[Treasur]

I’m a little confused….and therefore not sure if/how to respond or support you.

He stayed out all night with a ‘friend’? And ‘she’ called? Is there an OW he is spending time with? Bc that might affect our advice and your choices.

You left intending to stay in another country, talked about reducing contact but seemingly didn’t, changed your mind after a few weeks so then came back intending to stay for a day and go someplace else, he picked you up at the airport and drive you home so now you are staying there? You say you are working on yourself and you also say you are trying to push him through the ‘tunnel’ bc he will take too long otherwise?

I don’t know how any of these choices might affect you financially or legally if things get worse, or if you can financially support yourself in this country or another if needed, or what you are trying to ‘work on’ about yourself or your GAL plans to focus on other aspects of your life?

What I see is that you currently seem to be behaving quite reactively, emotionally speaking, understandably perhaps, and also quite passively in some ways. I don’t know if this is shaped by your anxiety disorder, the current shock of the situation or if it is your normal way of doing things. I could have misunderstood of course. But I am not sure I understand your intention right now, what you are trying to achieve, and therefore what kind of input might be useful. Or not lol.

My instinct is that you may need to find a way, perhaps with support from an IC, to breathe, think and slow down your own reactions to events, to create a bit of mental stable ground under your feet, whatever that means for you.

Can you help us understand what you are trying to achieve right now? If you have a plan or intention? And how we might support you? There is no ‘right’ answer to this, just whatever you feel is currently the best answer for you right now. But I’m not sure I understand what it is or what you want.

[Anoi]

He stayed out all night with a ‘friend’? And ‘she’ called? Is there an OW he is spending time with? Bc that might affect our advice and your choices.

He has an EA with his boss/colleague. She called yesterday evening. He told me about that. It's not a PA for now. They don't spend time outside of work or had just one dinner outside of work.
The friend he stayed with a night is a very old friend of his.
It's two different people.

You left intending to stay in another country, talked about reducing contact but seemingly didn’t, changed your mind after a few weeks so then came back intending to stay for a day and go someplace else, he picked you up at the airport and drive you home so now you are staying there?

I did reduce the contact during my time in another country. We spoke 2 times on a phone in a month and i wrote every 2-3 days. It's much less contact than we had in years.
I changed my mind about other country cause in this month i realised i am not ready to change the country. Immigration is not a fun jorney and actually pretty hard. To put that on top of my heartbreak and anxiety is a way to disaster.
So i decided to at least try to settle independently in the country i am currently in. It's not an easy jorney, but very possible. The level of life, job market, etc. is much higher here.
I didn't expect or asked him to return back home, still for financial and emotional reasons it was his decision that at this time it would be better.
For me, as i am busy with finding job, getting my drivers license, etc. it's not a bad decision either.

You say you are working on yourself and you also say you are trying to push him through the ‘tunnel’ bc he will take too long otherwise?

Yes i am working on several things currently, as i described before. Plus i am working on my acceptance of the situation the way it is in my relationship with him.
As i think right now, in this moment, there is no quick  or right way out of his MLC and i prefer to stay supportive and his friend, rather than push myself and him to the rush and "easy" decisions.
When he opens up about how he feels and what he goes through i try to help him the way i see fit. I tell him to search inside, not outside. To work inside, not outside. Cause his MLC is a manifest of his problems with himself, the way i see it.
So my way of "pushing" him through the tunnel is to stay supportive and remind him, that this jorney is His jorney and that it's okey, he is not going crazy, but ruining His life in the process will not fix it.
It doesn't mean that he will not ruin it, or that it will help or that our marriage will survive this.
It will take too long anyway no matter what i do, so i do what i see fit.

I don’t know how any of these choices might affect you financially or legally if things get worse, or if you can financially support yourself in this country or another if needed,

Well i have some funds to keep me afloat. Legally in this country neither i can kick my husband out of the house nor can he. Legally i will get much less, than what we discussed. Legally i am not protected neither as housewife or just his wife.
Legally i can not give him divorce for 2 years. But "legally" is not the place he or me is right now,
To make this part of the situation more stable i look for a job. Which is also not very easy in this country, cause even simple waitress has to have surtain education here. But i will find it. And then after 3 month of hard work, which needed to rent an appartement here, i will think if i need to leave.
If he will want me out of the house before that, it will be another situation and discussion. I don't know if you know many ppl with anxiety disorder but lets say we always have plan A,b,c and up to z.

and also quite passively in some ways

I would really like to know what did you mean by that?

