[UrsaMajor]

Yeah, he was crying and saying how he wanted to be invisible and he has his friends over each weekend...
Full of BS.
I want to go home:(

Another instance of MLC

[Anoi]

Well i am not a present either, got my head a little bit cleared out, will stay here for a month and then return to the country i lived in and will try to establish my individual life there, cause whats the point sitring on my ass waiting for his decisions. It's gonna be hard, but i need to prove myself i can be independent person and i can be so much more than i was with him.
Informed him, that i return, for technical reasons. He didn't mind, i guesse, idk by his tone. Whatever, he can live his live, i have mine to live.

[Anoi]

Yeah, he was crying and saying how he wanted to be invisible and he has his friends over each weekend...
Full of BS.
I want to go home:(

Another instance of MLC

I will just quote you every time, because you are right! New portion ( less than 2 weeks that i am out of home)
Remembered some things he forgot about himself
Discovered some new ones
Not the same as he was before
Still have things to figure out.
I just asked how was he... and out of the blue he decided to share this.
Less than 2 weeks ffs, ofc u are not the same you were before me, u found out that towel and bathroom mat are two different things, not to mention all the rest Huge difference i brought in your life... Complementing somebody daily can bring their self-esteem to the new heights..
Lol, anyway i am in deep deep pit, that is MLC in marriage.
But i have a plan now, it's good. As someone said earlier i will rebound from those "insights" faster and faster. You were right. My head is occupied with different kind of problem now, which is me:)
I understood i am not ready to change the country again. Learn another language, new rules and all of that. So i need to find a way to stay where i lived for the last 6-7 years. And finally find some friends, job and all of it.
I will be very busy. With myself. Just trying to tell my head - enough of him, we have a big job to do on me!

[Anoi]

Every morning i waje up with anxiety, it's not fun at all and i realize this is my reality for many months now and ahead.
For now i am surrounded by friends and their support, so i let myself go, let myself fall appart, but it can't be forever and i need to find a way to put myself together when i am back, cause i have things to do. Life doesn't stop for me to fall appart or have my time or whatever.
I am in contact with my husband only by my own initiative, he answers, polite as he is, we will talk next week, cause i asked for it, just talk on the phone, but i don't want to talk any serious stuff, just a simple talk about nothing, cause i miss his voice.
I don't feel either like going dark, cause why should i? He didn't ask for it and i don't feel that way, we are still husband and wife in fact, even if i and him have our own crisises. We are not strangers to each other and i don't want to act like we are.
I will prepare for my jorney in upcoming week, i really want to go back to the more familiar environment, cause this shift of Everything is not the stress i need right now.
I still cry, not every day usually, but it's the way to relief some pain and stress. I manage to keep myself busy to not think about him every minute or hour, thats a positive thing.
As i read a lot about MLC and other ppl stories i realize and somehow got used to the thought that it's not gonna be fast, or that he will want to reconcile or work on our relationship, i don't know the outcome, no one does, but for now i don't believe this marriage is gonna survive. It's hard to even write, still the statistics is pretty obvious...
I don't feel like being bitter, or vindictive, it's not me
I don't feel like divorcing or standing for years, it's not me either
I would like to keep good relationship with him, after all he is the only friend i have there and we do have some common interests
I don't like that for now he sets all the rules, we separate because he wants to, i leave because he wants me to, he thinks he is in charge of letting me go or letting me stay or what i do with my life, which is not true at all. I am my own person but he doesn't have this impression, cause he is very used to me following his lead.
I don't regret separation though, no metter how hard it is, it gives me a necessary perspective of myself and my own life. After all i adapt better and faster in extreme circumstances and it's the push i needed for many years.
I don't want to loose kind and nice person i am, to the pain and difficulties, i want to see me smiling, i want to see me proud of me, i want to see me strong as i am and let myself be weak as i am.
I hope to feel blessed again, like i'v been feeling for so many years of my life. I hope good things are there for me and i am walking towards them.

