[aphexx13]

My wife and and i have been together for 5 yrs and married for 2 yrs. i am 52 and she is 43. she blindsided me last Thursday saying she is filling for divorce. wants no counselling and said nothing i do or say will change her mind. i felt something was off 2 months ago but every time i would question her she said we were fine and said it was just her depression. she was still having sex with me even 3 days before the bombshell. she would act sweet and kind the day before and wrote me a nice birthday card last november saying how happy she was and what a great life we had. at the start of our relationship i told her that 2 other women blindsided me the first one being my first wife who acted like everything was fine and i caught her cheating on me right after christmas. the 2nd girl i was engaged to wrote me a text saying how much she loved me and couldnt wait to marry me then 3 hrs later broke up with me through email. i begged my wife to please communicate any issues and not blindside me like they did. she promised she would talk to me and go to counselling if things got bad. i made the mistake of not maintaining my friendships during our marriage and i put all my time into my wife and kids. i only have my 88yr old mom left who is in bad health and my 10 yr old daughter left. my daughter is from another relationship. my daughter and stepdaughter are super close to me and each other. this is going to crush them. my wife doesnt seem to care her mind is made up. i feel so alone and isolated. i am in agony and the only thing keeping me going is my daughter. i will not leave her without a father.

to make things worse i have been on long term disability and only make 60% of my jobs salary. i feel like i cant afford to live now and i need major back surgery. i suffer from a panic disorder and anxiety. my wife has major depression. i dont want to die but i dont want to be alive. i am so afraid its going to be too much to handle.

[Dragonfly33]

Hi aphexx welcome to the club. I am sorry that you are in this situation. I have been where you are now 4 years ago and I know how difficult it is. I even tried to do something bad to myself after my BD. In hindsight, I regretted hurting myself. Nobody is worth taking your life. If there is someone you have to protect at all cost at this moment, it is YOU. You mentioned you have a daughter, she needs you. You will get this through. I know how hard it is to believe that statement now but believe me I was once in your situation now and I made it through. If you feel so bad, go outside and take a walk. The fresh air will do you good.

Do you have a therapist? I'm asking because you mentioned you have panic disorder and anxiety. If not, perhaps you can find one. I don't know where you are and how insurances work in your country. Counselling helps a lot, I can attest to that. It helps because you can talk about everything without fearing of being judged. You also mentioned that you don't have friends anymore. Perhaps you can try and contact your old friends. I did that and to my surprised they were very happy that I contacted them. Friends helped me a lot. And don't forget, you are here now. You will gain virtual friends here that will help you keeping going. A lot of the people here helped me a lot when I was in my darkest moments.

Keep going my friend. We are here for you.

[aphexx13]

thank you for the hope and kind words. my daughter defiantly keeps me going. im starting with a councilor tuesday. and im reaching out to my old friends and trying to make new ones. i look forward to making some friends on here hopefully.

[lost88]

I’m sorry as well .. I’m in a similar boat that continues to take on water. The advice / strength you will find is unrivaled. I’m glad you found this so soon. It sucks - no other way around it - and I’m only a few months ahead of you so I get it. Post often - ask questions - and read as
Much as you can on this sight amongst others ..

I have 2 kids as well and that’s my only concern. I will add that all the advice you get here is going to be opposite of what you think you should do, which is gonna be very difficult to execute on. I finally come that conclusion and feel much better about everything. In fact, I’ve actually gone on the offensive for a change.

I’ll also say, remember this, none of this is your fault and there’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent it. This is the crazy stuff for movies that people don’t understand unless they’ve been through it, so don’t beat yourself up over it.

I’m sorry but you’re in the right place my friend …
You’ll bee said but will eventually get strong 💪

[aphexx13]

thanks for the words of hope. And good luck on your own journey.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi aphexx13,

And so sorry for you have ended up here. The following months will be hard as hell, but eventually you will learn to appreciate it all as you will become best version of you.

Re, anxiety.... What helped me a lot was understanding that anxiety on itself is neither good or bad. It is just unchanneled energy that easily gets wasted into things like pacing, overthinking etc. Refocusing that energy into something useful, say coming up with a plan for better life for you and your child, there's your gamechanger.... Changing behaviour and patterns is not easy (and will take months of practice), but you will get there. And you will eventually build a good life regardless of what happens with your marriage.

Alvin

[aphexx13]

thanks for the hope. i just found out that my wife is already dating after she said she wanted to be alone for a while to work on herself. another lie. im angry at myself because i thought she would miss me and change her mind. im also angry that she couldnt even wait to get divorced.

[lost88]

Sorry to hear that but not a shocker .
Some of the best advice I found here was
Don’t believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do.

They will lie about things that aren’t even important. It’s the strangest thing imaginable. You have to start to expect the worse so your not surprised and the when revealed the pain is much less.

Sorry and I know it’s hard - the sooner you accept your wife is no longer your wife the better of you will be emotionally and physically.

[aphexx13]

Thanks for the support.  I'm starting to realize that.

[FaithWalker]

Welcome to the club no one really wanted to be a part of, but since we have found ourselves in the LBS club, it's the best club to end up in, since it was inevitable.

Don't be surprised if your wife wasn't already dating before her big divorce reveal.  Many humans in crisis do that.  Lie and say they want to alone for a while, meanwhile having someone already waiting in the wings.

You did not cause this and you cannot fix this.  She is running from herself and the rest of you are collateral damage.  Be there for your daughter, and if you can, for your step-daughter as well.  If you haven't had a chance, read the link in my signature "Survival Instructions for Newbies"

Post here as often as you need.  We have LBS around the globe and someone is bound to be up.

Take care of you.  Put on your oxygen mask.  Try and eat something or drink (smoothies, protein shakes) when you can, drink plenty of water, go for walks.  You may need some melatonin for a while to help you sleep.