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Author Topic: My Story Yet another love, but not in love.

M
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My Story Yet another love, but not in love.
#110: April 02, 2024, 12:48:32 PM
We have all done wrong. That’s marriage. You recognize and work on those, but when someone takes no responsibility for their side of the street there is no where to go. Acknowledge what you can on your end, but know that you did not cause this. Grown mature adults talk and work through it.
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

A
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#111: April 03, 2024, 07:56:43 AM
We have all done wrong. That’s marriage. You recognize and work on those, but when someone takes no responsibility for their side of the street there is no where to go. Acknowledge what you can on your end, but know that you did not cause this. Grown mature adults talk and work through it.

I think that is my main issue with what is going on, that is what raised the red flags and made me wonder if it is MLC - inadequate behavior of a immature person. He doesn't give me any chance to talk and work through it, more to it, he doesn't do it himself, he just wants to escape and live a new life.
That is not what normal adults do in their relationship, they don't hug you and love you one day and then dump all the hell on you the next day.
A lot of us discovered OW/OM, that is their escape plan. Another things that amazes me in my particular situation is that he would rather keep his EA than his marriage. I would understand if it was actual relationship that bring a lot of joy, happiness, positive in his life, but it brings him only misery. Still it's more valuable, cause it answers his desire to escape the life he had.
I don't know if he feels shame, a lot of guilt, thats for sure. But i am not interacting with mature adult... just a trapped teenager with all sorts of issues, who found himself in a grown up situation.
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A
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#112: April 03, 2024, 08:52:25 AM
We have all done wrong. That’s marriage. You recognize and work on those, but when someone takes no responsibility for their side of the street there is no where to go. Acknowledge what you can on your end, but know that you did not cause this. Grown mature adults talk and work through it.

True but if there is a mental issue blocking the ability to discuss things, I think the MLC combines for a very toxic mix.

I am sure my wife loves me but she can't be with me with what is going on in her head. Her new single friends have convinced her to leave and she did it. @Anoi a new life really is the escape IMO.

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Yet another love, but not in love.
#113: April 03, 2024, 02:42:06 PM
We have all done wrong. That’s marriage. You recognize and work on those, but when someone takes no responsibility for their side of the street there is no where to go. Acknowledge what you can on your end, but know that you did not cause this. Grown mature adults talk and work through it.

True but if there is a mental issue blocking the ability to discuss things, I think the MLC combines for a very toxic mix.

I am sure my wife loves me but she can't be with me with what is going on in her head. Her new single friends have convinced her to leave and she did it. @Anoi a new life really is the escape IMO.


Yes, but you would think it takes a terrible marriage with sooo many problems to get people to the point of such a painful decision, but no, most of the people i read here are honest, loving spouses, supportive of their wifes and husbands even in such tough periods of life. Still we are the first in line to blame and our marriages are the first to be dissolved, just so that they can have their dreams come true. That is sad and stupid.
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#114: April 04, 2024, 09:17:23 AM
I am so sorry i can't detache, i don't know how. The pain is too real even when i am somewhere else doing totally different stuff. I am so sad as soon as i am alone...it's during those days when he works and he comes 1-1 and a half hour later that i feel it the most. I know he is with her.. there.. i imagine all sorts of badmouthing me and discussion about his future awesome life, how he stays there till the last second she is at work, just to spend that second with her, how after he is sad that it is time to come home to me... how every time he sees her it's so obvious to him that he has to destroy our marriage.
It's very sad and brings a lot of pain all that imagination...
It just makes me so desperate... i just want to lay down and cry, cause there is no point of fighting for this marriage... he doesn't love me anymore and there is nothing but sadness and deep loneliness  left for me:(
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#115: April 04, 2024, 10:10:00 AM
I’m so sorry for your pain. My only advise would be to embrace it as it is the only way through it. Time is the other. There just isn’t a quick fix from  the pain. The first year is beyond devastating and painful, the second year you start to have some relief and the third year you become adjusted to the reality. That doesn’t mean you like it ( although some do) but you accept where you are and  start to live your life the beat you can.

It’s just such a painful journey. I had to have many friends to be able to pick up the phone and just clear my head with. I am forever grateful for that.  I have so much empathy for everyone that has to feel this pain. 
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

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Yet another love, but not in love.
#116: April 05, 2024, 12:35:11 AM
I am so sorry i can't detache, i don't know how. The pain is too real even when i am somewhere else doing totally different stuff. I am so sad as soon as i am alone...it's during those days when he works and he comes 1-1 and a half hour later that i feel it the most. I know he is with her.. there.. i imagine all sorts of badmouthing me and discussion about his future awesome life, how he stays there till the last second she is at work, just to spend that second with her, how after he is sad that it is time to come home to me... how every time he sees her it's so obvious to him that he has to destroy our marriage.
It's very sad and brings a lot of pain all that imagination...
It just makes me so desperate... i just want to lay down and cry, cause there is no point of fighting for this marriage... he doesn't love me anymore and there is nothing but sadness and deep loneliness  left for me:(

\What you are describing here is NOT "detachment" as is usually defined here. What you are trying to achieve here is apathy and that is a totally different thing.
The thought processes going on - "I know he is with her," "they are saying all kinds of nasty things about me," "his life without me is awesome," are all what we call "Monkey-braining" where your mind is capable of imagining all kinds of horrible scenarios (the vast majority of which are MUCH worse than reality) and is like a run-away train. There are various ideas about how to get that under control, ranging from redirecting your thoughts to something else that is pleasant to wearing a thick rubber band on your wrist and giving it a good snap whenever your mind starts to go down the rabbit hole of Monkey-braining.

Detachment is regaining control of your own emotional well-being regardless of whatever emotional statte your Mid-Lifer is in.  This takes time.

As far as apathy goes, "the opposite of love is not hatred . Hatred means that you still have feelings for the person. The opposite of love is apathy where you simply no longer care about the person one way or another.... "

Food for thought....
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Yet another love, but not in love.
#117: April 05, 2024, 03:15:40 AM
Well yesterday i got what was coming a long way.
He wants a divorce.
He never ever will be with me again  no matter what i do.
I am mean awful person, our marriage was a mistake from the start.
He is very sorry for hurting me.
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#118: April 05, 2024, 05:45:07 AM
I am very sorry.
Is he intending to file? Or is he expecting you to do so?
I would encourage you strongly to take legal advice asap bc understanding the legal and financial implications for you where you live can make a big difference for you on the other side of this.
That won’t remove your hurt and shock but it is important to give you the best options for how you move forward from here.
Please don’t let any of his words touch you deeply right now. People say things in this kind of situation that are unkind and unfair; it doesn’t mean their opinion about you is the truth. I’m sure you are not perfect - who is? - but this is a situation he has created and chosen, not you, and it is not your failing but his. That can be hard to remember when you are hurting and if they are blaming you, but it’s important to try.
But I am very sorry.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Yet another love, but not in love.
#119: April 05, 2024, 06:10:30 AM
So sorry Anoi - although we all know, one way or another, that the marriage we knew died at BD, the word 'divorce' is still a shock. Such a hard severing. I get it. I wish there was a magic formula for not getting emotionally triggered by someone else's crisis.
I am mean awful person, our marriage was a mistake from the start.
If he tells himself this then he is not the mean and awful person doing all this.
He is very sorry for hurting me.
Thus, if you were such a 'mean and awful person' he would not be sorry for hurting your, right?  Here we see the confusing waffle of the crisis person.

Remember your earlier comment - he is the drowning man. Keep swimming toward your healing.





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