[lost88]

Thanks for the reply

She has been looking into going back to school, as well as entertaining other jobs. She’s told me countless times that this is all about her, and she hast to go through this journey alone. The finances are separated, so there’s some insulation there, but she has been enjoying herself more often. I guess I feel better knowing where her mind is versus the way things were going. At that point I was unaware, and it hurt more because I had no idea that it was such a catastrophic situation. So yes, she felt better, and I felt worse, but I’d rather not live in the dark. she has said several times that she can’t ignore how unhappy she is, even though she knows it will blow up our family. It’s something she said she hast to work through and is obviously going to take a lot of time. i’m not sure on the boundaries yet. Yes we’re still in the same bed and in the same household. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t think she has the intention of doing anything anytime in the near future. She said she needs some time to work through this. I guess unfortunate that there’s been no monitoring at all. We can have a conversation and talk for sometime about what she’s going through, her feelings, and how she just doesn’t know. Obviously I’m trying to do this less often. I am staying busy and have a couple of trusted friends I can confide in. When we’re at home, we will talk in passing and usually are in separate rooms. So I’ve been making an effort to do the things outside the home that I need to accomplish when she is home. Overall, I think I’m doing much better than I was two weeks ago. I’m sleeping better, working out, and back to a regular diet. A big part is from all the reading. I’ve done on this site and I want to thank you all.😴

[lost88]

This is where my situation seems a little bit different. She doesn’t hate me blame me or say that I’m the one that caused any of her unhappiness. She said she doesn’t have a bad word to say about me to any of our family or friends if things don’t work out. Unfortunately I’ve not seen this monster, but I guess I’m early in the process and that may happen. She’s actually a kind person. It makes me sad to watch her struggle knowing that there’s nothing I can do to help her. Thank you for the recommendation on the book I’m going to look into that as well .

[Treasur]

Well, monster may or may not come out….not all monster. Or not in words anyway. Tbh, being blunt, monster tends to rear its’ head when you say No to something they want or when real life throws a few adult curve balls, and right now, your wife is getting what she currently wants.

Your wife may normally be a kind person. But I’d suggest that what she is doing and asking of you right now isn’t very kind at all.

[xyzcf]

Not all show "monster" behavior. Mine never did towards me.

Although there are many similarities, each situation is different as well.

Remembering that their crisis is not about you and not about your marriage helps to navigate through these tough days. And it is really heartbreaking for the LBSer.

I have read a few thoughts from the person in crisis that "they felt they had to leave or they would die". They are having a major crisis of epic proportions and we unfortunately are collateral damage.

It is really hard to see this person we have loved morph into someone that we don't recognize, whose actions and behaviors go against everything that they once were. MLC seems like a very selfish and impulsive time and confusing, both for us and for the MLCer.

As Ursa said :

The reasons that the Mod-lifer has for being unhappy at 10:00 on a Friday will likely be different form those at 10:25 on Saturday if you get my meaning.

This "changing their minds" is confusing and normally, if there is a problem in our relationship, we talk, argue, find a resolution....in MLC, there is no desire to resolve whatever it is that is making them unhappy, because as I said...it's not us and not our marriage.

Their actions may not be "kind" but remembering that they are in crisis helps us to step away from the insanity and see that it isn't just to us that they have changed so dramatically. They walk away from other family members, children even pets. They build friendships with people they would never have been friends with before.

There is nothing we can do...in some respects they are "lost"..whatever caused them to go into a crisis is a real "event" that has created tremendous chaos in them...and for the ones who share what it was like for them, many will say they have no clue why they did what they did.

I don't know what to call it psychologically, but there is some kind of break in their psyches. In my mind, related to things that happened way before we ever knew them.

Take care of yourself. Talking to her about things other than your relationship is fine if you are ok with that.

You'll get lots of different advice here. You can sort through what applies and this is a time of deep reflection of who yo are and how you want your life to be.

[lost88]

The most common answer is “I’m sorry” and “I don’t know”
I do occasionally see signs that she is similar to her old self but not often around me. I think I remind her of her reality and that depresses her. I’m getting stronger each day and thank you all for the support. I almost feel bad I didn’t know this was a thing and others have been dealing with this for years …. Guess it’s my turn …
Holidays are gonna be hard to fake this year

[lost88]

Has counseling helped much with others MLC’s? Is there any hope at all ? Has anyone had success ?  Regardless of our future I’ve told her if she leaves she takes herself with her … and she knows she can’t be happy with anyone or anything until she’s happy with herself …

[xyzcf]

I have not seen "success" with counseling as usualy the MLCer doesn't think there is anything "wrong" and they do not go or continue with any counseling.

Is there any hope at all ? Has anyone had success

There are "return stories". Those posters have a pink or purple color for their icon. Many of the stories are archieved because people do not come back for long to write about their marriages.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5763.0

is a thread that people have written about returns.

At first, all I could focus on was that he had to come back but over time I learned to live with this phrase

"live as though he is never coming back"

I did feel "hope" when I read return stories, and I needed that to get through the day sometimes...gradually that hope shifts and acceptance occurs.

Yes, the holidays are really tough.

[WHY]

This is where my situation seems a little bit different. She doesn’t hate me blame me or say that I’m the one that caused any of her unhappiness. She said she doesn’t have a bad word to say about me to any of our family or friends if things don’t work out. Unfortunately I’ve not seen this monster, but I guess I’m early in the process and that may happen. She’s actually a kind person. It makes me sad to watch her struggle knowing that there’s nothing I can do to help her. Thank you for the recommendation on the book I’m going to look into that as well .

Not yet.  But if she’s in MLC.   Brace yourself.  Mine took about 6 months post BD before I saw full monster.   

[FrenchHusband]

Has counseling helped much with others MLC’s? Is there any hope at all ? Has anyone had success ?  Regardless of our future I’ve told her if she leaves she takes herself with her … and she knows she can’t be happy with anyone or anything until she’s happy with herself …

Hi lost88 and welcome in our joyous club !

You are talking about "success" I have come to the conclusion that, facing a MLC, the best is to stay humble and rethink what is a "success". IMO (opinion shared by many people here), we LBS have no positive influence on the crisis and the outcome. At worse, we can lenghten and deepen the crisis and the damages, at best, we are neutral.

I am not sure whether your question about counseling relates to IC (individual) or MC (marriage) ? I will answer assuming it is the second one, if you talk about IC, I have nothing to add to xyzcf's answer.

For MC to be successfull, you need 2 people having same goal of working on the marriage, and for an undetermined period, your W might not want to work on the marriage. As it is said here, you can not applause with one hand.

I had last July a MC, initiated by my wife. Thanks to the wise advices I got here, it was a success IMO, meaning it had no negative impact on the crisis. My wife was considering a separation before the MC (maybe expecting it). Currently she is still at home.
Baxter1 had also MC in September or October, and IMO it was also "a success" : the MC did not worsen his wife's crisis.

[lost88]

Thank you for the warm welcome but I wish we were all meeting on different terms, of course. My wife’s been very candid up to this point telling me she’s not ready for marriage counseling when she knows the issues are with herself, and she needs to figure them out first. She knows the has  issues to deal with and I give her credit for seeing it! I’m glad you’re still in the good fight. I’m trying to understand what God is trying to teach me thru this…

I’m glad your still in the fight