[toomanytearss]

Well 10 years has gone by since bd. Time flies. That’s a chunk of change. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
I remember a long time ago, towards the beginning of all this, someone told me that compared to 29 years of marriage being apart through all this for 5 or 6 years is just a drop in the bucket. It was worded much better than that but that’s the gist of it. Back then it made sense to me. It just doesn’t seem like such a small chunk of change to me now.
I have gone on with my life. I do have a good life. I am happy most of the time. No one is happy all the time. Lol. I actually have a much better life now. Probably wouldn’t have that if all this hadn’t happened. So in many ways I’m beyond ok with that. But I do have some resentment about it all.
Most of that resentment caused by me because I did live my life but never fully shut the door and moved on. Which left me in a state of limbo of my own making.
And I know it’s my own fault but I resent him for it. Not continuously. It just pops up here and there.
It interferes in my moving forward even now. I sit in the fence with x. I feel safe there. Not making any commitments to him keeps me emotionally safe. I don’t have to make a decision either way. How messed up is that. Lol. Living in limbo now is my safe place I guess.
X continues to improve but a a turtles pace. You really have to be very abrupt with him when he’s crossing boundaries. But he eventually gets it. I can’t figure out if he’s really that dense or he does it on purpose to try to throw his weight around. Maybe it’s a bit of both.
He still has a Debbie downer attitude a lot of the time. And that wears on me. So much negativity from him. I think he’s struggling with depression, he’s even said he thinks he’s struggling with depression. He moved to a new place when he was here from work in Alaska. Youngest d and I helped him move. We walked into one room that he keeps the door closed to and holy $h!te. It was unbelievable. Youngest d just looked at him and said, what are you?  A hoarder?  He just hung his head and said he was sorry. Things just got out of control. When he is home from work he is off 2 to 3 weeks at a time. And I guess he just sat at his house and piled everything in that room.
He goes nowhere but the grocery when he’s here unless I go with him. I got him to take riding lessons when he’s here 3 days a week and he will take those. Because the instructor is my friend and she stays on his butt. Plus I think he feels comfortable with her so he will go without me. But that’s it. He won’t ride the motorcycle unless I go. Has no friends. Doesn’t get out there at all.
And I resent that too. But at 5he same time I understand he’s struggling. But then the resentment gets worse because I’m like where was this firetrucker when I was struggling. He didn’t care one bit.
It’s all so confusing.
I’m not sure how to work through all this.
At least this valentines he didn’t send me stupid ass flowers. I’ve told him and told him I do not like Valentine’s Day and to quit with that crap. I understand it’s difficult for him as well. So don’t get me wrong I get that he sometimes doesn’t know what he should or shouldn’t do. But I’ve been clear about the flowers. I will buy my own. I don’t want any from him. If you know my story you know why. This year he sent me a bag of m & m’s. Lol. My favorite. He’s in Alaska so he ordered them off Amazon and had them gift wrapped. LOL!!!  That was an expensive bag of m & m’s. But I did appreciate them.
I think I’m just venting. This time of year just sits a bit heavy on me sometimes.

[KayDee]

It seems like you have made some important observations about yourself in the last post. That you feel resentment and that you feel in limbo are the one's that stick out to me. And that in your signature you say you are 'done' but in your post you say you are on the fence. A therapist would love to get their teeth into these   You have some much wisdom TMT - I doubt any of us could say anything you haven't thought already. You are coming to terms with your X as he is perhaps - he doesn't, and didn't, have the capacity to support you through hard times (would you say that is true?) . I know that, my H, he cannot take responsibility for anything. And that's not new. He, like many other MLCrs missed some sort of developmental stage - he didn't acquire good coping skills. Lack of coping skills and taking responsibility - they are closely aligned IMO. It may sound obvious, but this pretty much explains most of my H's behaviours. It's something I guess I notice with your X. What's to be done with that?

Thank you for continuing to share. Your posts are always so insightful.

[MadLuv]

TMT- I totally get the resentment at times and being irritated to have moved so far along but to resent that you still resent at times.  I feel pretty ok most the times, but it doesn’t ever escape me that this isn’t what I planned and I am such a devoted and loyal person that it is hard to move on in some ways. When you liked where and what your future looked like it is still a mind F if we are honest that we had this even happen.

 Sometimes I’m just mad that I married someone that was  so undeveloped in their maturity that they did things to myself and my kids I wouldn’t do to my worst enemy ( if I had one) 
I think I just always try to lean into the calm times and that to be honest that I am not him or OWife.  I think it’s great that at least your H is around and talking and shows love to you. That is much better than the ghost that most of us have.

[Songanddance]

Most of that resentment caused by me because I did live my life but never fully shut the door and moved on. Which left me in a state of limbo of my own making.
And I know it’s my own fault but I resent him for it. Not continuously. It just pops up here and there.
It interferes in my moving forward even now. I sit in the fence with x. I feel safe there. Not making any commitments to him keeps me emotionally safe. I don’t have to make a decision either way. How messed up is that. Lol. Living in limbo now is my safe place I guess.

I so recognise this..

