[MomOfSteel]

Every time I try to get caught up your thread has many new posts.  I’ve been thinking about the cause of the fractured core as well lately.  I realize that though I may have lost myself (as in hobbies, knowing what I want to do with my life) I have never lost my core values.  I still make decisions based on those values and that sense of who I am and want to be.  The MLCer ex seems to be trying on new core values and grasping for something that fits.  Could the threatening divorce seems a bit like it might be a bid for you to beg him not to?  Going NC was smart and I wish I would have minimized my contact long before I did.  The dread at getting an email or a text or something of that nature still pops up now in small measure. 

[KayDee]

Hello MoS!

I’ve been thinking about the cause of the fractured core as well lately.  I realize that though I may have lost myself (as in hobbies, knowing what I want to do with my life) I have never lost my core values.  I still make decisions based on those values and that sense of who I am and want to be. 

Yes, I think it is something quite ineffable - a sense of self. Perhaps it comes with the feeling that we are lovable - lovable as we are. That gets shaken after BD, but it comes back, in my experience anyway.

Could the threatening divorce seems a bit like it might be a bid for you to beg him not to? 

I'm not sure I know. I suspect it is a form of self-destruction. Like lying in the bed he made and all that. And if he's going to lie in it, then he might as well try to make it more comfortable (i.e. not have a wife hanging around and have some funds ta boot). Honestly, right from the get go, the impression he gives is that I left him, I kicked him out. It's not just me who says this, it is others who encounter him. But, you know, shrug.  Because until he works on healing, it won't much matter what he says he wants one minute, because it will be different the next I think. I fell for that one last time   

[KayDee]

Gosh, I had to dig deep to find my thread. I don't journal much, as nothing much happens. I don't snoop either, so I have no idea what my H is up to. I've been following the thread on detachment with interest. I would say I am definitely detached from my H's antics and his emotions -a big part of that is because we are not really in contact much. So this is where distance plays it's part. But, from my end, I am still triggered and knocked off kilter when he does contact me. My very first thread was titled 'cold behaviours' because my H turned into a cold eyed stranger overnight. About 5 months in I had a period of touch and goes that lasted 6 or 7 months on and off, where he was very intimate, loving, hugging - misses this, missed that - and all kisses at the end of messages. Now he is back to the cold-man. He wants his share of the assets but does nothing to progress anything. Feels like he wants shot of me, but then?

Having lived this for a while now and with the benefit of reflection, I can safely say my H has very strong dependent tendencies, not a Dependent Personality Disorder, but definitely high up the spectrum (with a side order of avoidance). I suspect he has transferred his dependency onto OW2. As he cannot bear to be alone. Seems obvious to say that he has very maladaptive coping styles, but what I have come to realise is that, not only are these damaging to others, they also stop a person adapting (growing).  He's always had these tendencies, they just got cranked up to 11 when he fractured. I guess I find myself wondering if he will every 'grow' out of this.

Not sure why, tonight of all nights I am struggling with all this. I fear I am all out of emotional energy and compassion for him. Here I am, 20 months in, and I still find the coldness the hardest thing. What are others experience of this?

I do feel at the end of the road, but to walk away with some warmth would have been nice. Perhaps too much to ask in the world of MLC?

[One day at a time]

I'm not sure that strange feeling about how the spouse changed, their coldness, etc ever goes away..
I'm 6 and a half years out, I moved on with my life, I have no contact with xH and yet, there's a part of me that really struggles with how the marriage ended. I don't want my old life back, I'm a different person now but the fact that I'm not able to square that circle still bothers me and it probably always will. I guess I need to work on accepting that the strange feeling will stay with me forever. 

[MadLuv]

 I think for me it is just not how I have treated anyone in my life that has been significant.  When my daughter died I received a card in the mail from my high school boyfriend on how terribly sorry he was and that I have been on his mind so much.  He is happily married. He was just being kind to someone that meant something significant in his life. That’s how it should be. Somehow the fact that I can still depend on old boyfriends to care and have empathy and treat me with respect, but my H of 30 years can’t?

It is the hardest thing. I wish we could be on respectful friend terms like we agreed to do, but like my therapist said, what he has done and continues to do with his lies to you, the children and even his new wife and kids made that impossible from the beginning.  The only way would be for him to leave her and have accountability .  I held my breath for over 2 years for that. I have to breathe freely again. 

