[Localhero22]

Well, where do I start with this one. First time post on this forum so please be kind and signpost me gently if I’m doing anything incorrectly.

Me - I’m a 59 YO guy with a 16 year marriage, a 14 YO daughter from this marriage and a 26 YO son from a long first marriage. I’m in a highly paid niche professional role so no money worries, do lots of voluntary work and have a small circle of long standing male friends. Great house, cars, exotic foreign holidays and experiences - I thought I had it all but boy was I wrong !

My MLC wife turned 50 this year. She’s a highly respected and well known psychologist and again well paid doing purely private work.
It’s her second marriage and she ended her first marriage amicably I’m told as her first husband didn’t want kids. Her father was abusive as a child and left her and her mother when she was young. Her mother was also very young when she passed due to chronic illness and she was brought up by her maternal grandparents in a very strict manner as they were Jehovahs Witnesses. She thus had a childhood with few friends, was ostracised, lived plainly and never celebrated birthdays, Xmas etc. She escaped the home and renounced her faith at 17 and moved to London where in a few short years she became a HR director for a major city firm before she was 30. For reasons I still don’t fully understand and have never learned she gave up this city high life and shifted back to the north of the UK and married her first husband and successfully retrained as a psychologist.

When I met her and for the first 14 years she has been the sweetest person I have ever met - kind, helpful to anyone, empathetic, spiritual and she would literally light up the room with her smile when she came in to a room. We have had to endure an enormous number of issues during our marriage - the deaths of all of her close surviving relatives in the last 5 years during which time I have supported her to look after some of them at their end of life stage in our own home, deaths in my own family, her setting up in private practice after her leaving the NHS during which time I supported her financially, a difficult pregnancy and prolonged return to work again during which I supported her, a traumatic experience with awful neighbours forcing us to move house and my own ill health following a work related accident which left me close to death and taking 2 years off work to recover.

I noticed the changes starting around 2 years ago when she started to see excessive numbers of patients ( and I’m not talking mild depression here - she specialises in the really unwell individuals in our society and the most serious cases ). She started to take patient calls in the evenings and on family holidays. Allied to this she took over an animal charity and the time spent doing this has increased exponentially to the point of 3 or 4 hours daily after finishing work, on weekends and again family holidays. During this time she has spent less and less time with daughter and myself, our family holidays have become a trial to be endured due to her activities and most of her free time has been spent on these. Her relationship with her daughter has changed and daughter has constantly complained that mum doesn’t listen to her, doesn’t spend time with her, ignores her wishes and forces her to do things against her will. In addition she has treated daughter like a patient, constantly therapising and medicalising her and I haven’t seen any of that motherly love there used to be. She has been aggressive to daughter at times and has become incredibly selfish, uncaring, she has lost all her spirituality and calmness and has become aggressive, confrontational and at times abusive. There have been numerous grand ideas and projects, none of which have succeeded such as living on a remote island, buying land, developing a run down cottage and buying unviable businesses in beautiful yet remote locations. For the last 2 years I have more or less run the whole household, parented our daughter, looked after the pets as well as paying all the household bills and expenses - her contribution has been zero.

This all came to a head several weeks ago. I was very unwell and bedbound for a couple of days and despite calling for help she refused to assist me and she told me to go to my GP. I was left crying in bed, wet myself and unable to move and she refused to help me in any way. The following day she got up early, got daughter up early and got her to pack and took daughter up to Northumberland promising to return the day after. During that time I subsequently discovered she had called the police, GP, school etc telling them all that she had escaped the property due to violence by myself and of a toxic 16 year marriage and relationship which she had been trying to escape for years ! Daughter was returned 5 days later (daughter described this as being kidnapped by mum ) and she then advised that she wanted a divorce and that she would now be living elsewhere.

She returned to our property on three occasions during which time she was extremely verbally abusive to both me and daughter, told daughter that she disowned her and she was my daughter and not hers and made all kinds of threats to me saying I had ruined her life, that she was going to bring me down, get me and interestingly that the police were going to get me. During all of this I never raised my voice once, refused to get angry or abusive and actually helped her to load up her pick up with her things.