Can you help us understand what you are trying to achieve right now?

Stable financial independence.
Stable emotional reactions on my husbands mlc jorney.
Stable emotional state in general.

And how we might support you?

I guess suggest an interesting ideas for GALing and finding friends;) Really not with the question of my plans when things go south, cause i thought already so much about it and i know my answers and i don't want to come here, where it is my safe place and see them again. It brings nothing but anxiety.
And what helped me alot is actually live day by day, make steps towards my personal goals when i can and vent about my husbands wonderful jorney in here, not with him, not with anyone else, with you guys.
For example another line from him, i think many will recognize it.
I sent him a picture last month. Just a nuce picture of me smiling on sunny day. And he said he looked at it and there was a question in his head " who the F is it?"
And he has that question pretty much for everything around him including himself.
I am trying to imagine this state of mind and in a way i can't and in a way i live with a stranger too, but he did actually change the behavior, not personality.
Btw he recognizes that something started happening  at the start of the last year, so very soon after his mother passed. But it's what he recognizes as start of mlc, but did it start even before that? I wonder...

[Treasur]

Thank you for explaining some of the specifics of your situation, that’s helpful bc understanding where you are and what you want is important. This is not a one size fits all forum imho even if there are similarities in our spouses’ behaviours.

I don't know if you know many ppl with anxiety disorder but lets say we always have plan A,b,c and up to z.

I did not know that. Or at least in my experience of ptsd, the a b c were a list of awful things that could happen rather than plans, and it was easy to become overwhelmed by them to the point of freezing. But obviously my experience is different from how it works for you, my apologies.

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and also quite passively in some ways

I would really like to know what did you mean by that?

Really for no other reason than you flew back with one plan and then seemed to change that plan completely bc he assumed you would or said you should. Please understand, I am not saying that changing the plan was a bad idea….from what you say, I can see a lot of practical benefits to it….just an observation about what changed the plan. Or more accurately where the energy to change the plan came from perhaps. It may not matter, but many LBS find that building plans in this way or going along with their spouses often unspoken plans can keep us hooked onto their rollercoaster. And many of us also find ourselves reflecting on some of the old patterns in our pre BD relationship that we may want to change….there are a lot of LBS here who found that dealing with avoidant, needy or emotionally limited spouses over years had turned us into accidentally becoming fixers or over-functioners or appeasers. And often setting new boundaries involves doing less of those things. I don’t know if that is true for you, but it is pretty common here.

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Can you help us understand what you are trying to achieve right now?

Stable financial independence.
Stable emotional reactions on my husbands mlc jorney.
Stable emotional state in general.

That’s helpful.
What does a ‘stable emotional state’ look like to you?
Can you think of some times when you feel you have achieved that? When you have not?
What makes it harder to do? What makes it easier?
I think you mentioned that you have an IC? This can be the kind of thing that an IC can be very helpful with. Put simply, I would encourage you to try creating a bigger gap between emotion and response…..to find ways to slow your head down before you react. To breathe, to give yourself time, to go slow.

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And how we might support you?

I guess suggest an interesting ideas for GALing and finding friends;)

Well, I’m not sure what to say here bc there are literally hundreds of different things different LBS have done lol. It depends on what kinds of things interest you, what’s available where you live and tbh what you think has got in the way of that before now.
What do you like doing? What interests you?

Bc the essence of GAL is that it focuses more of your time and mental energy on things that are about you, goals you want to achieve for you, not bc you are doing it to fix your marriage or please your spouse.

At a simple level, I’d suggest keeping your goals small…..particularly if you feel that you have less GAL and friends in your life bc you have spent most of your time with your h. What is one small thing you could do to change that, a change in the daily routine perhaps? Something simple like a long morning walk, or going to a gym or going to a cinema on your own. Or joining some local volunteer group involved in something that interests you, or signing up to a study class in something that interests you.

