[Anoi]

And some things i take with a sence of humor, really:)
He is a 5yo, always been, always will be.
Friday i tell him that i would like to talk, monday or Tuesday cause i miss his voice.
I wasn't intending to have serious conversation, just a bla bla abouth this and that. He agrees immediately, no problem:)
Last seen in whatsapp yesterday, messages now are not being delivered (blocked? I don't think so, just switched of his phone probably).
Lol, it's really a good tactics when ppl know where you live:)))
Probably not having the great day today,but still escape and avoid in my husbands way is so childlike  and funny:)))

[Treasur]

Good to know you have support, thanks for letting us know.

[Anoi]

So he answers today, that he is not in a good or positive mood, so maybe we can speak tomorrow or later... i say i understand and we can talk when he feels like it.
We have a joint bank account. In the evening i see that he had a dinner in the region where Only his EA lives... till 9.40 pm. By the amount of money he paid for both... #%#$#$
They didn't go out during non working days before, ever. She has kid and husband at home ffs.
But apparently now they do. Wonderful.
My first thought was hope - he told her everything and quit his job.
My second thought was awful fear - They are together
Now that i lay in the bed, after calming myself down i don't know what it was, he will not tell me anyway and what can i do? I can't stop it. Can't stop him.
Can only breathe out the anxiety and sleep well tonight.
I am not ready for divorce:( and if they are together he will demand it very soon.

[KayDee]

I'm trying to think of the best words to say to you because you are only a few months in and I remember this time well. I felt like I'd been tasered. It's so hard to even know what to think because we keep getting battered over and over. So instead of having space to really think, we just react. I think we all did it. Either react with catastrophising aka an emotional meltdown or react by trying to reach the MLCr for some sort of answer or comfort. I learned, neither really made any sense or gave me any comfort. What helped me, was to create a safe haven for myself, with only people I truly trusted allowed in. That meant my H was out of the loop. I told him this. I told him I wanted space to heal. In the main, he respected this. I suggest that directly, or indirectly, your H is trying to poke you (or get some sort of rise/attention) with that restaurant bill. Clearly he knows you will see it. Consider coming off that account if you can. Set up your own account. Cut out that conduit of pain (and control). You see, our imaginations make a much prettier picture than really exists. Really there are two betraying people, having dinner, which likely tasted sour, as they look across the table at the betraying mirror of themselves. It's not a pretty picture at all. His behaviour, and hers (if you care to even consider it) says everything about them. Nothing about you. Believe me, I know it's hard, but if you cut out all the pain shopping and refocus your gaze on those in your life that deserve your love and care, you will slowly start to heal. For now, he is not worthy of you. Fact. Sending hugs and solidarity... KD

[Anoi]

I'm trying to think of the best words to say to you because you are only a few months in and I remember this time well. I felt like I'd been tasered. It's so hard to even know what to think because we keep getting battered over and over. So instead of having space to really think, we just react. I think we all did it. Either react with catastrophising aka an emotional meltdown or react by trying to reach the MLCr for some sort of answer or comfort. I learned, neither really made any sense or gave me any comfort. What helped me, was to create a safe haven for myself, with only people I truly trusted allowed in. That meant my H was out of the loop. I told him this. I told him I wanted space to heal. In the main, he respected this. I suggest that directly, or indirectly, your H is trying to poke you (or get some sort of rise/attention) with that restaurant bill. Clearly he knows you will see it. Consider coming off that account if you can. Set up your own account. Cut out that conduit of pain (and control). You see, our imaginations make a much prettier picture than really exists. Really there are two betraying people, having dinner, which likely tasted sour, as they look across the table at the betraying mirror of themselves. It's not a pretty picture at all. His behaviour, and hers (if you care to even consider it) says everything about them. Nothing about you. Believe me, I know it's hard, but if you cut out all the pain shopping and refocus your gaze on those in your life that deserve your love and care, you will slowly start to heal. For now, he is not worthy of you. Fact. Sending hugs and solidarity... KD

