[Nas]

You may find things feel a little more calm once she leaves. I remember the months of living with my ex before he left, it was toxic.

If you don’t mind, I’m not sure I understand- can I ask what you meant by this:

I’m not at all surprised it’s coming to this since my wife is a very confident person.

[lost88]

She’s a very confident person. When she makes her mind up she rarely changes her position and always see things thru. Always been very Self assertive and doesn’t mince words or actions. While she knows she’s going thru something she is
Not going to back or slow down. It’s just who she is … I’ve called her the hammer .. problem is I’m now the nail 😂
I can’t wait until I’m on the other side of this ..

[Treasur]

I agree with Nas that you are probably going to find that your life feels a bit lighter when she is living elsewhere. I think we often don’t realise how draining and exhausting it is to live with these folks, like an unexploded bomb in the room lol, until we stop. You will doubtless have a whole bunch of emotions simultaneously - that’s normal - so do whatever you need to do to take good and gentle care of yourself. And enjoy the more peaceful home with no eggshells needed lol.

I know one of your biggest fears in your first post was that your kids would go with her, but it sounds as if they are staying with you and have their own opinions about her behavior? If so, that’s one bit of her magic happy picture that is not going to plan bc…well….grown up real life choices come with effects and not always the ones we like, right? Has she got that magical great new job yet? 

If I were a betting woman, confident or not, your wife will get her own life lessons that come with the new free single life she wants….she may or may not like them or learn from them, time will tell.  But it sounds as if one of them is that you are not interested in being her back up ‘friend’ - wisely imho - so her moving out is a good time for you to consider some new boundaries that work for you.

I might be wrong but it sounded as if FiL came for Xmas at MiL’s house with stepfather? Don’t be surprised if your wife expects to mirror this bc it is FOO familiar to her, hence the ‘friends’ thing, no matter how odd it might seem to others. But just keep reminding yourself that it is ok to say No thanks to this or other things. You have the right to decide what ‘separated’, or indeed ‘divorced’ if that happens, means practically to you. Once one has been fired as a spouse, doing something just bc your spouse wants or expects it is no longer the MO for most of us. Weirdly, that seems to come as a bit of a shock even to the most enthusiastic MLCer. The weak spot of their self centredness I expect is that they assume others will do what they want bc they want it but forget that other humans have their own lives, priorities and preferences….

Your kids are young adults so capable of having an independent relationship with her as they choose, for instance, so if you choose, no need to be available at the end of a text or update her about anything to do with your lives other than life threatening emergencies. And that might feel like a nice break for your nervous system too tbh  ….a bit of peace. Plus you get a free pass from spending holiday time with a difficult MiL which is a win  Most of us here initially fear them moving out as a turning point, but truthfully it can also make it easier to focus on our own recovery and healing too. You get to resign from being the nail, my friend, if you wish. And what you decide as new boundaries are the door to that.

Have you taken legal advice now that she has moved out? Any financial issues or assets where you need to protect yourself?

Do you have any nice plans or activities going on that will lift your spirits a bit?
How are you doing?
And how are your kids doing?

[Treasur]

And a PS bc I am thinking of you this morning.
I know that these last few months probably feel endless, but it is also true that it is still very early days. That means, if your story follows the textbook here, your wife’s behaviour and events might get worse before they get better bc these folks just seem to have a tremendous capacity for drama and bridge burning.

But the more important thing is to recognise that it is still early days for YOU in losing a valued wife, marriage and the old family set up. Twenty odd years does not vanish overnight…well, unless you’re an MLCer lol.
And still early days in figuring out what your own next looks like while working out the healthiest way for you and your kids to navigate through the current s$it. You will have some trial and error, some falling down and getting up, bc that is the reality of how it goes. We all did; most of us are still upright on the other side though.

So please be very kind to yourself on those days when it feels understandably awful to have to do so. That might not feel important, but it really is part of how you get your strength and spirit back.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

My W has signed a lease and moving out starting tomorrow.

Don't let this trouble you. She's been mentally checked out for a long time and this will allow you to live for you and the kids without having to deal with the poltergeist that resides in your house. The evil spirit left willingly and left you with your home. Many instances where the LBSer leaves the home to the MLCer.  Just know that right now everything is new and shiny and cool. New pad, decorate the place my way, and it goes on. Six months later, it is a dumpy apartment. Just don't get pulled into helping her out. You want to be alone, then you live alone. Don't try to be her part time helper/friend.

My MIL (whom I don’t care for) wants us to to still do holidays together but that’s not gonna work for me.

I agree with you on this and it is a personal decision. I didn't want to force a "happy" occasion or "celebrate family" where none existed. Too much anxiety and fakeness for me. Others can handle it and do quite well and I am happy for them, It's not a right or wrong thing, but something that we have to follow our own feelings in how we would feel during such an event.

I’m not at all surprised it’s coming to this since my wife is a very confident person.

I wanted to chime in and discuss the "confident" as opposed to "decisive" and "stubborn". In one of your first posts, you wrote that your wife had an affair eleven years ago. She was influenced by a group of women and that led to her choices. Confident people are not easily swayed by the influences of others. If anything, you are the more confident one as you were able to work past the affair. Affairs shatter the confidence of the non-affair partner and makes us questions every aspect of our relationship and of ourselves.

She also reads tarot cards and places faith in how pictures are interpreted by how they are dealt? Does that sound like a confident person or a person seeking justification? 
 

So please be very kind to yourself on those days when it feels understandably awful to have to do so. That might not feel important, but it really is part of how you get your strength and spirit back.

I agree on this. Your health and how you move forward these next few days. Don't let her bad decisions pull you down. Take care of you and your kids and you will be just fine.

Have an awesome day,

(((Ready)))