[Treasur]

I can see that you are trying hard, and finding it difficult as we all do initially, to adjust the lens you use wrt to your h. And to work out what is your responsibility and what is not. Do you have kids?

Your h may have been a wonderful hard working family man before; he isn’t now. How do you know? Bc this is not how a wonderful hard working family man behaves. Now he’s a man who sexts random women and thinks it’s ok to have an affair with a married woman who claims to be suicidal. And, just as you say, you are also having to adjust to the reality that he has lied so much (and usually, sadly, more than we know early on) that it is difficult to now trust anything he says. That is hard, painful and a bit scary. I hope that this community can support you through this life storm in the way that you find most helpful.

I was struck by a couple of things from your first post…

In June, it came to my attention that he was "sexting" random ladies on the internet.  I am considering this my Bomb Drop day because it was the first time I became aware that our marriage had serious problems.  Before that, I thought, we just got on each other's nerves sometimes like all married couples.  I never realized I hurt him so much by some of my actions.

So, in June, he was looking….maybe just for attention, maybe for more. Who knows? And then he started chatting to FB woman and decided to play ‘knight in dented armour’ and then to keep talking to her, takes a job that enables him to have more contact, says yes to the ‘home cooked meals’ and starts a physical affair in December.

Ow is a pretty standard textbook ow type mess, and will doubtless not quietly disappear without very clear boundaries from your h, but your h did do these things. Neither ow or you held a gun to his head. One action after another, over months, that brought you both to where you are today.
I’m sorry bc we all know how painful it is to spell out like that.
But I want to challenge your lens….how did any of your past actions that you believe ‘hurt him so much’ stack up against those bare facts of HIS actions? How are you responsible for any of his actions? And can you think of a few other things he might have chosen to do instead in response to how he was feeling that did not involve sexting or trying to rescue a supposedly suicidal married woman or having an affair?

Why does it matter to change your lens? Bc it is so common that these folks lie and try to gaslight you into taking responsibility for things they did. Here we call it the you bought bagged salad = I had no choice but to hang out with an ow  It’s a pretty common human reaction to justify our own bad action by blaming someone else or claiming a false equivalence between a and b or even playing the sad sorry sausage.
What about your hurt, my friend? What about your distress as opposed to ow’s woes? What about your feelings of loneliness bc of his actions?

As a simple rule, I tend to say that if I didn’t know about something, had no voice in it or vote about it, it absolutely is not my responsibility…it belongs to someone else. 

And this is a time to try to keep your head as straight as you can and your feet on the ground.

The other reason is what you said about not wanting friends and family to see him differently, so feeling you can’t tell anyone about what is going on. Don’t get me wrong - I’m not suggesting you blast it out on FB or tell everyone you meet (although some of us did vent at random strangers for a while lol).
But this is happening. He has done/is doing these things. You are not responsible for his choices, not one jot
And you need, and are entitled to ask for, some support from people who love you if you want it.
Will that change how they see him? Probably. Just as you are struggling with the fact that you no longer can see him in quite the same way you did. It’s not an easy pill to swallow when we trust and care about people. Imho it’s rather a sad thing.

But that is also the natural grown up consequence of our actions in real life, isn’t it? If we behave badly, people tend to think less well or differently about us and that’s uncomfortable. But choices do tend to include effects. He may want to keep it all a secret but it isn’t YOUR secret….and we all need safe people to sit on the bench with us when life gets upended….how can some of the people who love you support and help YOU if they don’t know what’s going on in YOUR life?

Other than this, how can we best help you right now?

[xyzcf]

Hello and welcome.  as ready stated:

"This forum exits to provide advice and support as you begin your journey as your MLC completes their journey."

As you learn about MLC, as you read how others have coped, you will develop your own coping mechanisms to get through this.

Firstly, I strongly suggest that you read RCR's articles if you have not done so ...and possibly continue to refer back to them for it is a great deal to take in all at once.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Who you tell is totally up to you. I did not tell many people. Two very close friends who supported me, my family, eventually but I did not give them many details.

I could see that something was very wrong with him, this was not how my husband would act, the things he did were against his moral values. Understanding what a mid life crisis is helped me a great deal.

Live your life as though he is never coming back. I hoped he would return because it was inconceivable to me that he would not. I do not regret that hope, it gave me the time to heal on so many levels and allowed me to continue to have contact with him which I do to this day. Many will break all contact, sometimes for a while, sometimes forever...once again...only you will know what is right for you and your family.

ready also spoke about taking care of you, physically, emotionally and financially.

It was quite a long time before I realized that this was trauma and thus, my first therapist didn't help a great deal. My body was in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze and when those states exist for too long, they take their toil. I found a therapist that specialized in trauma and that helped to turn things around for me.

Regular exercise helps a great deal, outdoors walking and I had been practicing yoga for a long time so I found that helpful.

Since I was sent back to a place we had not lived in for very long, I needed to find community and friendships. It was important for me to get out of the house each day. I no longer had a job so finding activites and interacting with people was essential. I found some volunteer work, joined a golf league which I completely enjoy to this day and went to a gym where I met some  new people.

This is not about you or your marriage. His crisis and his journey and there is nothing that you can do to change it. That makes it hard for us "fixers" or anyone really who in normal life, works to repair any problems they have in a relationship of such long standing,

They lie, they cheat, they are secretive...all these things you have mentioned.

We don't assign mentors anymore on HS but there are many people who will give you their thoughts. Take what feels right for you, we are all different in how we proceed in our lives after BD.

