other. We have a lot of years together kids together and we’ve suffered a lot of devastation. Neither of us wants to go through that devastation again.

So we have set aside a day to sit and talk through some things and try to figure out what path we each want to take.

Either way we will be fine I think. As long as we all continue to have care for each other the family will be ok either way and so will x and I.

The only down side of things right now is my brother. He won’t be coming and I’m actually relieved. He and his girlfriend who he’s been with 10 years are parting ways. He was cheating on her. With 3 other women. She is devastated. I am so pissed off at him. She is such a kind person. For him to do that is messed up. Wasting 10 years of her life.

He’s been doing this for the last 6 years. She found the evidence on his phone. I told her to check his phone. She was feeling like something was going on. She found everything. I wish in some ways I hadn’t encouraged her to do that. The crap he said about her to his side pieces was horrible. She’ll carry that in her mind for a long time. But I wasn’t sure that’s what was going on but if it was I didn’t want her to stay and keep putting up with his stupid crap he was doing to her.

I wouldn’t even be able to look at him if he came here. He’s done this before. It’s how his marriage ended. And one of the side pieces is the same scum bag that he cheated with when married to my sil. He’s learned nothing. And he saw what he put my sil through and what I went through.

So I’m glad he’s not coming or we’d be like when we were kids during it out in the yard. Grrrrr…..

[Evermore]

Hey TMT. That is wonderful that x is stepping up and doing the work with the kids. So happy for them and you, long may it continue. Also happy to hear that you're making a move to either move forward, or potentially move apart, with purpose. Very mature of him. Very not-mature of your brother though. His poor GF. We all know what it's like to be bombed like that, especially at the start. Just heartbreaking. Re your knee... no more riding missy until you've had some tests! 

[Reinventing]

TMT, yes, it is hard enough to find out about OW(s), without hearing/reading the garbage thoughts they conjure up about the LBS to justify what they are doing. I think that part elicits the most umbrage from me now because of the time it takes to process that garbage, throw it away where it belongs, and heal.

Even so, it is better to know and have to face that pain, than the insidious undercutting and gaslighting they do when we don't know what is going on.

I always say that seeing him with OW just 10 weeks after BD was one of the best and worst days of my life. At least I could live in reality, even though the pain was indescribable.

[Songanddance]

The x and I had a talk about where we are as well. As I told him we are both on the downhill slope now. It’s not fair for either of us to be in this weird holding pattern. We either need to put in the work to move forward or let go and find our happiness elsewhere. He agreed. And we agreed that if we decide to move forward separately that we will continue to be friends and be good to each other and be there for each other. We have a lot of years together kids together and we’ve suffered a lot of devastation. Neither of us wants to go through that devastation again.

This - this is excellent news TMT and about time too!

To be able to say that you'll be ok with or without the MLCer in your life is a huge step forward.  Because the dependency on them to be part of your life has gone, because the knowledge that your happiness is not in some person but in the good and positive aspects of your own life and choices has arrived. 

I once said to H way back in the early days after BD (when he mentioned that he didn't even like OW and couldn't understand what he was doing but that it felt right... )  that I actually didn't care what happened to us but I did care what happened to the children and that if nothing else we would work this out and be good parents regardless.

I also love love love the way your D is handling this - such maturity in one so young and excellent emotional stability from her too.  Sometimes when we watch our children handle this we learn so many lessons from them. "Out of the mouth of Babes"

[Akkie1973]

I once said to H way back in the early days after BD (when he mentioned that he didn't even like OW and couldn't understand what he was doing but that it felt right... )  that I actually didn't care what happened to us but I did care what happened to the children and that if nothing else we would work this out and be good parents regardless.

Oh wow, my stbx said a bit the same a few months after BD. He said to his friend that he wasn’t very much in love anymore with the OW but he thought the relationship meant something bc he still wanted to see her…. I think that was limerence. Unfortunately the affair is still going on after three years.

Edited to fix quote - UM