[UrsaMajor]

<...snip...>
Me... i made a huge mistake of registering myself in tinder. I don't even know is it healing or is it damaging?

1) You are still married and, even if he has an OW, 2 wrongs don't make a right. There could also be legal repercussions and "well, he did it first"  is usually not a valid legal excuse.
2) You need to ask yourself what you are looking for on Tinder - a quick hookup to put a bandaid over the sucking chest wound you have been dealt? Revenge sex? External affirmation that you are still desirable/good enough/whatever?
3) You need to ask yourself if you are really emotionally in the position to start a new R or to get involved with someone.
4) What is your plan if one of your dates actually does arouse or show more than a casual interest?

I'll be the first to admit that external validation can be VERY seductive (been there, done that, got the scars, and NO T-Shirt) but, when we are hurting and  looking for something to ease the pain, we tend to see what we are looking for wherever we look, regardless of whether it is there or not. We see what we WANT to see instead of the "cold light of day" reality and what is really there.

[Happylight]

I think Ursa Major is offering some very good points for reflection.  You will not be able to have or start a healthy relationship if you aren't healthy first.  So, what is your goal in the dates.  I understand wanting to be noticed and wanting that validation, but as tempting as it is, that is not going to fix anything in the long run. 

[Anoi]

I think Ursa Major is offering some very good points for reflection.  You will not be able to have or start a healthy relationship if you aren't healthy first.  So, what is your goal in the dates.  I understand wanting to be noticed and wanting that validation, but as tempting as it is, that is not going to fix anything in the long run.

Well, yes and no. I'v never been healthy to start with, so no danfer there, been there, done it, ended up here and living with a poor man who is to kind to kick my ass out.
My H told me he doesn't love me, didn't have any desire for me as a woman for a long time, that he will not be with me again under any circumstances. Not only it hurts, but also it's a position you know and should be taken into consideration.
I am not jumping in any one's bed for sure, it's not who i am. I just scan the "market" to see whats available and at the same time there is no harm in drinking coffee and meeting new people.
If, and it's a huge if, someone will interest me and i will be interesting to him i will let it go forward and see where it leads.
I told my H today that i love him and i want to be with him. And it's true. It's my preference.
It's also true that he is not the only man in the world and i am not bound to be alone for years, just because he decided to quit our relationship. He didn't ask for my permission or for that metter didn't discuss with me his decisions for so long and it led us where we are. And i don't feel obligated to stay completely put near the person who doesn't love me at all according to him.
It's not vengeance, in my opinion it's just common sense to be open to something new, when something old doesn't go your way.
I changed a lot in my life already, i am not happy with those changes, but they are necessary. Still i am the same girl, who wants to make pancakes for breakfast for the man i love and the man who loves me. And i am not sitring on my ass waiting for healing, that will never happen. I just give it a try.
But again i got 5 dates and i deleted my profile for now, will see if anything cool will come out of it, i already found one guy in the neighborhood that i really liked to spend the time with in friendly way and he didn't seem to be looking for more:) so for now it's just coffee and blablabla, nothing more, nothing less.

[Anoi]

So days go by, hard days, tiring days, hopeless days, life is different every day. I am still struggling with my anxiety, i am still completely lost in what to do with my life.
H is a depressive mess, he hates our "relationship talks", cause it's getting worse every time, he is so sure about his decisions, but at the same time he sleeps very bed, because he has anxious dreams, it doesn't seem like he is very happy with his life or the state of EA, it just continues to drag him through the misery of uncertainty and our ruined marriage.
He has cycling moods, but they seem to be more and more in the depressive range. To understand that it's only the start of his journey is actually pretty awful.
Yes, sure, if his EA will turn into PA it will make him happy, but... well, i guess will live and see.
I don't like being around him much in this state, he is like a dark cloud hanging over, reminding me silently that i should free him from my presence. And i am just a little child desperately looking for live in his cold eyes, not understanding still how did it happened that from the wormest, most protective creature in the world he turned into somebody who looks at me like that. I miss him...old him, so much. For a second sometimes i forget that old him is no more and i hug him... or tell a joke, or just smile looking in his eyes and i see no response.
So i try to keep myself busy and away from him. But it hurts... it just hurts. Every day a little bit less, cause every day i am getting more and more used to this version and forget more and more how it was... how it could have been.
There is nothing positive in this jorney, it's a pure misery that i need to survive and i hope that everyone else in the world will not have to experience  this awfulness. I wouldn't wish it to the worst enemy, which i don't have.

[Anoi]

I don't know if it's my anxiety or not, but i start to really worry about my H, after last talk when i said that our marriage is over he became absolutely depressed, it's just plane full depression with very little communication and a lot of desperation in every breath and look.
It is super hard to see him like that, to be around him, when he is like that. I told him what i see, warned him about mental health issues and that he should talk with someone...but i know he will not.
It's scary.
Or Maybe just ny anxiety... anyway i try not to be home too much, i have some things to do and a couple of guys to keep me pleasant company.
I am not happy, but i smile more than before.
And at the same time i am completely terrified of what future holds...

