[Baxter1]

Re-

Thank you for the reminder. I struggle at times with the escape avoid concept. It took a while to realize that this is not a marriage problem. On the surface it definitely seems so. We had a good marriage but maybe I wasn’t good enough so she went to the alienator because he was ‘better’.
Thank God for sites like this, and Kenda and Hearts Blessings, it gives some comfort to know that this isn’t something I did/didn’t do that caused this. I wouldn’t have want to carry around the feeling that I caused the downfall in my marriage and destroyed the family, that would be a heavy burden to bear.

[Helpnewc]

Baxter,

It is all so mad. There is no doubt mistakes were made as in all marriage. Resentment is a big part of our story.

I wonder if there ever was a hope. Humans make mistakes. My wife has accrued every wrong that I have done and added them into a mountain.
It does not matter how sorry I am. Or that I have listened.

What I find fascinating is how she is blameless. It is 100 percent me.

It is such a strange experience. I admit I was stupid. But when I listened I took immediate action.

Keep your head down.

Help

[lost88]

I love your statement “it’s all mad.” I feel the same way everytime I wake up and have to process why I’m sleeping alone. I keep trying to show grace knowing it’s hard on everyone even the MLC’er.
I’ve told more friends recently and some are familiar with this lunacy, while others find it hard to believe. For those I tell them, it’s even hard to believe when you’re living it each day.

You mentioned you wondered if there was ever any hope - My W has told me several times she doesn’t want to give me any hope in Reconciliation. It seems from day 1 she’s been set on S and D. I’ve begun to make decisions that assume it’s going that way. I recently informed her of some boundaries that I put in place and kinda went on the offensive. I know some will say that will just push her away, but if that does then so be it. This toxic home life isn’t good for anyone esp me and the kids.

I’m sorry you’re going thru this and it just SUCKS! my situation is a little different where she tells
Me I’ve done nothing wrong and been a good husband and father. She has said she’s put me in the friend zone but her problems are hers and she needs to be selfish and live for herself. The inner voice is too strong to ignore. In a twisted way I almost wish I was getting blamed for things. Of course I would have had to have done them too.

The saddest part is no one wins in this. Most the midlife crisis BS out there (podcasts, articles) is positive with life coaches saying it’s a wonderful time for women to leave their mark and grow. Our MLC’s will find this info and believe what they are doing is right regardless of the collateral damage.
I wish they would all visit here but they are just promoting their business. It’s so sad and until this ever gets a formal diagnosis it won’t change! That’s what I’m most annoyed about lately. I’d love to start a movement so it becomes a recognizable condition and professionals are informed and trained on it. Not saying it would change a lot but there still would be change for the better!

Be well my friend and focus on what we can control.

[WHY]

Re-

Thank you for the reminder. I struggle at times with the escape avoid concept. It took a while to realize that this is not a marriage problem. On the surface it definitely seems so. We had a good marriage but maybe I wasn’t good enough so she went to the alienator because he was ‘better’.
Thank God for sites like this, and Kenda and Hearts Blessings, it gives some comfort to know that this isn’t something I did/didn’t do that caused this. I wouldn’t have want to carry around the feeling that I caused the downfall in my marriage and destroyed the family, that would be a heavy burden to bear.

Think about how many people never find this site or come to understand what happened.  They go through the rest of their lives carrying that blame….  I’m so grateful for finding this community. 

And this isn’t just an echo chamber where we make ourselves feel better. MLC is real.  I met a woman out of the blue one night that went through MLC and she was blown away, I mean absolutely blown away, at how I entered her soul when she told me about it.  She said not even her closest friends understood what I did.

She told me there was no infidelity and I fired back and said yeah right!, let me tell you about limerance….  You should have seen her face.  Her advice was “you just have to let your W go”.  She eventually returned after 3 years after she moved out (not sure how long she was at home), and is happily remarried to her old H. 

She said her awakening occurred when her H met someone else and he started to move on.  He’d been dating and she didn’t care.  But when he met someone real, and I assume enough time had passed for her fog to lift, she snapped and went back home.  I don’t know if her fog lifted because of this other R, or if it was because 3 years had passed.  I’m guessing it was more a function of time (6 months into replay she probably would not have cared). All interesting observations. 

This stuff is very real folks.  I wish more people understood it.  Even with all this knowledge, when I talk about it, friends and family still don’t really get it.  After two years…..   Besides HS, I’m really alone in this thing. 

Thank you HS. 

[HeavenlyFocus]

What I find fascinating is how she is blameless. It is 100 percent me.

