[Inanna]

Alrighty... I've been reading on this forum for a while. It's time to share my story. Sit back, relax and take out the popcorn 
But I really don't know how to put it all into words, so it might be a multiple-post story, but I'll give it a try for this first post.

—

It was one evening, October 7th, 2023, so my BD is about 2,5 months ago.
Eeeek, I'm still very much at the beginning of my journey, ain't I? 

We were getting ready to get to sleep.
And I had this nagging feeling... AGAIN... that something was off. He felt so distant, uninterested, emotionally unavailable, and it has been going on for several months now, if not longer, but more subtle at first. And this time, I just knew I wasn't going to be able to go to sleep without getting answers.

And so I asked him (AGAIN!). And he started making excuses (AGAIN!): tired, stress at work, father is ill (cancer), need time for myself, yadayadayada...
I shared with him what I felt and kept pushing because I knew that he was making excuses. It felt very "off" (I know him for 23 years!) and this time, I didn't want to give him the benefit of the doubt anymore. No more!

He became defensive. Really bugged by my questions. That's when I realized there WAS something OFF, for sure!
And so I bluntly asked him: "Do you even want to be with me anymore?"
And he immediately said: "Well, maybe WE should think about it." (As if he didn't know the answer already.)

Of course, I was still shocked by what he said.
You know, I knew there was something off, but not in a million years I would've thought our marriage was on the verge of collapse.
I didn't say anything and he just continued: "Well, I guess I'll tell you everything now."
HUH? WHAT?
And that's when my body already reacted before I could register the words.
"I've met someone four months ago and I want to start a life with her. I want to divorce you."

I honestly can't remember if he said something else after that. I can't remember if I replied.
I only remember the shock to my system, like, eyes wide open, staring into the void, crying so hard, collapsing onto the bed and him standing in the doorway not knowing what to do next. He had this weird look on his face. Something I never saw before.
I remember that we did have a conversation but I don't know what it was about. I remember at a certain point that I asked him to leave the room so that I could call my parents — even though it was late at night — because I needed to hear someone who could tell me I was still alive and breathing, that I was awake and not dreaming.

After that phone call with my parents (and they were truly shocked as well!), I opened the door of the bedroom and he immediately came out of his office space. He asked me if he should leave to sleep somewhere else. And I asked him to stay and I remember saying: "I need someone to be here because I don't trust myself to stay alive." I think it startled him. He said he would stay and so he took the spare room. I don't know what I did that night but it wasn't sleeping. I felt sick to my stomach.

The next morning, right after he woke up, he found himself an Airbnb nearby, said goodbye to our animals and me, and left.
But not before we had a short conversation on our terrace outside (it was beautiful weather for an October day) and heard him say the words: "I love you but I'm not in love with you. I can't be your husband anymore. We're incompatible."

23 years of relationship, since October 2000. 17 years of marriage. We met when I was barely 21 and he was almost 23. He was so infatuated with me and wanted to marry way earlier than I could say "yes" to him. We eventually married in 2006.
We renewed our vows only 7 years ago in front of all of our friends and family. Some people are still talking about that day.
We had just invested a lot in our rental home (which we rent from his best friend and our accountant), took two new cats in (to complement our two big dogs), and I just finished a certification program the month before and would start a new career from scratch as an independent life coach.

Now everything was in pieces... complete standstill of my life. Our life. Our future.

—

Those first weeks... I can hardly remember how I survived through the days.
I remember cooking fresh and healthy meals because I have had a habit of doing it for several years now. I usually cooked for both of us and now I had to cook all those recipes (it's a recipe/ingredient delivery service every week) just for myself. I could not focus on anything: I read a lot and listen to podcasts a lot, but I just couldn't register the words. I don't know how I spent my days in those first weeks... maybe only doing research as to what the Hell happened. I remember having many conversations with friends and family, but I lost almost every one of our mutual friends because "they didn't want to get in the middle" even though I didn't ask them to pick sides. So stupid!!!

I know my parents stepped up and called almost every day, visiting every week (they don't live nearby).
I was alone with the animals: 2 big dogs, 2 cats, and three chickens; in a huge house with a huge garden — and they're a handful to care for on my own (it actually takes two, but he bolted!). We don't have kids (conscious choice... but now I wonder...).

We had contact on a daily basis. He just wanted to discuss practicalities and divorce stuff.
I felt like I was in some kind of mist/fog just going along, not really realizing what was happening to me. And he surely didn't even think of what it would do to me. He just thought we could be FRIENDS 
We got to one mediation session and it was so horrible that I asked him for time to heal first. He agreed on three months (which is WAAAAY too short, of course) so we will be reevaluating it end of January. I pushed for a temporary settlement, just between the two of us, because I was so scared of what he would do next: we're both in the same business, although we have separate occupations (and I'm not financially strong enough to do without his support), and he has a habit of spending when he doesn't feel good (thank God his AP has a well-paid job at this time!). We put something on paper and our fathers co-signed it. It's not legally bound, but it's something...

