[xyzcf]

Glad that you are feeling a bit more settled. The holidays and special days like your birthday and anniversary are "more" difficult.

Speaking about God, sharing your faith is certainly allowed. Our faith beliefs are an important  part of who we are, how we live our lives.

My faith has grown throughout this time, and there are many here who say that has happened. Faith in God has helped me to let go..because God's plans are not my plans but He knows everything about what is happening.

One HS members is a very close friend of mine, we live 5 minutes from one another and we share the same Christian beliefs. She has been an important prayer partner in my life for several years and I am very grateful that I met her on HS and then discovered she is my neighbor.

Fear is a part of the LBS journey. There are so many unknowns, so much insecurity. Gradually the fear is replaced with an understanding that we can't do anything to fix this, and as we build new interests and discover new friends, the fear subsides.

A new year, a fresh slate is also very hopeful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts today.

[mcm64d]

Thanks for reading X.

You are the second person to indicate that they have a neighbor on this site. Wishing I did....

If anyone is from Pennsylvania, please reach out to see if our cities match or come close!!!

There my begging is done for today 

[mcm64d]

Been trying to take a few "days off" from MLC but I now find myself in a low place.

Not as bad or as low as it was in the past, but I have broke out in tears a couple of times this weekend. New Year's Eve had never been an event for us as we always agreed to stay home and find something to watch on television with some good food, so I don't think that is the trigger here.

I am alone but not lonely. I have friends I text regularly and speak to occasionally. Been opening up a little more to those at work lately too. (I am largely an introvert who is not always keen on social interaction).

I am enjoying cooking again....nothing amazingly special but for a while there I hated it because cooking for one takes some getting used to. I ALWAYS did my fair share of cooking and cleaning and laundry...things my wife would say her female co-workers were jealous of and therefore another reason for what a great man I am. I do not think I am great but do think I am pretty special...with a few screws loose  .

The more I think about things, the better I feel about myself. Instincts tell me that this is her issue and that she knows it. My IC says I am very empathetic and although I do not think she subscribes to MLC per se, in the end she knows that I am correct in my assessment that none of this makes sense and that a lot of my stbxw words and actions indicate a deep feeling of guilt over all this, which would result in more hurtful behavior from her toward me.

I truly believe she will come back someday even though the odds are against it. I am certainly not depending on her to do so. I have made up my mind that in due time, I will start dating again. If I find the person I'd like to spend life with is unknown, as is what I would do if my stbxw comes back to some type of relationship.

Not really sure what the cause of my malaise is. And I do not expect anyone here to have the answer. Just venting and journalling I suppose.

Happy New Year everyone!!!!

[Reinventing]

It took me awhile to cook again too. Sometimes we can't put our finger on why we feel out of sorts. It's good to wonder why because we can consider reducing what causes us feeling out of sorts and doing more of what helps us feel stable.

The good thing is it's not as bad as the worst times and it's going to pass and you'll feel better.

[mcm64d]

Journaling……

So my real estate agent just texted me that the buyers of my house received and accepted an offer on their home, so the sale of my home looks to be coming sooner than later. Not sure how I feel.

Mostly thankful, even though I never really wanted to sell it, because it seems like a perfect end to a lousy year. Even though closing won’t happen until 2024, I am hoping to see it as a huge infusion into my falling behind retirement account. So it’s one step closer to “closure”. Only the paperwork from the court remains.

I think the last time I spoke to my wife on the phone was when I said something about not believing all of this happened and that she was selling her dream home. She started crying and hung up. Wonder what she’s thinking about this. Wondering whether I will have to hear about it….

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I am so sorry you are in your situation as your MLCer is high on octane to be done and move on. In my situation, my ex spent almost three years wallowing in our home, but once she filed, the divorce was completed in less than two months and she was out the door. The one thing I can advise as you go through the divorce process is that this is all now strictly business and you need to have a business mind set as you sort things out. She may say she is your friend, but divorce is not a friendly event and you want to avoid the mindset that if you are nice to her that she see what a great guy you are. I don't know if you have an attorney or not, but legal advice that pertains to the laws of your area always is preferred. 

I have read through your threads and a couple things stuck out to me.

The tendency to have the need to be right instead of accepting another's incorrect or correct opinion and moving on.

You, I, and almost every man in the world need to work on this issue. There is no problem about becoming a better listener, or on this forum, a better reader. One thing I have taken from my many years is to listen and ponder another person's perspective. Losing the weight and going to counseling are all positive means to become a better person. I just don't want you to revisit your entire marriage and ponder the times you were not at your best. I did it and managed to only make myself feel more miserable.