[Anoi]

Cried again, send him my photo he didn't answer. Yeah i know it's not the right thing to do.
Yeah i know i am hurting myself.
It seems i am to blame for everything for doing, for not doing, for trying, for crying, for inflicting all this pain to myself...
How to not feel guilty qhen everything you feel and want to do is completely wrong according to someone?
Yeah i know - let go. Let go of my life, that i loved so much, of my home, of my family...
No wonder i cry. Isn't it too much to ask of a person who didn't do anything to have such a disaster happening in no time? Just sit tight, it's gonna pass, get a life, smile make friends... Are u kidding me? I barely get myself out of the bed in the morning, i live god knows where and i lost the only person i could seek protection and support from in my entire life.
It's like here is a challenge for you, on top of awfulness that happened To you.
Just a moment of self pitty. Just another evening crying. Just another evening telling myself i am gonna make it. Just another part of hope lost.
He is not partying and having fun over there, he doesn't do anything in fact except going to work and sitting at home. Yeah had friends over for the first two weekends, but not anymore.
I don't know why he has to suffer, why i have to suffer. It doesn't make any sence. So yeah. I am crying through this.

[xyzcf]

You are in an impossible situation that you never imagined could have happened...there is no need to blame yourself for anything you do or don't do. You are not going to make the situation with your husband worse. The "advice" that is given here works for some people, but it is not one size fits all.

There is no "playbook" for dealing with our emotions/depression/sadness/ hopelessness/despair. Sometimes, we yearn so much for any connection to them that we reach out, and their rejection smacks us in the face...and we wonder...why did I do that? Then we tell ourselves " I shouldn't have done that, what made me do that...all the self talk that causes more anxiety and stress.

Imagine you are in a fierce storm in a boat and you are holding on with all your strength to the mast, the waves are crashing against you, pushing you from side to side and you start to think "I am not going to make it" so you try and hold on tighter and tighter until your strength gives out and you let go because there just isn't any more in you to hold on with.

And you don't drown or get washed overboard. The storm subsides, the waves ease and the sky lightens and life resumes towards your destination. Perhaps you are off course and end up in another destination, who knows which place will be "better" for you.

I cried every single day for hours. I did not think that anyone could have so many tears. Crying is the body's response to grief and many chemicals are released so it's not a bad thing.

It doesn't make any sence. So yeah. I am crying through this.

It doesn't make any sense and we were caught totally off guard. We just want to wake up from the nightmare and we cannot because the nightmare is real.

What to do in these very early acute stage. Therapy, medication, friends to talk to who listen ( my friends lived on the other side of the world, one friend told me I had called her and cried for 3 1/2 hours on the phone. She didn't hang up on me. It was in the middle of the night where I was living).

I have always been a very resilient take charge woman, his crisis crushed me.

But the human spirit is remarkably resilient and the pieces of who I am gradually started to come together again. Not because I followed any instructions or guides from others (although I read over 100 books on how to save your marriage) but because I started to understand that this was his crisis and learning more about the psychology of his crisis as well as the support of some amazing people let me gradually come up for air.

The people here, we know...we have gone through this pain and yes, we came out the other side...and you will too. You will too. One day, the amount of tears will decrease, one day, you will not even cry and you'll think...wow, imagine that.

Today is not that day, probably not tomorrow either.

Just sit tight, it's gonna pass, get a life, smile make friends... Are u kidding me?

I know, it sounds and feels like platitudes. These are the things that slowly helped me recover, to heal...because my heart, as broken as it was, continues to want joy for me. It takes so much time to get to a place of ease....but gradually you will get to that place. Almost every story here, every LBSer does heal...but not as quickly as we would like.

((((HUGS)))))

[Reinventing]

The people here, we know...we have gone through this pain and yes, we came out the other side...and you will too. You will too. One day, the amount of tears will decrease, one day, you will not even cry and you'll think...wow, imagine that.

Yes, you will too. I also cried for hours each day.

You will make it through this, as painful as it is, to the other side.

[Trustandlove]

I cried day in, day out, for literally years.  And I did get through it.  I was probably the biggest mess on this forum, and even I came through. 

I completely understand that it sounds like platitudes, but you will make it.

[Treasur]

I hope it is some small comfort and encouragement that plenty of us have been just where you are and felt a bit crazy or less than when we couldn’t seem to easily get out of that place.

I am conscious that you said in your first post that you have an anxiety disorder.

Imho getting practical and therapeutic support with that right now is the pressing priority.
Above almost anything else.

To create some sense of stable ground under your feet and feel more confident that you can regulate your own emotional swirl.
To be able to respond not react.
To be able to hear the difference between the chatter of your amygdala and the thoughts of your frontal cortex.
Life gets easier to navigate, even in tough times, when one can do that more easily.