Then the emotional cycling began: I was getting out of shock in the second or third week, I think, and the extreme emotional wave hit me. Anger, despair, grief, disappointment, denial, more anger, you name it! It just didn't make sense to me why he would do this to me, and early on, I realized I couldn't even recognize him anymore. It felt like an alien took hold of his body: I saw the body and face of my husband, but the one who did the talking seemed to be someone else. I started noticing this "Jekyll and Hyde" thing in him, glimpses of the old him but someone else was taking the wheel. His coldness, although he would only Monster after I emotionally cycled toward him, him being so self-absorbed, with no remorse, taking no responsibility whatsoever, and then saying these weird things about our marriage and me, and comparing it with the AP. But at the same time, he would also be nice, trying to help out, wanting me to have a good life, etc. It was all so confusing and horrible. I felt like I woke up into a nightmare and the nightmare doesn't seem to stop. Limbo, Twilight Zone, you name it, I've been there.

And I just couldn't get myself to stop "harassing" him with texts and e-mails about what was going on with him, with me, with us, with him and the AP. Early on, in the second week, I stumbled onto Vikki Stark's Runaway Husbands site, and there I learned about the Midlife Crisis for the first time. And it made sense. And then I came to the Hero's Spouse site and it made even more sense. And since then, I have been researching and reading relentlessly. And I couldn't keep myself from sharing a lot of it with my husband, even though I knew that it wouldn't make any difference: he just wasn't listening. We had several huge fights over the phone. I just exploded with anger and grief and he was the one receiving (well, not really), trying to make excuses and justifications for everything that he'd done and was still doing. In his head, people just fall out of love, end relationships, divorce, and yes... even cheat! "Happens all the time," he said. I could've killed him if he would've been in the same room with me!!!

During those fights, he couldn't keep his mouth shut about the AP, of course, telling me what a wonderful woman she is, that she had such a hard life but came back from that, that she truly understands him and gives him what he needs, while I couldn't (he's getting rough and passionate sex from her and our sex was never "liberated," even during our first weeks together), and she wants him to give me "closure" so that I could move on, etc. It would really set me off into screaming because it all sounded so absurd to me! He was painting a picture of our relationship that I couldn't make sense of like we had a completely different marriage experience together.

I asked him why he didn't tell me he was having doubts about our relationship, and why he acted like everything was okay, even after my asking him several times, multiple times about what was going on with him, because I could sense something wasn't quite right. He didn't have the answer. He just said that he needed to work on his communication, and he's doing that in therapy.
And he also stated that he regrets not telling me about the affair, lying to me, etc. But I could really feel he wasn't feeling remorse, not at all. "But I don't regret meeting her," he said. Yeah...

I mean, I could go on. It's all MLC script, right?

—

So, the AP lives abroad. They met through work because she's part of a project he's part of, too. They met during a virtual group meeting about the project. He asked her for her contact details — and he said it was to work something out with her for the project, but I don't believe that's true (he has a history of multiple EAs, by the way) — and they got together via text and video chat, and so he fell in love, and she reciprocated.
Then they physically met in her country during my birthday weekend, supposedly him going to a conference, and I panicked that weekend (that was a week before BD) and sent him some texts, and he didn't read them for hours, and so I panicked even more and called him. I don't know why I panicked, it was my intuition, I guess, but I thought it had something to do with me and not him — me just not feeling right and wanting to talk to him to see if I would be able to feel better. He picked up the phone immediately and I told him about the texts, and he said they were never delivered. And we had some kind of a fight because I needed emotional support but he acted all distant. And at a certain point, I heard myself saying: "Are you even alone over there?" And he lied. And I laughed because it sounded so ridiculous when I said it.
But SHE WAS THERE... They had sex!!! And I didn't sleep that whole night because I couldn't make sense of how I felt that day. It was so weird. But I never thought he would do that to me. I really thought I was just going through something and that's why I felt so weird that day.
He returned from that trip on my birthday (a Monday) and immediately went to take a nap upstairs because "he was so tired from the conference and traveling." That was my birthday. And I got gifts that his AP chose (and I threw them away the moment I learned about that).

They have a long-distance relationship over texts and video chat, and they meet once maybe every month or two months where he travels to her country, or she comes to our country.
They hardly know each other!!!
She's also in a divorce now (but told him that the relationship was over before they started the affair) with two kids (D15 and D8) from different relationships, while she stepped into the affair knowing he was cheating on me. Oh, and she's 10 years younger than him 

—

A few weeks ago, his AP suddenly popped up on Facebook. He was still on my friends list because he's not active on Facebook, so I hadn't removed him. And he assured me early on that she wasn't even ON social media. So, I never thought about looking her up and deleting her. But Facebook showed her on my "people you might know" tab and apparently, she had been active recently, liking some of my husband's posts (that is probably why FB picked up on her and showed me her profile in the list).
I exploded!!! I've never witnessed this much anger within me. I sent him a text to tell him about her FB activity, and he called me, and I screamed at him for half an hour. Really, I didn't recognize myself anymore. These kinds of fights we never had during our relationship. We had fights, yes, but it always quickly ended in having those hard conversations like grownups do to make sure we meet each other halfway. He would always take pride in our communication and even gave marriage counseling to his colleagues because we had such a strong and healthy relationship.

