[Treasur]

I think though the internet it all looks a bit different, but really i can't imagine that i would let anyone drive in this state, especially after playing "friendship" with them for half a year...
For me his broken heart hurts, yeah maybe i am an idiot but i feel compassion for him, he truly fell in love with her and yes he is not a stranger to me, divorce or not we are still two close enough ppl to feel compassion for.
Me dating might be a very wrong idea, it probably is, but it makes me feel good at the moment and not much else does. I am not jumping from bed to bed, i am just having nice time in nice places, nothing more...
I don't think my husband has any serious substance abuse problems. I'v seen him drunk maybe several times during our whole marriage. But i understand how being depressed, rejected and in mlc can lead to such behavior. I hope he will be fine.
Maybe i am doing everything wrong.

It’s not my place or anyone else’s to tell you that you are right or wrong. You know what your goal is, what price you are prepared to pay and you will do you.

We get how difficult this is and how it can take quite a while to work out what is truly best for you.

But it isn’t our responsibility to blow smoke up your ass either. Which is why we challenge you to look at why you think the way you think about it and encourage you to be as clear eyed about it all as you can. And that includes sometimes saying uncomfortable things like ‘this isn’t healthy for you maybe’ or ‘that isn’t normal’ or ‘that doesn’t make sense’. You have the right of course to pick and choose, and to ignore what we say. So, for instance, you say you believe he doesn’t have a substance abuse problem….yet many of us would say that stealing medication, drinking gin and then driving is not normal healthy adult behaviour. But if you think it is, or decide that it is excusable somehow, or not his choice and responsibility… well, we have to accept that’s how you currently see it and wish you well.

Tbh you can’t ’do things wrong’ with regard to his behaviour bc it isn’t bc of you or in your control; you can only ‘do things wrong’ that make your path harder or create more damage for you or others affected by how you choose to deal with what’s happening. So, I hope you can show yourself at least as much compassion as you are showing him and find some peace from the chaos of his crisis behaviour. I really do wish you well but I’m not sure I’m the kind of voice you are open to hearing right now, so I will step away from your thread and let others support you in ways you might find more helpful.

[Anoi]

I think though the internet it all looks a bit different, but really i can't imagine that i would let anyone drive in this state, especially after playing "friendship" with them for half a year...
For me his broken heart hurts, yeah maybe i am an idiot but i feel compassion for him, he truly fell in love with her and yes he is not a stranger to me, divorce or not we are still two close enough ppl to feel compassion for.
Me dating might be a very wrong idea, it probably is, but it makes me feel good at the moment and not much else does. I am not jumping from bed to bed, i am just having nice time in nice places, nothing more...
I don't think my husband has any serious substance abuse problems. I'v seen him drunk maybe several times during our whole marriage. But i understand how being depressed, rejected and in mlc can lead to such behavior. I hope he will be fine.
Maybe i am doing everything wrong.

It’s not my place or anyone else’s to tell you that you are right or wrong. You know what your goal is, what price you are prepared to pay and you will do you.

We get how difficult this is and how it can take quite a while to work out what is truly best for you.

But it isn’t our responsibility to blow smoke up your ass either. Which is why we challenge you to look at why you think the way you think about it and encourage you to be as clear eyed about it all as you can. And that includes sometimes saying uncomfortable things like ‘this isn’t healthy for you maybe’ or ‘that isn’t normal’ or ‘that doesn’t make sense’. You have the right of course to pick and choose, and to ignore what we say. So, for instance, you say you believe he doesn’t have a substance abuse problem….yet many of us would say that stealing medication, drinking gin and then driving is not normal healthy adult behaviour. But if you think it is, or decide that it is excusable somehow, or not his choice and responsibility… well, we have to accept that’s how you currently see it and wish you well.

Tbh you can’t ’do things wrong’ with regard to his behaviour bc it isn’t bc of you or in your control; you can only ‘do things wrong’ that make your path harder or create more damage for you or others affected by how you choose to deal with what’s happening. So, I hope you can show yourself at least as much compassion as you are showing him and find some peace from the chaos of his crisis behaviour. I really do wish you well but I’m not sure I’m the kind of voice you are open to hearing right now, so I will step away from your thread and let others support you in ways you might find more helpful.

I don't see how after heavy heartbreak taking 1 pill and getting drunk is a substance abuse... i see how dangerous it is for him and other ppl. But substance abuse is too much maybe? Ppl did crazier things after heartbreaks.

[Anoi]

Well, surprisingly for now my H didn't loose his job over all this EA with his colleague.
He is obviously sad and all, but got himself back to relatively normal state, helps me with my driving, does some stuff around the house. Yes, ofc it's just another circle of the same MLC, but it seems like some sort of a progress...
It doesn't give me any hope or whatever, just makes the situation a little bit easier to live around.
I am focused on my own progress, which despite all the fear, fails and uncertainty slowly moves in the right direction, step by step.
In terms of dating i keep one guy with whom i like to talk, for now it's nothing but casual coffee and talking, so let's put it in socializing folder.
No craziness for a couple of weeks would be really good...

