[Helpnewc]

Thanks Xy,

It is just hard. You can’t change someone’s view of you. You can’t make them remember the good when their brain desperately only wants to remember the bad to justify running.

20 months. 3 mistakes when I was stressed and swore at her. That is all that is remembered. Acres of space but no space. It really is a situation where there is absolutely nothing you can do.

But yet I love her. How I wish I did not.

[Helpnewc]

Evermore may be right.

Someone saw her out drinking with a bloke. I have not snooped but it fits.

I am pleased I have not gone pain shopping although it was tempting.

[Imgood]

But yet I love her. How I wish I did not.

You know you really love someone when you can’t hate them for breaking your heart.

^^^This popped up on my social media feed this evening. So true!

[UrsaMajor]

But yet I love her. How I wish I did not.

You know you really love someone when you can’t hate them for breaking your heart.

^^^This popped up on my social media feed this evening. So true!

The opposite of love is NOT hate.... the opposite of love is total indifference....

[FrenchHusband]

The opposite of love is NOT hate.... the opposite of love is total indifference....

Totally agree with that statement. And I will add that detachment is not indifference. I will not speak about W but about my children, especially the oldest ones D16 (soon D17) and D14 (soon D15). I love them, I care for them, I support them. I try to be a "good enough father" (reference to Winnicott).
Thanks to W's MLC, I have worked on myself and detached also from my daughters. When they are in teenage crisis (light monstering), I keep my balance and
I continue to answer with calm and assertivity. I see they are down sometimes and they want time and space (in their room, no greetings) -> I give them time and space and I do my activities. When they are up and we spend time together, we can have very good moments.
Before BD I was more affected when they monstered, and I over reacted. I could not face D16 and D14 when they were together united against me (other parents may understand what I mean  ). Now I can handle very well this kind of situation.

I know they will leave our home, D16 will do that in September and it is very fine for me. The more and more they take their own decisions : D16 could participate to African championships next month in her sport and could be qualified to the Olympic Games ; on the other hand she is preparing the high school final exam and very selective examination for a famous university and she is training very hard in her sport and doing regional competitions and stages. I let her decide alone, told her that I will support her choice whatever it is. And she chose not to participate to the African Championship (wise decision from my POV). I want them to be responsible with their choices, they are becoming adults.

I feel detached, proud and loving. Not indifferent.

[Helpnewc]

Yes French, calm is what I have learned. I used to be very tense and anxious.

I like the better me.

[Evermore]

Evermore may be right.

Someone saw her out drinking with a bloke. I have not snooped but it fits.

I am pleased I have not gone pain shopping although it was tempting.

I’m really sorry Help if it is the case that there is an OM. It does fit though and explains a lot of her irrational behaviour. Well… it doesn’t explain explain it, because it’s still a crazy thing to blame someone else when you are the one f’ing up. But it is often what people having affairs do. 

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi helpnewc,

The beginning of change is always hard, but life will get easier and better.

Some wise person taught me what you have is present moment, you can use it to shape a better tomorrow. It is all about daily small changes, adding them one after another.  It is a slow and long process, but you are doing good.

Keep going.

But yet I love her. How I wish I did not.

Human heart is funny in a way, that it fits so many things. You can love/hate a person without reciprocation. And you can love/hate many at same time. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it heals.

I would be far more worried if you did not feel love, but hate or even indifference. Don't run away the feeling, just let it find it's own way to become part of future you.

Alvin.

[Helpnewc]

I confronted her about the OM. To her credit she admitted she is spending time with “someone” and he is a good man and a devoted father.

I explained this was one of my boundaries and how hurt I was that I found out through local gossip. She said everyone knows we are separated and she had done nothing wrong. I said she agreed to tell me.

She has agreed to move to her parents on Saturday. I have gone to an Airbnb for a week as I just cannot be in the house with her knowing I was caring for our kids when she was dating someone.

I am deeply hurt that her parents knew and did not tell me. But I do get they have to support her.

It is so hard that some random gets a go but i don’t. Nothing I can do.

I do regret staying as long as I have but I hope this is a path to healing.

[Reinventing]

Helpnewc,

This is one of the hardest parts of what the LBS faces. Knowing that is a possibility is one thing, but knowing that it is actually happening is another thing.

As far as the OM being a good man and devoted father, please remember that a good man and devoted father doesn't have a relationship with a woman who is married. Also know that this was likely going on for awhile. She will try and portray it as more recent.

Nothing we can say can take away your pain, unfortunately. Try and find things that give your mind a momentary break and do more of those.

Just know that you are not alone in feeling this crushing pain and that you will survive.