And he tried to make excuses once again, and I tackled every single one of them and threw them back in his face. And I slammed the phone down and went "dark" on him for the first time.

I now know that she actually wanted to make sure that I saw her.
"Small" detail: she had an artistic naked picture of herself as a profile picture (but sideways, so still allowed by FB policy). My body "saw" it before my mind registered it. I got severely triggered by that picture.

Shortly after that phone call, she immediately blocked me, before I had the chance to block her. How did she know?
And since, my husband has been sharing some little remarks about her interfering with our relationship, telling him what to do with me, so that I would "move on."
The game seems to be on between them... and he doesn't realize it yet. They're just beyond their 6-month affair mark, but still... it's a long-distance relationship 

—

So, where am I now?
After that phone call and going dark (I blocked him everywhere so he could only e-mail me), I had a week of deep grief like I never experienced before. It was really, really hard and I had very dark thoughts. But my support network and my therapist are truly amazing. And I was able to fill my schedule with some things I really wanted to do, like learning how to resuscitate and defibrillate, so I did a course with the Red Cross and really enjoyed it. I also started going to (evangelic) church with a mutual friend (who didn't pick sides), something I haven't done since childhood. I was a non-practicing catholic but I let myself removed from the baptismal register recently, and I'm now reestablishing my connection and relationship with God in a totally new way (I had a few interesting experiences in the past weeks during praying).

That phone call was only a little over two weeks ago, though.
And one week after having barely any contact (only one exchange of invoices for the accountancy books), he suddenly sent me a long e-mail, sharing about what was going on with him (and I'll keep those details for another post because this is getting long). And that's when I could really sense that he was truly running away. It helped me put everything more in perspective, seeing him as someone who probably never really had a chance but run, because of the severity of what he went through in his childhood that was never resolved, and now he gets a chance to resolve it.

It doesn't excuse anything he has done in the recent past, but it does give me a way out of his crisis and into my healing journey.
And since I got that e-mail, it has been a lot easier to emotionally detach more. I'm not there yet, still a loooong way to go, but I've been having better and more balanced days now. And I'm finally being able to write this because, before, I just didn't have the headspace.

But something I also started about a month ago is writing about my experiences and what I learned about him and his MLC. I have a blog (in Dutch) I'm writing anonymously, and it's helpful. It's therapeutic.
I also had a first session with a therapist last month, and this month, we started working together more intensely (one session every two weeks - she didn't have the room in her schedule until this month), and she's been a great support. She's very open to the whole MLC concept. She's also specialized in trauma therapy (EMDR is her specialty).

—

So, this is part of my story and journey with my MLCer. At least, the BD and first months of Replay part. But lots happened before BD as well, in retrospect.
It's obvious he's a high-energy Replayer at this time, and he seems to be a Boomerang, but I'm not entirely sure, because I was the one initiating a lot of contact between us. But he's definitely not clinging. He doesn't seem to need any reassurance from me.

As far as I know, he still wants to get divorced. We've been to our accountant to talk about the business, and he's planning on making appointments for a second opinion (I asked for it because our current accountant is his best friend) and an appointment with a business lawyer. I've been seeking my own legal counsel in the meantime as well (and my father is helping me out with the legal research and the practical stuff).

But he will have to do the work. I'm not initiating anything. He knows I'm Standing (and I explained why: because he's in limerence and there's no way we can have "closure" at this time concerning our marriage). But of course, he thinks nothing's wrong with him and he can think very clearly despite the affair and all the decisions he made and actions he took, lol 

To be continued...

[Inanna]

Okay... I continue with part II: what I saw happening to my MLCer, in retrospect, before BD...

My MLCer has severe complex trauma, and I'm only now learning about some of the details, as my MLCer is in therapy to uncover more of his trauma, and he's been having recent new memories as well. He was sexually abused by a "friend" of the family between ages 8 and 14. And now, just recently, he remembers there were two predators, not just one.
At age 16, his best friend shot herself (suicide) and he never saw it coming. Only a week ago, it was the 30th anniversary of her death — a few days after, he had therapy, and the morning after therapy, he sent me that loooong e-mail (see my previous/original post).

But there's more. His mother is a covert passive-aggressive narcissist. She wanted a big family, but after my husband was born, she got an ectopic pregnancy which was terminated and she got a hysterectomy afterward. He feels she never recovered from it mentally/emotionally, and seeing he was her only child, he was never able to satisfy her emotional needs. His father, on the other hand, was quite absent. He was a primary school teacher and was always focused on his children from school, instead of spending time with his son. His father is now diagnosed with terminal cancer (got the diagnosis this Summer, when the affair was already ongoing).
His only family trustee, his grandmother, unfortunately, died when the sexual abuse started, so he was never able to confide in her. And he felt that he couldn't confide in his parents, so he went through that ordeal all by himself.

That's his trauma history that he's aware of now.

When we met, he was almost 23, so 7 years after the suicide, but he was on a rampage. He says I "saved" him because our relationship gave him a way out of a lifestyle that would have continued getting him into trouble. And surely, for the next 20 years, he would absolutely become a very stable, trustworthy, providing, strong, reliable, loving man to me and everyone he came in contact with. Everyone looks up to him and he has a lot of charisma. He worked his way up to become an irreplaceable hot-shot manager/consultant everyone depends on.

