[Anoi]

Yes, this is familiar. This, I guess, is what very avoidant people could address to make their lives more fulfilling. In that they can express their needs, without fear, and hopefully get some of those needs met. This is not your fault. You did not make an avoidant man. You probably kept him on a even keel for a long time.

As to you psychiatrist telling you to 'move on' - is this the right person to support you at this time? Someone (not a psychiatrist) said that to me, very early on, and I felt, well, insulted. Yes, I am able to move. And I move at my own pace. Too soon for these words, there's no magic bullet. Yes to not ruminating and wallowing (if possible) but also yes to finding a calm centre focused on one's self for as long as is needed. You are doing so well Anoi - your strength is obvious in your posts.

Yeah, he always was afraid to say No, until he has to scream it and hurt ppl for no reason. I was the one saying No to ppl, was and is the excuse to say No and so on. Well for now his slowly boiling to go again on his patern and scream no at me. With the same success rate he can scream it to the wall.
I'v made some progress as i see it. I didn't detache, but i got fed up a bit with accepting his terms and conditions. When it comes to hugs and so on it's his private business, but my life is my private business and i am doing as i see fit.
Yeah, i am not even close to being ready to move on, i don't want to divorce him and i don't want people telling me i should, including him, by the way.
I think one day i will want it, but right now is not the time and place for me. I have enough on my plate without those talkes.
Well i think she is part of my process, i need to hear her and i need to hear myself too. The truth is in the middle, haha:)



Long weekend ahead, i have my own plans, weather is nice. I did move some projects of mine this week, so it's not lost. I found my very unstable calm spot and trying to stabilize it, cause i like where i am emotionally in the last couple of days, so at least i know it's very possible.
My ankle is acting out though, will get MRI results next week and hopefully understand how to get back on my two feet, i really wanna do some sport-ish stuff and holding myself back until i know i will not harm myself more.

[MadLuv]

If it were me I would get a therapist that whether your thought process on moving on or not in their opinion is off, that they allow you to come to that. My therapist I am sure thought I was insane for still caring and not putting myself first, but she in those times gave me ideas to understand myself and encouraged things to get through, but always allowed me to get to where I needed on my own. 

At one point when I felt I could handle her to maybe say things that months before I couldn’t, she said; I trust that you will figure it out. You always do. They are kind of like a detached friend that has no opinion one way or the other because they aren’t personally involved in your life before. They don't know the players . There is something safe about that. If you feel your getting direction that doesn’t align with where you are , change. Look for a better fit. It’s you time!!

[Anoi]

If it were me I would get a therapist that whether your thought process on moving on or not in their opinion is off, that they allow you to come to that. My therapist I am sure thought I was insane for still caring and not putting myself first, but she in those times gave me ideas to understand myself and encouraged things to get through, but always allowed me to get to where I needed on my own. 

At one point when I felt I could handle her to maybe say things that months before I couldn’t, she said; I trust that you will figure it out. You always do. They are kind of like a detached friend that has no opinion one way or the other because they aren’t personally involved in your life before. They don't know the players . There is something safe about that. If you feel your getting direction that doesn’t align with where you are , change. Look for a better fit. It’s you time!!

There is a difference between therapist and psychiatrist, but yeah, she has her own opinion and i have my own, i prefer to hear that opinion even if i hate it, because in all honesty i don't know who is right, but i know, i am the one making decisions and taking steps.
It's that time of the process, when no ine is really sure, neither him, nor me. Unfortunately i have to admit to myself that there are many flaws in our union and i am working on myself, but i don't think he will ever work on himself. I keep seeing all the bad in him getting worse and all the good dissappearing.
I question everything and sometimes i come to the conclusion that he is not the right person for me, even if i love him. It's very hard to accept and admit. And it's not all the time or a made decision.
I don't like this process, don't like going through this questions, but i have to question everything in order to move forward, cause i know that is one thing i 100% need to do.
So i let all the voices be heard and after all i am in the very beginning of this jorney, only God knows where it leads...