However now I realise that it was an important thing for me to go through.    I

You mention in an earlier post that you consider yourself to be reconciled with your H and yet you "sit on the fence because it feels safe"      This is what I view as reconnection because there is an element of safety in reconnection.  The communication between the LBS and MLC are better, clearer, more honest and also from differing but healthy viewpoints.   
To me reconciliation is not the "same old same old"  returned a few years later on .

Living in limbo can only last so long before you realise that decisions have to be made.  They don't need to be big ones but ones that allow you to grow.

H and I have been separated 2 years now and our relationship is better, more open and honest than before.  I will tell H my feelings, my frustrations etc and he will do the same. Before MLC, we sort of kept any intense discussion to massive major moments or events and soldiered on (possibly repressing minor feelings)

I like having my own place.  I also know that I could live with H again. I'm choosing not to for the time being. H and I are fully reconnected and I don't consider us reconciled and that's good with me.

[toomanytearss]

I should clarify. I never meant reconciled in the manner of being back together in a romantic way. We are only reconnecting. I meant reconciled in being at friends. Which I do consider him my friend. Reconciled with the end of the marriage. Reconciled to be good parents and grandparents together. And to be good to each other. We have agreed to continue that even if we never “ reconcile” in a romantic committed way. If that makes sense.
He wants to move forward to the reconciliation as is usually defined here as fully being together as a couple. That is his definition of reconciling. Mine is different and I see reconciling as where we are at. Being friends and being good to each other and working toward a better understanding of each other. Being able to enjoy our family together. I see that as huge compared to what we have been through.
If he and I were to ever find our way to a romantic and committed relationship I would not consider that reconciling. I would consider that a new relationship. I do not wish to have the relationship I had with him when we were married. I do not want to go back to that. So we will never reconcile in that manner.
It’s very confusing how I see things. I understand that. Reconciling can have a different meaning for each person. I have said that the worst part of all this was the manner in which he treated me and the kids. That is what hurt the most. That has been reconciled. And we are at a better place for it. All of that I am super happy about and at ease with.
We have all worked hard to get to this point. Putting many hurts aside and accepting that I’ll never have the full story or understanding of all this. Having to let go of as much of that as I can. The kids having to do the same. And x also having to let go and learn to accept his family who are all very different now. I do consider that reconciling although not in a romantic way.
If this is as far as we get I still consider it a very good thing and I’m content with that.
I still have moments of course where all  the past gets under my skin. I would say that’s normal. But I recognize it deal with it vent about it then put it away.
So if I use reconnected or reconciled incorrectly I do apologize. I just see the meaning of those words differently in my situation.

[Songanddance]

So if I use reconnected or reconciled incorrectly I do apologize. I just see the meaning of those words differently in my situation.

Absolutely no apology necessary.  I fully see where you are coming from and my interpretations of the words do not mean that yours are wrong or misused in any way shape or form.

I think I was trying to help you see that there is a way forward from sitting on the fence and "being safe " or in limbo.

[toomanytearss]

FYI - this has nothing to do with mlc. I just want to share a very important moment in my life.

Some of you will know about my mustang, Rain. For those that don’t a short recap. I got a wild mustang about 8 years ago and gentled her and trained her for everything except ridden work.

I learned a lot doing this. A lot about myself. And the joy I have gotten by being with this horse has been a lifesaver.


When it was time for ridden work I put her with a trainer. In short it was a disaster and I brought her back and have not had any ridden work done since then except a few rides from an experienced trainer a couple years ago. But it wasn’t my style and I stopped that.

Well a few weeks ago this young trainer from Oklahoma is here for a few months. He is working with a few horses that are stabled with my horses. I met him and watched him work those horses. He’s very talented.

I asked if he’d be willing to work with Rain under saddle but only when I’m there. He agreed. The first day he met her and spent some time with her and groomed her.  Said he had never worked with a mustang before. The next thing I know he’s saddling her up. I asked if he thought that was wise. He said she is better behaved than most domestics he works with and he can see all the groundwork has been done well with her so why not.

Well he swung on up in the saddle and she didn’t flinch. And then they started getting to work. She has had a few moments that she was resistant but he helped her through those. So far no buck no bolt no rearing. She is picking up her leads most of the time. They are opening and closing gates. Playing with her big bouncy ball. All under saddle. She is still pulling on the bit more often than not but only when there is speed. At a walk or slow trot she’s soft. He said it’s just gonna take some time for her to get more balanced and feel more comfortable.

So she’s doing super good. He told me she is gonna be a perfect trail partner for me.

But the best news - I finally got to ride my mustang. Finally. After all this time. And she is so comfortable. Like she was made for me. I’ve waited a long time. Put in a lot of hard work. It has been so worth it.

I love this horse so much. I love my gelding too but the connection is different. And Sunny is fully retired now and he doesn’t mind just hanging out with me but he’s so bossy. lol. It’s worse with his age he’s now bossy and grumpy. lol.

So this was a big milestone for me and I wanted to share. Maybe I’ll finish this dream of mine with my sweet mustang. To go out west to Wyoming where she is from and ride those trails with her. Ya never know.

