[aphexx13]

thank you for the support. my next post was from last week. i havent been posting on here but this will catch you guys up.

[aphexx13]

I ended up in the hospital Tuesday morning with a pulmonary embolism. luckily my heart is fine and i don't have any clots in my legs. they couldn't find a reason where the blood clot came from but they think my sedentary lifestyle because of my disability. and after i got blindsided by my wife wanting divorce i was even less active so that didnt help. As soon as my wife heard that i had a pulmonary embolism she left work and came to the hospital and stayed with me every day until i was discharged. she was acting like the woman i married. her brother died from a pulmonary embolism 2 years ago so i think this triggered her. yesterday before i was discharged the hospital called my wifes phone to talk about some free resources. my wife handed me her phone to talk to them and in her haste to give me the phone she didnt close her text message conversation. when i got the phone there was the conversation right in front of me with a new guy shes talking to and it was very intimate conversation with him. i was in shock my wife realized her mistake and jumped up and grabbed the phone to close the text message. after i got through with the phone call she wasnt talking about it so i confronted her about it. she claims it started as a distraction and it wasnt serious but she wasnt going to stop talking to him.



before i got admitted to the hospital my wife had plans to spend the night with her girlfriend tonight and come home saturday. now she said she is canceling because she didnt want to leave me alone overnight so she is going to spend the day tomorrow with her friend and come home. before i went into the hospital my thoughts was she was going on a date with the guy she is talking to and depending on how it went go spend the night with her friend. now i think she is going to see her friend in the afternoon and going on a date after that with this guy.



this morning I was in the bathroom and i saw a text message to a new guy that she is meeting up with tomorrow night after she sees her friend. so now shes got multiple men going on. She did the same thing with her last husband only worse. I told her that im still hurting from the shock of the divorce and the thought of her with another man already is just as painful. how can she miss me or have second thoughts about divorce if she has all these men to take her mind off of it? i think thats why she does this.



Im sick to my stomach over this. yesterday i was so depressed in the hospital i wanted to die. i had a sliver of hope after seeing how she was taking care of me in the hospital but it was destroyed after seeing that text and then this one this morning. Here i am sitting home alone with oxygen to my nose with a pulmonary embolism i almost wish it would have killed me. She claims shes still grieving our marriage but shes grieving differently than i am.

[aphexx13]

i did find out that the guy she is talking to is a friend from 20 yrs ago that is going through a divorce as well. he didnt want the divorce so this is a set up for disaster i think. im struggling very hard with the idea of her with someone else.

[aphexx13]

finally reaching that angry stage with my wife. shes talking to like multiple guys now and right  in front of me. like i dont know whats going on. she really is cruel and its not the same person i fell in love with or married. im pretty sure its a distraction for her to mask the guilt and not think about changing her mind. she also brought home the divorce papers but didnt give them to me yet. i got more bad news at the dr today about my blood clot in my lung and it could be from a blood disorder and more clots may be coming. so i think she felt guilty about giving me the papers yet. shes in such a rush to get divorced and get me out of the house. i feel like ive died and im in hell right now. so many bad things are happening to me in such a short period of time. 1. wife blindsides me with divorce. 2. i cant afford to move out on my own. 3. i land in the hospital with a blood clot in my lung. 4. more bad news about blood clots and my heart.  whats next? im almost praying for death in my sleep.

[amazinglove]

I’m so sorry to hear about your pain. I understand it as I am dealing with  infidelity too  - and most of us on here know this pain unfortunately too.
It’s horrible. I am sorry all these bad things seem to be happening at the same time!
It’s always darkest before the dawn. Hold on and things are bound to improve on one front or another.
 You are not alone!

[WHY]

Read about narcissistic supply.  That’s what she’s doing by rubbing it in your face.  You see it as cruel.  She doesn’t.   All she’s doing is feeding her low self esteem and needs the supply to get through the day. 

The more upset you get about it.  Or if say something about it or blow up.  The more important she feels and it fuels her narcissistic supply.  And she’ll keep doing it and ratchet things up to get bigger reactions and bigger supply.  It’s a viscous cycle.  The more worked up you get.  The worse it’s gonna get cause she’s gonna get addicted to the supply.

My advice is cut the snake off at the head and step away completely.  I know it’s hard.  But it does get easier as time goes by.  Just constantly remind yourself.  When you blow up on her.  You’re not gonna make yourself better.  And you’re actually making it worse by feeding her supply and causing her to escalate with worse behavior.  With this rule in mind.  It becomes easier to step away.  Program yourself to think like this. 

And I’m not talking about ignoring her, or refusing to talk to her, or pretending that you don’t care.  That in itself fuels supply.  I’m talking more along the lines of responses like “ok”, “uh-huh”.  Acknowledgment with less than zero reaction.  And you go on with your life like it means nothing and the cross word puzzle you’re doing is more interesting. 

But I warn you.   When their supply gets cut off.  Prepare for narcissistic rage.  It’s real.  And you’ll get the full force of it.  You will see monster.  It may give you some satisfaction that you’ve gotten to her or that she’s still feels something for you.   Don’t fall into that trap.  Don’t take the bait.  Remember.  Not your circus.  Step away completely and go back to your crossword puzzle.   

However, after a few months.  She’ll realize the supply from you is gone, and she’ll more than likely move on to other sources.   Freeing you from daily mental torture.  And mission accomplished.   It takes time.  But it’s worth it.  And there’s little margin for error.  Just remember your rule and you’ll get through it. 

Just remember.   Reacting or unloading does not make you feel better.  And it actually makes things worse as she’ll look to escalate to get more of that juicy supply.  Not your circus.  Step away. 

You can do this.  Good luck friend. 

[aphexx13]

thanks for the advice and support. ive actually started to not even pay attention to her and just watch tv and not even look at her and i stopped making comments to her.

[Treasur]

Sounds to me as if your immediate priorities are regaining your health in so far as you can and finding a way to financially support yourself living somewhere else. And that those probably feel like pretty big things to do solo right now. Have you looked around to see who might help you in your area? Or even if your medical team can suggest resources you can link in with? Do you have any family or friends nearby? Have you consulted a lawyer on your mutual rights and obligations if you are divorced given your health situation?

You can’t do anything about your wife. You may be able to do some things about your health and financial survival and a roof over your head though. I just wouldn’t expect your wife to be part of the solution or part of your ongoing support system. That’s not fair or kind, I know, but better to deal with how it is than wait for something to magically get better imho

[aphexx13]

yes you are correct. havent found any resources for help although im still looking. the only family is my 88 yr old mom who cant really help as she lives in a 1 bedroom assisted living. friends have no help either. im speaking with a lawyer this week.

[Treasur]

That’s a very  positive and constructive step, if not an easy one, so well done