[FaithWalker]

I'm sorry that you are going through this Inanna.  Betrayal trauma is tough, tough, tough.

When I was going through my Bomb Drop, I had a lot of the same thoughts.  Who is this person?  It was like my H went out to the garden shed and got abducted by aliens and then an alien took over his body and that my real H was somewhere in the universe watching and screaming that it wasn't him.

Now, 8 years out, it does feel as if my husband has died.  It's hard to reconcile that with the fact that his body is still here and he still interacts with the children.  He is definitely not the person I knew and loved and sometimes that was hard to come to terms with.  I think the hardest part for me is that my heart and mind had a hard time coming to terms with the finality of things, knowing there wasn't any closure.  I've since moved beyond that and have been able to realize that I may never have closure like I thought I should have.  Truly, there is still those echoed moments of WTF, but it does get easier as we get some distance from Bomb Drop.

I will always feel like our marriage was just needing a couple light bulbs changed and that my H burned down the whole house instead.  But I do realize that our marriage was not the problem, and that the kids and I were just collateral damage in his war against himself.

I had really wished that I could have just moved away and started over somewhere where I wouldn't have to see my xH.  A clean break.  Unfortunately, with kids that just wasn't possible.  But with time and healing, sharing a town, and children gets easier.

I know that you don't have kids but you do have the pets, so that is a bit of navigation you have to figure out right now.  Go easy on yourself and don't beat yourself up if you don't get it right on the first go, second go, etc.  This is not easy territory to navigate and obviously not something any of us every expected in our marriage.

[Inanna]

Thank you so much for sharing, Faithwalker.
I can't imagine being on this road for 8 years! Wow!
And yes, I would think it could be easier if it wasn't for the pets and to still be connected through our business also.
But it is what it is * sigh *

I have to say that I'm remarkably recovering well and fast after that whole thing yesterday. It seems that my emotional turmoil is mostly centered around contact with H, like a stead one-day-a-week drama, but all other 6 days have been steady, stable, and drama-free. So, I'm probably doing something right when it comes to my own mental/emotional health.

I felt a lot better yesterday a few hours after he left. Talked to some friends, my mom, had a decent night of sleep (a bit more restless than the past days, but still okay) and this morning, had a great time at church, meeting some wonderful new people (we're just a group of about 25 people, so it's intimate, like one big "family,"), and had some more conversations with friends and some LBSers today.

I mean, life is quite good if I don't have to deal with H.
But one day a week of drama is definitely better than what I had before. No obsessive thoughts anymore but I do still think about H or MLC or anything related for most of the day. It's always somewhere in the back of my mind, but those thoughts aren't intrusive anymore like they used to be. I guess that's part of the process, and that I will be less and less occupied with H in my mind over time.

His behavior yesterday definitely also helped me see the absurdity of what is going on in his head.
It's all so crazy, unbelievable. And yet, it's happening. I'm really glad he's the MLCer and I'm the LBSer and not the other way around.
That's good, right? I can see how I can get through this, as a LBSer. I can see the light at the "end," and the possibility of experiencing a lot more joy in my life, even now, I can see that I can learn and grow and become stronger by the day.
But for him? The road looks still very long, dark, and scary. Hard to watch...

[Reinventing]

Isanna,
Really good that you've noticed your patterns of when you are settled and when you're not settled.

Also, you are doing great settling down faster and drawing on support systems. Keep doing more of what helps you heal and less of things that get in the way of your healing.

[Baxter1]

Ianna-

Although I wouldn’t wish this one anyone I do agree that it’s no picnic for the MLCer. I look at her sometimes and she just seems so so sad. She cycles back to normal but even then I’m sure the guilt and pain is there and is just masked. I think you’re doing great, keep working on you, if there is a silver lining to all of this is that the LBS comes out much stronger, I am definitely not the same person I was 10 months ago, and that’s a good thing.
Good Luck!

[WHY]

Ianna-

Although I wouldn’t wish this one anyone I do agree that it’s no picnic for the MLCer. I look at her sometimes and she just seems so so sad. She cycles back to normal but even then I’m sure the guilt and pain is there and is just masked. I think you’re doing great, keep working on you, if there is a silver lining to all of this is that the LBS comes out much stronger, I am definitely not the same person I was 10 months ago, and that’s a good thing.
Good Luck!

I read Shock Sis and some others that say the MLCer is in pain and it’s no picnic.  I have thought about this though.  I still think the pain and suffering is way worse for LBS.  at least in the beginning.  I’m sure after the awakening it’s bad for the MLCer, especially once LBS is bullet proof by that point.   But during replay.  LBS is tortured….

[Inanna]

Thank you, Reinventing, Baxter, and WHY, for contributing to my thread.

And I don't know, WHY, if the LBS suffers more than the MLCer. I've read Shocks Sis's story (and translated it to Dutch with permission from Shock) and I'm currently in the process of reading Shock's threads. So, I know the story quite well by now.

I can't really compare at this time because my H insists on saying he's feeling great and nothing is going on with him. So, I'll have to wait and see until he comes out of Replay 

Maybe, it may also depend on the level of childhood trauma an LBSer still has to resolve after BD. I worked through most of mine, so even though BD was traumatic and the grieving process is truly devastating, I don't feel it's the end of the world and I feel quite comfortable in my skin underneath it all.
I don't think my H will feel that core stability that I was able to build before BD when he comes out of Replay. Something tells me that he will be having an extremely hard time, but I can't be for sure, of course.