And yet... he had several EAs throughout our marriage, the last one being last year up to Spring this year, which was a very disturbing one for him, and then shortly after, he began an affair with another woman.

—

Now, where did it all go off the rails for our marriage?
Six years ago, at the beginning of 2018, his sexual abuse trauma resurfaced. We were in the middle of having sex (I took the initiative this time, because I was recovering from an anxiety disorder years before, and rejected him a lot when it came to being intimate) and he suddenly stopped me and said that he was having flashbacks. We never had sex after that because he wanted space and of course, I understood completely and gave him space. I tried to have the conversation multiple times after in the following years, but never succeeded in really having it, and he would take more and more time to himself. But you know... I understood. And I gave him that space. But I did notice that he was watching porn a lot more than usual in the following years. I once ran into him masturbating while watching porn in our bathroom. It was really awkward and I remember him running after me when I left the room, explaining that watching porn is normal and most men do it (but for me, it wasn't so much the porn, it was the fact that we weren't intimate anymore).

But hey, he went into therapy for a while to work through the trauma. But then he also quit therapy quite early on. I mean, I've been in therapy since I was 16 because of my anxiety issues, and I knew that a trauma like that would need YEARS of therapy, and he quit after maybe 10 sessions or so.

I saw these weird changes in him. He started having hobbies that were a little unlike him. Usually, he would go into nature to take pictures (he's an amateur landscape photographer and his pictures are truly stunning — he won prizes) or he would print 3D figures and paint them. But this time, he bought a huge pick-up truck (which is really not common in our small country), went on airsoft adventures with the guys, and bought many new very realistic war guns (not real ones). He started training for Strongman and got himself a personal coach. And I was glad about the latter because he started eating a lot healthier, quit drinking, and worked out several times a week.

But about a year ago, he suddenly asked me if it would be okay for him to get a real gun. And I was getting these red flags now. Like... why? Really, it's not common in our country. Gun laws are really strict. He started going to the shooting range and shortly before BD, he did his exams and is now a legal member of the shooting range and is allowed to shoot bigger guns (I don't know the details, it's not my thing, lol).

But you know, I thought that seeing the nature of his trauma, he just needed to overcompensate for the lack of control he might have felt while his sexual abuse was going on. I really thought he just wanted to feel and be stronger and more in control. I was concerned about the gun license (but fortunately, because we're now separated and he wants a divorce, he's legally not allowed to get his license because this is not a stable home situation) but everything else made kinda sense to me. He was, in my opinion, actively working on resolving his trauma. And he went back into therapy in 2021 with a different therapist and it seemed to go well. He learned about his mother's narcissism and he also got into group therapy with people who experienced a similar trauma, and they even asked him to be a group guide because everyone admired his coping and his leadership.

But now looking back, I can see that when his trauma resurfaced, he wasn't coping as well as he thought. And in his looooong e-mail from last week, he shared that he felt like he was getting into a depression and needed to get out (hence he emotionally disconnected from me, "lost" his feelings for me, needed to get out, started the affair and got his getaway — boom! BD!).

—

Another factor is that at the end of 2021, a colleague of his died very suddenly in her sleep. And he was very close to her (not an EA). This shocked him. And earlier that year, one of his favorite teachers from school, back when the suicide happened, died as well, during a marathon.
Shortly after his colleague died, at the beginning of 2022, he told his parents about his sexual abuse trauma for the first time. His father was really, really shocked and felt very, very guilty (later this year, after the terminal cancer diagnosis of his father, my H once shared that he thought he made his father ill by telling him about the trauma. He thought he was responsible for the cancer). But his mother — and this was his fear — made it all about her and was angry that he didn't bother to tell her when it was going on. Typically narcissism.

I now know these were all important triggers for him.
Also, in the Summer of 2021, between the two deaths, they found a rare gene mutation in my family on my mother's side, which puts me at a higher risk of dying from heart failure, this was my midlife transition, by the way, because I suddenly was confronted with my own mortality (and that of several family members). I think, him watching me going through that, was frightening to him as well, because I really struggled and had depression for several months, but I bounced back and I was okay after that (and I changed some things in my lifestyle and I'm accepting of this potential health risk).

I think he wasn't able to come to me with whatever he was experiencing and feeling — I don't know why. But last year, he got into his last EA, and it had been years before he had an EA, so I thought we worked through that, but this time, it was really bad. He had severe emotional cycling and this colleague, she was married with 4 kids and really struggling with depression. She wasn't emotionally available to him and he really suffered from her going back and forth between wanting to help him but not being able to because of her own issues. It was truly a trauma bond, and he learned about trauma bonds in therapy.

But it took him several months to let go of her. And I'm not sure he did, because, from one day to the next, he just didn't talk about her anymore. Now I know that was the time when he met the AP. And he never talked about the AP. He was already disconnected from me, for sure. I never suspected the affair, not one moment, except for that weird moment when he was abroad for that conference (see my previous/original post).