I think in a way i am past the stage of being frozen and shocked, yeah it happened, my husband is in MLC and i can't change it. I don't trust his words or his actions, more so his promises.
I think he is so concentrated on himself he doesn't even realize that i see what he is doing and when. And it has definitely nothing to do with him trying to poke me. He just tries to figure out himself, get that poor lady to be with him and keep his head above the water, feeling that each day he drowns a bit more.
He does take care of home and himself, but i know for a fact that there are a lot of big things, important things that he procrastinates on, making that huge snowball of trouble that can potentially be my trouble, so i prefer to keep it in check for now. It's nothing new, he was always this way, i was the one dealing with the fruits of his procrastination.
I work on having no expectations of him and letting go, focusing on my own life goals.
I guess from hoping for the better i came to the point of expecting the worst possible/having no expectations at all (depending on the life aspect) from him.
For example he wanted to talk this sunday and give me the ride from the airport on monday, i don't expect anything of this happening cause the mood can switch and he can go into his hiding. Or tell me something that i don't want to hear, or be nice. No one knows, he doesn't too:)
So i count on myself and what i can do now, to put my life back on track.

[KayDee]

You sound like you are in a better place Anoi - good to read. What you wrote about you H trying to keep his head above water - yes! I think the same for my H. Exactly. Thanks for reframing it. In my case though, I still think it is both things - on one hand focusing entirely on what he needs to be 'happy' in the moment (therefore, no strategic or longterm thinking beyond that moment) and a kind of destructive/self destructive approach to his actions that burn bridges through continuing to inflict pain.

Anyway, glad you now count on yourself - that way you know you will get to the airport 

[Anoi]

Well, i came home. Lol it sounds like i am the MLCer not him:) It wasn't planned at all, i wanted to stay for 1 day, to reorganize what i take and go away.
Instead i got picked up from the airport and headed straight home  without stopping at the place where i was supposed to go... There are a couple comfort problems there, but fixable, anyway go figure why he decided to bring me straight home.
I didn't expect any change in behavior and there is none, he doesn't look happy, he doesn't look good.
Home is relatively clean, cause i left it so and not much was done, ofc instead of contacting me with practical questions he decided to do everything on his own and it led to a couple of newbie mistakes and killing the aquarium. In less than a month, yeah. The whole aquarium experience apparently was super horrible for him and he didn't think i will react calmy and supportive, but i did cause i felt nothing but sorry for him.
"Are you in a hurry for difficult talks?" He asked me in the first day - i said no, i am not ( i was exhausted and why hurry) so in a couple of hours we were already playing together and not having any talks.
I asked him if he did a couple of things that he planned to do and was supposed to do, he told me it was "wishful thinking on his side"... i always believed in him more, than he did in himself, i guess he was right and i was wrong.
I always tried to cook good and yummy, so i proposed i cook something when we stopped at the shop " i wouldn't ask you, but if you want..". I want, why not? Told me that he ate very simple and that he was always very simple with food, i guess some sort of poke, cause i never cooked simple and he enjoyed good food, but if he is very happy on his pizzas and bread and cheese, thats his choice. He seems to think that his body will be fine with such a diet too, well it will not.
A couple of months ago we were at the dentist and she told him to check his tooth. Ofc he didn't. So yesterday i got every LBS dream come true - my husband laying on the floor, crying and begging for help. Yeah the tooth.
I took care of finding emergency room, filling up papers and all that. It was really bad pain, they had to give him morphine and many other pills.
Ofc my weedhead of a husband wanted to drive back home by himself, when painkillers finally worked after a couple of hours. Cause he is fine! So i had to ask doctors to forbid him that and they insisted on calling taxi. Ofc "it was a wrong decision on my behalf and he felt bad that i mentioned that he wanted to drive to the doctors". I said if you want the car is there, but i will use the taxi. So thanks god he didn't drive that night. But i was wrong..yeah, sure:) Gratitude? Non. I didn't expect it too.
Even being through such pain, with no guarantee that it will not return, he procrastinated on calling the dentist, so could only get an appointment for tomorrow. I will not be able to go with him, cause i have my own thing to do at the same time, but apparently i am staying for now and taking care of him. Which i don't mind, cause being home is nice and his behaviour has much less effect on me now.
He Lets me hug him, lets me kiss him on a cheek and such ( i didn't even try lips cause i don't feel like it), a couple of kisses back and he hugs back, nice as he always is, but no initiative, tries to show me how he is not interested. Well let it be so, i enjoy a little hug and physical contact and i get it and he can refuse if he finds the strength to. Plus i will be out pretty soon.
Some "we will" are popping up here and there from him. I didn't check his phone, only checked his history in case he searched for divorce, but seems not for now, will see if he demands it i will say no, but i am not sure he will.
I don't know where my powers come from to just feel sorry for him and a bit numb, being nice with him and all that, but they are coming from somewhere. I did enough damage on my side ( doesn't mean i am guilty of mlc or what is happening) and i don't want to do more, he has enough on his plate and i have enough on mine. So i hope i will be able to keep my emotions in check and calmly finish this little adventure and continue with my big one.
Only seeing him so weak, small, lost, incapable to communicate and abandoned in how he looks, made me fully accept and realize that i can't fix him, that it's his crisis, that he is suffering and that it is for years for him. I will be fine and i feel sorry for him, he will not be fine. It's impossible to be fine in such state and place.
I accept that it is what it is and don't have any good expectations anymore. GAL is the only way.

