[Inanna]

Thanks, Reinventing & Treasur.
Trying to understand what Acceptance is all about vs feeling emotionally numb. Because... I do still feel emotional around other stuff, both the joy and the pain. Healthy emotional, I must say.
Is it possible to feel emotionally numb around the whole MLC H business but emotionally healthy around other stuff in life?

And I find it hard to be on this forum to share my journey because it pulls me back into thinking about him. But I wasn't so much occupied with him in the past days. It's just... describing my story just pulls everything up again, of course. So, it probably looks like — because I'm writing here — I'm constantly thinking about him or trying to fit him in the MLC stages, but I don't feel that way when I leave this forum. Sure, there are moments in which I think about him, and sometimes I obsess for a little bit, but I have post-its all over my home reminding me of: quiet — pursued — calm (I picked up those three words from Hearts Blessing to remind me of letting go and focus on my own life) and it works.

I actually feel okay, and it has been going on for several days now. I sleep okay. I eat okay. No issues focusing. I can read again (I'm a true book reader, but couldn't even finish one book in the past 2 months). But yeah, I'm, of course, also a bit wary of this state and feel like I'm a bit waiting for the next emotional wave to hit me.

Maybe it's because we're almost NC that I feel better. No triggers around every corner. There's more peace and silence. I go about my day. Went to check the tire pressure of my car today. Went to the vet yesterday. Going to a theater play tonight. Therapy tomorrow. Church on Sunday. Meeting family for Christmas on Monday. And it goes on...

Flashes of sadness and anger when I suddenly have a thought about him. But it disappears quickly.
Watching a series on tv and couldn't hold my tears, but it was about the program, not my H, lol. And it actually felt good to cry about something else. Feels familiar because I'm a sucker for certain things like moving moments on tv. Feel more like myself again (yet different from who I was before BD).

Anyway... doesn't matter that much. I'm definitely early on in my journey from what I read on the forum. We'll see what happens next.

[Treasur]

Well, you may be right. Not sure there’s a rule book for LBS either 
You know your self and your own natural baseline best.
I think it’s quite common that reduced contact brings some calm if only bc it is harder to focus on healing when you are still under active fire, and it may be that your prior hard work in understanding and managing your own anxiety is helping you now too.

Out of interest - accepting your point about posting creating a focus on the MLCer - what triggered your choice to post? What were/are you hoping to get by sharing your story here?

[KayDee]

Trying to understand what Acceptance is all about vs feeling emotionally numb. Because... I do still feel emotional around other stuff, both the joy and the pain. Healthy emotional, I must say.
Is it possible to feel emotionally numb around the whole MLC H business but emotionally healthy around other stuff in life?

In my experience, yes. There is often a question 'where does all that love go?" - the love we gave to our spouse. I didn't want to fall into a pit of despair, and I certainly wanted to give love in return for the embrace my loved ones gave me in the wake of BD.  I knew it was important to keep my joy and energy for other people and other things - things that were always separate from my H - like my work for instance. If you can do it (chose it?) then it will certainly aid your healing.

And I find it hard to be on this forum to share my journey because it pulls me back into thinking about him. But I wasn't so much occupied with him in the past days. It's just... describing my story just pulls everything up again, of course. So, it probably looks like — because I'm writing here — I'm constantly thinking about him or trying to fit him in the MLC stages, but I don't feel that way when I leave this forum. Sure, there are moments in which I think about him, and sometimes I obsess for a little bit, but I have post-its all over my home reminding me of: quiet — pursued — calm (I picked up those three words from Hearts Blessing to remind me of letting go and focus on my own life) and it works.

It's a delicate balance.  I often post on my own thread at my most conflicted. The mere act of sharing, putting something out there, it can help us see things from a slightly different angle. And posting has helped me to understand the crisis, as well as keep me on track in terms of caring for myself.

I actually feel okay, and it has been going on for several days now. I sleep okay. I eat okay. No issues focusing. I can read again (I'm a true book reader, but couldn't even finish one book in the past 2 months). But yeah, I'm, of course, also a bit wary of this state and feel like I'm a bit waiting for the next emotional wave to hit me.