—

There was one moment earlier this year, before the affair started, that he once came home from work and he really didn't feel good. He wanted to talk and I think he was still struggling with the EA. He said that he felt that I wasn't able to validate him enough and that he needed me to validate him more. And we had a hard conversation with no real resolution.
I said to him that I couldn't possibly validate him enough for him to be satisfied and that he needed to find validation within himself. And he understood, he said, because that was what his therapist had told him, and they would work on it together. But I felt that he really struggled with this and really wanted me to give him what he felt was lacking.

After that conversation, and it was around March/April this year, I really felt something inside me shifting, like, this was a turning point for us. I truly hoped he would be able to do something about this because I knew I wasn't able to give him what he needed. We never talked about it again, and shortly after, the affair began. So, he just went elsewhere. I think that after that conversation, he consciously or subconsciously made the decision that I wasn't his person anymore and that he needed to look elsewhere. I truly believe that he opened himself up to other women/potential partners after that conversation. And he kinda confirmed that (not directly) through the long e-mail he sent me last week.

—

This is so heartbreaking. Because I stood by him for 23 years thinking he would always be able to come to me with his inner struggles.
But he didn't. In the past years, and I'm so mad because of the trauma, he just slipped into the depression but didn't know how to handle it. It just became too much for him. He needed to get out.
You know... MLC script and all that. I have a heavy heart writing this.

—

So, he sent me this e-mail last week, after I went "dark" on him for about a week because of our last phone call in which I was soooo enraged about the AP.
He wrote about his trauma and that he admits he felt like he was getting depressed. He shared a bit about what he talked about with the therapist the day before, and because he just went to the 30th anniversary of his friend's suicide, he suddenly realized, he wrote, that what his friend did to him when she killed herself, he was doing to me: that he didn't let me into knowing about his internal turmoil and kept it all from me, and then dropped the bomb.
He didn't commit suicide, but he did kill our marriage off and left me no choice/no voice whatsoever.

He said that in therapy, he understood that there was no other way for him than to run because otherwise, he wouldn't have been able to function/cope, and that his affair was indeed a coping mechanism, a flight response like his therapist explained to him.

But then he went on writing that he discussed with his therapist whether the affair is a healthy relationship or not, and he strongly believes it is healthy 
So yeah, he's holding onto the affair for dear life at this time 

But you know, I was really happy with that e-mail, although he also shared some things which tells me that the AP is interfering in it all, especially what he does with me (he wrote that the AP pushed him to share more with me, so that I would find "closure" and am able to "move on." In other words, she wants him to get rid of me, duh.).

The thing is, I think his therapist is really the right person for him now, but breaking out of the limerence with the AP, I'm sure he's not willing to and will need to continue the MLC process, despite of what his therapist is probably trying to make him see and understand. But knowing she's seeing what I see, I'm glad he's in therapy. But still... I'm wary of where this is going. I try to let it go and focus on me now I'm still "dark" (but I did reply to his e-mail and validated him but also shared that the affair couldn't possibly be healthy because of how it started) and he has to take the initiative to contact me.

—

But anyway... I felt his depression quite early on, I believe, but I didn't recognize it as a depression.
And I felt him redrawing from our relationship at least a couple of years ago, very subtly at first, but then more tangible this year leading up to the affair, and that's when it was really becoming very visible to me, but I never expected him having an affair — the man I was in a happy relationship with for more than 20 years just wouldn't do something like that. Everything he did when the affair started was very out of character for him. But I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt... because, yeah, you know... I KNOW him  Even with the EAs, we always managed to work through it together. He was always open about his struggles, but he stopped doing that when the affair started, and if he was able to make sense of his depression, I'm sure he would have shared it with me.

But the fact is, we never had sex after that time in 2018. And he redrew more and more from me emotionally. And he lost himself in these weird hobbies and then the triggers happened. The train already left the station the moment his trauma resurfaced, I'm sure. There was probably NOTHING I could've done. Absolutely NOTHING!

And recently, when my father and I met my H at the accountant, a few weeks ago, my father asked me afterward: "Since when is K. shaving his beard?"
And then it dawned on me: bloody hell!!! He did that when the affair started!!!
So, that's definitely when the children started popping up. He NEVER shaved his beard except for trimming. I sometimes asked him because when I met him, he didn't have a beard, but he refused to shave because he felt more confident with the beard, he looked more like an adult, and people would take him more seriously. There was NO WAY he would shave, even if I would force him to. But he did it, when the affair started. And I didn't understand... until now. He's back reliving his childhood...

To be continued...

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Welcome to the club that no should ever have to join, however, you will get some great advice on how to navigate your new reality.

"I've met someone four months ago and I want to start a life with her. I want to divorce you."

Don't you just love the "I've set up shop at a new store and I am now getting around to sending you the email letting you know".

I remember at a certain point that I asked him to leave the room so that I could call my parents — even though it was late at night — because I needed to hear someone who could tell me I was still alive and breathing, that I was awake and not dreaming.

I've been on this site for thirteen years and I still can't read a bomb drop story without coming to tears because of the pain of ultimate betrayal, confusion and loss of all reality. Your whole world just crumbles."