And of course, as I know you know, that is not something your h can fix for you, even in easier times than this.

Do you have an IC?
Or do you know where you can find the right kind of short term support?
Please try to do that.
I can hear the swirl and I’m concerned for you.

[Anoi]

It doesn't make any sense and we were caught totally off guard. We just want to wake up from the nightmare and we cannot because the nightmare is real.

What to do in these very early acute stage. Therapy, medication, friends to talk to who listen ( my friends lived on the other side of the world, one friend told me I had called her and cried for 3 1/2 hours on the phone. She didn't hang up on me. It was in the middle of the night where I was living).

I have always been a very resilient take charge woman, his crisis crushed me.

Thanks you for saying it, i`v been strong all my life and this constant misery makes me feel like i am failing myself, like i am not able to find the good way to make it better. Yes i feel crushed sometimes, like a warrior who finally fell after one too many bullet in the back.
I am blessed with you people, with this community, because the amount of support i get is amazing.
I guess that it is pretty obvious that i am still strong, still a surviver and in a way there are two parallèle process going on in me. One is last evening tears and despear, that is with me every day. Another is my inner strong self moving forward with my life step by step. Making the descisions that are right for me in current situation and doing things to achieve my goals that has nothing to do with my husband. 

The people here, we know...we have gone through this pain and yes, we came out the other side...and you will too. You will too. One day, the amount of tears will decrease, one day, you will not even cry and you'll think...wow, imagine that.

Today is not that day, probably not tomorrow either.

I have days when i dont cry, i know there will be more days when i will. I recognize the need of tears and grief and anger and rebellion against them. So i just go through. Still, you all, this forum, is a priceless gift from God to me, cause sharing with each other here i think helps even more than therapy and closest friends, Cause we get it. Cause you get it. So your kindness and support is my way forward to tomorrow where i will not want to cry, and i can only hope that for those who read it helps them too, to realise, that we are normal to feel pain and grief and that we get better, all together in our own phase.

Just sit tight, it's gonna pass, get a life, smile make friends... Are u kidding me?

I know, it sounds and feels like platitudes. These are the things that slowly helped me recover, to heal...because my heart, as broken as it was, continues to want joy for me. It takes so much time to get to a place of ease....but gradually you will get to that place. Almost every story here, every LBSer does heal...but not as quickly as we would like.

((((HUGS)))))
[/quote]

Yeah thats a big thing that also makes me cry, my heart wanting joy andf happiness for me, i feel i am betraying it instead, when i dont make any effort or not enough affort to be happy, to feel joy. Still i try every day, slowly it gets better, with each cmile, with each look in the sky without the heavy thoughts...

Yes, you will too. I also cried for hours each day.

You will make it through this, as painful as it is, to the other side.

Thank you for sharing this with me, It helps, it helps so much i cant express with words.

I cried day in, day out, for literally years.  And I did get through it.  I was probably the biggest mess on this forum, and even I came through. 

I completely understand that it sounds like platitudes, but you will make it.

That sounds like you`v been through hell and that you made it to another side and is able to support somebody going through hell right now. It sounds Awesome. It sounds not even like a hope, but like a promise, a promise i believe in.

I hope it is some small comfort and encouragement that plenty of us have been just where you are and felt a bit crazy or less than when we couldn’t seem to easily get out of that place.

I am conscious that you said in your first post that you have an anxiety disorder.


And of course, as I know you know, that is not something your h can fix for you, even in easier times than this.

Do you have an IC?
Or do you know where you can find the right kind of short term support?
Please try to do that.
I can hear the swirl and I’m concerned for you.

It helps me alot to have you guys talking to me, still in the matter of my actuall mental health things are going descent, I work with my psychiatre every week now, she keeps in check my intake of drugs that can cause dependance, i didn`t crush in the full blown depression, i am far away from going to hospital, situation with anxiety disorder is my priority above all and as an experienced user of this wonderfull brain bug, i think i am getting to a better place with that. actually i am pretty surprised myself, that it goes smoother than i though)) I am gonna be fine that way, that at least i am sure of. 
It`s pretty amazing that we can go through this together i and my disorder and not crush and burn, last time it was different and i grew so much more in this direction i am proud of myself)
Still thank you for your concern and support. I see you understand.