It sounds as if you might naturally be more introverted and if so, GAL does not have to mean big parties lol…..it can also be doing things by yourself or in small groups like a class or hiking group or joining a choir or helping litter picks or local tree planting say. Or setting up a small business or joining an online hobby community. Even just using local social media to find one person who might be interested in doing something that you like to do….someone to do a morning walk with or someone who likes the theatre you do. Where I live you often see these kind of small local groups advertise on sites like Next Door or Facebook…..what kinds of things are going on where you live? Above all, you are not alone….there are plenty of nice humans out there who might also be looking for a bit more social contact for a variety of reasons, and plenty of local groups who are always delighted to have an extra pair of hands . 

Perhaps think of it as growing the size of your world outside your marriage….things you do more of bc they are about who you are independently rather than being your h’s wife. Things that grow you regardless of what is happening in your marriage, things that remind you that you existed before getting married and that you matter regardless of what is going on with your h. Focus on small actions, regular consistent actions, rather than big goals seems to work better when life around is difficult. And it’s ok to try different things, or try some and then try others, bc it’s about the direction of travel not the goal itself if that makes sense?

But again, it depends on what interests you.

[Anoi]

But obviously my experience is different from how it works for you, my apologies

.

Yeah i overthink a ton and to each awful situation i try to find solution. It's not fun, sometimes it makes me ready to answer faster and find the way faster, sometimes it doesn't. Like i thought i had a plan for many years to go live in another country if things go south. And then i did and it made me feel so abroad and made me feel such a rejection of foreign culture, that i just had to return. It's a normal thing for immigration process, but it's not easier than MLC and i just understood that i am not ready. Okey plan B then and so on, until something works.
I always react pretty fast to the extreme situation, so your advice about slowing down is right and working in some areas of my life.
What you described as passive is actually slowing down and not reacting emotionally. So he said "i think you should stay home" and i didn't argue about that. It doesn't change my plans, so why bother?
Yeah it's kinda bad for detachment, but on the other hand everyday seeing an empty shell kinda encourages you to take it as it is and just get on with your life.
He is not monstering, i don't provoke arguments, everyone is trying to be nice. So it's not like i live in a complete nightmare. Yeah it's not wonderful, but that is how it is for now. I don't know anything about years ahead right now, i am what? 3,5 months post BD:) I can plan on this point maybe for a week:)

What does a ‘stable emotional state’ look like to you?
Can you think of some times when you feel you have achieved that? When you have not?

When i am of support drugs and only on antidepressants. I achieved it before and was fine for years until BD , so now i am slowly working through it day by day, trying to deal with my anxiety once again in some old ways and some new ways.

It sounds as if you might naturally be more introverted and if so, GAL does not have to mean big parties lol

Haha yes, thank you for some examples and thoughts on the matter, actually i even installed an application to find friends, mayby will have a "date" next week:) I had a lot of life before BD, but yeah it involved my husband and i felt lonely cause he didn’t satisfy my needs for going out. So it's a good change to go meet some ppl.
Unfortunately for now my ankle standing on the way of sports activities, but i will get there:)

What my husband said he wanted to do - be more open to communication with other people, more social, i am actually doing while he sits near his computer and jerks off on the pictures of OW. Isn't it funny?

[Anoi]

Tonight i had a dream about other man, a stranger. It was a nice sexy one and i enjoyed not only the sexy part, but that he looked at me with that "in love" in his eyes. God i miss that...
Probably i look like that at my H but he doesn't care.
 It's a shame that i am not ready emotionally to date, to move on, it would be nice to be in love again and to be loved again. I guess he misses it too. Well he is in love, but i had one EA and it's not fun thing, not really, when it's simple and mutual it's such a natural high...
Today i did good, did some stuff that i planned, sent some CV, worked in the garden. I am happy with myself today. H was in his "absence" state. I see he started drinking much more than he used to. Nothing too much, just a glass of gin tonic, or 2. Still smokes weed. I changed my ways, but he acts like i never left... well that doesn't fly with me, i leave some house chores to him now, i am not doing everything around here, like i used to. He wants change - here is some change for him. And for me too and i like it.
When i will start working it will be harder and easier at the same time, cause i will not have enough time on my hands to be a perfect housewife, he will have to adjust and get his 6 to do some stuff.
I am super afraid of all the drivers license business, cause i stopped driving 10 years ago because of anxiety and i hope i will overcome it somehow to pass the practical exam. It was back in my home country and it was very aggressive road traffic in 6 millions city, here it is different and most people obey the rules, so i should be fine, i am a fan of rules:)