[Anoi]

Well i spent a good stable week... i had fun chatting, had a good date ( dinner nothing more) and was in a positive thinking finally.
Until yesterday. First my evening date came up with some problems of his own and it made be a bit sad, but i went home to relax and enjoy my evening in peace. Peace ended when my H arrived home... completely drunk..by car.
He finally opened up to his EA and she slammed the door in front of his face, saying they will never ever be together under any circumstances and she has no feelings for him. That was a day before, he shared it with me, cause with whome else could he share?
So yesterday he stole my ativan, drank some gin and went to work, got completely wasted at work, had another talk with her and seeing how he is wasted that woman let him drive home by himself.... i have no good words for her, he could die, he could kill someone...
He cried in my arms for an hour or two before falling asleep.
I hide all my prescription medication that can do any harm with booze and he still insist on going to work, so i don't know which concert i will have in the evening... i asked him to pls take several days of, just to calm down a bit, but that just makes him angry.
God... i had a good week... where the hell did it go?..

[UrsaMajor]

1) His (assumed) Fantasy EA blew up in his face after he had enough liquid courage to confess his luuuuurrrrvvvvveeeee for her - NOT your circus, not your monkeys
2) She "let him drive home" - Let me ask you a question - if someone that you were NOT interested in at all, just showed up at your door and make a sloppy drunk love confession that you wanted NOTHING to do with, what would you have done? Invited him in for coffee? She slammed the door in his face. The only other thing she really could have (and probably should have) done is to call the police to report a drunk driver.
3) Your H has a MAJOR issue with alcohol and drug abuse whether it is admitted or not. You have taken steps by removing your prescription meds from his reach. that is about as much as you can do without emptying every bottle of booze in the house down the drain, in which case, he will likely just go by more and hide it.

As far as asking him to take time off from work, why is it YOUR responsibility that he calms down?


He needs to WANT to calm down to realize he needs to calm down and to take action himself to do so.....

[Treasur]

So yesterday he stole my ativan, drank some gin and went to work, got completely wasted at work, had another talk with her and seeing how he is wasted that woman let him drive home by himself.... i have no good words for her, he could die, he could kill someone...
He cried in my arms for an hour or two before falling asleep.

What DO actually hold him responsible for?
And what does that look like in practice?

Bc from over here in the cheap seats as UM says, it seems not much, to the point of almost infantilising him.

Not saying this is an easy shift as anyone who has dealt with addiction in their family knows all too well, but surely he is responsible for what he steals, puts in his mouth, or when he turns the car engine on? Not you, not his EA. And the fact that he then got to come home and cry in the arms of his wife about his rejection by another woman, high on drugs he stole from you, expecting and seemingly receiving some comfort from you…. Can you see how inappropriate that is? And tbh how unconstructive it is bc he sidesteps both consequences (this time) and being held accountable for his own choices as an adult even by you. Bc you’re busy blaming some woman he has the hots for who said no thanks.

And meanwhile, while all this is going on, you’ve decided that dating is part of a healthy strategy for you. I struggle to see the wisdom in either.

All of us here have done things post BD that, with the wisdom of hindsight, were not our best moments, true enough. But I would encourage you to look at holding yourself and him more responsible for your own choices and how they set a direction based on what you are trying to achieve.
Bc frankly this sounds a bit bonkers, sorry.

[Anoi]

I think though the internet it all looks a bit different, but really i can't imagine that i would let anyone drive in this state, especially after playing "friendship" with them for half a year...
For me his broken heart hurts, yeah maybe i am an idiot but i feel compassion for him, he truly fell in love with her and yes he is not a stranger to me, divorce or not we are still two close enough ppl to feel compassion for.
Me dating might be a very wrong idea, it probably is, but it makes me feel good at the moment and not much else does. I am not jumping from bed to bed, i am just having nice time in nice places, nothing more...
I don't think my husband has any serious substance abuse problems. I'v seen him drunk maybe several times during our whole marriage. But i understand how being depressed, rejected and in mlc can lead to such behavior. I hope he will be fine.
Maybe i am doing everything wrong.

[KayDee]

Objectively, stealing other people's medication and driving while drunk are signs of serious problems. The latter is extremely reckless not only with one's own life, but the lives of others who may end up in the path of a drunk driver. Anoi, he is responsible for this behaviour, no one else. That's what a court would decide if he did damage another through his reckless behaviour.

I completely understand that his brokenness causes you pain. About 6 months after my H abandoned me, he was back, sobbing uncontrollable that he was lonely (irony emoticon please). I comforted him then. My heart ached then. Then he went off and did more self serving things that hurt me. I now know I am not the person to comfort him, because I am too attached. It will only be damaging to me. IMO, me (once) thinking that I can be strong enough to absorb his pain, when he has caused me so much harm, it's a form of codependency. You can care about him but IMO you are not the person that should be comforting him. It's enabling him to carry on.

There's probably not a 'right' or 'wrong' exactly, in this situation, but accepting you can only control yourself and that you need to rebuild your own emotional strength first, are all positive moves.