I opened the door of the bedroom and he immediately came out of his office space. He asked me if he should leave to sleep somewhere else.

What a great guy. He stabs you in the back, but he is there to offer you a band aid while you bleed out.

And he surely didn't even think of what it would do to me. He just thought we could be FRIENDS 

Yes, the infamous mindset of the MLCer. I can dump my spouse, life , and everything else for my own narcissistic life- but its all good because we're still friends. Of course the only commitment in that relationships is to half heartedly offer to meet for lunch once a month. You never actually go out for lunch, but it's the thought that counts. We're friends.

We don't have kids (conscious choice... but now I wonder...).

Be careful going down this path. Your MLCer knows all your weak points  and will apply the pressure to knock you off balance. Read through the posts, and you will find MLCers that have left the spouse because of the stress of having children, having one too many, or one too few. They wanted a boy and only got a girl. The list goes on and on. All of this has nothing to do with children or you. It has nothing to do with the marriage either or your animals. This is a crisis of self and acceptance of self as who they are and where they are going.

Now let's get to the good stuff.

I remember cooking fresh and healthy meals because I have had a habit of doing it for several years now.

That's great. I lost twenty lbs and everyone thought I was terminally ill. I know you have a lot on your plate, but being busy and not having a lot of time to contemplate his current life and actions is far healthier than spending hours and hours obsessing on how you could have been a better wife and stopped all of this from happening in the first place. I know you feel terrible right now, but you have put a lot of things in place that will help you detach from him and allow you to start living as if he isn't coming back.

During those fights, he couldn't keep his mouth shut about the AP, of course, telling me what a wonderful woman she is, that she had such a hard life but came back from that, that she truly understands him and gives him what he needs, while I couldn't (he's getting rough and passionate sex from her and our sex was never "liberated," even during our first weeks together), and she wants him to give me "closure" so that I could move on, etc.

I made a huge mistake and compared myself to OM. I never met him, new saw him really, and all the information I got on him was that he was just wonderful and I wasn't.  The alienator is not someone extra special or extra worse. Chances are, they are a really crappy person, but only time will tell. Just remember that Shakira got dumped. On a karma note, her ex fell off stage while he was on his cell phone. Just think, if Shakira can get dumped, than anyone can get dumped and it is all without any reason at all. As you ex is busy making terrible decisions to blow up his life, do you think he suddenly excelled in making mate choices?

but I don't believe that's true (he has a history of multiple EAs, by the way)

My ex as well. She actually enjoyed the whole idea of falling in love than actually being in love. Those damn brain chemicals are all over the place.

So, I am going to give you a continue, a start, and a stop now. First, continue to eat healthy and taking care of your finances as part of the settlement. You are continuing to live your life and you shouldn't stop. Big shiny star to you. Start with a journal and begin with some personal affirmations that are positive about you. Your entire self took a big hit and you need to take time to recognize who you are and to heal from the trauma. Finally, stop talking about OW. That's your first boundary with him. You or him didn't make any vows to her so she is out of the equation. She's not magical and right now, he is using her as much as he is using you. If she really wants to bring closure for you, she can walk out the door. Other than that, she is nothing to you. She is different- not unique. Talking about her or their amazing life together is futile and only hurts your psyche. So if he brings her up, just politely state that you are not going to talk about her and if he persists, the conversation is over. This will help keep you calm and won't give him the opportunity to rub salt in your wounds.

Just keep posting and know that we are here to support you,

(((Ready)))

[Inanna]

Thank you, readytofixmyselffirst 

I came to a place in which I'm not really thinking much about the AP anymore.
Of course, when sharing my journey, it's hard not to involve her, hehe...
But from time to time, I do slip up and there she is again. Especially because my H brings her up, of course.
But what my H did and does is far more painful than she could ever do to me.

—

I also just remembered something my H wrote in his long e-mail.
The fact that he is afraid of me because I seem to go through my process (before BD) in one straight line, he thinks, while he feels like he's just all over the place and running behind.

That's for sure, lol. Ain't that right!

But he forgot something... I've worked on myself for many years, and started dealing with my own childhood traumas when I was still in my twenties. Had therapy all through my thirties. Felt like I finally moved through my motherwound by age 40.
2019 was really my top year. But in 2018, his trauma resurfaced, so he was going downhill instead.

It was not a straight-lined process. Far from it!
I've been in hell, recovered from a severe anxiety disorder, panic attacks, a sleeping disorder, deep feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-worth, burn-out, exhaustion, you name it.
I barely survived.

He sat first row and it seems that he didn't pay attention, lol.
On the contrary, after BD, he called all my past suffering "I don't need more of your drama." (He was Monstering at that time.)
I know that it's his MLC persona talking but still... If he would've paid attention, he would've learned how to move through trauma and ordeal instead of running away from it. He saw me doing it for all these years!

And this is my gift to myself: all that work I did with/on myself, everything I learned, I can now put to use to move through this ordeal. But I'd rather have 10 anxiety disorders than experience this again. This is by far the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. And for what? For a man who sat first-row, watching me move through the ordeal, but then being too chicken to go through it himself. What a waste! That's on him.