[Inanna]

I wanted to share a small update...
Today was the first day that I actually spent many hours without thinking about my H 
I've been having so much focus to work on my site. I'm rebuilding my site so that I can "relaunch" my business, now being three months after BD, and finally have the headspace to work on my future more.
I've been having a blast figuring out some of the technical stuff (I'm quite tech-savvy, fortunately) and enjoyed diving into the details of it all, creating some of the pieces for the site — and, in my humble opinion, it's looking great so far.
So, I'm looking forward to continuing to build the site and working out the details, and hopefully, soon, I'll feel ready to start taking new clients.

The other side to this is that because of emotional detaching, I was a bit confused about my feelings toward my H when I was preparing dinner tonight. It's like I can't easily access my feelings toward him anymore like they are more distant, less tangible. I don't think I'm indifferent and I do still often think about the man I used to know, but it's like my mind finally understands — and emotionally, it's sinking in more — that the man who's now walking around is not my H. It's the alien. And I don't want to be with that person. I don't love that person. So, my "true" H seems to become a more distant memory now.
And it confuses me because I didn't think it would happen so soon. And it's a bit scary as well because... what does this mean for the future and my Standing? Will I still have feelings for him if he comes out of the tunnel and starts doing the inner work and maybe wants to reconcile?

But I remember Acorn's thread and if I'm not mistaken, our feelings for our H can come back if we can see and experience the change in them, right? I hope so... But for now, it's rather "comfortable" because I'm more able to focus on my own life and my own future without H in my life.

This is also because we only have e-mail contact for some practical stuff at this time. I don't contact him for other stuff (and neither has he) and I don't talk about R/M. I don't share about my life. But he's planning on new steps to get the divorce final so I'll probably have to see him soon — not looking forward to it, actually. But of course, I need to secure my future and protect myself financially. That's the only reason I'm going along with the divorce, but I don't take initiative — he has to put in the work, as it is foremost HIS divorce, not mine.

[Inanna]

So, for the first time since BD, a weekend has passed without drama.
The downside is that I haven't heard from my H at all. I've been having more good days now, with a lot of focus on my work as I described earlier. I enjoy building the new site. And I'll be studying a lot in the upcoming months because I'm taking several classes a week. Looking forward to it.

Been to church this morning. It feels like family. I've only started going to this church, which is a small group of Christians worshipping together, after BD, after having a few spiritual experiences while I was in deep despair. And I'm very much enjoying a renewed relationship with God now, and having a small family of Christians who hold higher principles and values. After church, we share a meal and I feel so welcomed and not judged, which is a blessing and a relief after all the turmoil my H caused and having so many people around who don't really understand what I'm going through.

Two people from church are actively working as refugee aid relief volunteers, which I've done for several years in the past. I'm now hoping to be a part of that because I always loved to support refugees, and it gives me so much fulfillment to be of service in that particular way to people in need.

I have also been visiting my family, my parents and brother, and SIL (my brother's wife). It has become a regular weekly thing.

Life is good this way, as long as I don't have to deal with H's drama. But of course, I do miss him at times, and it still happens that thoughts of him just pop up in my mind and then I feel the grief. It's still somewhat hard to grasp that we don't share a life together anymore. So much has changed since BD as I now have a big circle of people around me — I feel so supported and loved. I didn't have that feeling for a big number of years when H and I were still together. It's like he also kind of isolated me, especially in the last years when he slipped into covert depression. And now, I feel that parts of who I am are coming back online, because I no longer compromise them to keep him happy. I no longer have to walk on eggshells and it feels very good to just be myself, uncompromised.

Of course, it's still challenging as well. I have to care for a bunch of animals, which means that I can't sleep in in the morning, because the dogs need to get outside. I can't leave the house for more than approx. 6 hours. I'm in the process of looking for a pet sitter to hire, so that I can take longer trips to visit friends, but it's challenging because my youngest dog has severe anxiety and doesn't trust anyone other than me. But if I can find someone who can come by more often, she'll hopefully grow accustomed to this person over time.

So yeah, it feels like I'm GAL. But many challenges still ahead with H wanting a divorce and my being financially insecure for the future. I will also have to move to a different place over time because this rental house is too expensive and H won't pay half of the costs forever. Not easy with two big dogs.

But I'm learning to surrender to God's guidance, trusting that life will come around and that I'll be able to thrive.
Taking it one step at a time.

[amazinglove]

I loved this post and update. I have also been finding a lot of solace in my faith and a new church. I didn’t feel judged at all, just compassion for my hurt. You sound like you are in a good place! I too have thoughts run around in my head and pop up, all the time in fact, I miss him, the old him, the man I knew for 14 years, but I have to keep reminding myself that that guy isn’t there right now. He’s just not an option. Keep staying strong and GAL is really the only way forward. Bravo to you! Maybe I will look for an online class myself!

[FrenchHusband]

Hi Inanna,

I am glad for you that you are GALing well and that makes you feel good. Interactions with nice and healthy people are very comforting and it will help you to heal.

You are doing very well. Have faith !