Being with your feelings - allowing yourself to feel, that is important. Knowing that I will cycle, helped me too. My cycles come in bigger loops now. I notice this. I know bad phases will pass. I know to enjoy happy periods, and they will return.

[Baxter1]

Inanna,

First off sorry your here,and so sorry to hear your story. Also I think you’re doing great, it took me a couple of months to get back in a regular sleep pattern, the first couple of months NyQuil was my sleeping aid. Finding out about the Alienator has got to be hands down the worst, most painful and gut wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced. The pain, sadness, anger is just crushing. My BD was 3/23 and just knowing about it kills me. Just wanted to chime in and give you support, this is tough but looks like you’re tougher!

[Inanna]

Inanna,

First off sorry your here,and so sorry to hear your story. Also I think you’re doing great, it took me a couple of months to get back in a regular sleep pattern, the first couple of months NyQuil was my sleeping aid. Finding out about the Alienator has got to be hands down the worst, most painful and gut wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced. The pain, sadness, anger is just crushing. My BD was 3/23 and just knowing about it kills me. Just wanted to chime in and give you support, this is tough but looks like you’re tougher!

Aw, thank you so much, Baxter. And I'm so sorry that you had/have to go through this as well  Your BD isn't that long ago either. Wish you much love, courage and strength! We will get through this!

[Inanna]

It's a delicate balance.  I often post on my own thread at my most conflicted. The mere act of sharing, putting something out there, it can help us see things from a slightly different angle. And posting has helped me to understand the crisis, as well as keep me on track in terms of caring for myself.

Most definitely!
I was getting a bit confused. I love to share, and I know my story might help someone, just like your stories helped me. But it is a delicate balance, indeed. Especially when there are comments which state that I must be focusing too much on my H or the AP still, while I'm just sharing something because I have a moment of time to write something here on the forum. What I share is not always real-time experience or emotion, but reflecting on the past.

And yes, whenever I write on my blog, it feels therapeutic. I could easily do it just in my journal for no one to read, but writing it and knowing that someone might read and find it useful brings another flavor to the therapy of it all; that it's not in vain. Of course, on my blog, I write for myself first, and helping someone is second, a welcomed by-product 

Being with your feelings - allowing yourself to feel, that is important. Knowing that I will cycle, helped me too. My cycles come in bigger loops now. I notice this. I know bad phases will pass. I know to enjoy happy periods, and they will return.

I'm sure that with feeling okay now, there will be more moments of grief and anger coming. And yes, "this too shall pass" is one of my mantras these days.

Thanks, KayDee.

[Inanna]

Out of interest - accepting your point about posting creating a focus on the MLCer - what triggered your choice to post? What were/are you hoping to get by sharing your story here?

I shared a bit about my hopes in a previous reply. It feels therapeutic for me to share (that's why I also blog) and at the same time, it might help someone, like your stories helped me (and are still helping me, because I'm not done reading yet, hehe).

The things that get me confused are certain replies stating that I might be focusing too much on my H and/or the AP still. But after contemplating, I'm actually not at this point. What I write are reflections on the recent past, for emotional/mental processing with people who understand where I'm coming from. Of course, it isn't always comfortable, it does bring emotion to the surface and that can be quite hard, but I feel it's good because I want to feel all the feels and not avoid anything.

Maybe it's also important for whoever feels like replying to my story to not make assumptions. I do that too, sometimes, while we can never truly know what goes on in someone's head. Someone might be writing a whole piece about their H, but that doesn't mean they're obsessing about their H in that particular phase of their process. They might just be reflecting and processing. Like I'm doing most of the time...

[Inanna]

I'm having a really hard time today...
There are still feelings of inadequacy within me, a part of me that still wants to blame myself for what has happened, like I'm lacking something, and if I didn't, things would be different somehow.
I know that isn't true. I'm not perfect but there is nothing I could do to change things and make him not cheat on me and abandon me, or make him work at our relationship and marriage.

But today, I felt so stupid once again.