[Anoi]

How do you handle that, when air is so thick with silence that you can hang your coat on it?
He never was much of a talker, but to have a casual conversation with him this days is almost impossible, we eat together in silence, we watch together in silence... there is so much silence in this house.
I don't know if it's my anxiety, if its his depression, if it's just a ruined to the ground marriage, but it is pretty hard. I still find those warm feelings for him sometimes, rare... i don't have hope anymore, hell i don't even know how can it ever be...
I feel myself like a wh*re when i just go on a casual date, though my H is totally okey with me dating... I can't be with him, can't be with anyone else, wtf.
All of that mlc or whatever comes down to - is there better option? And if the answer is yes, then he is gone, me is gone, all of this is gone.
But he will drink a bit, smoke a bit, recover from this sh... and move on. And i gonna still be feeling like a wh*re when i agree to drink coffee with a guy. Cause he is my H. It's so idiotic.
He left me for another woman, who doesn't want him and he says to my face that i never probably loved anyone the way he loves her... God dammit, where is my plan B?!!

[UrsaMajor]

Of course he is OK with you dating.

Why?

Because it justifies (for him) what he is doing. "See, she didn't really love me either. She's already going out with other guys...." etc.

That is typical MLC behaviour only to be seconded by the Ï don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either" nonsense.

[Anoi]

Of course he is OK with you dating.

Why?

Because it justifies (for him) what he is doing. "See, she didn't really love me either. She's already going out with other guys...." etc.

That is typical MLC behaviour only to be seconded by the Ï don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either" nonsense.

I am not sure about the second part. He doesn't want me and he is really happy to get rid of me no matter which way...
I don't see any love from him, though he said that he loves me and he hates me the other day. I see apathie. I don't think there is even a slight chance of reconciliation and so he is really okey with me seeing other ppl or doing whatever, nothing seems to change his opinion.

[Anoi]

Oh, MLC is really awesome, it like a plague touching every corner of his life. Ruined marriage is not enough? EA that ended with a big heartbreak not enough? Ofc not! Now he thinks that his job is awful, he is tired of it and he doesn't know what he wants to do, but he does know what he doesn't want - his job. Way down we go....
I can go have sex with half of the country i wouldn't do more damage to myself he did already to his life and my. Unbelievable.

[Anoi]

The more i look at my passive almost ex husband the more i realise that i am better than him even in having a midlife crisis. I mean he started it, with his stupid EA and lack of self understanding, but as he is a low energy wallower, it's me who had to pick up the ball and pkay the game.
I changed my life a lot - lost more than 25kg, learning to drive and love it and getting good at it ( something i was afraid of whole my life), got new awesome friends and meetings, really started to make efforts in terms of finding a job and the last but not least started dating! I didn't date for 20 years, wow what a contrast experience, seeing how i am in fact valuable, interesting, alive and different with other men made me remember who i was before he humiliated me and devalued me to the ground. I found my self worth through the eyes of the strangers... and now i found someone who is completely mind blowing, someone who i didn't even dare to search for... someone i want to be better for. And i fell in love. And it's good.
And my H? Well he said " don't take it as any sign but you can return to the bedroom" and it was the night after the most mindblowing sex experience in my life...and i said thank you, but no thank you...for now. He made me his plan B, so he got back exactly the gets exactly the same treatment from me. He can stay in my life in that quality, for now.

[UrsaMajor]

<...snip...>the last but not least started dating! I didn't date for 20 years, wow what a contrast experience, seeing how i am in fact valuable, interesting, alive and different with other men made me remember who i was before he humiliated me and devalued me to the ground. I found my self worth through the eyes of the strangers... and now i found someone who is completely mind blowing, someone who i didn't even dare to search for... someone i want to be better for. And i fell in love. And it's good.
And my H? Well he said " don't take it as any sign but you can return to the bedroom" and it was the night after the most mindblowing sex experience in my life...<....snip...>

Welcome to Limerence.... Now you know what your STBXH was/is feeling with his EA before it blew up in his face..... It's all cotton candy clouds, fuzzy puppy dogs, and unicorns farting clouds of rainbow glitter.... until it isn't....

[Anoi]

<...snip...>the last but not least started dating! I didn't date for 20 years, wow what a contrast experience, seeing how i am in fact valuable, interesting, alive and different with other men made me remember who i was before he humiliated me and devalued me to the ground. I found my self worth through the eyes of the strangers... and now i found someone who is completely mind blowing, someone who i didn't even dare to search for... someone i want to be better for. And i fell in love. And it's good.
And my H? Well he said " don't take it as any sign but you can return to the bedroom" and it was the night after the most mindblowing sex experience in my life...<....snip...>

Welcome to Limerence.... Now you know what your STBXH was/is feeling with his EA before it blew up in his face..... It's all cotton candy clouds, fuzzy puppy dogs, and unicorns farting clouds of rainbow glitter.... until it isn't....

Oh i am well aware of it... but at least i got some )
No, seriously, i am well aware of what i am doing and  i think H is aware a bit too, but it's the way it is and for now no one is moving anywhere... He is depressed, cycled back to his old him but sad version, i don't mess with his brains and help around where i can, at least it's peace and friendship this way and will see where all this story will lead everybody.