Within a week she had started divorce proceedings, removed me from her will and as her next of kin, redirected her mail and made al, her and our friends aware of the awful marriage she has had, not a single good thing to say about me to the point where I have felt like a mass murderer and I have been accused of domestic violence, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, gaslighting and even financial abuse which is laughable given her nil contribution towards the household costs. Many of her friends have been through traumatic divorces so are actively supporting her and encouraging her.

We had a family holiday booked and she refused to go so I took daughter on my own. When we arrived at the Airbnb we didn’t have the code to enter as my wife had this and despite both me and daughter calling she wouldn’t answer the phone and we had to walk a mile in snow and sub zero temperatures to get help. During the holiday I got a text asking for ID from an estate agent and on ringing the UK the agent told me that my wife had instructed the sale of the family home (the property is in my name with her interest registered) and she had arranged for photos etc and had even enlisted her first husband to jet wash all the outside patios and decking and stonework !

A short while after this and back at home daughter advised mum that she didn’t want to live or stay with her, she didn’t feel safe with her due to her behaviour resulting in a furious and aggressive argument and daughter being literally kicked out of the car on the driveway.

Two weeks back I answered the door to two police officers who arrested me for harassment of my wife. Taken in to custody despite advising the police that daughter would not go with mum if mum attempted to collect her from school. Several hours in a police cell then interviewed under caution with a solicitor present and subsequently released without charge on bail pending further investigation. Turns out the harassment consisted of a number of emails over a period of 7 weeks offering to help her, expressing concern etc - not a single word of abuse or threats or coercion however she found these harassing apparently. During this time mum did indeed arrive at school to collect daughter and daughter refused to leave with her resulting in a 90 minute and stand off on school premises following daughter absconding on to a busy A road, mum chasing her in her pick up truck around back streets yelling and shouting and daughter seeking refuge eventually in a friends house and following a siege of the property by my wife the police being called, statements given by my daughter and the friends parents about my wife’s behaviour and daughter being taken in to protective custody by police and discharged to safety of my son.

My daughter does not now want any contact whatsoever with my wife - no calls, letters, texts, gifts or presents for Xmas. My daughter has been an absolute star - she has been interviewed by the police, social services, the GP and school all independently of me and she has told them all about wife’s behaviour and her unwellness and that she wants to live with me permanently. All the agencies have confirmed that they are happy with this and that wife is unwell.

At this stage therefore I’m in no man’s land waiting for the police or CPS decision and dealing with the divorce paperwork. However I am safe, my daughter is safe, the bills are paid however I’m left wondering just what the hell has happened here and who is this woman that I married and loved - I simply don’t recognise her any longer and neither does my daughter, son or mother - it is literally like Jekyll and Hyde !

Incidentally I have seen via third parties that she has been posting of her traumatic time on social media together with pictures of her in exotic hotels all over the UK, driving around in my Porsche with the top down etc - she has a pick up truck of her own but kindly took my Porsche also which she has not returned.

Thoughts, comments and advice please ….

[forthetrees]

Wowza- this is beyond the shenanigans of even wild MLCers. I am sorry that your life has blown up in such a dramatic fashion.
The silver linings- you have corroboration that it is she not you that has lost the plot
                        - she has left the home - please get that date in writing if possible
                        - you and D are in the home and safe
                        - you are seeking help
                        - D knows that you are the stable parent

Well, I would report the car stolen unless it´s in her name as well.

She´s so far off the rails that a MRI and CT scan and blood work would be reasonable. Perhaps you can request that before any kind of supervised visitation as she may request that. Early onset dementia, brain tumor, thyroid unbalanced, viral or bacterial infection that has gone into her brain. This sounds far more extreme than depression.

So that you can look your daughter in the eye and tell her that you tried your best to get her Mom help, you could reach out to social services and see if the medical interventions are possible. With someone so unpredictable, volatile and physical you are off the hook for taking care of her physically or working on any kind of reconciliation. It really sounds like it belongs in the hands of a professional.

For you and your daughter, the path of your own healing is a go-to destination. Therapy, exercise, nature, healthy food, good sleep hygiene, hugs, humor and a good cry.

[Baxter1]

I second that wowza! Sorry this is where you are in life. Glad that you and your daughter are ok.
For advice, sounds like you are in contact with a lawyer so that’s good. Other than that I don’t think there’s anything you can do. She’s on this journey, just keep your head down. I’ve been on this journey since 3/23 so I’m sure some who are more experienced than I can give you more advice. I just want you know that you’re doing good and you’ll get through this. Sorry you are here!