First, some background story: my husband told his parents about the affair the day after my birthday and 5 days before BD. They knew what he was doing and he prepared them for the fact that he would end things with me within a few weeks (but my intuition beat him to it 5 days later).

At BD, he told me that his mother was happy she was finally getting rid of me. And that his father just said: "If you're happy, I'm happy."

My FIL has terminal cancer. We got the diagnosis only a month before BD. It was a huge shock to all of us. I thought my FIL loved me very much but of course, he would support his son. My H is his only child.

But still, I wanted to somehow be there for my FIL until his passing and he seemed to appreciate it. I sent him birthday wishes in November and he even wished me courage and strength with my situation. I suggested to my H (when we still had contact) I would love to e.g. read to my FIL when he's too tired/ill to read himself, and my H told me that my FIL really appreciated the gesture but that he still felt good enough to read himself, but would think about me when the time comes he wouldn't be able to read anymore.

Today, I sent my FIL Christmas and New Year's wishes and asked again if I could help in any way, but I mentioned that due to the situation (almost NC with my H) and the fact that I currently needed people around me who hold my H accountable for his behavior, that I'm now a bit limited in what I can do for him, but that he could just ask and I'll try to do the best I can.

What my FIL sent back just shocked me.
First, he mentioned that it's not right that I didn't include my MIL in my message (my MIL is a covert passive-aggressive narcissist and never made it a secret that she didn't like me from day 1), that he supports my H 100% in everything he does, and that my message isn't exactly "peaceful" for this time of the year, and that he didn't expect me to reply. He signed with both his and my MIL's name.

Of course, I just fell down to the ground in tears. And after crying for a few minutes, this rage came up. I felt so so stupid to believe that this man would actually feel love toward me. Instead, he just stands behind my H, knowing what my H did. After 23 years? I just feel so stupid for believing that this man would actually care for me. How did I not see this coming? I would've never sent my message if I wasn't thinking he would appreciate it.

Maybe he had a bad day — he is very ill after all, although it's under control (but still, it's terminal — they just don't know how long he has). But then I started thinking... probably my H didn't tell them the truth, and probably, my H didn't tell me the truth either. I just went with the story my H told me about my FIL still caring for me and appreciating my gestures. But who knows...? I can't actually trust anything that comes out of my H's mouth, from long before BD.

Still... it really, really hurt to read that. I named the cheating, the deception, and the pain/trauma it caused me, and my FIL chose to ignore that by saying he supports my H 100% in everything he does. I never asked my FIL to choose sides because I know he will support his son, but at least, I expected some understanding and sympathy towards what I'm going through. That's all I ever wanted from my FIL, so that I could still be there for him during his illness. I was even planning on asking him if he wanted me to sing on his funeral, because I sang for both of his parents...

But now I think... stupid, stupid me. Why didn't I see it?
I'm not going to be part of his journey and his passing. I'm not going to be part of the funeral arrangements. I'm not going to be part of it all. 23 years of investing in these people... and what do I get? It's all about them and what they want and need. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I guess?

I was just having a more stable week without emotional drama due to the almost NC. And then this happens.
I'm so angry right now. And I'm angry with myself also. I know I need to forgive myself but really... in this moment, I could just slam my head against the wall. What was I thinking?

In my rage and pain, I just went ballistic to my H over Whatsapp.
I know... shouldn't have done that. But I did. I just text-shouted and -screamed at him for causing all this pain, saying they deserve each other (he and his FOO). Poor guy didn't know what was going on but texted back that he was on his way to his parents. Well... I told him. Now they can all have a nice conversation about it over pre-Christmas dinner.

Anyway... my intention now is to go back into almost-NC and let him take the initiative again (which he does not seem to do — it's just silence). Yeah... I made the mistake of contacting him today after what my FIL pulled off. I hope I can just let it be now and focus again on myself instead.

Even though it felt like a hard slap in my face with my FIL reacting like that, there is some relief also that I don't have to worry about my family-in-law. It's clear now. So, another few people were removed from the list today. Good riddance, I guess.

But it still hurts like hell. This isn't the life I imagined to have. It's hard to look back on my relationship with H now and still see the positive/beautiful aspects. I know those memories will come back but at this time, I can only see the chaos and ruins of it all, in-laws included.

