[AlvinTheMaker]

But slowly, the truth seeps out. Even into the brain of the LBS. You realise you are not the devil incarnate. It troubled me for ages how I can be a good, kind man everywhere else but at home. I am just not that clever.

But the realisation you are a good person with good values does not bring the other person back. They have created a reality that is very real for them and I guess the only way for it to be pierced is time.

Particularly when the world does seem to have the man vs woman bent. And I do get it, men have had a good run and women have done it tough under our watch. Men have let women down. But the climate does make it easier to accept the male LBS was what the Female MLCer says. Problem is I never was.

Understanding it does not make it easier. Radical acceptance is the only way but that takes time. But acceptance does help a great deal.

And grief is ok. It is just my love persisting.

Amen. All so true.

If reflecting my own experience, you most likely will encounter grace soon (as it travels with acceptance). Grace will make pain and acceptance so much more gentle.

Keep doing what you are doing, as you are definitely healing.

Alvin.

[sachertorte]

I am so sorry you are going through this. As a woman LBS (6.5 years since BD) let me just say that you guys are all beacons for me. Knowing that there are men like you out there makes a big difference.

My XH was just like you guys. Upright, honorable, kind, fair-minded, loving, caring. Then, several losses and stressors later, he had an affair and did what you all know only too painfully. My own father's infidelities shaped me so I did everything I could to make sure I never ended up like my mom. And it still happened to me and my daughter.

So I want to really thank you all for giving me hope.

The current gender wars have not blinded all women to the profound goodness of so many men. You are amazing human beings above all. As your lovers, sisters, parents and children, we are truly grateful for all that you are and have done for this world.

I for example had many male mentors and friends who made life incredibly rich, fascinating and rewarding. I would never have been so happy and fortunate without them.

My XH was my greatest champion for two decades. We had the biggest blast. Nothing can ever take that away.

Please know that love and grace are yours to keep and continue to take care of yourselves. You are the light of this world. Thank you.

[Helpnewc]

Thank Sachertorte, I was quite moved by your message but at the moment I sob when I watch the 28 minute Bluey when the family are all together. My littlest is so beautiful she sees my cry and says Dad it’s ok you can squeeze all your emotions into me.

I don’t want to Matt Damon and I absolutely acknowledge that there are bad men and the patriarchy exists. I am fond of saying that assumptions hurt both genders and we miss out on different things.

I did make mistakes like anyone and should have understood being around was more important than bringing home money. But I was always supportive of my wife and all the women in my life.

One of the thing I have taken from this is a commitment to be a better role model for the young men who I work with about being more present in their families and working part time when they are young.

I too long for the gender wars to be over. Marriage is not in my view a construct for men to control their wife but something that represents building a life together equally.


But my wife’s narrative of control is readily accepted in this world. Facts like me always caring for the kids so she could do things so not with the narrative. It is easier to accept I am a the character that fits with the idea that I existed to prevent freedoms. When I all I wanted was to enable them.

But thank you for your message. I am sorry for your pain.

But there is something that has helped me a lot. My kids don’t know of the gender wars and just see me as a good dad. It helps me a lot but it does make it very confusing for them.


And obviously MLC is much more than the gender wars. But the polarisation does make it easier for the rewritten history to be accepted.

I just love my family. I always will.

[Helpnewc]

And thank you Alvin.

The old me would be ashamed to admit that I sobbed at your posts. But I did.

I hope that grace turns up soon.

[sachertorte]

Helpnewc, I am so sorry about the untrue allegations. It really is one of the most deplorable aspects of the personal hell we experience. And the injustice is doubled when the person in question uses a moral platform to achieve their selfish end.

The only thing I can say is that please don't think everyone would think the worst of you. A lot of women are not so partial to our own cause as to lose all common sense. Those who are eager to buy into the accusations are either firebrands who mean well, or eager to believe that the LBS deserves the desertion so that they can rest easy the same fate won't one day drop on their own heads. All perfectly understandable under the circumstances. But they don't possess the sterling judgment and moral imagination of the kind of allies you can count on anyway.

Even if those truly sound friends stay silent and away for the time being, they are not led astray by the smear campaign. And one would hope that the vast majority of men would know better to begin with.

You just need one female ally, if you want to do something about the defamation. (Might not be worth your time.) I would like to think that women's charitable instincts and empathy for other oppressed people will transcend gender prejudice. Don't pit your words against hers in public, as that would just fuel the power struggle in which she, as a Chaos Kid (yours may not be but from all I have seen 90% are) is entangled. Find the nexus woman who has clout and sense, who keeps the peace and throws the barbecues, makes phone calls to get people help, you know.

The fact that you are still standing alone would speak volumes!  Don't worry about her not believing you. Men virtually never open up. Y'all are taught by patriarchy that you must only confide your feelings to the woman you love romantically and no one else. So when and if you do, it's powerful. Women will instinctively know that you are honest, because patriarchy has taught you that being vulnerable is worse than being dead. You would be the paragon who speaks only out of love. What can be more honorable, loving and true than that!

Historically women have literally died for less than that kind of love. Not entirely sure why the female MLCers don't see that.

My XH may still be around, by the way, if he had been able to cry about his three relatives, rather than having an affair. He'd rather cheat than be vulnerable. Patriarchy won.

If I were you -- not that I am -- I wouldn't say your wife is in MLC. Say that she has every right to want to leave; own up to your 50% of the fault inside your marriage. If you say even a tenth of the things you tell in these posts to your ally, it will likely get through.

Show her this forum if you feel comfortable. These posts would blast all accusations sky-high.

Now, it's true that this might make your XW angrier. Then again, a lot of women respect men more for calling their BS. As they should. If the D is looming, I'd say you have very little to lose anyway. Women are communal, so some 2*4s from her friends might just beat some sense into her.

Sorry for all the unsolicited pennies here. I hated being bullied and hate to see other LBS getting these triple whammies. I hope that grace rains down. Do know that your kids are the luckiest ever to have you and let their love protect you. Mine did.

[Helpnewc]

Thanks Sachertorte,

I have a lot of good friends make and female.

And you are right. The love of your children does see you through.

I have never raised MLC. There is nothing rational going on. The narrative is entrenched.

I just accept the way ahead. I will be a good friend.  A good man. And mainly a good dad.

It is not the life I saw ahead but it is enough.

[sachertorte]

Good for you. Bless.

[Helpnewc]

They don’t like reality.

Our mediation about parenting is in mid June. I knew things would escalate as I have not caved in to what she wants.

So yesterday, my lawyer received a letter alleging I had made threats that I simply have not. For my own mental health, I read every contact I have had with her and I just did not do it. She has asked for all contact to go with her solicitor and then sent me emails directly.


I just did not respond to the emails. There is relief that now I can simply ignore them. It is distressing when falsity is alleged against you but I am staying focussed on what matters and that is getting equal time with my kids.

On that front there is a lot of improvement, as she disintegrates that want to be with me more. I am just being steady, loving and listening.


And I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.

[UrsaMajor]

Very simple....

All communications from you go to your lawyer with a copy to hers. Everything you get from her or her lawyer gets copied to your lawyer.

If she is making accusations like this, then she has to be able to back them up.... In the immortal words of Jerry McGuire


or

[Helpnewc]

So today we had our child inclusive mediation. The girls said they want more time with their dad.

My ex then put an offer that we would review the situation in 12 months. Which really was not an offer at all.

$12000 for the day and just no sense.

We will file and hopefully in about 12 months some sense will prevail. The whole thing is very odd.