[Anoi]

Hello to all who reads it. I am sorry you and i know a special sort of crazy people, who we love or loved.
So the last news from LaLa land that out of a sudden!!! month of solitude was enough to figure out that he is not the way he was before and that he is missing everyday having somebody ( yes he said somebody, not me in particular) at home to connect and talk with. Amazing discovery came with his proposal that i stay at home For now, cause it's practical, other home is a lot of work and because of his amazing discovery.
Well, lets see how it goes, it's harder to detache, but i don't have more comfortable choice for now, then my own (?) home.
For now i manage to not put my emotions on him. He comes late, goes early, does whatever i react only in positive way. Why? No, not to please him, to please me, no talks will fix his mlc, but they can definitely make me crying, anxious and sad even more than i am.
So i try to fix the only person i can fix - me.
I found a wonderful meditation on youtube it's called "it's okey" and first time i listened to it back at my friends place and i cried my eyes out, because this gentle woman's voice was telling me what i really needed to hear, that i am okey and that i am gonna be okey. I listen to it everyday now, but rarely crying, mosly relaxing myself, it's my time for me, away from all the stress.
And there is a lot of stress, i went on my first job interview, started to write my CV, this weekend i am doing first aid course that is needed to get drivers license here, at the same time gathering information for future education.
I have a lot on my list of "to do" things, not mentioning the house, garden and stuff my MLCer can't make himself do.
Yesterday i fell asleep with a smile, today i cried on my way back home, cause i can't trust him, no matter what he says and it's a lonely place to be. But there is a progress in the way of letting go - i didn't check his phone since i arrived, though i saw her writing. What either than pain can it bring? Nothing.
Today i decided to stop checking his bank account too. If he lies, and he will lie, i don't want to know. It changes nothing for me, for my future, cause if he makes any idiotic decisions (divorce and such) i will know and before that happens i need my cool for me.
The only way i see for me to move forward, away from my pain is to let him be how he is, to let him go.

[Anoi]

Mlcer didn't come home last night, stayed at friends place, drank too much as he said. I didn't check.
Actually one thing is killing me, well two. First that the man i love feels cold as ice and second that i sleep alone. I sleep alone more than a month now and i truly, deeply don't like it.
I am probably the lucky one, cause he still hugs me and kisses me on the cheek or front, but actually i start to miss grown up adult relationship with  a man. Not an empty shell, but a loving man. I missed it before, but it's getting worse.
Today i am not a standing material for sure:)
Feeling like a ball of problems, don't know what to talk about with other people, everywhere is just another problem.

