[Reinventing]

I agree with the driving (and the other things too). I could tell my peripheral vision wasn't normal, and that my attention span wasn't normal. Much less crying while driving, which I did even though it's not advised.

[FaithWalker]

Hello GP,
I'm so sorry that you have had to join our ranks.  But, since this thing has happened, you have found yourself in a very good place for support.

I agree with everyone else about the driving.  Rather than driving aimlessly, perhaps find a park to pull over at, or somewhere safe in your car where you can have a good cry, but not be driving while doing it.

For me, I also cried a lot in the car.  The shower was another place where I felt that I could have a good cry.  If you do not have a speaker, you can get one, either a water proof one or just one to keep in the bathroom and turn it on and have that good cry in the shower, with the warm water cleansing those tears.

If you have not yet read "Survival Instructions for Newbies" you should do so immediately.  You will find the link in my signature.

Continue posting here, on your thread.  It's a great place to get much support from many people, mentors and members alike.  There are so many of us all from different places around the world that will reach out, any time of day or night.

You are always welcome to private message me, but just know that you will get lots of great support when you continue to post here.  We've got some great supporters in this forum, and you will be buoyed by their caring and concern.

Another great resource is affairrecovery.com - I am not on there much any more, but I still subscribe to their emails and it's such a wealth of great information.  They also have a great youtube channel.  You can find that link on my signature where I've linked "The Apology Every LBS Deserves".  If I could every get through that video without crying, then perhaps I will know that full healing has happened.

[GinasPrayer2024]

FW -
Thank you so much.  I have a question.  Are we supposed to go to marriage counseling during all of this?  If we're not supposed to talk about the affair or our relationship, I don't see how we could.  And yet, to not go doesn't seem right, either. 

[FrenchHusband]

Hi GP, and welcome to this club, sorry you're here, and also glad for you that you found us  .

regarding marriage counseling, if it is MLC the general advice is not to go. Even if it has impacts and it damages marriage, MLC is not a marriage issue, so marriage counseling can not fix what is broken.

To repair a marriage, MC is pertinent when both spouses are willing to repair (as we say her, you can not applause with one hand). And during MLC, the spouse under crisis does'nt want to repair the marriage.

And yes, as you write, we are supposed to not initiate affair discussions or relationship discussion. And if our spouse is initiating one, go in listening mode as far as possible.

[Baxter1]

I’m with FH, marriage counseling doesn’t easily work for this. In my experience it was a waste, she was just mad and kept taking about divorce so it wasn’t very productive. The councilor gave up on us after 2 sessions.

[GinasPrayer2024]

Thanks.  As I mentioned in my original post, the first bomb dropped in June 2023, and we both agreed to go to marriage counseling.  Finding a therapist proved difficult, but we did start going to online therapy in October.  Unbeknownst to me, however, he had already started the affair.  I don't think the therapy would have stopped it, though, if we had gotten to it sooner.  I never told the therapist about the sexting other women, just that we wanted to improve our relationship. Telehealth/Zoom seems to be what most therapists in this area prefer, but I think it's garbage.  It was not very beneficial to our adopted daughter either.  After covid, the place she gets free counseling at never went back to in-person therapy, and I took her out of it because there didn't seem to be any point.
 Another problem with counseling is the cost, which seems like it would just be added pressure/stress. 

[FaithWalker]

Yes, I believe it's better to each get an independent counselor if you can afford it, rather than a marriage counselor when it comes to MLC.

[WHY]

Don’t waste your time with marriage counseling. It makes things worse. 

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

First of all, welcome to the club that I wish no one ever had to join. This forum exits to provide advice and support as you begin your journey as your MLC completes their journey.

My first piece of advice is to breathe. A lot has hit you in a short period of time. You need to try your best to eat, sleep, and some exercise so that you can bring your system back into alignment. It sound easy, but it is not and you really do need to think about it. Many of us, myself included, lose a lot of weight in the initial months after BD. So, in a nutshell, take care of your health.

The other matter of great importance is to take care of your finances. MLCers have little regard for savings and other bills as they pursue their new life. Do what you need to do to protect your situation so that you are not left out in the cold should he attempt to cut you off completely.

This is a long journey and not a marathon. Go slow and focus on your needs right now. You have posted a lot of information and I am going to try and break it apart into chunks so that the other scan provide advice and support as well.

Have a great day and remember to be good to yourself,

(((Ready)))

[Baxter1]

Sorry you are here but you found a good place with nice understanding people. Take care of you and leave your husband to his ‘journey’. It takes a while to get it a point of detachment but once you get there you stop worrying about what they are doing and focus on your own health/healing and growth. It took me a while to realize that this isn’t something I did/didn’t do, if only I would have given her flowers that one time this wouldn’t have happened or something along those lines .It’s based on childhood trauma, this thing inside that you see was planted long ago.
Again sorry you’re here!