It is such a strange experience. I admit I was stupid. But when I listened I took immediate action.

Hi Help,

Haven't posted in a awhile but your post still reasonates with me today as I am 3.5 years since BD.   As I have progressed, the blaming from my XW has stopped.    I think she inherently knows the issues are with her but I try to just let her be with the occasional reinforcement about the consequences being due to her decisions.   I'm just trying to move forward with life while still being supportive from afar.

This stuff is very real folks.  I wish more people understood it.  Even with all this knowledge, when I talk about it, friends and family still don’t really get it.  After two years…..   Besides HS, I’m really alone in this thing. 

Thank you HS. 

Hi Why,   Appreciate the anecdotal story of a former MLCer, and I also too feel alone in this after 3 years.    Only my brother understands as his W went through a MLC but came out of it after 3 years.  It's tough to explain to people what happened so I just have learned to keep it to myself.   The HS community remains my outlet to support me through this craziness.

HF

[mcm64d]

Baxter,

It is all so mad. There is no doubt mistakes were made as in all marriage. Resentment is a big part of our story.

I wonder if there ever was a hope. Humans make mistakes. My wife has accrued every wrong that I have done and added them into a mountain.
It does not matter how sorry I am. Or that I have listened.

What I find fascinating is how she is blameless. It is 100 percent me.

It is such a strange experience. I admit I was stupid. But when I listened I took immediate action.

Keep your head down.

Help

YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!! I went through the accrual and 100% blame also. And I also got that there were no good moments in our marriage.


It hurts at the time and for some time thereafter. But please try to remember those good times. Please try to remind yourself that nothing can be 100% your fault in your marriage. Please try to remember that you are the easiest scapegoat. Please remember you are never going to be perfect.

Please remember time heals all wounds....or as John Lennon said time wounds all heels.......

[Helpnewc]

A tough weekend.

My wife wanted to tell the girls. I asked if we could wait a little as the approval for the refinancing of the house will come through this week and then there will be more certainty.

She is angry that people have sympathy for me. That people say poor Help , he has listened and learned and she won’t forgive me. That is the truth but it does not agree with the it is all your fault narrative.

Her sister is coming up from Melbourne. She has done the same thing to her husband. Cosmetic surgery. All his fault. Exactly the same but with a physical affair and drugs. She wants to tell the kids as their separation will come up. I just that is our story not ours.

While it is hard, I am doing better. I was drinking too much for me, which is not a lot as it helps me sleep. I have laid it off.


She knows I have changed. She just says she does not want to be married. I say ok but I don’t lose my kids just you. Her expectations around parenting arrangements are odd.

I just have to have faith in the legal system. There are no risk factors and it should be 50/50ish. The problem is they get in your head.


And if I did not love her. I am going to try and go back to being a bit emotionally stunted for a while. I think I will need to.


And sometimes I wonder am I mad. Was I that bad? Why won’t she try? Or at least give me a chance? There is nothing rational going on.

[Evermore]

I’m so sorry to hear you had such a tough weekend Help. Well done for recognising that drinking too much isn’t the answer. You are definitely not mad and you sound sad and frustrated but stable.

I’m reluctant to ask you this. You say your W’s sister has done the same to her husband ‘Exactly the same but with a physical affair’. Why are you so certain (ARE you?) that your wife is not having an affair? I’m sorry to bring up this painful possibility. It might help explain some of her behaviours and attitude towards you that’s all.

[Helpnewc]

Hi Evermore,

She had an emotional affair at the beginning of the mess.

She now is generally home all the time and really only goes out with friends I know. The phone is not hidden like it was. I may be wrong but I don’t think there is anyone else.
She is very angry at me. I did let her down. I was not very emotionally connected and I have had to do a lot of work on emotion with my psych.

My wife is not good with forgiveness. She is just so angry that I did not listen before. She is right about that. I just worked and laud my priorities wrong.

I don’t think there is time for an affair. She is either with the girls or at home. Mainly her sister and her spend their time encouraging each other to run.

Anyway, she just equates marriage with male control and basically say because if we stay married I get away with treating her badly in the past. Which I did get wrong at times but not all the time.

Anyway, pretty sure there is no one else. Could be wrong.

Help

[Helpnewc]

I also suspect the other aspect is that as we are somewhat well off she is able to leave, live independently and have no debt.

All I know is she won’t give me another chance as she says she warned me and I did not listen. That is probably true but as soon as I had insight I took action. I was never abusive, not a drinker but just too absent with work.

Basically I had priorities wrong.