[Evermore]

This is such a fabulous post TMT! I am so so happy for you! I do know what it feels like to want so badly to get to that next step in training a horse and the frustration when you can't quite manage it. It's such a great feeling when it all starts coming together (I feel a tiny bit similar in that I finally started handling work with my 7mth colt Whisky the other day. Just popped a halter on him like he'd done it a hundred times before! Such a relief to have that first bit done). Keep us updated about your journey with Rain!

[toomanytearss]

Evermore horses are just fabulous aren’t they?  We can’t have egos around them and they teach us to keep ourselves in check. Lol.

I certainly know youngsters take a lot more knowledge than I have. Lol. There is so much they have to be taught. It’s a big undertaking but I know it will be worth it and Whiskey is gonna be awesome. The bond you will have will be amazing.

[toomanytearss]

I have learned a lot from all this. Mostly about myself. I still can’t quite wrap my head around mlc. At first I knew nothing and I read and I learned. Then I believed it because I wanted to not because I fully understood it. Then I didn’t believe it at all. Then I did. Then I didn’t. Up and down. And to this day I have no idea whether he had a crisis or he was just a big ole $h!te face.

But I learned a lot about me and the way I think and the way I see the world and people.

I’ve learned most things are not strictly right or wrong. I was a big proponent of what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong type of thinking. I still lean that way and I certainly will draw a line in the sand but I’ve also learned that I can move that line either way depending on the circumstances.

I’ve learned about forgiveness. That isn’t always as straight forward as it seems and not everything needs or should be forgiven. But sometimes grace can be given when warranted.

I’ve learned to keep an eye on my own behavior first and foremost. Because I’m far from perfect I can’t expect others to be perfect either. This is where boundaries are very effective for me. Not just for others but for myself too.

I guess right now I’m learning if I want to move forward from this I have to let go of finding the reason. You know, the real reason. Was it mlc. Was he just a jerk? Was my life just a big ole lie. All those questions that no matter what he tells me I know I’ll never truly believe. I will always question it.

I guess I can only take what is presented to me now. Decide if that’s something I’m willing to put myself out there for. I still haven’t decided.

I feel terrible that I can’t decide. He has been hanging in there and trying his best. He gets better as time goes on. It’s like one step forward and 2 steps backward. He says he gets scared of offending me and ruining everything. He says he’s trying to work through that because he knows that’s not fair to me or him.

It’s all very difficult and sad. He’s me when all this started and I’m him except I’m not cheating or being a total b!tc# bag. But the power isn’t evenly distributed in this. And I know how that feels. And I’m not giving any of my power up to compensate. He’s got to step up and get rid of his fears to even this out.

He told me last night he wanted me to look at something he wanted to buy. He showed me on his phone and it was a man’s ring. I said it’s nice if you want it buy it. You don’t have to ask me. It’s a western themed ring. He said well it matters because it’s a wedding band. Me and my smart mouth asked him who he is marrying. 😏

Anyway lol.  He said he would like to have it if I wouldn’t mind. It would make him happy but he wouldn’t if it bothered me. I said it’s up to him as long as he knows I’m never wearing one. He said he understands that.

He told me that until all this happened he always believed that if I ever pulled some $h!te like this he would be done. (I’ve heard he was done and I didn’t do any of this $h!te. Lol). But after all this he knows that terrible things can happen to people. Things they can’t always control or understand. And if I lost my freaking mind he’d just wait for me to figure it out.

He said the whole time he just wanted to come home. But he was too afraid and ashamed and confused to face anything. He said he still struggles with shame. But it has gotten better since he has learned to forgive himself.

He said he’s also learned that it’s ok for me to not be perfect. To think differently and not tie his happiness to me. Do you think we were a bit codependent. Lol.

Living apart these last several years after his craziness has been the right thing. He’s had to learn to be on his own. Deal with the fact I have my own life and my own things I like to do without him. That he needs to find his own way. His own things.  Be happy with himself.  That’s been a process. It’s still difficult for him but I keep my boundaries pretty strong. I only see him a few times when he is here. I stopped going to his riding lessons. He now goes on his own.

He’s making some friends although that seems to be hard for him. But he’s trying to branch out a bit. He’s still being nice to me and the kids. I do see when he is stressed about something he gets very reserved and quiet and puts on a grumpy face. Lol. I just ignore it. Sometimes he will share what is bothering him and sometimes he says nothing. That used to bother me. I never wanted him to be upset. Weird huh?  Now I don’t worry about it. We all have struggles and it’s ok to be stressed and not want to share.

But it is sad we didn’t try and figure out this stuff when we were younger. It’s sad that all this happened and caused such pain. But life ain’t easy. And we are all flawed. And time heals. And change is hard. And lessons in life don’t come easy.

But I’ve learned through all this to really love the beautiful things in my life. A hug or a smile from my kids. How happy my little dog is when I get home from work. The joy of my horses running down the pasture to say hello. The beautiful butterflies that come every year to my bushes around the house. I live in a bird sanctuary so I get to see all these beautiful birds off all kinds just hanging around my yard. The wildflowers that grow all over here and in my yard.

It makes me smile when another driver gives me a wave when I’ve been considerate and let them in. Just all those little things in life keep me smiling and remembering how lucky I really am.