One thing that I have observed is that for the most part, the LBSers on the site are fixers. I don't know what brought you to the site, but while trying to figure out what was going on with my ex, I did research and came to this place. Fixers want to examine and figure out what went wrong so they can then taker corrective action. There is nothing wrong with that except, hold your breath, you have to move forward with the assumption that something is wrong with you and the marriage.

What if all the issues and problems were all within her and none of this pertains to you or your marriage- you and the marriage are just collateral damage?

I often try to put myself in the mind of the MLCer and what is driving them. One thing I often feel is that the MLCer operates from emotion based decisions as opposed to rational based decisions. Now we all do both and often combine a little of each. The difference is that the MLCer tends to be of the mindset, "I do this because it makes me feel better."  It is very self centered, "This is my time." "I want to think about me." Your wife seems to feel as if she had done things differently, her life would have magically been better. All of this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

I don't say this lightly. I have met several LBSers over the years and they are just regular people just like me. Very nice and friendly and just as bewildered as I was. Nothing wrong with them at all. They didn't have three eyes or while we were eating throw food at the waiter. Because the reality is that the crisis really had nothing to do about them.

My father in law cheater on my mother in law with one of her best friends when my wife was 6. He ended up marrying her. The step mom ended up abusing my wife. Both my wife and her sister have been chasing my father in law for validation all of their lives while belittling my mother in law until her death.

I am not a therapist, but I see a lot of childhood issues stemming from the father cheating, abuse by the step mom, and her mom passing. I read that it was her father that introduced you to her. A lot of issues to unpack and her crisis may be more tied to the guilt she feels on how she treated her mother to gain the affection of her father. Once again, this is all about her and nothing to do with you.

If anyone is from Pennsylvania, please reach out to see if our cities match or come close!!!

Unfortunately, I am in California. I did spend a Christmas in Bethlehem, PA while I was in college with a friend. It was really beautiful and I had a lot of fun.

Have a great day and enjoy the new year,

(((Ready)))

[mcm64d]

Ready,

You are very perceptive and 100% on base with your observations. I have no doubt her crisis is involving the dad triangle for brevity.....

After she left but before she started the monstering, she needed her father's help moving out her belongings. He's a bird watcher. He received a call while helping his daughter move that a rare bird was in the area. He left her to see the bird. That should tell you what she has had to deal with.

And while I agree about having empathy, and trust me I do think what she is going through has been due to a lifetime of this type of nonsense, the selfish part of me thinks "I am the only one she had that truly cared. And I do. Almost every major decision in life was to her benefit even if it hurt me a little, every path I took in life had her best interests at heart, and she leaves ME???" Guessing she cannot leave what she never had including her father and possibly her sister.

Anyway 100% correct my friend. Thank you for the extremely thoughtful post.Happy New Year. And just because you are almost perfect in your post, I live less than 15 minutes away from Bethlehem.....

My malaise I spoke of before has to be the irregular schedule that comes with the holidays. And tbh, this has effected me in previous years as well. Just have the added layer of this added the year and wasn't seeing it properly. All will be well today and moving forward as I like to have time off but I also like some structure daily. My apologies for not seeing this and adding it to this post unnecessarily.

Speaking of which....totally irrelevant to anything but two things for any of my British friends here:

1- Plymouth v Watford is an absolutely entertaining match currently.
2- Watched some of the London New Year's Day parade. Why are all of the talent seemingly from high schools in the U.S.?

[mcm64d]

So my wife asked me a little while ago if I wanted to keep the dental appointment in the office she works this month. I ignored it. I figured the answer should be relatively easy to predict.

Well I just got a text from her coworker asking the same thing. Nevermind they have a text reminder thing that comes through verifying the appointment . I politely asked to cancel it.

But what I really wanted to say is why would you want a psycho time bomb in your place of business?

Guessing I wount be hearing from my wife anymore.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

You handled that very well. In the situation, you are in a lose/lose. If you don't go, she tells everyone you are spiteful. If you go, she tells everyone you are clinging and won't accept the fact that it is over between the two of you. Can't win in either case. So, do what makes you feel sound and whole.

Trust me, my ex was a master in placing me in those lose/lose situations. It all just serves to justify their choices and actions.

Continue to move forward and make choices that benefit you and how you can achieve balance in your life again. To be honest, you are doing very well considering the time frame. In fact a lot of the newbies are further along the path to detachment than I ever was. I was a complete basket case and totally miserable. Be proud of how you are doing and as I said before, be really good to yourself. Part of detachment is healing and that takes time as well.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

[mcm64d]

I wouldn't be surprised if my xw told her coworker to call because I was being difficult but I really don't care.

She actually texted me the week of Christmas about it. Thought that was especially cold since she knew I would be spending the holidays alone. But I won;'t show her that kind of hurt any longer.

Thank you for your kind words. It is because of people like you that we can recover faster imho.