I don’t know if your wife is in MLC or not….time will tell…or if she is just doing a do-over of what she did 11 years ago bc it is who she is and what she does when she feels dissatisfied with her life. You will reach your own conclusions about that.
I prefer to focus less on that and more on how you are doing as the LBS in the situation as you see it bc, after all, you are the one who has come here looking for support.
Part of that imho is encouraging you to focus on the observable facts you can see and giving you a safe space to think out loud about what feels do-able or not to you and for you.
She said she doesn’t know what the future holds but wants to work a meaningful job, and may just want to be single. Claims she isn’t looking or has anyone in mind but has regrets from earlier in life and plenty of baggage she’s hasn’t dealt with.
This may be so, and it does sound as if she is looking for a ‘magic happy fix’. I’d be surprised if so but just to be open-minded, is she doing anything constructive like working with a decent IC or finding a meaningful job that looks like someone taking responsibility for dealing with their own mess or baggage? Much like you have done in coming here.
And how are your finances organised? Bc folks in search of a happy fix can spend a lot of cash and not care much about the damage that might cause others.
I’m trying to process what I have done wrong?….
You are probably a normal imperfect human….but I hope you can see that your role in her unhappy list of ‘maybe I want x or y’ has very little to do with you. Did you make her have an affair or lock her in the home afterwards or force her to do things she now regrets? Have you prevented her from having a meaningful job? Do you even know what her early baggage is let alone pack it for her? Did you hold a gun to her head to get her to marry you? No? Thought not. I’m sure you may have your own regrets or imperfections, as most of us do, but no, you did nothing wrong that caused this. This is about her, not about you. Having said that, you may find yourself deciding to take a different approach to her and your relationship from here on, given the situation, bc we LBS tend to do that as we begin to think more about our own needs.
I felt her pulling away and glad I pulled it from her. She said she feels much better it’s on the table and now I feel worse….
What do you think you have gained from ‘pulling it out of her’? Why are you glad you did? And why do you feel worse now?
I hope you can see from your own life experience that ‘pulling’ things out of people tends to result in a kind of ‘trickle truth’, that there is a fair chance that she is lying or at best not telling other ‘truths’? Bc that’s how humans in this kind of situation work, isn’t it? And truth being ‘pulled out’ tends to suggest less real remorse or holding oneself accountable for one’s own bad actions….like a teenager tbh who admits to smoking a cigarette but doesn’t tell you about the weed
And of course she feels better…..she has told you what she wants to, and now has the power and control of everyone waiting on eggshells for her next announcement. She may even feel as if you have in some weird way given her permission to keep doing what she’s doing. Has she always been a pretty entitled kind of character? Bc what struck me most about your post is that she seems to feel entitled to throw a hand grenade into your life (again, bc I guess it felt like that 11 years ago too?) and that the rest of you will just wait in line until she decides what she wants? And that,perhaps, you are thinking this way too?
All I’ve ever wanted was a family and now I may be the one that gets cut out ?…..
Please don’t run off down this mental cul-de-sac. Partly bc it’s not helpful. Partly bc it’s not accurate. Partly bc your fear of it makes you vulnerable to being manipulated. Whatever unfolds, and none of us know that yet, you are still a father to your children. You are likely going to be the only stable empathic protective parent they will have for a while bc entitled folks hunting a magic happy are rarely decent parents. Your kids are going to have their own box of confused feelings about your wife’s behaviour and they are old enough that, if you separate, you and they will have more freedom to shape their relationship with you. And navigating this s$itshow usually causes most LBS parents to dig deep and focus on their kids as they shift their focus from their spouse’s drama.
Has said she loves me and I’m her best friend and if we went our own ways she still needs me as her friend …
Well, she may. But grown ups know that actions matter more than words, and choices bring effects.
I think the biggest message I want to convey to you is that, right now, she is NOT your friend. She is not behaving like a friend or someone who loves you, at least in my definition of love. What about yours?
You get to choose…it really isn’t all about what she wants, is it, even if she thinks it is? She doesn’t have to be your enemy, but truly this woman now is not your friend….and it will help you if you can change your expectations of her accordingly imho. And start thinking less about what she wants and more about what you need and your own boundaries. (Useful aid to reflection here
https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries ) Which is normal for most LBS where you are. What do you need? What are you prepared to give? What feels doable? And what does not?
each day is torture!…..
This imho is the useful bit to focus on for yourself right now. Think of it like a kind of experiment. What is most making it feel like torture? What would need to happen for you to feel less tortured? Which bits of that are in your hands and which are not?
And I am so sorry. Without making too many assumptions, most of us here have been in your shoes at least for a period of time and it is awful. We get it. Even with time and distance, most of us would say it was the worst experience of our life. But what we can say from the other side is that it will not always feel like this, that there is a life on the other side regardless of what happens, and that there are things you can do to navigate it and temper the damage.
How are you doing on the basics? Sleep, food, exercise, work, emotional wellbeing, focusing on other small pleasures of life that have nothing to do with your wife or your marriage? What kind of support system do you have? Friends, family, a decent therapist so you have a safe place to think out loud and feel seen, heard and valued? What do you do that helps you feel just 1% better on a really bad day? How do you protect yourself and your kids from her behaviour? Where do you go and what do you do to give yourself a break from the strain of it?
We’re not in the business of telling you what to do about your marriage as it stands. We will respect whatever choice you make and try to support you in finding a way to do it that is as healthy as possible for you and your kids. And your choices may evolve as the situation evolves; that’s ok too.
What can we most usefully help you out with right now?
What do you see as your most pressing priorities?
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Topic: My story