Anyway... I know I will get through this. The worst part for me is not so much the emotional/mental stuff and the trauma (yet, it is total HORROR for sure), but the fact that he knew what I've overcome in my life, and still, he couldn't help but putting me through another trauma? I mean... HOW...? 

How is he ever going to catch up with me?
It seems impossible now. Feels like he needs a miracle of some sort, lol.

So, it's like he's just given up and taken the "easy road."
And yet, you and I know that his road is the worst of all, lol. He thinks he can run but life will catch up and make him face it or more misery will come his way. That's just the truth.
His self-hatred must really run deep.
And it's ridiculous that he can hardly feel any of it right now because of that stupid limerence.

And I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who feels threatened by my inner power and strength all the time.
So yeah... I'm Standing, but I'm not sure how he will become the person he needs to be to be in an equal relationship with me. I'm not lowering my standards; no way!

On the other hand, what he does in therapy is good. If he sticks to it. It's a step.
But he's sooo naive and arrogant at this time, thinking he is now actually "doing the work," while it's just the limerence he feels. The real work yet has to start and it will be Hell with a capital H. I warned him... well... yeah.

[Treasur]

 Words - in multiple languages too, gosh - are obviously your thing. (Me too, waves  )
I hope that you found the process of laying it out here helpful.
We are all so sorry that you have experienced these things, and many of us recognise both your feelings and your h’s behaviour. As Ready says, even dimmed by time, the echoes of BD often touch us deeply when a new LBS posts.

And you are right to remember that this is very new and raw for you, so a kind eye on oneself is important.

How can we best help you right now?

[Inanna]

Thank you so much, Treasur 

And I don't know. Just being able to write and share this with y'all, knowing that you understand, is already giving me a LOT! 
So thank you for listening/reading. There aren't too many people around who truly understand unless they have experienced it for themselves (and I know only a few), but even then, the Standing part, most people don't understand.

So, it's good to be here, even though I wished I would've never had to be part of this club, you know 

I'm still fairly new to this forum, so I'm reading bits and pieces here and there. I started with the resources and I'm now reading some of the stories. What a treasure, this forum.

—

Today, I had to go to the vet with my cat. Normally, my husband and I would've gone together tomorrow, but after our fight on the phone two weeks ago, I split up the appointment into two appointments and arranged for our files with the vet to be split, so that he is responsible for the other cat (who lives with him) and I'm responsible for the animals that live here (two big dogs and one cat). It was my first visit by myself to the vet. In the 23 years that we cared for animals together (and we had many), we always went together. But our vets know us very well, so they were really really extra caring today for me. It was a positive experience, going on my own. I don't think they will be that caring tomorrow, when he has to go with the other cat, lol.

But it hurts to see how indifferent my H has become toward our animals. Our oldest dog just turned 10 and my H just forgot. We took him in in 2019 and he was my H's best buddy. They went everywhere together and when my H came home from work, he would greet the dog before me and the rest of the animals.

But when he slipped more and more into the depression, which became more visible with the corona lockdowns in 2020 if you ask me, he started paying less and less attention to the animals, even to our oldest dog. I never understood why, but now I do. I wasn't the only one he was emotionally withdrawing from. He hardly ever went on walks with the dog anymore and was irritated a lot when we took the dog somewhere. I had to push to go to the vet for the yearly shots and we were always late, and the vets had to give us a lecture on being on time with the shots. I always felt embarrassed about it.

This Summer, our oldest dog should've gotten a heart examination because of his age, but I just couldn't get my H to arrange an appointment with me. I should've gone by myself. I now know he was already having the affair.

After BD, he never asked once about the animals. He just wanted to take our youngest cat to his apartment, and I know it's mostly because he cannot live with the AP, so he needs some company while living alone. While he was Monstering, he would be angry with me because of not being able to visit the animals, which is not true. He just used my pain as an excuse to say that I didn't want him around, and that's true, I don't want him around, but I would never keep him from visiting the animals. I told him that but still, he hasn't visited nor asked about the animals.

In the beginning, the first weeks, I would still send him pictures of the animals. But I quit doing that a couple of weeks ago. And yet again, never asked about the animals since.

I'm pretty sure he's pissed off that I split the vet appointment and that he has to go by himself with the cat tomorrow. Well, he had it coming. And I don't want to see him right now unless it's really necessary. I need to detach more first.

So yeah, the vet appointment with my cat went very well and I'm glad. Another "first" to add to the list. And I'm confident about going to the vet by myself now.

But it's really sad. Our oldest dog is a Great Dane and 10 years is already quite old for a breed like that (although he's mixed with a Labrador Retriever, so he might get a bit older than pure breeds). I told him a while ago that he will regret not spending time with our dog before he dies. But it doesn't seem to matter to him. Not now that he's in the fog and the limerence.

I try to give my animals as much attention as I can and just continue with their usual structure and daily rhythm. It's a lot of work for one person alone, but I manage. Also something that he doesn't seem to realize: how much work it is for me to care of them by myself. I would've never taken in that many animals (and I have chickens as well, because he wanted them, and now I'm glad I have the eggs, but it's a lot of work) if I were to be by myself. But he's just not thinking about that. It's all about his selfish needs right now.

