[forthetrees]

That explains the mask, the anxiety, the addictions, the lack of true intimacy and the good guy persona vs the guy. Thank you.

[WHY]

I watched RCR's latest vid and she mentioned 10% of adults go through midlife crisis.  I've seen this 10-12% figure cited in multiple places.

But it got me thinking.  If 10% of people go through MLC, that means 20% of all marriages go through MLC.  And we know that most MLC situations end up in divorce (I dont know the exact statistic but I've heard RCR mention 50%+).

So taking into account that 50% of marriages end up in divorce in the US.  That leads me to believe that probably 15%+ of that 50% divorce rate is due to MLC. 

That's a pretty big cause of peoples lives being destroyed, children being damaged etc.  Why isnt MLC recognized as a public health issue???

EDIT: Holy smokes I just found this, "Just 4% of couples divorce after 10 years of marriage." https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/common-causes-divorce/

What does this mean Re: MLC???  I bet 99% of that 4% is due to MLC if 20% of marriages are affected by MLC.  But does that mean reconciliation rates are much higher than we think?

[KayDee]

But it got me thinking.  If 10% of people go through MLC, that means 20% of all marriages go through MLC. 

Not everyone is married or in a partnership though WHY

[WHY]

But it got me thinking.  If 10% of people go through MLC, that means 20% of all marriages go through MLC. 

Not everyone is married or in a partnership though WHY

Good point. 

It's clear to me though that a larger % of divorces in later years are due to MLC.  Probably much higher than we think.

https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Ftmht2gj51ua51.jpg

[forthetrees]

Limerence article from nytimes today

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/27/style/limerence-addiction-love-crush.html?unlocked_article_code=1.Q00.4Kit.aAuskKEwOydB&smid=url-share

[Ready2Transform]

Limerence article from nytimes today

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/27/style/limerence-addiction-love-crush.html?unlocked_article_code=1.Q00.4Kit.aAuskKEwOydB&smid=url-share

This is a good one. I really believe that BD throws us into our own limerence (I'm sure there's a clinical reason for this), with a tendency to idealize our spouses and overly ruminate on them in a way that we never did before. Acknowledging that this is just our brains trying to prepare and protect us from more BDs and trauma, and using some of the techniques these sorts of articles suggest really does help, over time, in returning to our healthier selves.

[Reinventing]

RTT, that was really interesting to read. I know it is describing the MLCer and OW/OM, but I also think it can describe the LBS and MLCer. It definitely sounds like an addiction.

During the worst of the emotional part for me, I read about addiction and healing from addiction because I recognized that I had patterns that felt like an addict--my mind was always going back to him, I couldn't focus, restlessness since I wasn't getting my fix, the rollercoaster of emotions, etc. I'm not saying that there wasn't good reason for my response since we had been married almost 30 years. I'm saying that my response, the yearnings, the complete focus of my mind, felt like I what I've read about addiction.

That is why the MLCer rollercoaster was so very hard for me be attached to and I needed to detach from that and find my own footing.

Dr. Brewer added, “Dopamine is jet fuel. It’s what gets us motivated to do something” — even if doing something only means anticipating. The uncertainty, or intermittent reinforcement, of the occasional message from the LO keeps our brains hooked. “It’s gasoline poured on the fire,” said Dr. Brewer. We begin to mistake anxiety for excitement and excitement for joy.

[xyzcf]

Very good article. I think this is why I have found yoga and golf helpful...for when doing those things, my mind is quieted and my focus is on the "practice".

I remember being consumed by thoughts of him all the time. It was exhausting.

The memories do come back, how can they not and I dream of him which is pretty well out of my control.

Being aware of my response and flipping it helps. So rather than recoiling from a memory, I embrace it as the good time it once was.

My understanding of EMDR (which I have not done) is that it separates the emotion/feeling of the memory or thought from the event. So the memory is still there but not the intense feelings that are experienced when a "trigger" hits.

I wonder if some of the psychedelics that are being used therapeutically do something similar in the brain?

Thanks for sharing.

[WHY]

While I like the article, I did notice these gems:

“There’s a fair amount of mental time travel,” said Dr. Poerio, who asked survey respondents to write descriptions of these fantasies. “It’s often not romantic or sexual in nature. It is very much about wanting to feel loved and cared for.”

If the trigger is loneliness or boredom, for example, the resulting behavior is anticipating reciprocity from the LO, added Dr. Brewer.

So if I had to share this article with my MLCer, she’d say “exactly!”  You never loved or cared for me.  You made me feel lonely because you weren’t there for me etc etc. 

So while this is not true.  This article states these are the triggers. No mention of childhood attachment wounds which make some people experience limerance in the first place…..

[Ready2Transform]

It's complicated, since that won't be the catalyst for everyone, but I hear you. But in the MLC/limerent mind, they'll paint their content marriage as "boring" once they have all of these neurotransmitters and hormones activated by the limerence. And it could be that low testosterone or low estrogen may be numbing them to everything around them (not just us), and therefore we "feel" boring. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. They want excitement for whatever reason, and their brains find it in the easiest way possible, i.e. the obsession with the rando that's infiltrating our lives.