[Treasur]

 

I am not doing everything around here, like i used to. He wants change - here is some change for him. And for me too and i like it.

Oooh, you have a lovely sassy feisty bit in your character, I see. 
And I guess that bit of you is really helpful right now to get little pockets of joy back in your day to day life regardless of what your h is doing with his time. Well done, keep going, go you!

[Anoi]

I am not doing everything around here, like i used to. He wants change - here is some change for him. And for me too and i like it.

Oooh, you have a lovely sassy feisty bit in your character, I see. 
And I guess that bit of you is really helpful right now to get little pockets of joy back in your day to day life regardless of what your h is doing with his time. Well done, keep going, go you!

Haha, yes, just a pile of dishes getting bigger and bigger and i try to not loose my cool and not to wash them. God, he is sooo lazy it's just unbelievable.
Fun fact - today was his working day, OW should have been there. He stayed home, i saw some vodka involved, but not much, says he is having a bad day.
Well, apparently even she can't make his days better anymore. Welcome to the club b..ch.
I spent most of my day outside, traveled to do some stuff i needed, the weather was beautiful, first time walking without coat. It was really lovely i came home smiling:)

[UrsaMajor]

I am not doing everything around here, like i used to. He wants change - here is some change for him. And for me too and i like it.

Oooh, you have a lovely sassy feisty bit in your character, I see. 
And I guess that bit of you is really helpful right now to get little pockets of joy back in your day to day life regardless of what your h is doing with his time. Well done, keep going, go you!

Haha, yes, just a pile of dishes getting bigger and bigger and i try to not loose my cool and not to wash them. God, he is sooo lazy it's just unbelievable.
Fun fact - today was his working day, OW should have been there. He stayed home, i saw some vodka involved, but not much, says he is having a bad day.
Well, apparently even she can't make his days better anymore. Welcome to the club b..ch.
I spent most of my day outside, traveled to do some stuff i needed, the weather was beautiful, first time walking without coat. It was really lovely i came home smiling:)

[Anoi]

I am so happy i found this site and forum pretty early on. It helps and helped a lot, i would go insane, probably not understanding what is going on and what to do.
This week H took time off work, because he got tired. It's suspicious by itself cause he works with his EA, but whatever. He is in depresses bad mood, so if i didn't know it has nothing to do with me, it's not even about me, i would freak out and ask, ask, ask and fight to get him out of this.
We planned to go to the movies tonight, but now when he says we qill do something i give myself a 90% guarantee that we will not (experience!), so i get a nice surprise if we do.
Ofc instead after taking a nap he woke up completely depressed and on my question would he like to play/do stuff together he said "i just need silence". Again, i would never understood how to behave and why and what in such situation.
What did i do? I left the room where he was, returned back with a plate of cut fruits and left again for the whole evening. That's it. I didn't care, didn't get anxious, i had my own fun doing my stuff. And for that i need to thank this site and all of you people:)
In 4 hours he came out, rubbed me a bit, was friendly and smily, had a good conversation about some everyday stuff. Asked him what changed his mood today? He doesn't know, nobody wrote or anything like that, just switched. It happens often. Maybe she wrote, maybe not, it doesn't matter what really happened.
I described it just to share my experience with for now at home MLCer, for others. Don't panic, don't act out of fear, don't care too much, cause in an hour it might be completely different story.
It doesn't mean we can save our relationship like that, but ourselves most definitely.

[Reinventing]

but ourselves most definitely.

And thats all you can control anyway.