[MadLuv]

I agree. You have to  work through it.  Therapist, counselor, psychiatrist…they are there to assist where they can, but ultimately it is your journey. You are so early on and it is just such a hard thing. Honestly, seeing the bad really helps you to get through. Making excuses for them doesn't.  Sounds like you have a good start on getting through this mess.  The pain that first year and confusion is like nothing else. I didn’t realize feeling that much emotional pain was possible and I lpst a daughter. I wish you the best

[Anoi]

I agree. You have to  work through it.  Therapist, counselor, psychiatrist…they are there to assist where they can, but ultimately it is your journey. You are so early on and it is just such a hard thing. Honestly, seeing the bad really helps you to get through. Making excuses for them doesn't.  Sounds like you have a good start on getting through this mess.  The pain that first year and confusion is like nothing else. I didn’t realize feeling that much emotional pain was possible and I lpst a daughter. I wish you the best

Thank you for your kind words and i agree that it's a lot of pain and in the end we decide how to get through it, but it's such an impossible state of life, that it pushes us to get better ...
I noticed that there is a light for me, if before i was expecting only the worst, now i have some positive to look for in my life too, which is a good and big change. One day there will be more light than darkness for me and i am working towards it.

[Anoi]

Seeing MLCer up close makes me realize how little impact i have on what is going on with him.
As the anxious person i always think not only the worst, but also that it's my fault, or responsibility, or it's about me somehow.
But those mood swings, which are so obvious, that monstering towards other people, that despair that i see in him, they help me realize that i have nothing to do with it.
Yesterday we played together and it was all fine, out of a sudden he started to be very sad and just didn't want to continue.
He keeps monstering about his friend at the same time planning to see him and spend some time with him.
He switches back to how we talked/we before, when he feels guilty for his behavior and i see how much of that nice, actually comes from feeling guilty and that he just can't stop.
I noticed the same thing as many of you - if he gets closer it's a sign that he will make two steps back right after.
I try to keep my cool and be consistent while he has his ups and downs, it helps me feel better and i believe it in a way helps him too, cause he doesn't have to deal with my emotions every time he takes the "wrong" turn.
I don't want to have a cold war at home, i don't want him to be a stranger, though i understand that i am only 50% of this and he makes his own steps towards shutting me out and monsters in his head about me. But reacting to this nonsense doesn't bring me any good mood or pleasure, keeping calm and moving forward does, though.

[MadLuv]

I had a MLCer that when I got to close to the truth or talked in any way about my pain had  crying breakdowns about “you don’t care how I feel”. I was so baffled at the time about these. Now looking back it was complete manipulation to get me to back off. They are escaping from  feeling bad and any accountability makes them feel bad.  There is no doubt they feel horrible for what they do or did, because if they didn’t they wouldn’t have to lie and cheat.

You will find little trickle truths in things that are said and done. One that sticks out my XH said when I asked why did he have to disrespect me? He said, “I think I was disrespecting myself” That is so true, but not without disrespecting everyone in his life.

I think their actions of unaccountability in itself became proof that somewhere deep inside the person we knew is still there and  does know what they have done is wrong.  That their actions are and do go against their morals and character. What  we are seeing now is someone created so they didn’t have to accept who and what they have become.  That’s how I have come to see it.  You seem to have a pretty good handle on what’s happening and what not only triggers him, but you. It’s all so very hard. You being so early on are doing great.

[Atari25]

I think their actions of unaccountability in itself became proof that somewhere deep inside the person we knew is still there and  does know what they have done is wrong.  That their actions are and do go against their morals and character. What  we are seeing now is someone created so they didn’t have to accept who and what they have become.  That’s how I have come to see it.  You seem to have a pretty good handle on what’s happening and what not only triggers him, but you. It’s all so very hard. You being so early on are doing great.

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.

I think for someone going through an MLC - it's shame

[MadLuv]

My XH showed both guilt and shame. They are all unique, but with similarities. It is all baffling.

[Atari25]

My XH showed both guilt and shame. They are all unique, but with similarities. It is all baffling.

My wife will rarely take any blame for anything. It's all shame and she is running away from us. I am literally the opposite, I always feel like I did something wrong when things go bad. Probably a bad mix.