It's not all misery, though. I was able to restore some of the mutual friendships. Went to a play last Wednesday and met a friend who said: "If my husband were to pull something like that, I would immediately kick him to the curb." I appreciated her outrage. She's genuinely concerned about the both of us, though. But most didn't survive as people just keep on enabling him and I can't have it. I don't ask from anyone to take sides but I do expect friends to call out and disapprove of his behavior, but some people who call themselves "friends" choose to ignore it instead, which, in my book, isn't friendship at all, not to me, not to my H.

It's such a complicated and delicate situation, these days, with the people around us... pfff...
It is what it is...

Back to business again. Detaching, self-care, and getting through these difficult days (because I'll be alone on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve for the first time in my life but fortunately, will see my family on Christmas Day and New Year's Day).

And hurray... the days are getting longer again, we're past Winter Solstice!

[Treasur]

I am very, very sorry that this happened.
You are not alone here in having in-laws that you genuinely believed cared about you in your own right behave in ways post BD that suggest that isn’t as true as you thought. Friends too.

One can explain these responses of course, just as you have done, but without excusing them. It is deeply disappointing when people are unable or unwilling to show empathy and compassion for you….it is not uncommon here, but still gut-punch disappointing. It tends to say more about their own coping strategies with difficult things than saying anything at all about you. I think you know that and that is good but it is still another kind of loss, isn’t it?

Most LBS find that this experience rips some old lenses from our eyes about how the world works, and how we work in the world, whether we like it or not. Having to accept the reality we see without finding it acceptable to us, right?

It can feel a bit - at least initially - like finding out that Santa isn’t real  But - and it’s an important But imho - it teaches us to find our natural tribe and be deeply grateful for them, whatever form that takes, while winnowing out our own version of a graceful Acceotance of other peoples limits and choices that exclude them for being part of our natural tribe. (Although I think it’s natural to feel that this is terribly unfair and unjust somehow, at least for a while)

Imho you’re not stupid, you just assumed as we humans tend to do, that most people think a lot like we do and will respond a bit like we would in similar circumstances. And it feels like another betrayal, doesn’t it? But, as you wisely say, it is what it is.

I’m sorry - understandable though it is - that you reacted in the moment by Whatsappi ng your h. Having said that, please be reassured that in the greater scheme of things, it changes nothing in either a positive or negative way. Think of it as an emotional burp lol. What I’d suggest though is that you set yourself a rule of 3 guideline from here on….doing nothing when your emotions are running hot….its the difference between reacting (usually not so helpful) and responding. It’s also where your own power and control lie  You might find it helpful to come here first, go aaargh, say what you’re thinking about doing and let the rest of us chip in with our collective spare brains? Sometimes we all need to borrow a bit of spare brain 

I hope that Christmas has pockets of things that please you, dear girl.
And just like the Winter Solstice reminds us, this time too shall pass - no matter how hard it is right now - and there will be a Spring even if you can’t quite see what it looks like yet.

[Inanna]

Thank you, Treasur. And I appreciate the great advice. I'll make a mental note to come to this forum first before taking any other action when something like this happens.

It is indeed so hard to accept a reality like this. It's so hard not to think that after 23 years of thinking something different, it must be me who is going insane. But I see that it's not me. It's "them." Something in me still wants to give "them" the benefit of the doubt. "Them," I mean, my H foremost. But he comes as a package, it seems.

It's reassuring, indeed, to read that no matter what I do or how I react, it doesn't change anything.
I don't like what I see from myself, though. It is truly an emotional reaction, a trauma response. I'm usually not like this. I've hardly ever been like this, not even in my teenage years, even though I had emotional reactions and trauma responses before. This is so different from anything I've ever experienced in life... it feels so... I don't know... primal? Like I'm fighting to survive while I know I should actually be thriving in this stage of my life.

I'm going to work on being extra gentle with myself in the coming week with Christmas and New Year. Boy, this is all so hard. So thankful for Kenda-Ruth's work and this forum with all of your support.