[aphexx13]

anyone else go through self loathing? i feel like if i didn't have the flaws that my wife saw in me things would be fine. I'm codependent and I'm not ambitious enough right now because since my back injury i had to go on long term disability so i was only bringing in 60% of my salary so that caused a strain on our finances. although my wife didnt help by getting her hair dyed every 3 months that cost 300$ and her nails every month. that put me in a deep depression because i could no longer do physical labor and if i wanted to work again i had to start over and take some courses in computers. starting over at 52 is very scary and im not sure if i would even make it in the computer field. i felt like a failure and my confidence dropped in myself which isn't a attractive feature. right now i wish i wasnt me.

[Reinventing]

Although I wasn't facing the same changes in life that you are, yes, I had a lot of self-loathing. Every comment my XH made about why he left cut deeply and I took at face value instead of realizing he was projecting his issues on to me.

I couldn't go to the mall because of all the photos of beautiful women and I imagined how OW look like that. I felt worthless.

How wrong I was. He was the one that was in turmoil and had projected his weaknesses on to me. He was the one that was doing ugly things by lying, sneaking around, gaslighting me, etc.

[aphexx13]

counseling went well today. we are starting to dig into my codependency and unhealed child hood wounds of abandonment. before i met my wife i took 6 years off from dating to work on my boundaries and confidence. my daughters mom who is either a narcissist or sociopath really did a number on me. so after that i decided to work on myself which lasted 6 yrs. i ended up with really good boundaries and regained self confidence. i got on a dating site and the first person i choose was my wife. she was very different in the beginning and i saw no red flags. after a year they started to appear but i let them slide because i thought it was her clinical depression. i think i allowed my boundaries to slide because my core wounds were never dealt with. i eventually lost most of my self confidence especially after i became disabled. i felt like i let my family down by not being able to provide as well as i was before. i talked it out today with my councilor today that becoming disabled wasnt my fault and i was still bringing in money and i had a plan in action to take online courses in computers. i was in limbo with not knowing if i should stay on disability while applying for social security. i wasnt happy with the thought of being on disability for the rest of my life. my wife knew how depressed and unhappy my situation was with staying on disability.

my long term disability compony offered free resources for online courses. i started taking the courses at the end of last year. we were struggling last december with finances and i was stressing about how we were going to give the kids a decent Christmas. i told my wife i was going to put my online courses on hold untill the first week of January because i couldnt concentrate with the stress about money and i didnt want to fail the course. this was one of the reasons my wife gave me for the divorce. she said i wasnt being serious about taking the courses to help us get out of debt. my councilor said that was just a excuse because i still had a plan of action and the courses weren't going to provide a job immediately.

another puzzling thing is last week my wife brought the divorce papers home but never gave them to me and took them back to work. she didnt know i saw them.

[aphexx13]

so my wife gave me the papers to sign tonight. she wanted me to sign them without filling out division of property. she expects me to just trust her. im not stupid so of course im not. ive got  a consultation tomorrow with a lawyer. i will be getting advice from him. my wife got extremely agitated that im going to see a lawyer. she says its not a complicated divorce so i shouldn't need to talk to a lawyer. Im just worried about her retaliating by changing the locks. meanwhile shes going out on a date tomorrow night. i have a codependency meeting tomorrow night so her kids 12 and 16 will be home alone. not that big of a deal but she has this weekend free she could have scheduled her date then since according to her she wants to be alone and spend time with her kids.   

[UrsaMajor]

You are right to NOT trust ANYTHING that an MLC'er says. and getting legal advice is a good first step.

If she retaliates by changing the locks, there are likely legal recourses you can take, especially if your name is on the deed/mortgage.

She's getting agitated because she is going to be told that she does NOT get to have all the cake and eat it too.... She will have to share....

[aphexx13]

my wife and i went over our taxes tonight. my disability check doesnt have taxes taken out so to offset that we were taken extra out of my wifes check every week during last year. we got back some on federal but we owed 250$ state tax. she said that its fair that we split the federal 60/40 me getting 40. and i have to pay the state tax. does this sound fair?

[aphexx13]

well it looks like divorce is going to proceed. i have moved everything bills and such to my account. the only thing left to do is sign the papers which im doing tomorrow. we are waiting for our taxes to come back so i will be moving out by april 1st. and then it will be no contact for a while other then to get the kids together for a day at the park or movie or something. she already has someone shes talking to so i guess thats it. part of me says good riddance to someone that has treated me this way but i was really hoping to save the marriage. fools hope i think