[xyzcf]

Sorry you are going through this...so hard to comprehend the change in this person we love.

I know of at least one other man whose wife accused him of domestic violence..on top of everything else it was a huge problem....eventually resolved for him.

You will find much support here. This defies any logic and you cannot talk "any sense to them".

[Treasur]

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you all.

How is your health right now, given your history? Please don’t underestimate the effect of this kind of stress on your system. Don’t be too bloke-y about it, get yourself a full check up bc your daughter needs you hale and hearty. Sleep, food, exercise….all the basics, how are you doing with those? Bc cortisol and Adrenalin can do a number on us. Most LBS at your stage find the basics suffer….but this is something you can do practical things to temper….we all get a bit of an unwanted PhD on the mind/body link through this experience lol.

I would also encourage you to get an IC who understands the effects of trauma. For you, definitely and for your daughter if she is willing. Your head must be spinning and full of WTF and imho you need a safe place to vent and feel heard and think out loud safely and learn how to calm your mental monkeys. This is no reflection on your strength or capacity as a person….it is acceoting that what has happened is so beyond the pale that it’s very unlikely life has given you the necessary toolbox for it. Ditto for your girl. Right now, I suspect you are both in survival mode and may feel too overwhelmed to think about your longer term toolbox, but a decent IC in this situation is a bit like taking the car to the garage when you hear that first clanking sound rather than waiting for its’ next service date. What you have both experienced is a profound trauma at multiple levels….a real shaking of your previous reality….and imho the more you can call it what it is, the easier it is to navigate the effects without it devolving into something like PTSD, depression or engrained anxiety.

As others have said here, although your wife really went for it on multiple fronts in her unravelling - and as you say, the very extremeness of that has brought some advantages in your situation which not all LBS who get a slower boil might have - much of the individual behaviours are not uncommon or unknown here. Including her claims of domestic violence sadly. Rage, discarding, contempt, threats, manipulation, lies, theft, financial deceit….and ra ra social media, flashy holidays and, I’m afraid to say, an affair partner or two bc they tend not to go solo on those flashy dinners and vacations. I don’t know if it is any comfort to you that none of us here think you are nuts and all of us here have seen at least some of what you describe, even if not condensed into such a brutally speedy hurricane. But we do, we have and we get it.

I don’t know how active your mental monkeys are about trying to diagnose your wife, explain her behaviour or wonder if you have any contribution to it or can do anything to fix it? If they are, you’re not alone in that either….thats both a normal human response as a long term spouse and a normal way traumatised brains work in default. Imho MLC is a shorthand label which describes a kind of profound and disordered fracturing and it exists on a spectrum, but whatever caused this in your wife, the seeds were sown long before you even met her. From the cheap seats, it is pretty common for LBS with time to cast a more questioning eye over the previous patterns in their marriage and in that person’s behaviour regardless of our previous happiness with them. (And indeed with our own…so, for instance, I don’t know how big a gap there was between the end of your first marriage and your relationship with her, or what you were looking for when you found each other.) Again, from the cheap seats fwis, your description of your wife’s history before and with you, throws up some question marks about her own unfinished business and patterns in how she deals with difficult things. That unexplained dash up north, how she approaches her work, a certain level of entitlement and self centredness perhaps, a hunt for external magic happy fixes……she may have turned up the volume to 11, but I found myself wondering if she has a pattern of running, blaming and big dramatic fixes….

Again jmo, but your daughter’s current wish to minimise her exposure to her mother right now sounds very wise and healthily self-protective. A wise head on young shoulders. That may or may not change with time and events, but all you can do is show your respect and love by supporting her current choices the best you can. A decent IC may also be very helpful in helping you think aloud about the challenges that may arise in supporting your daughter and being an active stable safe parent for her through this turmoil.

