This article was in my newsletter today, as I’ve been mulling over lost time and the idea that it’s too late to ever catch up (inspired in part by Acorn’s post on her thread).
https://psyche.co/ideas/three-ways-to-get-in-touch-with-your-shadow-self?utm_source=Aeon+Newsletter&utm_campaign=cc3fe24374-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2024_07_03&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_-0f6af19dd8-%5BLIST_EMAIL_ID%5DAfter BD, when I first started reading about MLC, I heard the word “shadow” over and over, and I found it was often spoken about like it was some temporary thing that came and went, that only showed up in those who were “in crisis” and that after the crisis, the shadow self “went away.” It often felt to me like a denial of part of the person; they “became” selfish and cruel during crisis and after crisis they will go back to being kind and loving. When in reality, that selfish part was always there, and it doesn’t just show up and then disappear. We all have a shadow self, and through life, as we grow into ourselves with self-awareness, self-acceptance and introspection, it gets integrated – things are acknowledged, felt without shame, and get expressed in healthier ways. But I truly believe (because I've seen it) that in some people, it’s forever an all or nothing divide; the shadow either gets completely denied in an unhealthy suppression, or it completely takes over in a hedonic free for all.
“It is often easy to point fingers at those who repel us and to think how awful they are. But sometimes you might find that they are acting as a kind of mirror, reflecting back qualities you find abhorrent, but that you actually possess yourself, as uncomfortable and unwelcome as that idea might be.”
My former husband used to tell me, with seething disgust, that I was “too generous.” It wasn’t generosity he was really talking about at all. He saw in me something I denied in myself so that it manifested in unhealthy behavior: I gave too much my entire self and everything I had to give, material and otherwise, to people who were only there to take.
It was the reason he chose me, and also the reason he hated me. What he hated in me was my need to matter and to be cared about, and my desire to have meaningful, not just surface level, relationships with others. I denied that part of myself. He saw it, and he hated me for it with absolute fiery passion. It was part of my shadow self, and denying it is consequently what made me prey to people (like him) who zoned in on it and used it to their advantage.
I was discarded for the same reasons I was chosen. That sounds like a simple statement but it was a major revelation for me at one point because it pointed to something in me that had to change. The way other people see us is about them – that is true. I could easily have said he’s just a narcissist and I am a good person and that is that, and then continued on denying parts of myself, denying my true needs and wants, or feeling shame for feeling anger or sadness at the unfairness of how I’ve never had and won’t ever have my needs met. Basically continuing living a life where I want to matter but beating myself up for wanting to matter. But in life I’ve learned that nothing is ever what it appears to be upon closer inspection. Sometimes it’s best to just not inspect too closely and just “be in the moment,” but in a sense, maybe sometimes it can be insightful to pay attention to the ways people relate to us – what brought us to each other’s lives, the dynamics we have, how they describe us, the words they use that can be complimentary and uplifting or cruel and cutting, even how and why they like us or don’t like us, respect us or don’t respect us, love us or hate us – NOT as ‘true’ or ‘false,’ ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’ but to look at what it might be rubbing against in us and what it can teach us about ourselves, the things we are afraid to look at or admit. I’ve had to look at a lot of things that are hard to look at, and accept things that are hard to accept, but not doing so would keep me forever in denial.
Maybe none of that makes sense, but Robert Smith always makes sense, so here you go:
https://youtu.be/XP6IeFi57bw?si=2YuPXQspPleEautS
The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you shall be free. ~ Margaret Atwood