A good way to develop some relationships here, is to write on other people's threads. I continue to have contact with many LBSers and they truly were a great support to me when I was devastated by what happened.

Take really good care of yourself. Ask whatever questions you have and someone here will generally answer you.

[lost88]

Glad you found us bad sad that you’re here …

This will take time … we have all been there … and I’m not much further ahead ..
The 1 piece of advice I would give you - don’t believe anything they say .. good or bad!
They live in a fog 🌫️ and lies are followed by more lies. It’s too much energy wasted that’s needed to get your mind right. It hurts, not fair, and completely f’d up but this is where we are. I believe God has a plan … and eventually you will find inner strength building as you begin to accept your situation. A lot of us felt - yeah but my spouse or situation is different .. yeah I thought that too .. was wrong - somewhere, somehow MLC’s have gotten the same master script and progress accordingly …

Breaks my heart each time I see a new persons story but knowledge and experience from others will guide you along your path …

Much love !

[MadLuv]

Such good advise you are getting from some wise LBS who have been where you are. What I will add it that if you do talk to your MLCer that just know that not only are you not getting the truth ( although there may be small trickle truths in the lies) what ever they are telling you or saying is all to their benefit. When their is a LO or OW/OM they have their attention and their warped view of the magical life ahead.

With that in mind any type of truth darts or trying to get them “ to see the light” does you no good. That was the hardest thing for me the grasp. I really had no idea how far removed my H was at the time from
Who he had been. I COULD NO FATHOM!!! Just know that they are capable of anything when trying to avoid themselves.

The other thing is that although we did not cause this we still have things that we can work on. Although your spouse cant look inside themselves right now, you can!! I think you will see you may have lost yourself in all this and now is a good time to focus on you and what you need to do for YOU!! Let him spin in the wind. There is nothing you can do to change the path he has chosen. Nothing, except give him space and take care of you.

[GinasPrayer2024]

Thanks for the advice on marriage counseling.  I can't help but wonder about the not talking thing.  I mean, looking back, it seems like not talking about our real feelings is what got us in this mess in the first place.  

Guess I'm supposed to put these statistics:
M: 50
H: 51, at home, has not left
S18, D11
original BD: June 2023
Really big BD: Dec 18, 2023

[FaithWalker]

Hi GP.  The statistics you are probably seeing is part of our signatures.  You can put anything you want in your signature.  It stays there whenever you are posting.  To edit your signature, go to your profile and click on "Forum Profile" on the left side of the menu, it's the 2nd one under the grey box that says "Modify Profile"

[FaithWalker]

Welcome to the board leanna.  Yes, posting a story thread and continuing to post in it helps as we can gauge who might be a suitable fit for a mentor for you.

It also allows for more support for you, as we have many folks from all around the world here, so whether you post day or night, someone will be on.  Members and mentors alike have a lot of sage advice, and by only responding to your mentor via pm's you might miss out on some of that really great wisdom!

You are always welcome to private message me, but just know that you will get lots of great support when you continue to post here.  We've got some great supporters in this forum, and you will be buoyed by their caring and concern.

If you have not done so yet, please click on my link in my signature "Survival Instructions for Newbies".  It's a great place to start.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi GP,

As FW noted, the things you see in our signatures are really free text (That is how I got the picture in mine). There is a place in the profile where similar information is asked but it is not mandatory.

As far as MC in MLC, many MLC'ers look for a Marriage Counselor that will validate their reasons/choice to leave because they are basically looking for "permission" so, unless you get one that is actually pro-marriage, it is likely an exercise in futility. If you DO find one hat is pro-marriage, it is STILL likely an exercise in futility because the MLC'er will simply stop going when they don't hear what they want to hear (personal experience here in my sample of one but have read that as well from others in my nearly 9 years here on HS). Getting your own IC though is never wrong because it gives you a safe place to talk about what is going on if you need it.

Marriage Counseling works if and only if BOTH partners are committed to saving/improving the marriage. Unfortunately, in and MLC situation, only one (the LBS) is actually committed to the marriage.... The Mid-Lifer is only committed to their next Endorphin rush/Dopamine fix of "feels."

The poster had 2 threads running by accident. They are now merged into this single thread. - UM

[lost88]

Another point on IC. My W went 3x and said her IC said she doesn’t need addtl sessions. Whata joke - she didn’t goto work on her issues - she went to be coached on going thru a divorce … just another lie ..

Worse than a teenager

[OffRoad]

First, what xyzcf said above. No point in my repeating such good advice. Second re:marriage counseling. Go or don't, it's up to you but don't go with the expectation that it will "solve" anything. If he's still got his side dish, he's not trying. If you suspect he still has his side dish, you are likely correct.

Third, you are not to blame, so don't allow him to thrust his poor behavior on your shoulders. Were you perfect? Probably not, most of us aren't.  He wasn't either. But you certainly don't deserve to be cheated on, lied to or treated poorly. What he has done lies squarely on his shoulders. Can you improve you for you? Of course, but do it for YOU, because you feel you need to improve.

Some people tell everyone, some tell no one, some tell a few people. It's good to have at least one person to talk to, someone you trust to keep it to themselves. Most times this isn't a short term (few months) situation. Even for those who come back it's usually a couple of years or more. Settle in for the long haul if you choose to stand for your marriage. Take care of your finances (mlcers can spend money like  water), take care of you, take care of your child. Rule of thumb, if his lips are moving, he's probably lying so asking him if he's still seeing her is not usually beneficial.

Mine was an 18 month live in and I stood for my marriage until the divorce, even after he moved out. I would do it differently now, but everyone needs to find their own path. Lots of people here to help you.