You sound like a smart capable man, so I’m assuming you have a decent lawyer with some experience of high conflict slightly bonkers divorces…and that given the situation, your lawyer, police and social services are all advising you to have no direct contact with your wife at all. For your own protection, I would encourage you strongly to do that. For your own sanity, I would encourage you to shut down even indirect contact like third party information or social media links and to block her on your phone etc etc. Let any future communication go via your lawyer and hers. I don’t know if you have already taken steps to separate any joint financial arrangements or limit your exposure to her spending….if not, please take legal advice on the best way to do this. And I would instruct your lawyer to tell her lawyer that she needs to return the car if it is in your name only by a certain date and that if she does not you will report it as stolen. The same kind of formal but safe arrangements will need to be made for her to have a date to access the house to pick up her personal items - when you are not present but a trusted third party like your lawyer is. And if your lawyer says it’s ok, please change the locks. And notify her lawyer that you have cancelled or removed her as a beneficiary on any life insurance and your own will. Bc these folks can feel entitled to act in ways that we find unimaginable and create chaos and drama over a pin. I appreciate that some of these actions may feel quite extreme and a bit like one of those Dateline type shows but it’s important to think of something like a duck if it quacks like a duck, even when it makes no sense to us at all to see a duck. Neither you or your daughter need more drama or chaos or abuse or risk of further threats or damage. And it’s ok to say No to it regardless of what anyone else thinks.

And please be prepared that it is not at all unusual that - inconceivable as it might seem - your wife’s behaviour may get much worse as some of her reality bites in any legal process or the fallout of her current choices in her own life. Don’t be too afraid, but don’t discount your own gut about this….put your and your daughter’s physical and emotional safety first as an absolute priority. There is help and support out there for your wife’s troubles if she chooses to seek it out, but it is not you….you did not cause this and you cannot fix it, way beyond your pay grade, way beyond your obligations in the current situation. You may still feel some love and concern…and that’s ok…but do it from a safe distance with a level of sensible detachment. And tbh, your plate is already pretty damned full looking after you and your daughter, isn’t it?

Now that you have outlined your situation, how can we best help? What do you need? What do you see as the priorities for you and your daughter?

[Akkie1973]

Oh boy, this is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard since I entered MLC land. I’m worried about your D14. Is she getting help? I have a D14 as well. She has mental problems bc of her father’s behavior. He was just having an affair, nothing so out of control as your W. But nevertheless it had a huge impact on her. She is getting therapy. Unfortunately she isn’t able to go to school.

Right now you are the only parent for your D14. Shower her with love, bc her mother has abandoned her. Wish you all the best.

[UrsaMajor]

I am in agreement with Forthetrees - This seems like something well beyond any "normal" MLC (if one can call anything about MLC normal).

May seem like an odd suggestion but, if she really has left the house, changing the locks might be a very good idea because she does sound like she is a real "bunny boiler" a la the movie "The Hand that Rocked the Cradle"

I also agree about reporting the car as being stolen. If she is as off as it sounds, her having a wreck is not outside the realm of chance and, if it is your car, guess whose insurance is going to get hammered.....

Other than that, Treasur has covered the basic "get your happy rear and that of your D14 into your storm cellar and batten down the hatches" stuff. 

In my tagline is a link to the Survival Guide for Newbies which may have some helpful information for you.

[Localhero22]

Thanks to all of you for your kind input and advice here, it is very much appreciated I assure you - more from the perspective of ‘wow, I’m not alone in all of this and it’s not just me ‘.

I have to say that I have dealt with some pretty tough stuff in my time - that includes being at the brink of death 6 times in my life, the last one being 5 months ago when I nearly bled out with internal bleeding following a botched stomach op and was dragged into resus on blues and twos. Prior to that I was even given the wrong meds pre-op on another occasion and was left on the table fully conscious but totally paralysed and I was wishing for death to take me. So when you have been to the point and accepted death then most other $h!te in your life is relatively minor.

She’s been told not to visit the family home by my solicitor in writing - lawyer to our US friends, nor to contact me or my daughter. Firstly to protect us and secondly as I’m on bail with a no contact condition there’s a real risk that I may get end up arrested again and thrown in to jail before being brought to court.

Despite this she has been down to the house twice and in the house once when I wasn’t there. She’s got her lawyer to write to me today giving notice that she wants to collect things we have stored in the roof space at 8am tomorrow morning- I got that at 3pm today so my lawyer has dashed off a reply to her lawyer not to attend the house. She’s also been texting D too again which she has been asked not to do. In any event the doors will be locked and barred tomorrow morning and not answered and I’m pretty sure she’s going to turn up again.

It is like all sound reason and sanity has gone - and this woman is a top specialist psych who’s an expert in her field of practice ! There is simply no reasoning or sense to any of this at all.