I'm so glad we don't have kids. Really... I would not know how to manage. I'm really in awe of the LBSs with kids going through this ordeal, really, you guys are amazing!

[Biscuit]

Their indifference with pets is an interesting aspect of MLC benaviour to me. They can say that we’ve hurt or upset them, but an animal that has just been a loving pet? One of the only times mutual friends were shocked by my W’s behaviour was when I told them that W no longer wanted our cats and didn’t even want to see them now they were living with me. Mad how they weren’t so shocked that W didn’t want anything to do with me! But I suppose she had spun them a yarn about what an arse I was! 😂

As w has started to slow down in her replay behaviours she has started to want to come by and see the cats. In early replay they were ‘her’ cats, then ‘your’ cats now they are back to being ‘our’ cats according to her.
Anyway, welcome to the board. You’ll be consuming much of the material on here at the moment I’d imagine, as many of us do when we’re new here. Sorry you’ve found yourself here, but as the wiser people who have already posted you’ll get a lot of good advice and support here.

[Inanna]

Thank you, Biscuit.

And wow, yes, it's interesting how that goes with the pets.
My MLCer is probably still early on in his replay phase, but I'm "looking out" for signs that his relationship with the pets might change anywhere in the future.

—

The past few days, I sense a change in the way I feel.
I feel defeated and disappointed and something in me wants to just give up. I suppose I'm now really detaching more and find myself in state of "whatever," lol.
Is this Acceptance?

I thought acceptance would feel more positive, but it feels... hmmm... neutral?
Like something in me just doesn't care anymore what he's doing. Yet, I still want to hear from him and wish he wasn't so distant and silent, but on the other hand, I just don't want any more drama.

It's also been easier to focus on my own life now. I have some stuff planned with friends (even mutual ones) and family. It's easier to concentrate on work all of a sudden, while I just couldn't focus on work in the past 2.5 months (except for a few hours a week maybe). I'm even dreaming about the future of what my life could look like and who's going to be in it (a mystery man, maybe).

I'm starting to doubt if I want him back. The way he is acting now: that person, I really don't like and don't want in my life (and I made sure he knows that).
Even though it's just been a little over 2.5 months since BD, I seem to lose memory of how it felt before BD. Like, I have this picture in my head of how my H was when we were still happy, but it's fading somehow.

I was always scared that I would stop loving him. I think I still do, but I'm not really worried anymore about whether I still will in the future. I just know I can have a good life without him if I only get through this stupid thing with him wanting a divorce and dissolving our business in the future.

I still have moments of sadness and moments of anger, still, but it doesn't come out the way it did in the past months. I just feel it but I haven't cried in the past days, and I haven't felt like bursting out in anger. It's just all so stupid. He's behaving so stupid and childish. And there's nothing I can do about it. I just witness him going through this thing and just think by myself: what a pity.

And I feel disappointment because he knows what he's doing isn't right and that it only causes more pain and damage. He literally wrote that he was in a depression, apologized for shutting me out, acknowledged that he fled and that his affair is a flight response, and yet... nothing changes. So, so stupid and disappointing.

But then I read the stories from MLCs who went through it and I understand that even though they know, it seems that they cannot snap out of it somehow. Like they're kind of trapped in the fog. They see the damage their actions cause — and my H apologized multiple times and the last time felt more sincere — yet, there is no remorse and it seems like they're not really aware of the true gravity of it all.

I hate that he's in limerence. Again, so, so stupid! Really, stupid man!
I can wish for the affair to fall apart soon, but it's not within my control. And seeing that he has a long-distance affair, it'll probably last a lot longer before the limerence fades.
* sigh * 

He's just an empty shell walking around. He just doesn't realize it yet.
He's warned but too stubborn to give in.
You must lie in your bed the way you made it.

Whatever... <- my current mood.

[Treasur]

I think you might find that it is more a kind of emotional numbing than Acceotance. Partly bc it is very early days for you. Mostly bc so much of your thinking, and posts, are about him or wearing a kind of magic mindreading hat about what is going on with him. And that’s pretty normal, so don’t worry about it. You will probably find you experience a lot of different emotions in the next few months, sometimes in one day lol. And that’s normal too.

Most of us DO detaching and accepting long before we really FEEL detached or Acceotance. But you will know when you get there….my best way to describe it is that it is a calmer and more peaceful place without so many mental monkeys jumping around. 

[Reinventing]

Most of us DO detaching and accepting long before we really FEEL detached or Acceotance. But you will know when you get there….my best way to describe it is that it is a calmer and more peaceful place without so many mental monkeys jumping around

Agree with this. Also, many of us had a rollercoaster emotions in the early days, so if you do as well, don't be disappointed. Every time I felt, "okay, I've got this" and then felt like crap the next day, I was so frustrated that I hadn't reached a continuous "I got this" state. But with time and practice in detaching and using coping strategies, the good days became longer and more frequent.

You sound very self-aware, after all the work on you that you've done, so that will help you tremendously in your healing journey.