You are about to end the 2 years mark and the 3rd year is much better. NC  does help with detachment. It allows you to put yourself first. It definitely changed everything for me. We do it for us to heal only when we have no choice. 

[Biscuit]

I'm 25 months in, so time wise I'm very similar to you KD. Our situations are different because I have loads contact with W, which was mainly about the kids initially but now is also about other stuff in life. I'm regularly hit with a WTF reaction (from me) of her coldness, often straight after a WTF  regarding kindness or a selfless act from W. I, like you, find the coldness incredibly hard - but maybe because it's mixed in with doses of warm behaviour. As an example - the other day I was welcomed in to the house much the same as I was before BD - with a hot meal, a drink and a smile. I took D12 out for a little while and on returning I rang on the door and was met with a half smile / half snarl and a see you later. I struggle with this coldness too - it's like 2 separate people inhabit her body sometimes - but I guess I'm detached enough to not let it worry me too much - and the nice W is showing up way more than the cold one.

The whole MLC is pretty disarming though eh? I can't imagine a time in the future when I'm not left thinking WTF from time to time!

[KayDee]

Thank you OneDay, Madluv and Biscuit - so grateful for my virtual HS friends. Not sure why yesterday this all hit me again. I do wonder if these slumps, or down periods, mark for me a phase from one passage to the next. Not sure. I suppose in the geological era that is MLC I am not long after the big bang   - google tells me it is called Hadean, which sounds about right  So thank you for allowing me to roll over another WTF. Intellectually, I suspect we all know that the their behaviour is at best selfishly all about them, at worst, bat$h!te crazy damaging, but when you are in the orbit of it, it can still trigger the emotional parts. My therapist keeps reminding me that my H is a man trying to keep a lid on a whole load of bad bubbling up stuff - a stew of nastiness he added his own seasoning too with his bad choices - and that it will keep oozing out of the sides. That his 'formal', cold behaviour, is part of this 'lid' -  his 'keeping it together' face. I do know this, but it is hard to feel it. I know it's not personal, but wow, it often feels that way, right?  However I slice it, deliberate or not, the damage is  huge.

I know I need to break the bond that is the things we still formally share. Then contact will have less sting of control. But my, it is hard to do all this at once right? Keep enjoying your life, heal, exercise, keep a house maintained, function at your job, be a good friend and family member AND have a clear eye about separating the life stuff of a long marriage. My heart goes out to all of you with young children. I can't imagine how you add all that to the mix. But we all do come through, and I suppose that makes us, here, the people with healthy coping skills. We are lucky in this respect, we can adapt in a healthy way.

[titleholder]

Good to see your update. Our timelines are really similair too (I’m 24 months in) and I still remember reading your first post in the waitingroom of relationship therapy with my xH.

Everything you say I can relate to; the cold behaviours, the hot and cold, the total change of the persona but also in hindsight seeing an avoidend person who still isn’t capable of dealing with their emotions and bumps in life in a healthy kind of way.

I really admire the way you are dealing with everything and the journey you are on! You’re doing really well KD!

[KayDee]

Hello TH - I admire your strength and have been following along your journey with you. What's it like the other side of 24? Send encouraging smoke signals From the 20 Up Club (hey kids, that months, not years, like the S Club Seven of MLC) (other, newer, kid bands are available, I'm sure) I am definitely much, much calmer. Generally content with my life, lots of joy, lots going on. In fact, I would say that there are many new elements in my life now that I really love and would never have had if not for The Crisis. I keep hoping that I will no longer be triggered by messages from my H, because they set me back, and it feels like such a waste of emotional energy. Energy I could be putting into other people I care about. But maybe I am just impatient. If I didn't love him so deeply, maybe I wouldn't be triggered. That's the price of loving another, I suppose. And of feeling one's feelings, which is what the crisis person is burying. I do sometimes feel like burying my own head in the sand, it's exhausting. But I know the best move is to roll up my sleeves and get on with it  - time to Deal not Feel (need that on a t-shirt).

Yes, the avoidant person has a pattern built throughout life. Avoiding those bumps, until they eventually swerve into a tree.

[UrsaMajor]

What you'll likely find in retrospect is that the triggers are not as hard and the results not as long lasting as the used to be. This is part of the process.... The waves get less and less and you return to equilibrium faster.....