D already has counselling and support both in the form of school and also CAMHS - not sure what the US equivalent is but it’s the adolescent mental health support team - she is awaiting a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome which I have too.

I will keep you posted as I’m expecting Christmas to be a major crunch time for her so I need to be incredibly wary and careful - no family there for her on Xmas day, no gifts, no presents, no daughter, husband, stepson or mother in law, no dogs - nothing in fact bar her loyal friends. And it’s the anniversary of her own mother’s death 2 days before Christmas Day too. So I’m expecting fireworks in one shape or another.

[FrenchHusband]

Wow, localhero, I guess you should have chosen the name worldwidehero. And your daugther ! You are blessed to have her and that she is still with you and protected from the big hurricane.

I don't know whether there is a special prize to the worst crisis, looks to me you got the title for 2023. And thanks to share your story here, it helps me to relativise my own story.

From another perspective, as I am a believer your story reminds me these words : And God is faithful; he will not let you be tested beyond what you can bear. But when you are tested, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1Corinthians 10-13

I hope you the best for you and your daughter, please continue to post here.

[Treasur]

What’s the enforceable consequence, if any, of her ignoring instructions from your lawyer not to contact you or visit the family home, hero? Sadly, when folks unravel like this, their entitlement and emotional reactivity seems to go off the scale so I’m sure you are right to expect future drama. But, especially given your bail conditions created by her false claims, you and your daughter are entitled to not live under seige, of course. What does your solicitor suggest….do you need to file an emergency restraining order? And does your daughter feel able to block her on her phone so no more texts get through? And has your solicitor given you the ok to change the locks just in case? Difficult as it is, if you have good neighbours, have you notified them about the basics of the situation bc good neighbours can work better than webcams?

In my own situation, years ago now, I received ‘anonymous’ death threats to burn the house down or get me beaten up and faeces on the doorstep. At that time I was living in our small house in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere in Norfolk. I don’t think I slept properly for a couple of years after that. What I remember most is how surreal it felt. I did all the sensible things I could do - and am still here to tell the tale lol - but I still remember a kind of out of body feeling when I found myself talking to the police and a very sympathetic DV lady about it. A ‘how on earth is this happening to ME, how on earth did I end up here’ feeling. And how one can normalise living in fear too, bit by bit….and sometimes that can be insidious enough to affect one’s decision making in strange ways. I think, looking back, even though intellectually I knew it wasn’t so, I felt ashamed and weakened by being a victim and worried that everyone would think I was nuts or delusional. I described it to friends as being like waking up on a normal morning, pulling the curtains back and finding zombies on my lawn that no one else seemed to see. Truly surreal.

As I am writing this, I am trying to think about my own big useful lessons from it in case they are useful to you and your daughter. Although of course you may not feel the way I felt, so comes with caveats lol. I think the biggest one was to place an absolute and immovable priority on my own safety. Safety with a capital S. if anything felt unsafe - and my body knew when I did regardless of what my intellect rationalised - there had to be a bloody good reason for me to do it. And I did things differently, big and small, for no reason other than they made me feel Safer. It was important I think to say a big loud internal No to anyone’s right to make me feel afraid regardless of the reasons AND to resoect the reality that I did in the moment. A weird kind of balancing act between This is Not My Normal and This is How It Currently Is, if that makes sense. Again, with the gift of hindsight, I did not realise I think how unsafe I felt, and how I’d adjusted to it, until some time later when I realised I felt safe again. I learned to value highly anything that made me feel just a little bit Safer and a little bit calmer….tbh that sense of appreciation for small things has stayed with me even now.

Your health history sounds very gruelling….although as you say brings some resilience and perspective too. What are you doing to look after your own physical and emotional health bc that sounds as if it might be very important?

Talking about Christmas, I was thinking about you and your daughter after my last post. I don’t know what your usual festive traditions are, but obviously that is going to be tricky to do this year. Have you considered doing something quite different with your daughter that takes you away from home, somewhere you can both breathe out for a few days, somewhere that does not feel like battening the hatches behind a locked door? Something that is so obviously different that there are no haunting comparisons or where you can both be distracted by the new? Teenagers come with teenage tastes, of course, but they can also find delight in new distractions and small delights. It may not be what you feel you both need and it may not be practically appropriate….but something Safe, Shiny and New might be a chance to recharge both your batteries. Just a thought.