[Anoi]

Out of sudden insight, once again out of the blue, but i guess it's a response to my behavior and my behavior is a response to my work on myself.
So in this month that he was alone, finally getting me out of the picture as his main issue ( my explanation, not his) he understood that not only i am a stranger and everyone is a stranger, but he is a stranger to himself. Who am i? Is the question in his head. He doesn't know.
I told him it's okey to not know.
We talked about him being physically distant (on his initiative) it also comes out of not knowing. He is distant from everything and everyone cause he doesn't know who he is anymore.
She called and he told me that she called and i didn't react. I don't react judgmental or negative to anything, cause it brings me peace and pride of myself. I behave like a person, who i would respect.
And as a side product it gets positive feedback from him, feeling more comfortable to open up, to discuss,  to share. Why wouldn't you share with a person who shows only grace and appreciation?
He said he is sorry, he knows it is hard fom me. I told him i accepted his jorney, i accepted his not knowing. It's true, yes i cycle from tears to numbness, from depression to positive smiling times, but it's my jorney and my desire to not share it with him. Cause he is not a person who can truly appreciate or listen or understand my feelings. So why would i share them with him? Still i accepted his MLC. And that i am alone. And that he is with his MLC.
He said that in a way ( lol) he is glad that i came back. Well good for him. It's hard for me to be back, or not to be back, it's so freaking hard, he would fall and die and i am stepping in yet another day and i am OKEY. So that is something i am very proud of, very.
Ofc the comfort of home is nice, but... actually, my psychiatrist asked me-  did i miss home? And i said yes, but i wasn't truthful i think... it was a quick answer. I miss My home. Home where i live with my husband. Home that i want to be cozy and nice for me and for him, home where i have projects and ideas. Home where i feel emotionally safe.
I didn't miss this home, the home that is right now.
Don't get me wrong, it's still nice, but it's not truly Home.
That MLCer is still very much my husband though, which is funny, cause he doesn't recognize himself, but i do recognize him very well. All that self hatred and narcissism at the same time, all that self sacrifice and being an incredibly mean person to anyone close to him. All that procrastination and avoidance of conflicts that only leads to so much more trouble for himself.
Even before MLC the first word i would use to describe my husband was "difficult", second would be "heavy".
And all of that is running around in his head, playing games with him and i think he would be terrified if he would actually meet himself. It's exactly what is happening, he has a date with himself, it's getting there, it will lead him to see a person, that i see and live with. The person i was working on and did a lot  to free from his self build prison.
Btw he said he is Incredibly grateful for it. Well you are welcome,  you paid me back in such pain, that now i realise why for 37 years no one would touch it, but i am the one who dared. If i would know that MLC exists back then, i would run, cause he is and was an ideal MLC material. I didn't know, it's one of my very few regrets in life.
Lalalander actually thinks we are working on our relationships. I told him, stop dealing with our relationship, just stop! Like i told him before - our marriage is fine, just leave it be for now.
How in the world he works on relationships if he doesn't know who he is? Who is working on them then? Crazy person, thats who is. Well i didn't tell this part:)
So i have to remind him to focus on himself. All the time.
I push him in his tunnel with all the strength i have, so that he moves his 6. Cause he is low energy wallower and it's gonna take forever anyway. And as he cycles, he will not be able to face himself truly and will soon enough return to outside being a problem. But at least he will do those few steps in the meantime.
I am not standing or moving on. I just move in my own direction observing and participating in something i would never wish to anyone. If i will succeed i will come out of it a much better person than i am today. That is what matters, that is my goal. Him is not my goal, him is just a circumstance.

It's good to have here... to just write down things that are in my head. It feels like sharing.